Booking different room types for family members?

[ILoveMyKellen]

Yes, this back story is certainly coloring my response...

Honestly, after all that I wouldn't take that couple on any trip with me, regardless of the in-laws & kids. I would wait until the kids were independent young adults, then offer to vacation with them. I would invite the in-laws, and only the in-laws, now.

But I read your post and know you're going to take them. In that case, I would pay for only an oceanview for them for sure. Tell them in advance that you aren't going to pay the verandah premium for everyone in addition to giving the whole extended family a free Disney cruise, but they can pay you the upgrade price (get the money in advance) if they wish. Get this out of the way well before the cruise, so if they are disruptively angry about it, you can cancel without penalty.

Sorry that you have a couple of rank ingrates in your extended family.

This exactly ^^^

I’ve learned this the hard way because this is exactly how my family is. I don’t invite them to do anything anymore and now I enjoy/look forward to my vacations. I don’t feel guilty over not taking the children anymore either. I do however, bring the CHILDREN back cool souvenirs.

When I was paying for my family and they complained or got mad about every little thing, I felt like I had actually paid for them to treat me poorly and I ended up resenting them.

 

[aggiedog]

This isn't a cruise problem, this is a relationship problem. How do you maintain a relationship with someone you clearly never would want to be around in the first place if it weren't for family ties. They are obviously bitter, with long held grievances that will probably never get resolved (and may not be based in any reality you'd understand.) I agree that no matter what room you give them, they will complain. If you can live with that, then proceed with the trip and make a conscious decision to smile, nod, and ignore them whenever possible. Instead, enjoy time with the relatives you like. If the angst SIL will create will cause you to not enjoy your trip, then do NOT spend that kind of money to make memories for someone else. Find a way to make memories without the mental suffering.

I do NOT believe you need to get everyone the same room type. This isn't a steak dinner we're talking about, but the difference of $1,000's. That right there is the cost of excursions, etc. If you are footing the bill, you pay what you are comfortable paying (and quite honestly, I'd entertain fantasies to put SIL in the smallest inside they had, but wouldn't - they go low, you go high.) I'd be up front, too, about it. "We have XX room. You have YY room, I'm so glad you can come. If you feel like you'd like a different room, here's the number of our TA and you can discuss your options." I'd tell that to everyone you're paying for. If they complain they can't afford it, then honestly they couldn't have afforded the trip to begin with and anyone they complain to will know that. It would NEVER occur to me to complain about a free trip that a family member gave me. I would also warn your TA and possible buy him/her a bottle of wine for the aggravation.

I think a family cruise sounds wonderful, and I'm sorry it comes with this extra "baggage."

 

[Shanti]

This exactly ^^^

I’ve learned this the hard way because this is exactly how my family is. I don’t invite them to do anything anymore and now I enjoy/look forward to my vacations. I don’t feel guilty over not taking the children anymore either. I do however, bring the CHILDREN back cool souvenirs.

When I was paying for my family and they complained or got mad about every little thing, I felt like I had actually paid for them to treat me poorly and I ended up resenting them.

It's interesting how some people feel extended family always has to be involved with every vacation. I was just talking with a friend who said she and her husband prefer staying at home to vacationing, as vacations are too stressful. I asked why, and she talked about always having to route any trips through relatives' homes (not due to lack of money) & spending days with them that weren't always pleasant. I suggested to her that she skip the extended family portion of the trips and just go with her husband & son straight to & from a destinaton, and I could tell from her reaction that wasn't something she'd ever even considered. It's interesting how controlled some adults are by their families, to the point that they can't even let themselves enjoy an independent vacation in peace.

 

[lovingeire]

It's interesting how some people feel extended family always has to be involved with every vacation. I was just talking with a friend who said she and her husband prefer staying at home to vacationing, as vacations are too stressful. I asked why, and she talked about always having to route any trips through relatives' homes (not due to lack of money) & spending days with them that weren't always pleasant. I suggested to her that she skip the extended family portion of the trips and just go with her husband & son straight to & from a destinaton, and I could tell from her reaction that wasn't something she'd ever even considered. It's interesting how controlled some adults are by their families, to the point that they can't even let themselves enjoy an independent vacation in peace.

