Buying things for your kids: the other side of the story...

[IUTBAM]

Please tell me I'm not alone! I just read the thread about parents who give their teens $$$ to pay for things, and I feel like such a slacker! I've never done that with my DD (she's 18 now, a freshman in college and lives at home by choice).

She got an allowance when she was younger, but that was her money to spend as she wants. I've always bought things for her (even now). I just enjoy doing it (and we are fortunate to be able to afford to do so...just her horse's care and board run about $600 a month). We pay for her college beyond what her scholarships don't cover, and we don't charge her rent. When I do take her shopping, I like to pay for things.

Here's the thing though...all of her life growing up, she saw how careful my husband and I are with our money. We don't buy fancy electronics, we don't have a lot of "toys", and we don't spend a fortune on entertainment. We do spend $$$ on vacations...I figure they are cheaper than therapy! So, despite that fact that we are financing her life (and will continue to do so until she finishes school), she has a VERY good grasp on the value of a dollar...this is an 18 year old girl who spent her summer doing volunteer work, didn't WANT a smartphone with an unlimited plan (I wanted her to have one once she started school, but she insisted on sticking with her prepaid cell phone), doesn't buy into all the latest fads and trends, and actually LOVES shopping at thrift stores. I did not buy her one single "brand new" item of clothing from a regular retail store this summer...but we shopped like crazy at Goodwill, and found some fabulous bargains, which she was thrilled about! I'm glad she turned out so well by modeling our behavior, because I'm too lazy to keep up with allowances, and what she does/doesn't have to buy. And, I figure with all the money she's saving now, she'll be able to provide for me and DH in our old age! lol KIDDING!

 

[leebee]

My DD's the same way. She just doesn't like to waste money, which is a good thing, because we CAN'T afford it. She is at college right now, tomorrow is her 18th birthday, and I'm missing her pretty badly at the moment...

 

[phred52]

Good job! Give yourself a pat on the back

 

[rapunzelmom]

Sounds like you have raised a financially responsible young woman! my only question is that since you buy most of her things does she know how to budget? I remember my first trip to the store in college and almost cried when I realized how much my favortie shampoo was! I wish I had been better prepared to manage my money. Just a thought.

 

[Marionnette]

I had another reason for not giving my teens a spending allowance. Ready cash can be spent too easily on the wrong things (ie drugs and alcohol).

I know that none of us wants to believe that our darling snowflake is capable of that kind of behavior. But the honest truth is, they are ALL capable of that kind of behavior.

My kids were actually placed on my credit card when they got their driver's licenses. The card was mostly for gas purchases and emergencies. But I often gave them permission to spend a predetermined amount on clothing or gifts. I felt that I would rather deal with the possibility of junior overspending his clothing budget than deal with something worse.

 

[MrsPete]

Please tell me I'm not alone! I just read the thread about parents who give their teens $$$ to pay for things, and I feel like such a slacker! I've never done that with my DD (she's 18 now, a freshman in college and lives at home by choice).

She got an allowance when she was younger, but that was her money to spend as she wants. I've always bought things for her (even now). I just enjoy doing it (and we are fortunate to be able to afford to do so...just her horse's care and board run about $600 a month). We pay for her college beyond what her scholarships don't cover, and we don't charge her rent. When I do take her shopping, I like to pay for things.

Here's the thing though...all of her life growing up, she saw how careful my husband and I are with our money. We don't buy fancy electronics, we don't have a lot of "toys", and we don't spend a fortune on entertainment. We do spend $$$ on vacations...I figure they are cheaper than therapy! So, despite that fact that we are financing her life (and will continue to do so until she finishes school), she has a VERY good grasp on the value of a dollar...this is an 18 year old girl who spent her summer doing volunteer work, didn't WANT a smartphone with an unlimited plan (I wanted her to have one once she started school, but she insisted on sticking with her prepaid cell phone), doesn't buy into all the latest fads and trends, and actually LOVES shopping at thrift stores. I did not buy her one single "brand new" item of clothing from a regular retail store this summer...but we shopped like crazy at Goodwill, and found some fabulous bargains, which she was thrilled about! I'm glad she turned out so well by modeling our behavior, because I'm too lazy to keep up with allowances, and what she does/doesn't have to buy. And, I figure with all the money she's saving now, she'll be able to provide for me and DH in our old age! lol KIDDING!

