Birthday Etiquette Question

[phewms]

I'm having my daughter's 1st birthday party at a bounce place that has 2 designated toddler areas. The party package is a set fee for a certain number of guests and each guests after that number is $10/guest. (For various reasons, I do not wish to host her party at home.)

I am inviting family and select friends with children her age. However, her guest list has grown significantly, due to older siblings. I am planning to address the invitations to those invited:
Jack - I am planning to pay for one child.
Jack and Jill - I am planning to pay for the 2 children listed.
The Jones Family - I am planning to pay for all the children in the household.

Would you be offended if you received an invitation addressed to one of your children, with an attached note that states "Older siblings > 5 years of age are welcome for jump for a 'jump fee' of $10/child."?

Do you look at/consider the addressee of the invitation?

My initial thought was that I would be offended if my family was invited to a party but had to pay for one of my kids to participate. But that's not the case because of how I will address the invitations. Then I started thinking about when my daughter will start school and be invited to parties that her older brother won't be invited to. In that instance, if her older brother has to accompany us to those parties and wanted to participate, I would have no trouble paying for his fare.

I'm not sure what to do. If anyone chooses not to come, I don't want it to be because they are offended. That is not my intention. Any advice?

 

[lost*in*cyberspace]

I would simply add a note to each invitation that families are welcome to bring their other children, but there will be a fee of $10 charged by the venue for children other than the invitee.

I would not be offended, but then again, I wouldn't even consider bringing children who were not invited.

 

[nugov2]

So these children where you are inviting one but not the other children is that child invited 1 yr old? You say friends so I assuming they are so in that case I think it is rude to invite a very small child(not yet in preschool) and not expect that parent to bring their other children. Most likely you are inviting that person's child b/c you are friends with them...not so much that the children are friends(b/c at 1 it is a group playdate where typically the parents are as just as connected..if not more than the babies) Normally when the child is older(in school) it is a given that when a invite comes to one of my children that the others are not invited so no need to include a distinction. So in your case I would say it is all or nothing without upsetting people...unless I am misunderstanding.

 

[scrapquitler]

I would simply add a note to each invitation that families are welcome to bring their other children, but there will be a fee of $10 charged by the venue for children other than the invitee.

I would not be offended, but then again, I wouldn't even consider bringing children who were not invited.

I mostly agree with the above.

HOWEVER. This is for a first birthday party, and to me, that's a family and friends kind of thing, not a 'kid's friends' kind of party, so it's a bit different. If I'm your friend and you are having a party for your one year old, and you invite me, my hubby, my one year old and my three year old, I wouldn't expect to pay for the three year old since it's a family invitation. It's just different than a kid party. A one year old birthday is an 'everyone' party, not for the kids friends.

Personally, I would pay for everyone that was invited.

 

[Happyjen27]

Would you be offended if you received an invitation addressed to one of your children, with an attached note that states "Older siblings > 5 years of age are welcome for jump for a 'jump fee' of $10/child."?

I can't say necessarily offended, but perhaps put off. I would expect the one kid who is friends with the birthday girl to be the only one invited, and therefore be the only one in attendance. I would prefer only one child be invited than the "bring siblings if you want, on your own dime" way of doing things.

Things are different a big because this is a 1 year old's bday party, and like PP stated, more of a family affair than a kid celebrating with a kid party. Because of that, it if I were throwing the party, I would invite only those families which I felt comfortable paying for and make it a smaller party.

 

[phewms]

I mostly agree with the above.

HOWEVER. This is for a first birthday party, and to me, that's a family and friends kind of thing, not a 'kid's friends' kind of party, so it's a bit different. If I'm your friend and you are having a party for your one year old, and you invite me, my hubby, my one year old and my three year old, I wouldn't expect to pay for the three year old since it's a family invitation. It's just different than a kid party. A one year old birthday is an 'everyone' party, not for the kids friends.

Personally, I would pay for everyone that was invited.

If the sibling is three, I would cover the sibling. If the sibling is, say 9, no I would not cover the sibling and I would address the invitation to the one year old.

I posted this on another website and I've gotten the comment that "one year old parties are for everyone". And "one year olds do not have friends." I'm a working mom and my one year old attends daycare where she indeed has "friends." And many of those "friends" have older siblings that range from 3-20! LOL. Now I am not expecting a 20 year old to come, but if a parent has to bring a sibling older than 5 (who is not invited) I'm asking if I should suck it up and pay for them or enclose my note.

