Bridesmaid Etiquette

[Princess_Pris85]

Hello everyone! DISboards are my go to boards for all questions that need answers. Today I'm faced with a wedding related question.

I've been asked to be a bridesmaid in a wedding this September. I've already purchased the bridesmaid dress (over $100) and must still buy the matching shoes, get matching hairstyles, etc. The wedding is somewhat of a destination wedding since it involves quite a bit of traveling and a hotel rental....in other words, I'm going to be spending a pretty penny on the whole thing. I don't mind spending the money, but I'm wondering, do I get the couple a gift as well?

Thank you!

 

[MsEsty]

I think the "rules" say yes. I know some Bridesmaids go in and get a token something so if you are friends with any of the other girls (especially since they are also shelling out $$), they might appreciate sharing in a gift

 

[lpizzuro123]

For our wedding in November 2008 my bridesmaids all gave me a gift. I did get them alot of stuff thanking them for being my bridesmaid but they purchased their own dresses, shoes, accessories (I bought them a necklace), and traveled down to Florida. We also took them all to brunch the morning before the wedding after the rehearsal.

Linda

 

[kcampbell]

Yes, you absolutely have to get them a gift. (And if the bride is having a shower/party you have to buy a seperate gift for that event as well) Being a bridesmaid is often pricey, but many brides pay for things like jewelry, hair and make-up, etc to help their girls out. Hopefully your friend does the same.

 

[PrincessShea]

I wouldn't.

But then again I bought my bridesmaids their dresses and jewelry, and also paid for their hair and makeup, and let them wear mismatched shoes they already had. I also didn't expect any gifts from anyone since I know a destination wedding is a burden for people.

 

[ColeV]

I paid for their rooms, material for their dress (they made them), their hair, and they bought their own shoes (whatever they wanted). I got a small gift from one of them, but I generally considered the travel and such to be part of it. It was my wedding, if I wanted things just so I felt I should pay for it. If they felt like getting me something small, then that's wonderful, if not, I'd just be glad to see them have a fun experience!

 

[rachy]

We have paid for our bridesmaids dress, shoes, and hair doing. We have alsoe bought her a gift to say thank you.

We don't expect any gift from her or anyone else as they are travelling from the UK and had to pay accomodation, flights etc.

I think if they had bought your outfit then yes, but in all honesty i don't agree with asking someone to be your bridesmaid then expecting them to pay for their outfit that you choose. But thats just me.

Rachel
x

 

[disneybex]

I think there are very different rules for bridesmaids in the UK compared to the US, here most Brides pay for all dresses, shoes, accessories and most other expenses for BMs so a gift would definitely be in order.

However I think one of the earlier suggestions of going in together with other BMs for a gift is a good idea. Plus as a dear friend the bride would understand that you have spent a lot of ££ and a token gift or something which is really personal or handmade but doesn't cost a lot can really mean a lot.

 

[Bride-to-be]

We paid for everything for our bridal party, tuxes, dresses, shoes, hair and makeup and all accessories. We also paid for all hotel rooms so they really didn't have any expenses whatsoever.

We weren't expecting to get gifts from any of our guests just because people had to take time off from work etc.

It turned out in the end that EVERYONE except for one of my bridesmaids and DH's best man gave us a gift. We weren't expecting anything but now looking back on it, it seems weird that they didn't do anything at all. A card would have even been nice. Oh well.

I think the best gifts are the ones that are most thoughtful even if they don't cost much. If you are looking to spend less maybe you could make a scrapbook with tons of old photos or do something along those lines. Just something small but special so she knows how much you care.

 

[Brit_Jude]

I think there are very different rules for bridesmaids in the UK compared to the US, here most Brides pay for all dresses, shoes, accessories and most other expenses for BMs so a gift would definitely be in order.

However I think one of the earlier suggestions of going in together with other BMs for a gift is a good idea. Plus as a dear friend the bride would understand that you have spent a lot of ££ and a token gift or something which is really personal or handmade but doesn't cost a lot can really mean a lot.

It wasn't till I moved to the US and some people at work were in weddings that I found out that it was more common for the bridesmaids to pay for their own outfits, hair, make up etc. This is very different from the UK I agree. I personnally feel that you should not put a financial burden on your wedding party if possible it should be part of the bride and grooms wedding budget.

However back to a gift - agree something inexpensive and personnal like the scrap book, a CD of music that is special to both of you or maybe something practical she can use while getting ready, what how about a bottle of wine/bubbly and a peronalized glasses for a relaxer while you all get ready with a nice note.

 

[Princess_Pris85]

Hello everyone! Thank you for your responses. I probably will end up getting the bride something - small like you all suggested. She is asking for a $600 vacuum cleaner and $300 mixer...but I'll find something more personal and cute to give her. Her other bridesmaids are her sisters who I've met before, but am not close to. I'm the only "friend" serving as a bridesmaid. I guess when I accepted being a bridesmaid (and it really was very sweet of her to include me and I did feel honored) I was under the impression that she'd cover hair or makeup or something. She recently told me we're completely on our own - we can choose the hairstyle we want, but we have to get it done with her hair lady. I may tell her that since I'm driving quite a bit of a distance (with a rental car since I don't own one) that I'll get everything done by me, that way I can get her a decent gift.

