Bridesmaid Selection Etiquette

[LuluLovesDisney]

I am just curious how everyone chose their bridesmaids. I have a while to decide, but I am thinking about it already. Is it awkward to ask someone who did not ask you to be in hers? Likewise, is it awkward to *not* ask someone who had you in hers?

I have one friend who I recently met, who I would probably want to ask, since we've become very close. I also have a very close friend who is getting married in another country and asked her sister, her forever-since-childhood friend and another friend. I thought I would have been asked, but I wasn't. (Probably due to $ involved in travel, I guess (?) but I'm not sure since we always talked about having each other in our bridal parties for years) I also have another friend who recently reestablished a friendship with me, but we weren't speaking at the time of her wedding (she was only engaged for 4 months, which happened during the 6 months we didn't talk). Would I look foolish if I asked these people?

Aren't people usually in *each others* bridal parties?

Anyway, just curious.

 

[McBeck83]

Ask who you want. Its your decision to chose. If they didn't pick you to be in their wedding, then you can still ask them - there is no real etiquette in regards to that.

Its up to you!

 

[DisneyDeeFL]

i don't think there's any real etiquette to choosing...you certainly don't have to ask someone to be in your wedding just because you were in theirs. For me, i asked my sister and my best friend from 8th grade. over the years i have made many new friends, but realize that realistically, these two are the only ones i KNOW i'll still be in touch with 5, 10, 20 years down the road.

I'm in graduate school now, and if i were getting married 2 years ago (right after i got my bachelor's), i would have probably wanted 5 or 6 girls in my wedding party, but now that i have graduated and moved away from the town where i was an undergrad, i've found that i've barely kept in touch with any of them. sad but true

Same thing goes for right now...i have made more friends while working on my graduate degree, but i can't honestly say that we will be in close touch with each other once we all move away and begin our careers.

so i guess my point is, ask whoever you feel is most important to you, and who you want supporting you and your husband-to-be throughout the entire wedding process! hope this helps

 

[heatherlynn444]

i didn't have this problem being teh first of my firends to get married, but my older sister was in a girls wedding and..it was werid b/c they were not close at all, and when my sis got married she did not have her in her wedding, and I don't think anything was said about it.

i also agree that if my wedding were 3 years ago, it would have been so different as far as BM's go, but I have made some new frinds late ryears in college, etc. and had them instead. its your wedding, so have who you want to have!

 

[DisneyFairy19]

I actually am choosing cousins for my bridesmaids... I dont have any really "GOOD FRIENDS." You can actuallu see who your true friends are when you get engaged and start planning a wedding. So I chose just my Sister as MOH (wouldnt be any other way) and my cousins who I am very close too..

 

[purplegirl247]

We're actually not having any bridesmaid/groomsmen at all. I thought about friends I had five years ago, friends I have now and friends that I thought I would have in five years, and none of them were the same. lol! What was most important to me was in twenty years, still having good feelings over who stood next to me, instead of having to wonder who that girl in the picture was!

What I'm really saying is, it's up to you, and who you think will be the most supportive now, as well as who will still be meaningful to you later. Good luck!

 

[Lynn5700]

I didn't have this problem because I am the second one out of my friends to get married. I was in my friend Angela's wedding 3 years ago and she will be in mine. I met her in Highschool(we were in Cosmo together) and she went to grade school with my fiance so we are all very good friends. She was my best friend is highschool.

My maid of honor is my sister. She will be 19 when we get married.
My other bm is my fi's sister Shannon and we are very close. He has another sister but I am not having her in it. She barely talks to us and lives out of state. I was going to have her in it at first when I was planning to have my wedding in Jersey but she would never respond to any of my calls or my fis calls.
My other bm is my best friend Lisa. She used to live right down the street from me. She moved from Philly to Jersey when she was 5 years old and we have been friends ever since.

I chose the people who are most important to me,and who I know feel the same way about me. There is no rule that sais you have to have them in your wedding if you were in thiers.

 

[myprincessgirlisa]

my best advice would be to ask the girls who are truely your close/best friends/family......dont go by whos wedding you were in or who you think might want to be in it.

You want this to be your special day with close special people

My girlfriend is standing up in her BIL wedding & she said she was only asked because it was her BIL. Shes not the closeset to the bride but she did it cause she was asked, the bride is soon to be family & the bride also has my girlfriends kids in the wedding, so she felt she had to say yes(i would disagree)

you dont want this to happen to you......you want smooth, drama free, happy, helpful, loving bridesmaids....choose the ones you want as opposed to the "I feel i should ask them" list

Good luck & I hope you are able to figure it out stress free

 

[disprincessatheart]

As far as the girl who didn't ask you to be in her wedding - could be because she and DF agreed to the number they'd each ask, and maybe his list was smaller than hers. More than likely it's that and a combination of the wedding being so far away she wanted to make sure you felt like you had a choice in coming.

