Boy in Kindergarden bothering grandaughter

[Robindianne]

What to do? My grandaughter is in Kindergarden. There is a boy in her class that will not leave her alone. He bothers her every day and teacher does nothing. My DIL has sent several notes to teacher and no response. this boy pulls her hair, has put glue in her hair, tried to cut her hair and now in class he pulled her shirt up! The teacher has done nothing. My DIL says the kid in a monster and she has seen him uncontrolable. what choices do we have? the school siad we can have her moved to another class. NO she has friends in that class just not this boy, shouldn't he be moved. any advice?

I'm a teacher. My tip: play the "bully" card. Schools are getting afraid of being sued over bullying. Most states have laws about requiring schools to have anti-bullying programs (even at K level) and if you throw the word "bully" around, you might get some help. Also use words like sexual harassment and hostile learning environment for your GD. She has a right to a safe education and that right is being messed with.

 

[Liberty Belle]

It's possible the teacher can't do anything. If he is a special needs stupid with an IEP or other type of plan, they may not be able to do anything.

It stinks for the other kids. My dd was being harrased in kinder by a boy that was special needs, the teacher did what she could but there wasn't much that could be done. So I demanded they were not in class again the following year and my request was allowed.

Excuse me?

 

[LaughingSphinx]

But, especially at this age, it can be SO TRUE. Decades ago this boy might have been putting her pigtails in the inkwell. It might just be his way of getting her attention, but because he's just a little kid he doesn't know what the heck he is doing.

I've watched this awkward stuff between my son and a few girls that he's in classes with at the Y. They are all the same age (6), they make googly eyes at each other (the girls to him, him to the girls), and do odd things (nothing of the OP's post's level, but they aren't in *school* class with each other) to get each other to notice the other.

When I was K age, I took a cooking class with my mom, and there was a boy who, I learned from my mom later, adored me. He used to chase me around and around the class. I didn't have fun, I didn't really understand. One day he took a turn too fast, fell, and broke his collarbone. That stopped it.

As I got older, in retrospect there were lots of "I don't know what to do with my being" moments as I liked boys and boys liked me. I once accidentally hit a large bag of skittles out of a boy's hands when we were in 7th grade...I adored the boy, but my hands just went out of control, and the skittles went everywhere. And he was then angry with me. (about a year later he did something similarly brainless when he said a "joke" that was actually an incredibly inappropriate thing as he and some of our classmates came over to my house to work on a project, and my mom heard, aughhhh so he got embarrassed about that one)

I remember being older in elementary school and avoiding wearing a bra (that I needed) b/c the way that boys showed they liked you was to snap your bra. (also how girls tortured each other)

Would I want my son to snap a bra, accidentally knock a bag of candy out of a hand, chase a kid around the room? No. [Of course that middle one was an accident when I did it, hard to keep from happening (oh I'm still embarrassed about that moment).]

But I'd also hate to think that some brainless things he might do from an innocent place might get him into huge trouble when he's just barely started school. (if he were to keep it up, yep, trouble, but not at the beginning!)


If a girl were doing these things to my son, I'd prefer to get to the bottom of it, instead of rushing to punish the kid or say bad things about her.

Even if its true, isn't it more important to teach him how to appropriately express his feelings instead of torturing her? This kind of event can leave lasting impressions; I have vivid memories of first-grade experiences and one playground incident which has actually left emotional scars I'm still dealing with.

OP's GDD cannot and should not be encouraged to think "he's being mean to me because he likes me" and think that's an acceptable way to express liking. Just think how that could translate for her as she gets older!

 

[abdmom]

I'm a teacher. My tip: play the "bully" card. Schools are getting afraid of being sued over bullying. Most states have laws about requiring schools to have anti-bullying programs (even at K level) and if you throw the word "bully" around, you might get some help. Also use words like sexual harassment and hostile learning environment for your GD. She has a right to a safe education and that right is being messed with.

Totally agree! Also, by note, do you mean email? Notes get lost. Email doesn't. You need to leave a paper trail. Written notes are not the way to get the teacher's attention. Email is.

 

[agnes!]

Document, document, document. Make sure you CC principal, teacher and counselor.

Request a meeting with the principal, teacher and counselor. Do not just have a meeting with the teacher alone. You need to have a witness and a resolution.

You have tried contacting her with no response now you need back up.

^^^THIS. ALso, I would strongly suggest that your DH go to all meetings about the situation and that he wear a suit. Seriously.

