BUSH PERMITS LOGGERS TO CHOP DOWN CONGRESS
House, Senate to be Replaced by 24-Screen Multiplex
In a move seemingly designed to raise the hackles of environmentalists and congressmen alike, President Bush today authorized the logging industry to begin chopping down the Capitol building immediately.
The Capitol contains a high concentration of dead wood that represents an unacceptable fire hazard, said President Bush, speaking in front of a background adorned with the slogan, Logging Rules!
Therefore, I urge the loggers of America to come to Washington, whip out their chainsaws and start chopping the old thing down, Mr. Bush said.
Once the Capitol building has been completely razed, Mr. Bushs plans for the vacated site include a shopping mall complete with food court and 24-screen multiplex.
While some in Congress howled at the Presidents unilateral decision to set loggers loose on the Capitol building, White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer said that the President was acting on the legal advice of the White House counsel.
The President does not need the permission of Congress to chop down Congress, Mr. Fleischer said.
But Senate leader Tom Daschle, in a sharply worded statement, begged to differ: I do not believe that the framers of the Constitution intended the legislative branch to be replaced by a Radio Shack and a Ben & Jerrys.
For his part, Mr. Bush rebutted Senator Daschles remark, saying that he had read the Constitution over the weekend and that the document made no mention of a legislative branch whatsoever.
The President later backtracked, explaining that he had not read the entire Constitution but had merely viewed a History Rock educational cartoon video during a recent lunch break.
*****Borowitz Reports*****
House, Senate to be Replaced by 24-Screen Multiplex
In a move seemingly designed to raise the hackles of environmentalists and congressmen alike, President Bush today authorized the logging industry to begin chopping down the Capitol building immediately.
The Capitol contains a high concentration of dead wood that represents an unacceptable fire hazard, said President Bush, speaking in front of a background adorned with the slogan, Logging Rules!
Therefore, I urge the loggers of America to come to Washington, whip out their chainsaws and start chopping the old thing down, Mr. Bush said.
Once the Capitol building has been completely razed, Mr. Bushs plans for the vacated site include a shopping mall complete with food court and 24-screen multiplex.
While some in Congress howled at the Presidents unilateral decision to set loggers loose on the Capitol building, White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer said that the President was acting on the legal advice of the White House counsel.
The President does not need the permission of Congress to chop down Congress, Mr. Fleischer said.
But Senate leader Tom Daschle, in a sharply worded statement, begged to differ: I do not believe that the framers of the Constitution intended the legislative branch to be replaced by a Radio Shack and a Ben & Jerrys.
For his part, Mr. Bush rebutted Senator Daschles remark, saying that he had read the Constitution over the weekend and that the document made no mention of a legislative branch whatsoever.
The President later backtracked, explaining that he had not read the entire Constitution but had merely viewed a History Rock educational cartoon video during a recent lunch break.
*****Borowitz Reports*****