When I was growing up we did this a lot. My dad has a large extended family and we always seemed to be visiting so and so as part of our vacation. My mom has a very small family and did not necessarily enjoy this. Sometimes it was useful to cut costs down I'm sure, but there was a point where my mom put her foot down and said every vacation did not need to involve a {insert last name here}. At this point my parents were also doing better financially so it was a possibility.

That being said, we have either visited family for vacations (military family) or vacationed on our own for the most part. We have taken two trips with my in-laws as they have an RV. When we do we both end up frustrated that my MIL is controlling everything we do. But our kids love them, and we do too, so we have learned to say, hey we're going to do this so the kids have the experience. (Sometimes she doesn't want to pay for it or do something she may have done before again even though she did it with our older son.) We just tell them to hang out while we do it now. So we end up being happier with the vacation and our younger kids get the same experience our older one did.

We are taking our first vacation with my parents next summer. We are all sailing on the Fantasy for their 50th anniversary. My parents paid our deposit and we are paying the rest of our room. Our oldest will share a room with my brother (who is unmarried) and my parents have offered to pay for that room. My parents and I have verandah staterooms and my brother and my oldest have an inside stateroom. My oldest said, that's not fair. I told him when he had a job and could pay for it then he could buy himself a verandah, but there are only two of them so they should have plenty of space and can hang out in our room any time they want. And I know he gets it, but I feel like he was joking a little out of disappointment, but ultimately I know he is grateful to go as he's wanted to go on a Disney cruise for a long time.

I believe you don't look a gift horse in the mouth. You're being extremely generous to consider this, considering the history, and I agree with others that I would set expectations early and if they can't handle that then you can take the kids as young adults to experience it when mom and dad can stay home.

 

[a1tinkfans]

I think your offer is quite generous, and with no family issues.. I’d be booking rooms that worked for my cost plan, simple as that. Anyone can upgrade if they wanted.
In your case...
I wonder why anyone would surround themself with people, bil/sil in ur case.. that makes them miserable, and apparently disrespects them.
Allowing It...ingrains that behavior.. allows them to control you and I for one would not tolerate Nor allow it to effect me.. so I’d not include them at all.

I’d bring back souvies for the kiddos. I hope their children don’t grow up to be like their parents.

 

[Girl of the South]

I have done similar magnanimous (magnaniMOUSE?) gestures throughout my lifetime and I am about to have the following tattooed on my wrist because it is SO very true. In varying degrees but . . . .

"NO GOOD DEED GOES UNPUNISHED"

My dear mother took our family on five Disney cruises. My and my sister - with her husband and two charming grandkids. The first two were OK but as the boys got older, they spent more time in the clubs or exploring on their own. On the last cruise it was a stipulation that whatever happened during the day, dinner together, all of us, was non-negotiable. Except that it was. That was the LAST cruise we went on. Her husband was a pain in the butt, too.

Anyway, since you already know how this will turn out, I'd suggest not doing it. It just is not going to live up to your dreams, even the scaled back ones.

 

[darnheather]

If you really want to do this after all you've been through with these two yahoos then tell her you are willing to pay for an inside cabin and let her know what the price difference is for the upgrade. If she wants a balcony she can pay the upgrade.

 

[cwis]

I would say that even before making the initial reservation, there's so much stress with your booking that maybe you should consider having a chat with your SIL and explain your view, in words as simple as the one you used in this thread.

If she doesn't understand, then I would suggest you change your plans. You look like being lovely with your relatives, this should give you joy and pleasure, not frustration and pain.

 

[bumbershoot]

My SIL complained a LOT about how a ride the kids wanted to go on was closed (Aladdin's flying carpets) and therefore I "owed" them a trip back

Wowzers. Owed her a trip? Like you had given them some guarantee?

the play he wrote was essentially written about hating my husband and I.

WOW.


You’re not punishing your nieces/nephews by not taking them on a vacation. Not being brought on some other family’s vacation is not a hardship. Even if it’s close family members.

I’ve invited my cousins to stay Dvc with us, and we all went on a Disney Cruise together (each family paid for themselves and got the rooms their respective budgets allowed).