If I were you, I would call the school. Ask to speak to the principal. Have the mother explain her concerns and the lack of response from the teacher. Ask to set up a face to face meeting with both the principal and the teacher.

To let you know, they will be unable to disclose any information about other discipline problems or how they have handled the situation. It may be that the child is indeed being punished, but the school is legally not allowed to disclose that.

I hate to say it, but the chances are slim that they will move that student to another class. At least where I am, we are unable to move students because another student has a problem with them. In that situation, the student that has the problem has to be moved. Ask them about moving her desk so that she is nowhere near the student. Do they have assigned line spots and carpet spots? Ask that she be as far as possible from him in those as well.

...

The key is to go in as factual as possible. Try not to get emotional and try not to start accusing as that will put the teacher and principal on the defensive. As much as possible you want them on your side. It will help if you can document specific incidents and when they occur. ...

Sorry for the long winded response. As a teacher, I have been on the other side of these types of things. Often there is a lot going on behind the scenes the parents are unaware of. If you have any questions, I'd be happy to try to answer them.

This - factual, leave the emotion at home, document.

I will keep you all informed but I should mention the teacher does know some of what is going on even if she did not get all the notes but I am quite sure she did. But anyways she told the boy he was bad when he put glue in her hair. When we asked my GD if he was sent to the principals office she said NO. On halloween this boy was uncontrollable and ran down the hall and another teacher had to stop him. During the Christmas party he was so disruptive the teacher took him out into the hall way to talk with him (while his mother stood there and did nothing) I was so glad when my youngest gratuated last year that I would have no more dramma with school and its starting with my GD. Oh well keep warm tonight and I hope weather gets better everywhere.

I'm noticing a pattern here and it sounds like it's time to scale back on the parties(Halloween, Christmas), maybe the kid has a problem with sugar.

Unfortunately, teachers just have to endure out of control behavior. It takes a lot to get a student referred for special ed services. The guidelines handed dwon by the government makes it very hard to qualify kids, and behavioral diagnoses are some of the hardest to get. I had to fight for over a year to get a student in my class in a behavioral school. Believe me, it was not for lack of trying.

If you could see some of the things that schools are forced to put up with today, you would be absolutely shocked. I will say that when I student taught, I never saw behavior close to what I see at my current school. I'm sure a big part of it is the urban population. But it's sad the power one student can have over an entire class and the school's hands are tied.

Good luck. Hopefully your meeting goes well and this situation will be resolved.

Yeah, it's sad isn't it? - what teachers and students and parents get to put up with.

...

Also, your DD needs to find out what, if anything, DGD is doing to encourage this boy's actions. In these scenarios, there are usually 2 sides to the story. If it were my child, the first question, I'd ask is "yes, Mickey is picking on you, but what are you doing to him to make him pick on you?"

Y'know what?... sometimes just breathing is enough to set some people off. And did you really mean to imply that an abusee is just 'asking for it' from their abuser?

agnes!

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I'm a teacher. My tip: play the "bully" card. Schools are getting afraid of being sued over bullying. Most states have laws about requiring schools to have anti-bullying programs (even at K level) and if you throw the word "bully" around, you might get some help. Also use words like sexual harassment and hostile learning environment for your GD. She has a right to a safe education and that right is being messed with.

This is very true. However I would have already been up at that school. I also would have told my kid to fight back. My kids know that if they are sticking up for themselves or each other they will never be punished by us.

 

[jfranklyn]

I agree with the previous poster, who talked about the "B" word. "Bullying". You must use it, as in "My daughter is being bullied, and I want it stopped!". Try and keep the emotion out of it, be firm and determined. I'm usually a very mild mannered quiet person. But I had to do this once for my daughter in 4th grade, and there was a quick, appropriate reaction because I used that "B" word.

I've seen a few kids like the one you described through the years. Sometimes they get better, and learn to contain all that extra "energy". But sometimes they don't, and they turn into very troubled individuals.

But your job is not to judge. Your job is to protect your grandaughter. Insist that she be moved away from this boy, and that a "hands off" policy (which most schools have now) be enforced.

 

[java]

In our state the magic words are
"This child's actions are negatively impacting my child's ability to get an education"

Best of luck to your daughter and her fight with the school. I hope they take it seriously now.

 

[design_mom]

I am sorry you are dealing with this. We dealt with a bully in first grade.

