Bullying

[Twinkles6892]

In our school, there's been a big push against bullying. We've had two seminars (apparently the school got more funding for doing them.). We had this one guy come in, a lawyer for the state, and accuse us all of being racists and homophobes. He gave us examples of extreme bullying and told us that he knew we did it and we would be caught a punished. Then, his DVD started skipping and the majority of the auditorium laughed. You would have thought we'd cussed at him. He turned bright red and started "yelling" about how we needed to take this seriously and how we didn't want to make our school a better place, and how if we bullied we would be prosecuted. Now, isn't that reverse bullying? To have someone come in and threaten the kids? Well, not kids 15-18 year olds, but still it just rubbed me the wrong way. Plus, it really doesn't happen at our school, neither I nor anyone I know have heard of any of the cases he described.

Is anyone else's school doing this?

 

[CathrynRose]

If theyre not they sure should be.

Hopefully our children's children wont have to deal with it.

Seriously - bullying is alive and strong, even with ADULTS. ANd I think many of us would agree on that, simply be reading some of the posts on here.

 

[rentayenta]

Bullying is very scary. The long-term emotional ramifications for the bully and victim are alarming. In extreme cases both parties are more likely to engage in drug abuse, find themselves in domestic violence situations, co-dependent habits etc,. It can lead to all kinds of pathologies per a psychiatrist where I work.

My daughter is very tiny for her age and was being teased because of it. In order for her self-esteem to not suffer, the psychiatrist said that we cannot stop the teasing but the teasing is secondary really. It's the feelings of not being safe and protected that cause the most damage. When kids know they are protected and safe, the feel secure.

Chloe's teacher and principal have both been on board. She knows to go to them and she will be heard. Luckily now we have found a long-term $$$$ and medical remedy for her short stature.

The bully guy at your school sounds like a freak.

 

[Chuck S]

It depends upon how you define "bullying". I agree, given the OPs age, that classic "schoolyard beat 'em up" bullying is probably not widespread. But, OP, please consider the words and derogatory comments, ethnic slurs, "homophobic" remarks, and general "cattiness" that you probably hear and brush off on a daily basis in school. Those slurs and remarks ca be every bit as devastating to someone as being "bullied" in the more traditional sense. I hope the attorney's presentation covered that type of bullying, too.

 

[Mermaid02]

It depends upon how you define "bullying". I agree, given the OPs age, that classic "schoolyard beat 'em up" bullying is probably not widespread. But, OP, please consider the words and derogatory comments, ethnic slurs, "homophobic" remarks, and general "cattiness" that you probably hear and brush off on a daily basis in school. Those slurs and remarks ca be every bit as devastating to someone as being "bullied" in the more traditional sense. I hope the attorney's presentation covered that type of bullying, too.

Indeed he did Chuck. The OP is my daughter.

I'm sure that this type of thing does happen at her school- I'm glad she hasn't witnessed any of it- but I sure as heck think it's there. Unfortunately.

 

[CathrynRose]

Bullying is very scary. The long-term emotional ramifications for the bully and victim are alarming. In extreme cases both parties are more likely to engage in drug abuse, find themselves in domestic violence situations, co-dependent habits etc,.

I believe it. I have a girlfriend whom Ive known since 3rd grade. SHe was teased RELENTLESSLY, I got it too, beig her friend - but looking BACK on the stuff she went through...it seriously makes me want to cry. It was HORRIBLE.

She hasnt been in a nice stable relationship with a man who is kind to her, only bums. She over eats, really bad, she's always sad and angry and hurt.

It's sad. It really is. These are CHILDREN how can it be allowed???

Imagine going into work day after day - and experincing what some of these kids go through. Its just terrible. At a job - you can quit... you cant quit school, or maybe thats why some do?

 

[Mermaid02]

I believe it. I have a girlfriend whom Ive known since 3rd grade. SHe was teased RELENTLESSLY, I got it too, beig her friend - but looking BACK on the stuff she went through...it seriously makes me want to cry. It was HORRIBLE.

She hasnt been in a nice stable relationship with a man who is kind to her, only bums. She over eats, really bad, she's always sad and angry and hurt.

It's sad. It really is. These are CHILDREN how can it be allowed???