This just proves that parents can choose different routes to teaching kids the value of a dollar. I think the important things are setting a good example for the kids and making them aware of why you make the choices you do.

I had another reason for not giving my teens a spending allowance. Ready cash can be spent too easily on the wrong things (ie drugs and alcohol).

I know that none of us wants to believe that our darling snowflake is capable of that kind of behavior. But the honest truth is, they are ALL capable of that kind of behavior.

My kids were actually placed on my credit card when they got their driver's licenses. The card was mostly for gas purchases and emergencies. But I often gave them permission to spend a predetermined amount on clothing or gifts. I felt that I would rather deal with the possibility of junior overspending his clothing budget than deal with something worse.

I don't think it's a bad idea to keep a watch on a teen's spending money for this reason, but keep in mind that it's quite possible for a teenager to get drugs without having money:

The first thing that comes to mind is a boyfriend "providing for" his girlfriend. The second is that a kid who "wants something" can often be persuaded to become a small-time dealer. You want just a little pot? Here, I'll give you four bags. You just sell three, bring me the money, and the last one's yours. Clearly, that's actually worse than just using.

This stuff is scary, and a whole lot of our good kids, some of our best kids fall for the idea that "a little won't hurt" or "I can handle it just now and then just at social occasions". A whole bunch of kids have the idea that as long as they aren't driving, it's really okay to "indulge" occasionally. Monitoring money is a great idea, but ALSO preach against drugs and alcohol in other ways.

 

[Marionnette]

This just proves that parents can choose different routes to teaching kids the value of a dollar. I think the important things are setting a good example for the kids and making them aware of why you make the choices you do. I don't think it's a bad idea to keep a watch on a teen's spending money for this reason, but keep in mind that it's quite possible for a teenager to get drugs without having money:

The first thing that comes to mind is a boyfriend "providing for" his girlfriend. The second is that a kid who "wants something" can often be persuaded to become a small-time dealer. You want just a little pot? Here, I'll give you four bags. You just sell three, bring me the money, and the last one's yours. Clearly, that's actually worse than just using.

This stuff is scary, and a whole lot of our good kids, some of our best kids fall for the idea that "a little won't hurt" or "I can handle it just now and then just at social occasions". A whole bunch of kids have the idea that as long as they aren't driving, it's really okay to "indulge" occasionally. Monitoring money is a great idea, but ALSO preach against drugs and alcohol in other ways.

I don't claim that my method is a silver bullet to prevent alcohol and drug abuse. It just makes it that much harder for a kid to purchase those items if they have no cash. I'm not naive enough to believe that my creative genius is incapable of devising a way around this if he wants to. We have had many conversations about substance abuse. And unfortunately, there have been a couple of drug-related deaths and alcohol-related tragedies among the youth in our community that have served as real-life examples for my sermons.

 

[AmandaRG]

I know that she is still living at home, but helping her to see what living expenses actually run wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. Some young adults are totally unprepared to realize what it takes to have their own place, run out and do it, and then end up in trouble financially.

There are ways of getting cash if someone really wants it. Mine are quite young yet, but are learning already that just because we want something doesn't mean we will get it, even DH and I.

 

[linnell]

I don' have a teenager, but I agree with you. My kids are 5 and almost 3 and the 5 yo is just starting to learn about money and that we can't buy anything and everything that strikes his fancy. We watched my friend's 8yo over Labor Day weekend and he was obsessed with what things cost, he even asked me now much we did our house cost! DH and I don't want our kids stressing about money like that.

But the oldest gets it. He just got his first Legos for his birthday a few weeks ago and I told him there was a big Lego store at Disney and he told me he wants to open his piggy bank so he can buy his own.