They live in FL and have since gone on several short Royal cruises and haven’t invited us. We have been on Royal cruises (and more Disney) and didn’t invite them.

No one is punishing the other family.

So get that thought out of your head.

You can't fix this you're not the ingrate whisperer.

Love it.

My best suggestion would be to first announce that you are treating everyone to a cruise, without mentioning the rooms. Then book the cruise with a travel agent whom you can talk with directly. Once rooms are booked, give all families the room information for their room only. If anyone asks about the room type, explain that if someone wants to upgrade the room, you are happy to get a cost quote from your travel agent so that the person upgrading can call the travel agent at the time of final payment to provide the additional amount.

Yes. If the OP must do it this is likely the best way.

Maybe book them separately so your booking doesn’t come up when the TA looks at theirs, so they don’t talk about YOUR booking with your in laws’. And make sure the TA understands to not talk about your business with others.

Maybe even set up a password with the TA so s/he knows it’s you, to talk about your booking.

(I started my online life while planning my wedding, and people do absolutely psycho things, like cancelling weddings of strangers, etc. Setting up passwords with vendors and TAs is what many people do when they have difficult family.)

 

[hcox31]

Someone earlier suggested taking your nieces/nephews for a graduation gift later when they're older for a graduation gift. I think that's a perfect compromise of being able to provide the children with an opportunity they may not be able to have otherwise, and avoiding the stresses of having to travel with ungrateful and selfish relatives. If you're spending thousands and thousands of dollars on a vacation, the last thing you should have to worry about is if you've pissed off your SIL. It should be stress/worry free.

 

[Canesfan3234]

@Auntof2 I am going to echo the rest of the thread here hoping that sheer volume of people posting with one voice might get through to you.

You aren't the bad person here. Your SIL is. You are the giving tree. She is the little boy. I know you love your in-laws and your nieces/nephews, but you shouldn't have this kind of anxiety about giving a gift to someone. The follow up posts just accentuate how that anxiety/stress inevitably spills over to the trip itself.

At some point you have to take a stand for yourself. Either have a come to Jesus conversation with your SIL and tell her that her kids are invited but not her and her husband due to previous behavior. Or you should just invite the in-laws and when she inevitably asks you why she wasn't invited, give her the same reasons. I know you feel bad making the kids suffer for the sins of their parents but you need to start thinking about is that as you are making the entire group of people going on the trip suffer for the sins of those two people by taking them.

My SIL complained a LOT about how a ride the kids wanted to go on was closed (Aladdin's flying carpets) and therefore I "owed" them a trip back (we went on Dumbo, so they essentially got the same experience). But what was worse was learning via Facebook that a play my BIL had written was being performed locally. We were surprised they didn't mention it, so arranged to go with my in-laws. Yeah...the play he wrote was essentially written about hating my husband and I.

This is so unbelievably over the line. This is proof that no matter what you do, they are going to find a way to hate you and make you miserable at every turn.

 

[Auntof2]

This is all very helpful and I'm glad I asked the question, as it's definitely brought up a lot of emotions from the prior Disney trip (and heck, the original beach trip we went on beforehand). I think it is a VERY good thing that I have discussed the possibility of this with no one except for my husband, as while I really do have good intentions, I think pretty much everyone is right that this will likely end up with me upset, the SIL/BIL being their usual nasty selves, etc. The kids are getting older (8 and 10) so I think the idea of the in-laws and the kids being invited on a trip when they are older may work - OR taking them as high school graduation presents. Love love love that suggestion. I'm going to table this and NOT bring this up to my MIL or SIL/BIL, as the drama is going to be there and is not going to be worth it. Thank you everyone, for the detailed responses and the gentle smack in the face that I am crazy to even consider going through another trip of any sort with them.

 

[Canesfan3234]

This is all very helpful and I'm glad I asked the question, as it's definitely brought up a lot of emotions from the prior Disney trip (and heck, the original beach trip we went on beforehand). I think it is a VERY good thing that I have discussed the possibility of this with no one except for my husband, as while I really do have good intentions, I think pretty much everyone is right that this will likely end up with me upset, the SIL/BIL being their usual nasty selves, etc. The kids are getting older (8 and 10) so I think the idea of the in-laws and the kids being invited on a trip when they are older may work - OR taking them as high school graduation presents. Love love love that suggestion. I'm going to table this and NOT bring this up to my MIL or SIL/BIL, as the drama is going to be there and is not going to be worth it. Thank you everyone, for the detailed responses and the gentle smack in the face that I am crazy to even consider going through another trip of any sort with them.