 

[nugov2]

If the sibling is three, I would cover the sibling. If the sibling is, say 9, no I would not cover the sibling and I would address the invitation to the one year old.

I posted this on another website and I've gotten the comment that "one year old parties are for everyone". And "one year olds do not have friends." I'm a working mom and my one year old attends daycare where she indeed has "friends." And many of those "friends" have older siblings that range from 3-20! LOL. Now I am not expecting a 20 year old to come, but if a parent has to bring a sibling older than 5 (who is not invited) I'm asking if I should suck it up and pay for them or enclose my note.

I get what you are saying, but I tend to agree with the comments you are getting about the party being for everyone. This is not a child only party so people will be expected to stay and b/c of the young age(1) will be assuming it is a party for everyone as a first birthday party normally is. I am pretty sure the 20 yr old and any teenage children will pass on coming, but any child not old enough to be left alone by themselves(12 and under) should be paid for by you. I understand what you are saying about it being expensive, but realistically a 1yr old isn't going to be disappointed if their 1yr old friend from daycare isn't there so if you cannot afford to pay for the entire family I just wouldn't invite them(and there is nothing wrong with that). I personally would rather not get an invite from a family my child goes to daycare with then be invited with the stipulation I pay an additional $20 for my family to be there(seems off putting). I am guessing if they are daycare friends you do not know the families at all and really would never even expect to be invited to a 1yr old's party from their child's daycare. They may even feel awkward since they are usually close friends and family at these parties and likely wouldn't know anyone.

 

[phewms]

I get what you are saying, but I tend to agree with the comments you are getting about the party being for everyone. This is not a child only party so people will be expected to stay and b/c of the young age(1) will be assuming it is a party for everyone as a first birthday party normally is. I am pretty sure the 20 yr old and any teenage children will pass on coming, but any child not old enough to be left alone by themselves(12 and under) should be paid for by you. I understand what you are saying about it being expensive, but realistically a 1yr old isn't going to be disappointed if their 1yr old friend from daycare isn't there so if you cannot afford to pay for the entire family I just wouldn't invite them(and there is nothing wrong with that). I personally would rather not get an invite from a family my child goes to daycare with then be invited with the stipulation I pay an additional $20 for my family to be there(seems off putting). I am guessing if they are daycare friends you do not know the families at all and really would never even expect to be invited to a 1yr old's party from their child's daycare. They may even feel awkward since they are usually close friends and family at these parties and likely wouldn't know anyone.

I understand this! Thanks for your input. I think I will cut the guest list down a bit.

 

[zoemurr]

I understand this! Thanks for your input. I think I will cut the guest list down a bit.

I think that's a good idea and I agree with the people that are making the distinction. Since it is for a one year old I would be expected to stay. If I am expected to stay then my other children would as well. Package deal that you started so you should pay.

If it's for an older child that is a bit different. If I took my DD to a party and she was old enough to be dropped off, but I decided to stay then I would pay for her brother. (Although honestly, the only time I can think that we did this was at a Chuck E Cheese party and the host family did

If I got an invite that said it was for my DD but you knew I had to bring DS and "by the way you need to pay $10 for him to attend our event" I would be a bit put off. If we were good friends with you we would still go, but otherwise probably not.

Have fun! As you can tell from the Dis every year there are different politics and questions involved in birthday parties. This is one thing that definitely gets easier when they are older. 4-5 friends, a movie and popcorn keep them happy all night.

 

[kymom99]

I think it is a good idea to cut the list down a bit.

Not trying to get you to change your plans, but when my son was 1, we reserved a private park. We both have big families and wanted to invite all ages. We also invited a friend and her kids. The guests enjoyed playing volleyball and other games and the little ones had a playground and lots of people to see. I know it isn't park weather in most places right now, but maybe you could celebrate in another month or so?

 

[shoney]

If the sibling is three, I would cover the sibling. If the sibling is, say 9, no I would not cover the sibling and I would address the invitation to the one year old.