Imagine going into work day after day - and experincing what some of these kids go through. Its just terrible. At a job - you can quit... you cant quit school, or maybe thats why some do?

My son is 10 and the other kids have labeled him gay. He's very intellectual and doesn't play rough and tumble (although at home he's very adventerous). All I ever hear from the school is "I haven't heard any of that." I'm afraid he's going to lash out and be the one who gets in trouble.

 

[rentayenta]

I believe it. I have a girlfriend whom Ive known since 3rd grade. SHe was teased RELENTLESSLY, I got it too, beig her friend - but looking BACK on the stuff she went through...it seriously makes me want to cry. It was HORRIBLE.

She hasnt been in a nice stable relationship with a man who is kind to her, only bums. She over eats, really bad, she's always sad and angry and hurt.

It's sad. It really is. These are CHILDREN how can it be allowed???

Imagine going into work day after day - and experincing what some of these kids go through. Its just terrible. At a job - you can quit... you cant quit school, or maybe thats why some do?

The harmful effects are truly astounding and it spreads like wildfire. Once the damage is done, it's extremely hard to repair as anyone who has been in therapy can attest to. That's why zero tolerance is so important. I hate when I hear the "kids will be kids" rationale. Kids will be what we expect of them and what we tolerate. This is learned behavior and usually the bully is in pain as well; it doesn't come from nowhere.

*off soapbox for now*

 

[rentayenta]

My son is 10 and the other kids have labeled him gay. He's very intellectual and doesn't play rough and tumble (although at home he's very adventerous). All I ever hear from the school is "I haven't heard any of that." I'm afraid he's going to lash out and be the one who gets in trouble.

You have been to the school and spoken with admin and this is what they are telling you? I would go to the supervisor of whoever you spoke to. The whole team needs to be on board to protect our children.

 

[MushyMushy]

IMO, I think a lot of the schools just pay lip service to bullying. It's easy to address physical bullying because you can SEE it clearly. The relational and emotional bullying is so much harder to prove, so they basically talk to the kids (like in the OP's school) and rely on the kids to stop it themselves -- as if just knowing about it will put a stop to it.

You've got to watch for more than the blatant name calling and pushing/hitting. You've got to watch for the glares, the snubs, and the whispers. Not so easy, but it's still so important to protect kids from this because it will affect them for life.

 

[lisajl]

Welcome to my world! My DS-12, who is 5'9" tall has been bullied terribly this year. So much so, we have just taken him out of public school. His pyschologist said for our sons safety, we need to take him out.
We will be trying an online school for him. The doctor said my son has started believing all the hateful things people have said to him over the years.
For his mental health, emotional stability, that is why we took him out.

Why is it always on the kid getting picked on and not the kids doing the bullying? Why? The parents of one of the boys is a hateful man, and I am pretty sure he abuses his son. So in turn, his son, takes it out on my son.

I am happy he is out of there...Thurs was his last day. Does not start online school till the 20th, but teachers have agreed to send him some work until then (through public school).

Bullies did exsist when I was a kid, they exsist now and will in the future.
I just hope we can rebuild our sons self esteem.

 

[Mermaid02]

You have been to the school and spoken with admin and this is what they are telling you? I would go to the supervisor of whoever you spoke to. The whole team needs to be on board to protect our children.

They say it "won't be tolerated" yet it continues to happen. The biggest offender is a cute little girl in his class- I think this has something to do with it. She even gets other kids to do things to him like "shock" him and then laughs.

 

[Cool-Beans]

They do more harm than good with those presentations. I laughed at those people as a kid. A giant chunk of kids find the subject LESS serious after people like that come in to talk.

And we never would have tried "huffing" if they hadn't brought someone in to do a "Drugs are Bad" speech in which he told us it existed, how to do it, and that we shouldn't.

 

[Sinderelli]

The harmful effects are truly astounding and it spreads like wildfire. Once the damage is done, it's extremely hard to repair as anyone who has been in therapy can attest to. That's why zero tolerance is so important. I hate when I hear the "kids will be kids" rationale. Kids will be what we expect of them and what we tolerate. This is learned behavior and usually the bully is in pain as well; it doesn't come from nowhere.

