breaking up

[Disney Doll]

I wish you well.
Keep your eyes open. Stay alert so you don't fall into the ame routine of "tiptoeing" around him.
Remember that you are as important in the relationship as he is.

 

[famofsix]

Just do us a favor...Do your disney trip with your friend if she can go since you asked her. Give it time to see if the relationship with BF is any different. One hint of your old "eggshells" experience and high tail it out of that relationship I see that you want to be with him, but be very careful. I am sorry to be skeptical but I just encourage you not to settle for anyone but the best...find out if he is the one that loves you and accepts you for who you are. If you have to change to be around him or he has to change to be around you than BEWARE...

 

[Magickndm]

No one has to make some one happy. Each person is responsible for his/her own happiness. It's an unfair burden to expect someone else to make us happy.

When the two parties are content with themselves, then being together is just a compliment.

I couldn't agree with this statement more!

 

[deelam]

FYI...just in case anyone ever needs it.

I read that the best way to get over a breakup is to remove his things, leave no trace of him in your house, including pictures.

Dis-me, I hope it works for you. Just please don't let your self become a door mat. Stand tall. If things upset him, so what? If he loves you he will get over it. Trust me, you need to be strong.

 

[LBelle]

Just do us a favor...Do your disney trip with your friend if she can go since you asked her. Give it time to see if the relationship with BF is any different. One hint of your old "eggshells" experience and high tail it out of that relationship I see that you want to be with him, but be very careful. I am sorry to be skeptical but I just encourage you not to settle for anyone but the best...find out if he is the one that loves you and accepts you for who you are. If you have to change to be around him or he has to change to be around you than BEWARE...

Beautifully said!

You took the words right out of my mouth

 

[Jcricket Fan]

I wonder just what do you think will be different now?

Without understanding why you settle for walking on egg shells in a relationship and are attracted to a man who has treated you badly and on his part why his behaviors suit a relationship where someone will need to hold back their thoughts what are you thinking is going to change after a few days?

You admitted to us that you are not free to share your thoughts & feelings that might upset him. Why do you want to be in a relationship like this?

It has only been a few days since he left you, this is usually how the pattern works he will now look like he is working on being better to you but how long before you both revert to patterns you both know and live out?

I am someone who believes very much in therapy to understand why we do the things we do and how to learn not to do the things that cause us harm.

Please for your sake (he may never change and you can't do anything about that if that is what he chooses) get some therapy to understand why you would want to be with someone who you can't share your true thoughts and feelings with because if this relationship does break up you will without a doubt find yourself in another relationship that is simular to this one.

Please take care of yourself.

 

[VSL]

I just want to echo the sentiments of previous posters.

I'd really be wary of this guy though - sounds very controlling... and if he does not get a handle on it, his controlling will probably escalate. You should never, ever have to hol your opinion and feelings back or walk on eggshells around them (well, except in the most dire of circumstances). And no one who truly loves you would tell you not to speak your opinions or feelings. Remember:
'Those who mind don't matter, and those that matter don't mind' (Dr. Seuss)

 

[LBelle]

'Those who mind don't matter, and those that matter don't mind' (Dr. Seuss)

Now THIS is a fabulous quote!! I will be sure to remember this and pass it along to others.

 

[Kitty 34]

I'm sorry you have to go through this.

 

[schlepsnort]

If you can't speak your mind without retribution then he IS NOT the man for you!
Sometimes the person you WANT to be with isn't the person you SHOULD be with!
I dated a guy *for all intents and purposes* for several years. It was not healthy by any stretch of the imagination. He was vain, he told me what I could and could not do and he was just a pig in all ways swine. Out of the blue he dumped me. But the thing is, he dumped me and then kept calling me! Really mixed signals! So after a few days (I think 2) I got mad. I knew I was better than him, I could DO better than him so I also have this reallllly mean revenge streak in me.
First thing you do:
Find all things that were his, from him, about him, etc. Put it all in a big pile. Then find a large box. Also sharp scissors. As long as the item is not a pet (never blame the pet, they are too cute) proceed to shred all said items. I don't mean cut in half, I mean shred it until you can no longer recognize it's original form. Place all pieces (I went for the confetti size, including a sweatshirt) into the large box. Affix mailing label and ship it to his home or WORK (even better!). It's worth the few bucks, trust me.
Second: If the Dumb A$$ was stupid enough to get an American Express card in his name but you are an approved user with your card. Go shopping. I know it's really mean and he will be stuck with a bill that he may go after you for, but if he's really just a spineless jerk then you may get away with it. I did. I felt bad for about 3 seconds afterwards and then I remembered what he did to me, and then I put down a deposit on my newly used car...Don't flame me for it, I was 21 and angry and had a no limit credit card..what's a girl to do?
I then proceeded to shred the card and mail it back to him. You know what he did? Paid the payment and did nothing. It's actually still on my credit report as a good standing item.
Then I went out with friends, I ignored his calls. The one night he showed up at my doorstep I didn't let him in. I took my puppy for a walk, he showed up, I let the puppy pee on his shoes...and did not apologize for it.
When someone denies you the pleasure of being yourself and being able to speak your mind then they don't deserve you.
I gave him one chance, he blew it and I know, THEY NEVER CHANGE. Once a bu**head, always a bu**head.