I posted this on another website and I've gotten the comment that "one year old parties are for everyone". And "one year olds do not have friends." I'm a working mom and my one year old attends daycare where she indeed has "friends." And many of those "friends" have older siblings that range from 3-20! LOL. Now I am not expecting a 20 year old to come, but if a parent has to bring a sibling older than 5 (who is not invited) I'm asking if I should suck it up and pay for them or enclose my note.

In that case, I would suck it up and pay for it. I would never enclose a note like that.

I would address the envelopes/invitations to the child being invited.

Regardless of the child age, IMO, you are hosting a party for children not adults. It would be the same if the b-day child was 3, 5 or 8!

In our circle, it is known that siblings aren't invited. If someone does bring a sibling, they sit on the side.
Sometimes the host parents will invite a sibling to join along and of course pay for them. Then there are times that a parent will offer to pay for the sibling so that they may join in.

Since you are new at this I wouldn't start off with a note like that. If it cost a few bucks more then I would suck it up and then you know for next time!

If you consider this a family party then I think you should be paying for ALL of the children, siblings included.

 

[cel_disney]

My kids have been in daycares since they were 6 weeks old - my oldest is now 7.

I think you should cut the guest list. For the kids at daycare, you should be able to arrange to celebrate in some way at school instead. When they are 3 seems to be the age when they start having 'friend' parties outside of school,

First Birthdays are definitely more about family - one year olds are just learning about cake and can't open their own presents very good..

Also - if you haven't ever been to a bounce place with a 1 year old, you may want to visit ahead of time. Our bounce place toddler areas are pretty pathetic - more like an afterthought and not very fun. Just sharing incase you haven't been yet - wouldn't want you to be disappointed!

 

[dimimi]

My kids have been in daycares since they were 6 weeks old - my oldest is now 7.

I think you should cut the guest list. For the kids at daycare, you should be able to arrange to celebrate in some way at school instead. When they are 3 seems to be the age when they start having 'friend' parties outside of school,

First Birthdays are definitely more about family - one year olds are just learning about cake and can't open their own presents very good..

Also - if you haven't ever been to a bounce place with a 1 year old. quote...


I would also do something at the daycare. I can't imagine a 1 year old having fun at a jump place. The one year old party.... I think.... is just for family.

 

[redrosesix]

My kids have been in daycares since they were 6 weeks old - my oldest is now 7.

I think you should cut the guest list. For the kids at daycare, you should be able to arrange to celebrate in some way at school instead. When they are 3 seems to be the age when they start having 'friend' parties outside of school,

First Birthdays are definitely more about family - one year olds are just learning about cake and can't open their own presents very good..

Also - if you haven't ever been to a bounce place with a 1 year old, you may want to visit ahead of time. Our bounce place toddler areas are pretty pathetic - more like an afterthought and not very fun. Just sharing incase you haven't been yet - wouldn't want you to be disappointed!

ITA with all of this.

When my DD was in daycare, parents brought cupcakes or something to be shared with classmates on their birthday, even if they were over 3 and were having their party. And yup, friend parties started at 3. First year birthdays were for family -- it's the party you know for sure your child will not remember and will only know from the photos.

Bounce places around here do not allow children under the age of 3. Most of them have mats and balls for the little ones to play on, but tbh that's no better than having them in your living room with a few toys. It's really for younger siblings of kids invited to parties.

 

[SEA333]

Honestly, if I got a birthday invite from one of my kids' daycare mates instructing me who I would have to pay for and who I didn't have to when they were one, I would laugh and throw it away. No way would I even RSVP to a invite with a note like that. A coworker invited me to her wedding last year but not my husband, and since the invite was handed to me without postage (ie, not addressed to anyone) I had to ask if DH was invited. She said no...that she invited me and three other people at work, and we would be sitting at a table with three other couples, so if I could just come alone, it would be a "big win". I politely RSVP'd with a decline only because I respect her and knew that she and her husband were paying for the wedding with very little help from family, but holy cow!!! I am 37 years old (she is 28), so it isn't like she was a young twenty trying to cut her guest list by not inviting her party-friends' boyfriends! LOL

Back to the birthday party...My kids are 13, 9, and 8 and we had family or whole-family friends parties until their friends were old enough to be dropped off and picked up 2 -3 hours later. Until the kids are old enough to be dropped at the beginning of the party and picked up at the end, I would suggest you only invite family and close friends. Even a 9 or 12 year old will have fun at Pump it Up or wherever you are having it, and it would suck to have to bring a one-year old baby to a party like that and have to stand there the whole time listening to my old kids wishing they could play - especially when it's more often than not the baby who clings to the parents legs, cries, or spends the whole time eating a cracker instead of playing. Besides, who are you (in a nice way) to decide WHICH kids in the family are "eligible" to be invited to play and who isn't? Which kid would you honestly be able to look in the eye and say "Your brother and sister can jump in the bouncehouses, but if you want to, talk to your mom, kid". How awful would it be to have to be the person who says "you didn't pay up, so you cannot stay and play!"