*off soapbox for now*

It's such a shame, but I think a lot of times the schools don't know WhAT to do. I am a first grade teacher in a Catholic school, and I witnessed a fellow teacher take an unusual approach to bullying. She witnessed one child making disparaging remarks to another child, and, rather than punish the offender in the traditional manner, she assigned him a paper. He had to research (online) a case of bullying and report back to the class what he learned. The cases involved kids who committed suicide, were emotionally damaged, etc. When he gave his report, there were girls AND boys crying in class. The teacher said it was the single best lesson she could ever give. She does this whenever a case of bullying occurs. There is a whole website dedicated to this- I will ask her for it if anyone is interested.

 

[HonestAbe]

You know - there are different types of bullying and although many of us were probably subjected to or subjected others to it ourselves, this is unfortunately part of growing up. Some schools might be worse than others at controlling it but the main point I would like to make is it is not up to the school to completely control our children. As parents we have to bring them up correctly and encourage good behavior and communication. If they are bullied you can then perhaps use the school as a conduit to contact the bully's family to help stop it, but dont fault the school.

 

[Chuck S]

If they are bullied you can then perhaps use the school as a conduit to contact the bully's family to help stop it, but dont fault the school.

I agree that almost every child will encounter some bullying, but there is a difference between the "occasional" incident that a child can deal with and an ongoing problem. The parents have every right to expect a school to deal with an ongoing discipline problem without having to confront the other child's parents. And the school has a legal responsibility to protect children that are in their care.

 

[Principessa Alba]

And the school has a legal responsibility to protect children that are in their care.

Seriously! It would be so frustrating to send a kid off to a place where he wasn't being protected.

I've worked in schools and I've seen teachers look the other way so many times. "They need to work things out by themselves."

No, they need adults to step in and control the situation and show kids what will and won't be tolerated!

 

[HonestAbe]

Seriously! It would be so frustrating to send a kid off to a place where he wasn't being protected.

I've worked in schools and I've seen teachers look the other way so many times. "They need to work things out by themselves."

No, they need adults to step in and control the situation and show kids what will and won't be tolerated!

Kids will be kids...but doesnt the rest go "but adults will do what needs to be done?" I had a kid in school who bullied me but I did the same to others... Was it right? Heck no. But that didnt stop it from happening and it usually occurred when a teacher wasnt around to stop it.

 

[rentayenta]

It's such a shame, but I think a lot of times the schools don't know WhAT to do. I am a first grade teacher in a Catholic school, and I witnessed a fellow teacher take an unusual approach to bullying. She witnessed one child making disparaging remarks to another child, and, rather than punish the offender in the traditional manner, she assigned him a paper. He had to research (online) a case of bullying and report back to the class what he learned. The cases involved kids who committed suicide, were emotionally damaged, etc. When he gave his report, there were girls AND boys crying in class. The teacher said it was the single best lesson she could ever give. She does this whenever a case of bullying occurs. There is a whole website dedicated to this- I will ask her for it if anyone is interested.

I think that is a great idea. Bring it to their level. Allow them to see the effects!




I don't know if the schools should be liable or not, what I do know is that our kids are in school more than they are at home sometimes and they need to feel protected there. It's the not feeling heard and not feeling safe that does the most damage. Imagine if you never felt heard as a child and that's all you knew. You might tend to make unwise choices with regard to who you date and might be willing to do whatever it took to be heard.

lisajl- I am so sorry your family is having to deal with this. You should be admired for accepting that your son needs a professional to help you all work though this. I have seen lots of folks, even parents of the victims, try to sweep it under the carpet. The message that sends the child is that they do not matter- pathetic. Empowering our children is so important; the life of a victim is no picnic!

It takes accountability on all parts.

 

[lisajl]

I think that is a great idea. Bring it to their level. Allow them to see the effects!


lisajl- I am so sorry your family is having to deal with this. You should be admired for accepting that your son needs a professional to help you all work though this. I have seen lots of folks, even parents of the victims, try to sweep it under the carpet. The message that sends the child is that they do not matter- pathetic. Empowering our children is so important; the life of a victim is no picnic!

It takes accountability on all parts.

Thank you. My younger sons sitter just called me and told me I should fill out harrassment papers on the boys. I just told her my first concern is my son. I need to help him first...I really don't have time or energy to focus on the bullies.

Good luck to everyone having to deal with these situations.
Lisa