I agree with several things other posters said:
1) document everything -- dates, times, what happened, what you did about it
2) I would call the office and ask for the teacher to return your call. If you get to leave her a voicemail (our teachers have voicemail), I would mention the notes you have sent. Perhaps she didn't get them, but let her know that you need to speak with her about this situation right away or you plan to escalate it.
3) If necessary, escalate it. In my case, the bullying child was in another class and the bullying was taking place on the playground. I started with my child's classroom teacher and she suggested we escalate it.
4) This does sound like bullying... but since it's happening in the classroom "negatively impacting my child's ability to get an education" sounds like a great way to go.

Our issue (bullied on the playground) was escalated all the way up to the principal, but I'll tell you that it wasn't solved to my satisfaction until after my son hauled off and hit the kid back. I do not condone violence and never suggested it as a solution to my son... but "a fight on the playground" is taken much more seriously than complaints that one boy is intimidating, pushing, hitting, and telling another kid where he can/cannot play.

At any rate, my son was not disciplined for his part in the fight -- and I think it's mainly because I had documented the problem and escalated it. I was able to say "my son did all the things you told him to do," and you still couldn't take care of the issue and *this* is what happened.

The kids are in 4th grade now, and there's been an "uneasy truce" since then. But the kids family moved out of the district shortly before Christmas. Whoo-hoo!

 

[Agri]

After reading through all of this I have a few comments. lol

1.) Has the mother bothered to talk to the teacher directly, person to person?

2.) I would move my child in a heartbeat if their teacher wasn't keeping an eye on the class to the extent that all of this was going on. Whether they had friends in the first class or not - how can my child learn if this behavior is acceptable to the teacher? (And YES, there are bad teachers out there.)

3.) As to the comment about this behavior being provoked and then the question "Does this mean someone being abused is asking for it?" UGH.

Yes behavior can be provoked by someone else and that does not translate into an abused child "asking for it." I've seen it *often* in the classroom. A so-called "quiet" kid who is sitting near a "loud" kid. The quiet kid is sneaky and eggs on the louder kid - guess who almost always gets in trouble? That's right, the loud kid. And yes, kids are devious and they know what they are doing. The quiet kid isn't about to speak up and get in trouble, too. It becomes a 'game' to the quiet kid. The loud kid gets tired of it and retaliates, knowing that they will get in trouble but no longer caring since they *always* get in trouble. I am NOT saying this is the case here, but it *does* happen.

And no, that does not translate into an abused child asking for the abuse.

 

[*BTMRR*]

We had a similar situation with our son in early elementary. He was being bothered mercilessly day after day by another student, pushed to the ground, mocked, and was even told by that student to "go kill himself." Teacher was fully aware; none of this was in doubt at all. We had multiple meetings. Little could be done (teacher said "my hands are tied") because of student's special needs plan. My son was told that he should be a good friend to that student because that student had problems and needed good role models. It was bad.
We ended up moving to a new school mid school year.

I hope your granddaughter's situation will be easier to solve.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

If someone pulled my kid's hair, I'd instruct them to strike back. That is all you can do if the teacher is no help. She needs to learn to defend herself..

I disagree. School is like football. The person that retaliates in a fight is usually the one that gets in trouble.

 

[luvmy3]

You wouldn't like me very much. I have told my kids that is they are bothered and they tell the teacher and the teacher doesn't do anything, well then I have told them to "take the kid out" I don't and won't put up with any type of harassment and I have told my kids that if they get into trouble and they will, that I will inform the school that they didn't do their job and that my child won't be in trouble at home and if suspended, well then we will just take them to WDW for the day. Sorry, but if the schools won't do their job, then I will take care of it for them.

ITA, if the school isn't willing to step and help then my children have MY permission to do what it takes to get any physical abuse to stop. My 7yr old had to defend himself on the bus. A known bully tried to punch him but because of my ds's martial arts training he blocked the punch and punched back. It was second nature for him to do that since that is what he is taught to do in that scenario. He came home so upset and when I asked if he told the bus driver what happened he broke down and thought he was in big trouble. I gave him a hug and assured him he did the right thing and no matter what the school says it is always right to defend yourself if you have no other choice.

It's possible the teacher can't do anything. If he is a special needs stupid with an IEP or other type of plan, they may not be able to do anything.

It stinks for the other kids. My dd was being harrased in kinder by a boy that was special needs, the teacher did what she could but there wasn't much that could be done. So I demanded they were not in class again the following year and my request was allowed.