 

[leagirl12]

Here's the thing though...all of her life growing up, she saw how careful my husband and I are with our money. We don't buy fancy electronics, we don't have a lot of "toys", and we don't spend a fortune on entertainment. We do spend $$$ on vacations...I figure they are cheaper than therapy! So, despite that fact that we are financing her life (and will continue to do so until she finishes school), she has a VERY good grasp on the value of a dollar...this is an 18 year old girl who spent her summer doing volunteer work, didn't WANT a smartphone with an unlimited plan (I wanted her to have one once she started school, but she insisted on sticking with her prepaid cell phone), doesn't buy into all the latest fads and trends, and actually LOVES shopping at thrift stores. I did not buy her one single "brand new" item of clothing from a regular retail store this summer...but we shopped like crazy at Goodwill, and found some fabulous bargains, which she was thrilled about! I'm glad she turned out so well by modeling our behavior, because I'm too lazy to keep up with allowances, and what she does/doesn't have to buy. And, I figure with all the money she's saving now, she'll be able to provide for me and DH in our old age! lol KIDDING!

I actually started the previous thread about teens paying for things. This decription of your daughter is very similar to how I would describe mine...even at 12. She is very much a "I won't do it just because everyone else is doing it" type of girl....which is great for her in that she has never felt like she had to have the latest and greatest. It's not uncommon for us to be out shopping and me offer to buy her something and then have her balk at it after she sees the price tag...even when I say I don't mind getting it. She actually approached us about wanting to buy her own things and I think it is more of a way for her to have some independence at her age.

DS however is completely different...money burns a hole in his pocket. He was in the room when DD suggested this and instantly said he didn't want to do it (partly because I think he hates clothes shopping and likes that mom just brings things home to him). Of the two...he is the one I think that needs to do it...LOL! He is not a big "I want, I want" kid but if he has money he thinks he has to spend it. I think he needs to learn more about saving and budgeting but I don't want to force him into something that was brought up by his sister for fear of resentment. We haven't had time to have a family meeting this week but are planning to do so on Saturday. What she suggest however was clothing only and DH and I are leaning now towards them being responsible for everything. We will see how DS responds to this and determine from that conversation whether we put both of them on a plan or just DD.

 

[happygirl]

We don;t even give our kids allowance, How bad is that

 

[lurkernj]

I read that thread too and responded that my two teen boys wouldn't spend it on clothes, as they could care less. That money would probably just get pocketed to buy a new video game. I have one that is responsible, but still could care less about clothes, shampoo, etc, the other one would absolutely think he hit the lottery and spend it right away on something I wouldn't normally pay for (dunkin donuts, hess express, video games).

They do get an allowance that is theirs to spend as they wish, plus DS16 had a summer job and put most of it in the bank for a car next year. They also get a lunch money allowance each week if they don't use it for lunch or spend it too soon, they are on their own.

I think we set a good example in looking for sales, not buying lots of "stuff", and keeping debt free (except our mortgage). They know we budget and save for college and vacations every month.

 

[bjscheel]

I give my kids a modest allowance ($1/year of age/month) but sometimes I struggle with what do I pay for and what do I make them use their allowance for. We've done some shopping in the last week- at the dime store DD12 wanted tie-dye duct tape for crafting and they both picked out candy because we always buy candy there. We were in a hurry so I paid for it all. At Dillard's, DD10 was set on buying a fancy dress which she didn't need. We picked one clearance-priced and she paid for it herself. But I pay for all their clothes generally. I paid for a birthday gift for DD12's friend. DD12 used her own money to buy snacks at the volleyball game. It's just kind of random! Plus they frequently don't have any money with them, unless we are specifically leaving the house to go shopping. So I sometimes wish I had some guidelines for them but I don't yet.

They do know garage sales and thrift stores are a good thing- they can have pretty much anything they want shopping there, whereas at a store they can only choose one or two things.

They each saved up for their AG dolls, and DD12 bought her own refurb Ipod Touch. DD10 is working on that now. They are earning money by picking up iron for salvage at Grandpa's farm, so that is speeding her toward her goal! ($10/month allowance doesn't get you very far when it comes to things like ipod touch DD12 is planning to put her earnings in savings. If she doesn't get iTunes gift cards for her birthday next week, she will probably buy some first, then save the rest. Otherwise there really isn't much she wants to buy.

