Bullying in college?

[keypooh90]

Hello. This is actually my first post on this forum, but I figured you all might have some insight into this situation. I'll warn you that this post might get kind of lengthy, but I really need to vent.

Last year was my freshman year of college. I had an amazing year academically, absolutely loved my work study job and supervisor, enjoyed my classes, got involved in a few clubs, and had a great core group of friends. However, I had several bad experiences that made me consider/think about transfering somewhere else for this year.

I was bullied/attacked for most of the year. It was all pretty much done anonyomously, except for a few things. Even so, I didn't have concrete evidence for anyone person, so whenever I went to the RA/RLC, they basically said they couldn't do a thing about it. The attacks were everything from messages sent from anonymous e-mails and formspring, to sticky notes left on my dorm door, to messages left on the whiteboard outside my door. Our RA left dry erase markers in the bathroom for people to leave messages, and someone even scrawled hateful words about me all over the mirror, and yet the RA still did nothing. I even had a few "hate"/mock gifts left hanging on my door, had "F---U" scrawled on one of my door decorations...two others were ripped off my door/crumpled. I had a friend leave a poster on my door one weekend when I was off campus, and when I came back it had been marked on.

Recently, I found out three names of girls involved, from a friend of mine. The issue that makes this situation even worse is two of those girls are RA's/PAL'S (orientation leaders), this year. These girls are supposed to be caring, supportive people of character, and yet, they bully me so badly that I was crying alot, not sleeping, dreading leaving my dorm. To make it even worse, my old roommate, who was definitely involved, is living across from me this semester. We move-in in six days, and I sort of had a panic attack/meltdown over the situation tonight. I want to be the bigger person and let this be a test/build of character, but last year just left a bad taste in my mouth.

Has anyone ever been through a similar situation?

Thanks,

Carrielee

 

[DonaldDuck1117]

Oh my gosh, I am so sorry! I mean, when you go off to college all this crap is suppose to stop! I would suggest, if it starts happening again, to go to your new RA and if that doesn't get things done, go over their head and go to their boss. That should get things done.

Don't accept this type of behavior!

 

[mooqtie215]

You would seriously think by college age people have grown up, seeing as they are going for schooling for their adult career, and are old enough to buy cigarrettes/vote/go to war.

I'm sorry you have had such a bad college experience so far Girls are terrible sometimes..esp if those people are supposed to be RA's and provide advice, friendliness and be an example to others. At my school, people are mostly in their own cliques and don't bother with people they dislike, which is kind of the opposite of what your experiencing. I would say if you can, move out of the dorm into another one, or commute from home if you can. And talk to a professor you are close with about it, who will take what you are saying seriously.

 

[meganDCP2010]

Wow, people need to grow up. I'd try to move somewhere else if I were you. I'd also report it to the campus police.

 

[glendalais]

That's quite serious, and certainly not something to be tolerated in a University environment.

I would definately go over your RA's head to his/her superior. If you feel they are not responding to your concerns, you may want to involve your University Ombudsman or another third party. If you feel your safety is threatened, don't hesitate to contact Campus Police or local authorities if necessary.

 

[SarahNicole]

This makes me so sad to read! I am an RA in a freshman dorm, and I can't imagine ignoring something like this. If your RA won't listen to you, see if there is another one in the building who will help you out. I've had residents from other floors come to me because they couldn't get in touch with their own RA, and I've always made an effort to help out as much as I can. If you can't find an RA, try to get in touch with your Hall/Community Director (or whatever your school calls the RA's boss). They should be able to help you get a housing transfer if the bullying continues.

I hope it gets better for you!!

 

[Anna's_Order]

Sucks to be you, comrade.

All I can say is even when it seems like everything is really bad, eventually it gets better, somehow.

 

[WishAndDream]

Forget trying to show strength of character. That kind of a situation is NOT something that anyone should have to put up with, and it is not unreasonable for you to want to find a way to not deal with it this year. These were personal attacks (non-violent, but still) and it sounds like you felt your safety was in question at several times last year. Is your school big or small? If it's big, I would seriously try to get moved to another building, away from these girls. You could try to tough it out in in your scheduled dorm room for this year, the one that's right across the hall from your old roommate, but I really think you'd just be setting yourself up for continued harassment. And while things might be better because it's a new year, everyone's a year older, etc... things could also continue to escalate and get worse. Some people will never become mature. The best you can do is try to avoid them. If you go to a really small school... I would seriously consider transferring if the school continues to be unable to do anything about it. But definitely keep trying to get the school to do something. Where I go to school, if people did this, they would definitely be kicked out of housing (and possibly the school altogether). Is there anyway you could live off campus? If you can't get moved to a different spot but decide not to leave, I would seriously consider finding somewhere else to be second semester. Go study abroad, or do an internship somewhere (Disney College Program?), but be somewhere else. That will if nothing else give you a break from these girls, and maybe - not likely but maybe - they will mature in your absence. Plus, you could probably get a different housing assignment for the next year, and get a really positive experience out of the semester.