I agree (except with what I hope is a typo). We had a neighbor who was allowed to get away with so much because he was a special ed student. Luckily he is no longer a student in our school, he was moved to a school with a self contained classroom after he attacked a teacher. Sad thing is it should have happened long before, like when he pushed another neighbor girl out of the way to get on the bus and she smashed her head on the open door. You would have thought that the boy would be removed from the bus permanently (was not the first violent incident on the bus) but of course he wasn't. Anyway I'm rambling, its just sad for the other students that it works this way.

OP, whether or not the boy in your situation is spec. ed or not I hope the problem is resolved quickly for your DGD.

 

[BriarfoxinWA]

I disagree. School is like football. The person that retaliates in a fight is usually the one that gets in trouble.

Ain't that the truth When my younger DS was in 5th and 6th grade he had a terrible time with being picked on and bullied. We had told him for years to fight back. Well he started to do that in 6th grade. He got 3 day suspensions twice. My dad and I repeatedly met with the principal and DS would report which kids were bullying him. Nothing was done and he was always the only one to be punished. The second time he was playing flag football and one of the kids punched him. He threw the football straight at the other kids face... and he got caught. The other kid got nothing and mine got suspended. When he got into 7th grade there was a different principal and once she was made aware of what was going on... it never happened again.

 

[Liberty Belle]

After reading through all of this I have a few comments. lol

1.) Has the mother bothered to talk to the teacher directly, person to person?

2.) I would move my child in a heartbeat if their teacher wasn't keeping an eye on the class to the extent that all of this was going on. Whether they had friends in the first class or not - how can my child learn if this behavior is acceptable to the teacher? (And YES, there are bad teachers out there.)

3.) As to the comment about this behavior being provoked and then the question "Does this mean someone being abused is asking for it?" UGH.

Yes behavior can be provoked by someone else and that does not translate into an abused child "asking for it." I've seen it *often* in the classroom. A so-called "quiet" kid who is sitting near a "loud" kid. The quiet kid is sneaky and eggs on the louder kid - guess who almost always gets in trouble? That's right, the loud kid. And yes, kids are devious and they know what they are doing. The quiet kid isn't about to speak up and get in trouble, too. It becomes a 'game' to the quiet kid. The loud kid gets tired of it and retaliates, knowing that they will get in trouble but no longer caring since they *always* get in trouble. I am NOT saying this is the case here, but it *does* happen.

And no, that does not translate into an abused child asking for the abuse.

That has happened to my son. He has ADHD, anxiety, and SID. Things bother him more than they would someone without these disorders. He's a smart, funny, very kind-hearted child, but some kids know he gets in trouble easily and they like to help cause it.

For example, one little boy would repeatedly tap his pencil next to my son. My son would ask him to quit and the boy would keep it up. The next thing you know, my son is yelling at him or grabbing his pencil (or hand to get the pencil) and my son gets in trouble. Yes, my son should tell the teacher, but given his disorders, it's difficult for him to perform that step and not just try and stop it himself.

That's why I say the mother should meet with the teacher face to face to get the whole picture.

 

[ozarkmom]

I'm a teacher. My tip: play the "bully" card. Schools are getting afraid of being sued over bullying. Most states have laws about requiring schools to have anti-bullying programs (even at K level) and if you throw the word "bully" around, you might get some help. Also use words like sexual harassment and hostile learning environment for your GD. She has a right to a safe education and that right is being messed with.

Not only the "bully" card but even at that age the shirt thing can be considered "sexual harrassment" two things schools don't want to be involved in!

 

[jking6]

UPDATE:
first thanks for the advice. My son and DIL had a meeting with the principal and teacher this morning. They could not tell them what was being done with the little boy except they were helping him and his family. A teacher's aid has been moved into the class to evaluate for at least 6 weeks, and according to my GD she spent most of the day with this boy. They will try to keep them apart from each other as much as possible. Hopefully this works

 

[Liberty Belle]

UPDATE:
first thanks for the advice. My son and DIL had a meeting with the principal and teacher this morning. They could not tell them what was being done with the little boy except they were helping him and his family. A teacher's aid has been moved into the class to evaluate for at least 6 weeks, and according to my GD she spent most of the day with this boy. They will try to keep them apart from each other as much as possible. Hopefully this works

Glad the little boy is getting help and I'm happy your granddaughter will find some relief from his behavior towards her.