 

[MsEsty]

I was under the impression that she'd cover hair or makeup or something. She recently told me we're completely on our own - we can choose the hairstyle we want, but we have to get it done with her hair lady. I may tell her that since I'm driving quite a bit of a distance (with a rental car since I don't own one) that I'll get everything done by me, that way I can get her a decent gift.

Yeah...

While my two girls are getting their own dresses and shoes (I also worked with them to find really cheap things they wouldn't mind using again), I'm covering their hair and makeup. I think you have every right to say that you'll get your hair done on your own time/dime since you are paying for it anyway.

 

[Bride-to-be]

I disagree with Kerry, only because I think a lot of brides like for their bridesmaids to have consistant looks. For some brides they would prefer your hair to be perfect in all of their pictures over getting a gift. I would just casually ask her and see how she feels.

One of my sisters bridesmaids said she wanted to do her own hair and my sister got sooo upset over it and nearly unasked the girl.

Just be careful and remember how stressed out brides can be.

 

[pixie921]

I disagree with Kerry, only because I think a lot of brides like for their bridesmaids to have consistant looks. For some brides they would prefer your hair to be perfect in all of their pictures over getting a gift. I would just casually ask her and see how she feels.

One of my sisters bridesmaids said she wanted to do her own hair and my sister got sooo upset over it and nearly unasked the girl.

Just be careful and remember how stressed out brides can be.

I have to respectfully disagree.

I think that's more than stress ... it's verging on "Bridezilla". I don't see how a bride can demand that her bridesmaids use a certain person or service for hair or makeup, especially if the bride expects the BMs to pay for it. That's an incredibly personal thing, and a bride should want her BMs to be comfortable.

For my wedding, I did pick out a dress for my attendants to wear (they paid for their dresses and shoes) and also gave them matching hairpieces (hey, we were barely out of the 80's, LOL) but they had complete freedom to wear them any way they liked. I also did my own hair and makeup.

When my best friend got married, I paid for my own dress and shoes (she gave us matching Swarovski jewelry to wear). I also paid for all of my son's attire (he was her ring bearer). She told us she'd made appointments for us to have our hair and makeup done at her salon the day of, but again, we were expected to pay. I told her no way -- there's only one girl who could ever do my hair right, and I was having her do it (and would have insisted, even if my BF had offered to pay for our salon services). My BF was not happy, but she dealt with it. I also did my own makeup and when I showed up at her house, she gave me the thumbs-up, so it was all good.

For the rest of the wedding-related stuff, my BMs did not throw me a shower and my BF didn't even come to the one I did have. I did throw her a shower when I was her matron of honor. And we both gave each other wedding gifts. Maybe we're just weird, LOL.

 

[Princess_Pris85]

herein lies the dilemma - seems like whichever way you go you might appear rude or something to that effect. i'll talk to the bride - i mean she might be stressed, but I hope she'll understand - I mean we're friends after all. thanks for your thoughts everyone!

 

[pixie921]

herein lies the dilemma - seems like whichever way you go you might appear rude or something to that effect. i'll talk to the bride - i mean she might be stressed, but I hope she'll understand - I mean we're friends after all. thanks for your thoughts everyone!

So true! You're being smart in just being up front with the bride.

Weddings are so much fun, but can also be very stressful for everyone involved when it comes to different expectations. It seems no matter what you do, you can't please everyone and feelings inevitably end up hurt. Talking to your friend will hopefully minimize any potential hard feelings for both of you. Good luck!

 

[msteddom]

I've never been a bride, but I have been a bride's maid several times. I think that with the exception of the dress and shoes, the bride cannot demand that you do something a certain way unless she will be covering the cost.

Melissa

 

[Pooh's Corner]

The last wedding I was a BM in was one of my best friends in the world. Instead of getting her a gift (as I also had to buy a $150 dress, shoes and pay for hair and makeup) I made her a memory shadow box of wedding memories for her birthday a few months later. I pressed flowers from out of my boquet, a rose from the cake and ribbons from various places, as well as her invitation and program. I think that made it more special that not only had I made it but had saved the things to do it with. (And waiting a few months made it affordable!!)

 

[sunset30]

I am a UK bride, and I am NOT paying for my MoH dress.
I would like to emphasise that this is ONLY because I have said that she can wear whatever she wants. if I were specifying, then I would expect to pay for it, and shoes etc. (My partner is buying the shirt for the Best Man, as he wants them to match, so he is specifying, adn we wouldn't expect anyone to be out of pocket to wear something WE ask them to).

We have bought her a gift for her help with our wedding (pearl and silver earrings) and have specifically asked ALL ur guests to NOT give us gifts as they will be a pain to carry in luggage for them and us. We have instead suggested that people may like to e mail us photos they took on the day.
L

 

[89mj88]

i will probably end up paying for the bridesmaids dresses. there is only 3 i need to take of . and plus i want a specific kind of dress....my colors are a deep red,a deep orange, and a deep yellow. fall colors what do u guys think of each bridesmaids wearing one of the colors? idk yet