Bush Proposes ‘department Of Evil Measurement’

[fklhou]

BUSH PROPOSES ‘DEPARTMENT OF EVIL MEASUREMENT’

Agency Would Assign Evil Rankings to Every Nation in World

President George W. Bush today proposed the establishment of a Department of Evil Measurement, a Cabinet-level agency that would rank every nation on earth according to how evil it is.

The DOEM would collate information gathered by the State Department, CIA and other arms of the government before tabulating a final evil ranking for each country, the President said.

Mr. Bush, who had been considering the idea of an evil-measurement agency for several months, made the decision recently when Iran, a member of the Axis of Evil, recently said that it would not shoot down American warplanes straying over its airspace – a move some in the Administration interpreted as meaning that Iran may not be so evil after all.

As a result of Iran’s announcement, President Bush said, Iran was being removed from the Axis of Evil and placed instead in the Axis of Not Quite So Evil As We Thought.

In order to make the public aware of the current standings of evil nations, the President said that there would be a weekly televised countdown of the Top Fifty Evil Countries hosted by Carson Daly of MTV’s “Total Request Live.”

The President added that the Department of Evil Measurement would take many factors into consideration when determining how evil a nation is, such as whether they have cooperated in the war on terrorism and whether they export billions of gallons of petroleum to the U.S.

Mr. Bush’s decision to rank every nation in the world by evil drew strong rebukes from countries around the world, except from Canada, which the U.S. rated as “too boring to be evil.”

****Borowitz Reports****

 

[Pin Wizard]

I want the world back the way it was 20 years ago, if not longer!

 

[alabamaalan]

I believe he should just contact the Southern Poverty Law Center in Montgomery.

They apparently have the capability of doing this already

That is, as long as we can characterize terrorists themselves as hate groups and not just those that speak against them.

 

[coqui]

Originally posted by Pin Wizard
I want the world back the way it was 20 years ago, if not longer!

It have to be longer.

20 years ago everyone was afraid of nuclear war with the Russians.

Same story....Different Country now.

 

[Sonya]

Good one

 

[fklhou]

First, this is satire and is not real. In fact, Borowitz in fact is playing off the Satirewire "Axis of Not-so Evil" piece done last January.

I heard Morris Dees of the Southern Poverty Law Center speak two years ago at a lecture series sponsored by my temple. He is an amazing man and the SPLC has done some important work.

 

[coqui]

We know it is satire (or at least I know)

 

[fklhou]

Here is the piece from Satirewire.com that this piece is a homage to.
__________________
"In Speech, Bush Calls Iraq, Iran and North Korea 'Axis of Evil" -- N.Y. Times, 1/30/02

ANGERED BY SNUBBING, LIBYA, CHINA
SYRIA FORM AXIS OF JUST AS EVIL
Cuba, Sudan, Serbia Form Axis of Somewhat Evil; Other Nations Start Own Clubs

Beijing (SatireWire.com) — Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil," Libya, China, and Syria today announced they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil," which they said would be way eviler than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of his State of the Union address.

Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are Just as Evil... in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're the best evils... best at being evil... we're the best."

Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil.

"They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad.

"An Axis can't have more than three countries," explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So you can only have three. And a secret handshake. Ours is wicked cool."

THE AXIS PANDEMIC

International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered.

Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what became a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan, and Serbia said they had formed the Axis of Somewhat Evil, forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the Axis of Occasionally Evil, while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable.

With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics; Canada, Mexico, and Australia formed the Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts About America, while Spain, Scotland, and New Zealand established the Axis of Countries That Sometimes Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick.

"That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do," said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.

While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axes, although he rejected the establishment of the Axis of Countries Whose Names End in "Guay," accusing one of its members of filing a false application. Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.

Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but privately, world leaders said that's only because no one asked them.
Copyright © 2002, SatireWire.

 

[alabamaalan]

Funny!

And FOR THE RECORD, I have respect for the many accomplishments of the SPLC which is no doubt monitoring anything said about them and have probably already added my name as a dissenter!

Actually, they have done some great work, but are also a little full of themselves at times and *seem* to give only grudging admittance of non-white hate groups.

Nevertheless, I do not belong to nor endorse any groups they list on their website so I guess I'm safe!

They were just the first group I thought of that were typical for categorizing other groups and organizations.

Now, how do I learn that wicked handshake?

 

[alabamaalan]

Originally posted by fklhou
Here is the piece from Satirewire.com that this piece is a homage to.
__________________
while Spain, Scotland, and New Zealand established the Axis of Countries That Sometimes Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick.

"That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do," said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.

Uh-oh..someone's gonna get a burr up their kilt about that one!

 

[captin fink]

LOL

As a Bush supporter I found this quite funny! Thanks for the laugh. Good satire is the best form of comedy (IMHO)