So here I am ,7 years later, married to a great guy who always lets me speak my mind even if it makes NO SENSE and is willing to let me be who I need and want to be. I look back at DorkBoy and wonder what I was thinking and THANK Goodness I got that loser out of my system.
My best friend jokes that for a few years I would just keep trading up my boyfriends until I got my DH, the top of the line.
So as much as you think you 'want' this guy, really think if it's worthwhile to lose yourself in the relationship?
And then invest in a really good pair of scissors...

 

[famofsix]

If you can't speak your mind without retribution then he IS NOT the man for you!
Sometimes the person you WANT to be with isn't the person you SHOULD be with!

First thing you do:
Find all things that were his, from him, about him, etc. Put it all in a big pile. Then find a large box. Also sharp scissors. As long as the item is not a pet (never blame the pet, they are too cute) proceed to shred all said items. I don't mean cut in half, I mean shred it until you can no longer recognize it's original form. Place all pieces (I went for the confetti size, including a sweatshirt) into the large box. Affix mailing label and ship it to his home or WORK (even better!). It's worth the few bucks, trust me.
Second: If the Dumb A$$ was stupid enough to get an American Express card in his name but you are an approved user with your card. Go shopping. I know it's really mean and he will be stuck with a bill that he may go after you for, but if he's really just a spineless jerk then you may get away with it. I did. I felt bad for about 3 seconds afterwards and then I remembered what he did to me, and then I put down a deposit on my newly used car...Don't flame me for it, I was 21 and angry and had a no limit credit card..what's a girl to do?.....
And then invest in a really good pair of scissors...

I agree you should be able to be yourself in a relationship....However, if you decide to end this relationship I would get rid of the stuff by doing whatever you want with it but I would leave out the part of mailing it to BF and running up the credit card. This in your face approach smells like bitterness and resentment...you can end a relationship with your dignity still intact. I am not flaming you, schlepsnort, I just think OP would be on her way to healing faster if she leaves BF out of the item purging. And her BF may not be so "nice" about the credit card reaction as your X. Anyhow, sounds like OP still has BF around....

 

[Astryd]

Oh boy...I feel for you.

I remember those days of having a long-term BF & then boom! They're gone.

I dated a guy for about 1.5 years. We got along nicely, always had a good time together. We weren't engaged, but had spent the last 2 months of our relationship looking at houses on the weekend for when we got married, so I assumed that it was a matter of time. Then his sister got engaged after dating a guy for a short while, and everyone was like "When are you 2 going to get engaged?" to ex-BF & I. I think it scared the crap out of him, so he broke up with me.

Devastating. Like you've been kicked in the gut...

I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't get through the day without crying. Kept imagining all the things that wouldn't happen...we wouldn't be living in the cute little red house we saw, we wouldn't be travelling across the country in an RV together and so on. We had made plans, and suddenly, they were gone.

What did I do? I worked like a dog. I am a nurse, so my job requires a fair amount of concentration and involvement, and if you are concentrating on not killing people, you can't think of much else. I called on my friends to help me through it. We did things, went places, kept busy. I willed myself not to wallow too much in the break-up...and you can do it. You can't control your feelings, but you can control your reaction to them.

Slowly, I was able to be far enough "away" from the relationship to realize that it wasn't as perfect as I had thought. I began to examine things about the relationship, and realized that I had not been #1 in his life...his friends and the volunteer fire dept. were. I realized that I expended a lot more effort on the relationship than he did. I realized that I walked on eggshells so as to not get him angry at me because then he might do the unthinkable and break up with me.

And then you know what? I realized that while he was probably my first "love" he wouldn't be my best one. He was an important one, because I was able to analyze what was good and bad in the relationship, which allowed me to know what I wanted from a partner. I wanted a partner who put me first. I wanted a partner who contributed equally to the relationship in terms of commitment to making it work. I wanted a partner I could trust to stay by my side when things were bad or hard or we were fighting or one of us was sick. I didn't want to be the one always tiptoeing around to make sure everything was always nicey-nice and he was happy.

I wanted a life partner, somoone as committed to our relationship as I would be.