I would try to get this settled before school starts. I know you only have six days, but I would contact your school's housing department (or RAs, or conflict resolution services, or whatever your school has) immediately. I don't know if you have contact information for your RAs for this year; if you don't, seriously, just call the housing department.

I sincerely hope things work out much better this year. I think I speak for everyone here when I say that if you ever need to rant more, or need support of any kind, you can talk about it here with us.

 

[keypooh90]

Thanks so much for the support, everyone!

I'm already getting nervous about this upcoming year. Since pretty much all the attacks were anonymous, every time I went to an RA or an RLC (RA's "boss"), they'd tell me something around the lines of "I'm sorry they destroyed/vandalized your door dec/poster/whatever, but since it's anonyomous we can't do anything about it." When this all started back in September/October, the RA actually came to my room and confronted me, saying people on the hall had been complaining about me. This made me so upset that I actually started crying in front of her. These girls were complaining about me, when they were the ones bullying? Really?! I only found about the names of three girls about three days ago, and am not sure if I want to confront them about it or not.

As for whether my school is small/big, it's actually a 2-year undergraduate division of Emory University (Oxford College). It's located on the original Emory campus and serves freshmen and sophomores only. We have around 750 students total and four residence halls (although one will be strictly freshmen this year). There are no apartments or anything near by (it's out in the boonies, pretty much), so I have no option to live off campus. I've emailed the RLC about possibly moving out, but haven't heard anything from him yet. If things do continue, I will definitely report the activities to campus security/police. I've also been taking pictures of everything and saving ruined door decs/posters for "proof".

The one good thing, is I've been blessed with the most incredible work study supervisor. Whenever I was upset/dealing with issues last year, she'd set aside time in her busy schedule to let me talk/vent. Even if she couldn't offer advice, she went above and beyond and we are actually friends now. She's the one who referred me to the RLC after one incident, but then the RLC gave me the same "Well, I'll work on getting your roommate moved out, but since she's moving out, we don't need to have a conference or refer her to conduct board or anything."

Grrr. This is just so unfair. These girls have taken so much from me, it's ridiculous. I had horrible self-esteem issues in middle school, but found my own place in theatre/drama in high school and really blossomed. These events have really affected me and sort of made me drift back to my shy/loner ways.

 

[WishAndDream]

If you're serious about finding a different building to live in - and it sounds like you are - I would try to find a phone number and call rather than keep waiting on email. At least at my school, it's almost always better to call. They get back to you much sooner, and there are a lot of things you can sort out in one phone call that would take several emails to deal with.

What happens after this year? Will you all move to the same junior/senior campus, or is there a possibility that you'll all end up in different places? I've never heard or a 4-year college having a dedicated campus for freshman and sophomores, so this is a bit confusing to me.

I'm a non-confrontational person in general, but I think in this case it makes more sense to not confront them. I would not confront them, and I suggest you don't either. It might feel like you're not standing up for yourself and like you're "letting" this keep happening, but that's really not case. These girls clearly don't care about your feelings; I see no reason for them to behave better towards you just because you've told them you know it's them and you don't like it. In fact, it seems likely to me that things will only get worse. I think your best bet is to just avoid them as best you can (including preferably living not directly across the hall from one of them) and focus on building the other areas of your life.

 

[TinkerMouse]

I'm a non-confrontational person in general, but I think in this case it makes more sense to not confront them. I would not confront them, and I suggest you don't either. It might feel like you're not standing up for yourself and like you're "letting" this keep happening, but that's really not case. These girls clearly don't care about your feelings; I see no reason for them to behave better towards you just because you've told them you know it's them and you don't like it. In fact, it seems likely to me that things will only get worse. I think your best bet is to just avoid them as best you can (including preferably living not directly across the hall from one of them) and focus on building the other areas of your life.

This makes sense, however, AFTER you move IF they find a way to continue harassing you that's when you need to confront them and let them know that if they keep it up you will press charges. Harassment that makes you fear for your safety and some types of emotional abuse are crimes and get punished as such when reported. Confronting them is not going to make it worse if they know you are serious about having the police get a hold of them. If the school won't help you handle it then the legal system will.

 

[littlewitch34]

This makes me so sad to read! I am an RA in a freshman dorm, and I can't imagine ignoring something like this. If your RA won't listen to you, see if there is another one in the building who will help you out. I've had residents from other floors come to me because they couldn't get in touch with their own RA, and I've always made an effort to help out as much as I can. If you can't find an RA, try to get in touch with your Hall/Community Director (or whatever your school calls the RA's boss). They should be able to help you get a housing transfer if the bullying continues.