 

[bjscheel]

Okay another thing- if they get an allowance that is theirs to "spend as they wish"- do you try to influence them against certain purchases? DD10 wanted to buy the Captain Jack Sparrow collector Barbie doll, which at the time would have taken all the money she had. I didn't think it was that good of a use of her money, so I just put her off for a while (I would have had to order it online and use my credit card). She quit asking about it very shortly, so it obviously wasn't a great need.

 

[IUTBAM]

I give my kids a modest allowance ($1/year of age/month) but sometimes I struggle with what do I pay for and what do I make them use their allowance for.

That was the same problem I had when she was younger. Heck, it's the same problem I have now...we love to shop together, and she'll say, "I'll pay for the mascara, or eye shadow, or book" (whatever she picks up), and I'm just like "eh, that'll take longer, just throw it in the cart with my stuff". She does pay for most of the supplies she wants for her horse (we cover board, feed, and vet bills), but I found myself at the tack store the other day, and I knew she needed a few things, so I got them for her. She said she'd pay me back, and I was just like, "don't worry about it". She does understand budgeting, and trying to find the best value...no doubt about that. I send her to the store for me, and she'll call and want to discuss which can of beans is the best value! And when it comes to her buying supplies/tack for her horse, she researches websites and calls around to find the best deal. She knows what our house payment is, and she knows how much my husband makes, and she knows that when we use the credit card, it gets paid off at the end of the month.

Okay another thing- if they get an allowance that is theirs to "spend as they wish"- do you try to influence them against certain purchases?

I did, but wasn't always successful. Back in 2006 (she was 13 at the time), she had her heart set on this electronic remote controlled dinosaur type thing...she researched the Black Friday ads and found it at a store for $50. Her dad took her there bright and early, and she was thrilled to get it. I knew it was too much, and that she'd regret it, but I couldn't talk her out of it (she used her own money for it). Sure enough, within a few months, she was lamenting how much she'd spent on it, and that it wasn't worth it. Lesson learned.

 

[NYEmomma]

I never got an allowance when I was growing up -- my parents paid for everything I needed & any extra things I wanted to do (movies, mall, dinner with friends, etc.) until I got a job. After that, I paid for my evenings out with my own money but my parents still paid for clothes & everything else.

Heck, when I started dating DH I was 16 and had just quit my job (didn't mesh well with my marching band schedule) and they felt bad that he always paid for our dates so they started sneaking him money, lol!

We always shopped frugally though. My parents were very generous with their money but we didn't insist on having name brand clothes... stuff from Walmart worked just as well. It wasn't until I was MUCH older that my mom & I got hooked on Coach.

I consider myself pretty financially responsible. DH & I got married at 21 and bought our first house right before we got married (a fixer-upper that needed a lot of work before we could move in). We budgeted and new how much we could afford & bought within our comfort range. We buy stuff secondhand, gladly take hand-me-downs and I do everything I can to save money in our food & household expenses. We live frugally, but comfortably.

I don't know what I'll do with DD when she gets older re: allowances. The only thing I'd do different than my parents is that I'll make her do chores (not tied to monetary compensation -- just an expectation that you contribute as a family member). My parents never made me do a single chore growing up & a have LOUSY housekeeping skills as a result, lol. We got married and I had no clue how to do a load of laundry.

 

[lurkernj]

Okay another thing- if they get an allowance that is theirs to "spend as they wish"- do you try to influence them against certain purchases? DD10 wanted to buy the Captain Jack Sparrow collector Barbie doll, which at the time would have taken all the money she had. I didn't think it was that good of a use of her money, so I just put her off for a while (I would have had to order it online and use my credit card). She quit asking about it very shortly, so it obviously wasn't a great need.