Good for you. IMO they are already old enough to go with your or the in-laws as a chaperone. But like you mentioned the SIL will veto it immediately for selfish reasons. Unfortunately this is going to be a long term issue that won't ever get better until the SIL gets a wake up call.

 

[dvcdisney]

This is all very helpful and I'm glad I asked the question, as it's definitely brought up a lot of emotions from the prior Disney trip (and heck, the original beach trip we went on beforehand). I think it is a VERY good thing that I have discussed the possibility of this with no one except for my husband, as while I really do have good intentions, I think pretty much everyone is right that this will likely end up with me upset, the SIL/BIL being their usual nasty selves, etc. The kids are getting older (8 and 10) so I think the idea of the in-laws and the kids being invited on a trip when they are older may work - OR taking them as high school graduation presents. Love love love that suggestion. I'm going to table this and NOT bring this up to my MIL or SIL/BIL, as the drama is going to be there and is not going to be worth it. Thank you everyone, for the detailed responses and the gentle smack in the face that I am crazy to even consider going through another trip of any sort with them.

I think you made the best choice based on the situation. As I mentioned on my post, I can understand wanting to bring the children to experience a Disney cruise. But don't feel bad if you don't. I also think that bringing them later on their own (as long as their parents are fine with it) is a good idea. You can share the experience with them without having to deal with your sister in law.

 

[ILoveMyKellen]

Thank you everyone, for the detailed responses and the gentle smack in the face that I am crazy to even consider going through another trip of any sort with them.

You are not crazy. You are a kind & generous person that deserves to be treated with respect.

 

[MomOTwins]

Putting on my armchair psychologist hat, I think it sounds like your SIL is embarrassed that they can't afford to take their kids on disney vacations, and resents you for giving her kids what she can't. It is obviously not your fault at all, but I do have some sympathy for your SIL. This was my dad growing up -- he had a wealthy brother and he felt humiliated when we would go on extended family vacations and my uncle would pay for his family to go to a fancy private beach and we would just go to the public one, or even when we'd go to play at the big playground near their house and he felt bad we didn't live in as nice a neighborhood. Of course, we didn't help because we were bratty kids always whining, as kids, do, why we couldn't have a pony at our birthday party like our cousin etc., which your SIL's kids might do to her too. I never knew as a kid how devastating it was to him to see his kids so much happier with what their uncle could provide than what he could, but of course as an adult I understand it now. Not excusing her bad behavior to you, but I do understand where her frustration is coming from.

That said, I will tell you that my personal experience with this is that we were planning on inviting my in-laws on a cruise on our dime so I had a similar decision. It turned out the dates did not work for them, but by that point I had pretty firmly decided that we would either get them a verandah too, or downgrade the both of us to oceanview. It just did not sit with me well to say to myself that it was worth it spend x hundred dollars on a balcony for me, but my in-laws could do without. To me, the analogy would be going to Disney World and booking a hotel room for myself at a deluxe resort, but a value resort for the guests. Yes, you could save a lot of money, and yes, they are still getting a nice vacation for free, but I was always taught you treat a guest the same or better as yourself and that if you can't afford equal treatment, don't offer to host.

 

[Canesfan3234]

That said, I will tell you that my personal experience with this is that we were planning on inviting my in-laws on a cruise on our dime so I had a similar decision. It turned out the dates did not work for them, but by that point I had pretty firmly decided that we would either get them a verandah too, or downgrade the both of us to oceanview. It just did not sit with me well to say to myself that it was worth it spend x hundred dollars on a balcony for me, but my in-laws could do without. To me, the analogy would be going to Disney World and booking a hotel room for myself at a deluxe resort, but a value resort for the guests. Yes, you could save a lot of money, and yes, they are still getting a nice vacation for free, but I was always taught you treat a guest the same or better as yourself and that if you can't afford equal treatment, don't offer to host.