 

[JandJ]

I only had my niece as MOH. If we hadn't had an Intimate I would have had my niece and my BFF as co-MOH. If I asked every girl to be in my wedding whose weddings I was in, that would have been my whole Intimate guest list Seriously, some people do take it personally if they are not asked. I was a little hurt years ago when my BFF asked her childhood friend to be MOH and me to be a bridesmaid, we were best friends for 8 years at the time, and especially since the MOH got totally drunk and I had to do most of her MOH duties anyway! I've had 3 friends over the years who were married out of state and only 1 asked me to be a bridesmaid; the others said they would ask but didn't want me to feel obligated to pay for travel on top of a dress, shoes, etc. I thought that was actually quite thoughtful of them. Ask who you know you want to be closest to you on your day and who you think you'll still be friends with years from now.

 

[mla1977]

I look at it differently. I was not asked by my two cousins (on my DM's side). I was actually relieved because I knew that would mean that it wouldn't obligate me to ask them. I have two other cousins (on my DF's side)they are 6 and 8 years younger than me and I moved away to college when they were still in elementary school. I've already determined that my BFF from HS and my BFF from college will be my maid and matron of honor respectively when the time comes. My BF was recently best man in a wedding and his other friend's wife was talking about this with me. Aside from my two closest friends, I have another layer of friends that I wouldn't know who would be next. I had actually considered her and and another friend because their husbands would most likely be my BF's choices. She jokingly suggested I have her as a bridesmaid!!! Now at least I know that it is an option.

Anyways. I agree to ask who you want. Don't feel obligated to ask someone b/c you were in their wedding party, etc, etc.

 

[TXTurtle]

I'm in the "ask who you want" catagory. As a former BM yourself you know what a pain (a priviledged pain, but pain nonetheless) it is to be one. Honestly the weddings I've enjoyed the most were the ones where I was close enough to almost be a BM but wasn't - instead of sitting getting my hair cemented into strange styles or photographed a thousand different times I was hanging with the groomsmen, painting the car, stuffing rice into suitcases, and generally goofing off having a wonderful time. So no, your totally not obligated to repay anyone with a BM slot, even if they did make you wear an ugly dress.

 

[j_lehr]

You should ask the girls whom you want to share your special day with. It doesn't matter if you were in their wedding or not...everyone has reasons for asking the people they do. My matron of honor got married in 2005 and I was not in her wedding - she has a huge family and she is filapino (and having a traditional wedding) so she had all that to think about.

I was in a wedding in August 2006 - the girl was my close friend Danielle's twin sister and they needed another girl. I didn't ask her to be in my wedding in return since we were never that close. Danielle and I had some issues around the same time as the wedding and we arn't as close as we used to be so when I got engaged I didn't ask her to be in my wedding even though that was always my plan. I figured with the things that had happened, we would both feel uncomfortable.

So I guess bottom line...you gotta pick who you want and who you are comfortable with.

Good Luck!

 

[Kashmir104]

I dont think there is any right or wrong way to pick your bridal party. I'm actually having a difficult time myself! The problem is that my friends come from different points of my life (childhood, college, family, work,etc) and none of them know eachother very well and come from all over the country (Connecticut, NYC, SoCal, Las Vegas, NoCal.) You see, my fiance and I have become very close with his friends (mostly all guys with an every changing group of girlfriends), so unfortunately I have lost touch with many friends over the years as I grew closer to DF's friends. However, I already chose my MOH- my little sister, who will actually be 12.5 at the time of the wedding (we are 12.5 years apart). Then I have DF's sister (my future SIL) as a bridesmaid (we became rather close over the last few years) who lives in Cali (I'm actually all the way across the country in Connecticut right now! DF is in Cali as well. Long distance relationships stink! ). I also have a good friend from college as a bridesmaid (she is home in Las Vegas right now), and a good friend that I've known since I was in kindergarten (we're not as close as we were in elementary school, but we have always kept in touch and try to visit each other as often as possible. She's in SoCal right now) I'm struggling trying to decide if I want 2 others in my bridal party. One would be my 2nd cousin (we work together and DF and I have grown close with her and her fiance (I am not in her wedding. She has 9 female first cousins, 1 friend from HS, and another from college as her bridal party), but we've only gotten really really close over the last 6 months. We've known each other all out lives, but we've only recently started hanging out and stuff together. Another would be a friend of mine I've known for 3 years. We worked together every summer for the last 3 years, but have become close since this past summer when I moved to Connecticut permanently and go to visit her in NYC at least once a month. I can see us being life-long friends for sure and she's one of the people who have been the most helpful and supportive with planning the wedding, so i really want her to be part of my special day, but I wouldn't say I know her AS well as I know my friend from elementary school or fiance's sister. Plus, I want an even number... either 4 BMs or 6. It's sooo hard to decide!!!! Still very unsure what to do. Is a bridal party of 6 too big? (our wedding will be approx. 100 people)