I generally let them buy what they want with it. However, DS 13, just bought "the most anticipated game of the year"(he keeps quoting the commercial for Gears of war 3), this week. The game would have cost $60, but he had to have some limited edition thing that came with a statue and some other stuff and cost $160. I tried to talk him out of it, as $100 extra is a lot of money for a bunch of crap that he was getting, but he was insistant. He saved his allowance and lawn mowing money to buy it. By now, I'm thinking he's kicking himself as the other "stuff" is still in the box.

 

[2TxAgs]

Okay another thing- if they get an allowance that is theirs to "spend as they wish"- do you try to influence them against certain purchases? DD10 wanted to buy the Captain Jack Sparrow collector Barbie doll, which at the time would have taken all the money she had. I didn't think it was that good of a use of her money, so I just put her off for a while (I would have had to order it online and use my credit card). She quit asking about it very shortly, so it obviously wasn't a great need.

According to the 'experts' who advocate giving kids allowances, this is exactly the reason WHY you give an allowance...so the kids can make relatively small mistakes with their money, rather than much larger ones later. So, while $50 is a bunch of money for a kid to spend and then regret, it's a much cheaper lesson than the $1000 spent when they're older which they come to regret.

If you give them some guidance as to percentages to save/spend/donate, then let them spend on what they choose, and let them develop a sense of what is a good choice. Now that my DD16 is earning her own money and having to buy gas and pay for her parking permit at school, she sees how quickly $$ can go, and she said to me recently "mom, how could you let me buy that expensive holister stuff last year with my birthday money? wow, that was a waste" Ah, but a great lesson was learned!

 

[bjscheel]

According to the 'experts' who advocate giving kids allowances, this is exactly the reason WHY you give an allowance...so the kids can make relatively small mistakes with their money, rather than much larger ones later. So, while $50 is a bunch of money for a kid to spend and then regret, it's a much cheaper lesson than the $1000 spent when they're older which they come to regret.

If you give them some guidance as to percentages to save/spend/donate, then let them spend on what they choose, and let them develop a sense of what is a good choice. Now that my DD16 is earning her own money and having to buy gas and pay for her parking permit at school, she sees how quickly $$ can go, and she said to me recently "mom, how could you let me buy that expensive holister stuff last year with my birthday money? wow, that was a waste" Ah, but a great lesson was learned!

True! I guess one thing we can do, if possible, is have them wait a set amount of time for purchases and decide then if they still want it. If it's something that can wait and will be just as convenient to purchase at a later time, anyway.

 

[IUTBAM]

I never got an allowance when I was growing up -- my parents paid for everything I needed & any extra things I wanted to do (movies, mall, dinner with friends, etc.) until I got a job. After that, I paid for my evenings out with my own money but my parents still paid for clothes & everything else.

Heck, when I started dating DH I was 16 and had just quit my job (didn't mesh well with my marching band schedule) and they felt bad that he always paid for our dates so they started sneaking him money, lol!

We always shopped frugally though. My parents were very generous with their money but we didn't insist on having name brand clothes... stuff from Walmart worked just as well. It wasn't until I was MUCH older that my mom & I got hooked on Coach.

I consider myself pretty financially responsible. DH & I got married at 21 and bought our first house right before we got married (a fixer-upper that needed a lot of work before we could move in). We budgeted and new how much we could afford & bought within our comfort range. We buy stuff secondhand, gladly take hand-me-downs and I do everything I can to save money in our food & household expenses. We live frugally, but comfortably.

I don't know what I'll do with DD when she gets older re: allowances. The only thing I'd do different than my parents is that I'll make her do chores (not tied to monetary compensation -- just an expectation that you contribute as a family member). My parents never made me do a single chore growing up & a have LOUSY housekeeping skills as a result, lol. We got married and I had no clue how to do a load of laundry.

Oh, my DD definitely does chores...willingly and voluntarily! She's always asking what she can do to help...I'm really blessed. It sounds like your parents did a great job raising you. And it sounds like we are doing for our DD what your parents did for you. I always felt funny giving her an allowance...I would have preferred to just give her money when she needed it. But it's good to see and know that even without allowances and what not, you can still raise a child to be financially responsible by modeling that behavior.