But that is only my opinion and I do understand that I have the choice whether to go or not...and I can tell you that I would not go.

 

[shoney]

In that case, I would suck it up and pay for it. I would never enclose a note like that.

I would address the envelopes/invitations to the child being invited.

Regardless of the child age, IMO, you are hosting a party for children not adults. It would be the same if the b-day child was 3, 5 or 8!

In our circle, it is known that siblings aren't invited. If someone does bring a sibling, they sit on the side.
Sometimes the host parents will invite a sibling to join along and of course pay for them. Then there are times that a parent will offer to pay for the sibling so that they may join in.

Since you are new at this I wouldn't start off with a note like that. If it cost a few bucks more then I would suck it up and then you know for next time!

If you consider this a family party then I think you should be paying for ALL of the children, siblings included.

I'm only quoting the above to continue my crazy thoughts...

I do think of 1 yo parties as a family/friend event with great food, cocktails, and entertainment. It is really an adult type party. At least it was for our kids.
Mine are now 14 and 12. When they were in preschool/daycare, parties didn't start until 4, with a few 3 sprinkled in.

I know people with lil' ones and they go to/have 2 yo children's b-day parties. It doesn't surprise me that it has now gone to the 1yo group as well.

 

[lost*in*cyberspace]

I don't know why I am always amazed at the bad manners so many people have these days. An invitation is only for the person/s to whom it is addressed. It is extremely rude to bring additional guests who were not invited. You are free to politely respond that you will not attend if you don't want to go.

OP, why not just have a casual get together at your house? A one year old is happy with a piece of cake; no need for an elaborate and expensive party. Put the money saved in your child's college fund.

 

[aprilgail2]

I mostly agree with the above.

HOWEVER. This is for a first birthday party, and to me, that's a family and friends kind of thing, not a 'kid's friends' kind of party, so it's a bit different. If I'm your friend and you are having a party for your one year old, and you invite me, my hubby, my one year old and my three year old, I wouldn't expect to pay for the three year old since it's a family invitation. It's just different than a kid party. A one year old birthday is an 'everyone' party, not for the kids friends.

Personally, I would pay for everyone that was invited.

totally agree!

 

[Pixiedustaway]

Not at all. When my older or younger child, gets invited to a party, I know the invite is specific to that child. I make arrangements for the other child,,and bring the child to the party.

However, I'd have no problem paying $10 for my other child. But would probably only bring the child that was invited.

 

[snoopy5386]

I don't know why I am always amazed at the bad manners so many people have these days. An invitation is only for the person/s to whom it is addressed. It is extremely rude to bring additional guests who were not invited. You are free to politely respond that you will not attend if you don't want to go.

OP, why not just have a casual get together at your house? A one year old is happy with a piece of cake; no need for an elaborate and expensive party. Put the money saved in your child's college fund.

The problem with this stance and young children is that the child cannot attend the party alone, a parent must stay with them. Kids 5 and up (and some younger) can be dropped off at a party when it starts and picked up a few hours later when it's over. So what would you have single parents or parents with spouses who are working during the party time do with their other children? Their options are either to decline the invite or bring their other children.

With almost every birthday party we have attended for children under kindergarten age the entire family has been invited. It wasn't until my oldest started school that the invitations changed to being just for her.

I agree with everyone who says to invite all the children and trim your guest list in the process. I would also make sure you visit the bounce house with your child during open bounce time to make sure they enjoy it. Most kids under 2 find bounce places to be very overwhelming - they are loud, lots of older kids are running around and jumping in the bounce house causing the little ones to fall down or scaring them, a parent needs to be in the bounce house with them at all times, etc. Most just turned 1 year olds would not have a good time at a bounce party. I'd look for another venue.