Going to slightly disagree here. I agree with the sentiment of treating your guest the same as you treat yourself, but this is a slightly different scenario. Your Deluxe/Moderate example doesn't really apply because that is a location separation. Here they would all be on the same boat. One person just has a room with a balcony, the other doesn't. She also says she wants the balcony for herself because she gets claustrophobic. She also has the ability of sharing that balcony and inviting the SIL and BIL for drinks on the verandah to make that gap less.

Just saying that there are situations where it is acceptable to differentiate yourself from your guest.

 

[dvcdisney]

That said, I will tell you that my personal experience with this is that we were planning on inviting my in-laws on a cruise on our dime so I had a similar decision. It turned out the dates did not work for them, but by that point I had pretty firmly decided that we would either get them a verandah too, or downgrade the both of us to oceanview. It just did not sit with me well to say to myself that it was worth it spend x hundred dollars on a balcony for me, but my in-laws could do without. To me, the analogy would be going to Disney World and booking a hotel room for myself at a deluxe resort, but a value resort for the guests. Yes, you could save a lot of money, and yes, they are still getting a nice vacation for free, but I was always taught you treat a guest the same or better as yourself and that if you can't afford equal treatment, don't offer to host.

I completely understand what your saying, but I somewhat disagree that if you invite someone on a cruise, that you should book the same category for everyone. In using your analogy, I would think booking someone in a different category room would be more like booking myself in a 1 bedroom while booking them in a studio. We would be in the same resort, but different size room. We would enjoy the same ship amenities but they would have an Oceanview room and I would have a Verandah room. And in this case, I would feel that I would am not treating the family member poorly by putting them in a Oceanview vs a verandah especially since it would be more costly for me. I think the fact that I invited them on the cruise was a nice gesture that shouldn't have any expectations other perhaps having staterooms close to each other for convenience. If my family member, who I had invited mentioned anything about having a different category stateroom, I would first be shocked and, then likely suggest that perhaps we can do this another time when I can offer a better option for them.

Now, the first time we invited family members was a few years ago and we did mention that we would like to invite them if they are willing to have an Inside Room and mentioned that we would be upgrading to an Oceanview room for the space. They jumped at the invitation and mentioned that they would not need anything larger than an Inside room since that is what they usually book on our cruise lines. I did suggest that they can upgrade, but they said there was no need.

The second time we did it was a family reunion and, although one person was paying, we all chose different staterooms. Those who wanted to upgrade, paid for the upgrade. No real issue.

However, I do agree with you that there seems to be some type of jealously. But just because her sister in law may have those feelings, it doesn't give her the right to belittle the OP. But I know that everyone has different dynamics in their lives and I think the nicer the OP becomes, the angrier the sister in law will be.

It's unfortunate that such a nice gesture can be ruined. I think the OP should feel good about herself and what she was intending to do. The high road is always better.

 

[MomOTwins]

I would think booking someone in a different category room would be more like booking myself in a 1 bedroom while booking them in a studio.

Interesting point - I would agree that if one family was five and you had to get them a "family" size room on the ship and the other family was four so could fit in a regular size room, that would fair because there's a difference in the family's needs. But here, since the SIL has kids, it is not like she needs less space, or would use the verandah any less. Really I guess it is more like the difference between Savannah View and Standard View, or business class versus coach on an airplane--you are paying more for a nicer/upgraded in-room experience, without any change based on the family's individual needs, so I still think the more polite thing to do is to get the same for your guests.

 

[aggiedog]

I still think the more polite thing to do is to get the same for your guests.

I respectfully disagree as well. The polite thing was agreeing to pay for a vacation for them, and not a cheap vacation. I think we can all agree that DCL prices out over the average cruise line (please refer all discussion of price to one of the other threads.) We're not talking a 3 day Carnival booze cruise. And it's not like the OP was planning on the Walt Disney suite while SIL is deck 2 inside.

I'm glad, OP, that you can think thru the implications of cruising with toxic family members. Yes, they are family, but no one said you have to put yourself in the position to be abused by them. For your own happiness and mental health, it's ok to choose not to be in that position.