 

[PirateBride08]

I don't think there is any set rule on who to ask and who not to. When my brother got married and my sister-in-law was picking bridesmaids she has a hard time. She was very very close with 2 girls since middle school and then there was me, and two girls she met later on in life. She asked me to be her MOH (I was so honored!) and had her 2 "best friends" and 2 of her other close friends....well, 4 years later and I am the only one she still talks to on a weekly basis! I say go with the people that you truly want and feel close to.

 

[nadine nunner]

Hi im new to this forum and havent really ever been part of these kind of discussions forums. Anyway to put you in the picture im due to be married sometime next year, we have a provisional date but we are not completely decided on i

 

[girli565]

I actually am choosing cousins for my bridesmaids... I dont have any really "GOOD FRIENDS." You can actuallu see who your true friends are when you get engaged and start planning a wedding. So I chose just my Sister as MOH (wouldnt be any other way) and my cousins who I am very close too..

I know this is an old thread but this is so true. I thought my friends were great and amazing friends and would treat me just like I treat them but planning a wedding has really opened my eyes to their true selves.

I'm an only child but I'm very close with my cousins who are ten yrs older than me. They offered right away to give me my bridal shower and I'm so appreciative. Now you would think that my friends would step up and give me my bachelorette party... Well no one has even mentioned it. Now am I supposed to plan my own? I'd rather not have one if thats the case. I truly thought my friends would step up and do this. Guess not.

 

[LuluLovesDisney]

I am surprised to see this thread pop up! I am the OP, 3 years later and now that I am married I am surprised at how easy it was to pick my girls. I ended up not asking my new friend and stuck with the ones I've known much longer. I chose my cousin and my best friend of 10 years as my 2 maid of honor and 3 very close friends to be my bridesmaids. I do not have any sisters or other female cousins close to my age, so it all worked out. I have 3 brothers and 3 sisters in law, all of whom are 11 plus years older than I am so I had them walk down the aisle where grandparents would have walked if we had had any living grandparents and they all got flowers, etc. My nephews and niece were ushers, ring bearer and flower girl, so my whole family was involved. I post this because choosing a bridal party when I had mainly those over 41 and those under 16 to consider (and mostly males since I have 3 brothers and 5 nephews!) was something that perplexed me at first!

 

[Dr.Cinderella]

I am dealing with this same issue as I have posted about it my PJ, but my wedding is still a year and a half away so I have some time to decide. Any advice for me would be appreciated! My fiance and I both have a lot of people we are close to, so we know our wedding party is going to be pretty big. My fiance, Chris is probably going to have 7 grooms men: my brother and 6 of his best friends he has been really close with since high school, one of whom is his best man. I am going to have 6 bridesmaids I think, my sister is my maid of honor, also Chris's sister, and my four cousins that I have been best friends with since I was a baby. Chris's sister just had a baby a few months ago, who will be two at our wedding, and she is going to be our flowergirl! She is young, but she will be adorable and can hold her mom's hand down the aisle since she is a bridesmaid. I am also thinking about having a good friend of mine since I was really little be my 7th bridesmaid, but I am not sure because her and my sister dont really get along well, and I dont want any kind of stress or drama on my wedding day. She also just had a baby girl so I could have a second 2 year old flowergirl if her mom is in it too, again cute but not sure if its a good idea! I dont think she would be hurt if I didnt ask her, because the rest of my bridesmaids are all family, but I am not sure.

We arent sure if we are going to have a ring bearer or not, Chris's stepsister has 2 little boys who will be 2 and 3 at the time of the wedding. We might have them, Im sure it would be cute but I dont want to create stress by having all these little kids in the wedding! They dont have a parent in the bridal party though, so I dont know how we would get them down the aisle. I also think I may want to have Major Domo, in which case we wouldnt need a ring bearer at all right? Anyone have any advice for me about any of this? I am not going to officially ask anyone until we are about a year away though!