And you know what? I found him. It took a while. I didn't date for a while after the break up, because I was interested in working on me without any "interference" from anyone else. Then I went on a few dates with a few different types of guys...nice, every one of them, and from each of them I learned things too.

It was probably about 1.5 years after the break-up that I met DH, took things very slowly with him, we dated, we courted, we got to know each other. He told me he loved me. I couldn't quite say it back at that time, and I was honest with him about it. He understood. He was patient and committed and one day I realized that I had probably loved him all along, and my fear was the last vestiges of the hurt from the past relationship.

DH & I are going on 15 years married, 18 years together. Am I glad about the hurt and pain caused by the other break-up? Of course I am, because it got me what I have now, which is my true partner.

So use your grief wisely...it is a gift you have been given, even if you don't feel that way right now.

If it is meant to be with this man, it will be. If it is not, then what is meant to be will be. The Universe always unfolds as it should.

Come here to your DIS friends whenever you need to. PM me whenever you need to.

This is an awesome post, great advice for anyone.

I have always loved your insightful posts DinseyDoll.

 

[TheBellhop]

Hi. I wanted to come on here and update you all.

We are working through things. But (and I honestly mean this) if it hadn't been for some of the fantastic advice on here I would've gone back a weaker person.

From all this advice I am stronger, happier and used my time away from him wisely to do a lot of mature thinking rather than just crying. I now realise I don't want to be with him because I NEED him, but because I WANT him.

That's a much nicer way to feel

You're gonna go back to him?

 

[dis-me]

Thank you to everyone for your advice. I think I made it sound bad when I said I walked on egg-shells. I did so because I was scared to lose him - not because he'd ever indicated that I WOULD lose him if I spoke my mind...
In fact when we sat down to talk he said he wished we could talk about our feelings more than we do, instead of just getting angry.

I'm sorry if I misled anyone to believe I trod carefully because he made me feel like that. I did it because I didn't want to upset him - but never had any evidence it would upset him. My mistake I guess really

 

[mickeyfan1]

You're gonna go back to him?

She already did. I think she is going to need to reread all the advise again, but maybe not.

 

[TheBellhop]

She already did. I think she is going to need to reread all the advise again, but maybe not.

-sigh- It was really helpful advice.

 

[momrek06]

DIS-ME:

Good Luck to you! Just always remember that if there is ever a time you are with your BF and you are second guessing anything...just come back on the DIS Boards and re-read all the advice everyone has given you here. And if it is communication skills that are lacking (as you mentioned in a previous post) with you and BF, then make that a priority in your relationship and spend more time talking to each other.

 

[chell]

If he gets angry so easy you still need to rethink getting back together. I have been there, as have many other DISers, and it is never a pretty picture. Anger issues rarely ever go away or get better. Over time they only get worse. don't think you can change him in any way because you can't. I'm not trying to be rude just trying to save you some of the heartache that could be in your future. Life is too short to not be with someone who loves you and cherishes you completely. You should never settle for less.

 

[WDWfor5]

Just wanted to offer a different perspective. My DM is also not one who handles criticism well and I was raised to "walk on eggshells". I continued to do this with my DH until I realized I wasn't really afraid of him but rather was so used to having to keep things to myself that I just kept doing it.

It actually was / is an ongoing source of conflict between my DH & I since I will often agree with him on something to "keep the peace" and he thinks I agree with him and then down the road it comes out that I never agreed in the first place but didn't want to say anything ( I guess I kept hoping he'd learn to read my mind). We've pretty much worked it out now and we've been married for almost 12 years, but it really is only my issue and not that my DH is controlling at all. It just makes him angry when he doesn't find out what I thought until it's too late.

Anyway, this may or may not be some of the issues DIS-ME is having but I thought I'd share.

TO DIS-ME: I hope things work out for you and that you get what makes you happiest.

 

[dis-me]

Just wanted to offer a different perspective. My DM is also not one who handles criticism well and I was raised to "walk on eggshells". I continued to do this with my DH until I realized I wasn't really afraid of him but rather was so used to having to keep things to myself that I just kept doing it.

It actually was / is an ongoing source of conflict between my DH & I since I will often agree with him on something to "keep the peace" and he thinks I agree with him and then down the road it comes out that I never agreed in the first place but didn't want to say anything ( I guess I kept hoping he'd learn to read my mind). We've pretty much worked it out now and we've been married for almost 12 years, but it really is only my issue and not that my DH is controlling at all. It just makes him angry when he doesn't find out what I thought until it's too late.

Anyway, this may or may not be some of the issues DIS-ME is having but I thought I'd share.

TO DIS-ME: I hope things work out for you and that you get what makes you happiest.

WDWfor5. - you have summed up my situation perfectly. I was raised just like that and that is why I still feel I have to do it. Thanks for understanding