I hope it gets better for you!!

YES. THIS. I am an RA (and have been one for 2.5 years, currently at RA training for the 5th time, as we have training every semester).

If your RA is not helping, or if your RA is, in fact, one of those cruel girls, you can go to any RA in the building. RAs are there to serve the residents, and if you are not comfortable going to your RA/they have done nothing, then you need to go to another RA, or to the Resident Director (RD)/CA/CD (the RA's boss -- the head of your hall) because I know that they will be extremely displeased with the way that your RA has handled things. If this situation was brought to an Resident Director's attention at my school, the girls in question and the RA who did nothing would definitely have hell to pay.

You do not deserve this happening; it is extremely unfair and cruel and no one should have to go through what you went through.

If you really want to transfer, then that is up to you, but don't let these girls push you out of a school. If there is another building/floor you can transfer/move to, see if you can do that. Like I said, this is completely unfair. If you were my resident, this would already have been taken care of and those girls would not have been hired for Residence Life.

ETA:

If you ever, ever, ever want to talk, just PM me. I got bullied a lot in middle school and I know it's not the same as being bullied in college, but I'm a friendly listening ear and shoulder to cry on. I promise.

 

[Alphabetsoup]

I am so sorry this is happening.

My first thought was the email harassment....that is actually considered a form of 'terrorism' these days. You need to log the emails and turn them over to campus police, pointing out that you get other things done to your door, etc...so you know it is someone on campus.

Of course...I'm also a techy...so I would buy a mini video camera that you can set up to record wirelessly....insert it into something on your door and get video evidence!

Failing that..DOCUMENT EVERYTHING!! Every note, every scrawled message on the door...PHOTOGRAPH EVERYTHING...get times and dates. And you need to mention to the head RA that your RA didn't do anything last year and if something isn't done this year you will file a grievance on the university level...in the meantime file complaints with campus police and KEEP filing them until they step in.

I don't put up with this sort of nonsense....and really, you should have reported this higher up the food chain last year. Now it is really too late, unless the harassment starts up again. Your only other option is to change dorms or move off campus.

Good luck!

 

[keypooh90]

Just a quick update:

Everything is going absolutely wonderful so far this semester! My roommate and I get along great and have a much better relationship than I did with my previous roommate. More than that, no signs of vandalism or bullying or anything at all thus far. I'm being cautiously optimistic that this year will be completely different from last year.

And like my supervisor told me (we're good friends and I come by to just chat with her when I'm not working), it's good to just forget that all that happened and remember all the positive things I have going this year. She is so amazing and I know how to get in touch with her if things were to happen.

 

[littlewitch34]

Just a quick update:

Everything is going absolutely wonderful so far this semester! My roommate and I get along great and have a much better relationship than I did with my previous roommate. More than that, no signs of vandalism or bullying or anything at all thus far. I'm being cautiously optimistic that this year will be completely different from last year.

And like my supervisor told me (we're good friends and I come by to just chat with her when I'm not working), it's good to just forget that all that happened and remember all the positive things I have going this year. She is so amazing and I know how to get in touch with her if things were to happen.

Atta girl! I'm so happy for you that this year is working out. You deserve to have an awesome experience, not marred by any meangirls. If anything more does happen, you take care of it... but for now, enjoy your good roomie and your good year!

 

[LukenDC]

Bullying in college is unacceptable. If the RA cannot or will not help, then go to a dean.

 

[Sharon Smith]

Bullying in school is one of the rising problems that our children are facing nowadays. As a parent, it is important to educate our children on how to handle this kind of situation, and school administration must be aware of this concern so that this situation will not be tolerated. As a father, it is my responsibility to protect my children against any situation that could harm them. In fact as one way to prevent this kind of situation, I constantly communicate with him. To this extent I provided him a tool that he could easily ask immediate assistance from emergency response center for whatever problems that he might be encountering, and by that, it is easier for me as well to guide him from any possible hazardous situation. For more details about this safety solution, try to take a look in their website SafeTREC.com

 

[dsanner106]

I am very happy that things are going well for you this term and hope that is still the case. I formerly worked at your college, and although this is something seen on all college Campuses, it is not normally tolerated there. The key is to not expect the RA's etc to deal with this, if you feel threatened and your property has been damaged, you need to go to campus police and file reports. RA's are there to deal with the little inter-personal disputes and give you someone to go to for advice. They do not replace security. They should have sent you to file reports after the first couple incidents. We had one incident there about 15 years ago, campus police placed a hidden camera on the girls door and did other things to catch the people doing it. Hope all is still going well and that the other girls have perhaps grown up a bit.

D