BIG UPDATE to DS is in trouble. Again. (post 17)

[Marseeya]

Got a call from the principal at the high school this morning while I was sick in bed. DS has a shop class first thing in the morning and he started out loving that class, but then he started having problems and then became a real discipline problem himself.

This morning, he made a knife out of the metal they were working with. The principal said it had a long pointy end and serrated edge. Apparently after talking to him, they (she and the other principal) were satisfied that he wasn't planning to do anything with it, so they gave him 3 days' suspension. Normal punishment would have been 10 days and a call to the police. They also kicked him out of the class.

I just need some hugs and guidance right now. Maybe a long, hot bath and a good cry.

 

[LBAK]

 

[mommaU4]

I'm really sorry. It doesn't sound like you are having a good day. Tomorrow will be better.

 

[Chicago526]

So, is he grounded for life, or just until he's 30?

Seriously, I'm sorry you're having problems. It sounds like a looooong talk with DS is in order. Maybe there is something else going on with him? Maybe a talk with a counselor is in order?

 

[LindsayDunn228]

I'm so sorry

 

[Alicnwondrln]

 

[Marseeya]

Thanks guys.

Please don't take this the wrong way, but I keep asking myself over and over how I ended up with a kid like this. I tried so hard to be consistent with him and keep him out of trouble. What on earth did I do wrong?

 

[sharbear]

Are you seeking professional help. It sounds like there are some issues going on that no parent could help with. Don't beat yourself up, my wish is that he can get the help that he needs.

 

[Marseeya]

We had a great counselor, but she ended up having to retire.

I finally found someone new back in September, and it turned out to be a mess. Because he's 14, they basically told him that he was completely in charge of his own treatment, including his meds. I told them it would backfire, and it sure did. He refused to take his meds and wouldn't participate in the counseling at all. Where before, the counselor would get information from me, they wouldn't even listen to a word I had to say. Anyway, it's a long convoluted story more detailed than I can go into, but the short of it is, we're looking for someone new. Where I live, there are very few child psychologists/psychiatrists. We're willing to pay out of pocket, but the ones we've called aren't taking new patients.

It just really infuriates me with these HIPAA laws, giving kids more autonomy than they can handle in their medical care. It certainly should not carry over to kids with behavioral/mental disorders.

 

[MagicalMom]

Have you put the "curse" on him yet? I remember when my Mom put it on me. I always swore I would never do that to my own child. NEVER. I only wanted the best for my future Grandbabies. Just last night while driving down the road the two oldest started yelling & fighting. I finally gave up & did it. I yelled "I hope you 2 grow up & have children just like yourselves!" It made me feel so much better. May they someday know the stress they have put me through.

 

[christinadei]

So sorry you are going through that. I can relate, though mine is only 5 and in kindergarten, he's been in trouble most days for the past few months. I am so worried that it will just get worse. We set him up for group and individual sessions withi teh guidance counselor at school to begin wtih. It's really hard when it's your gid getting in trouble. I also know how you feel when you've tried everything. I hope you get it worked out with your DS!

 

[Pugsley]

I’m sorry you’re going through this. Don’t blame yourself -- it seems like so many kids just do bad things no matter how well they are raised. My stepson has major problems and I know my DH feels very guilty about it and wonders what he did wrong. He dedicated many years of his life to raising his kids ALONE and I know he did the best he could. He is such a good man, but every one of his kids is messed up in one way or another. Granted, they didn’t have the best childhood -- their parents had a bad marriage and their mother pretty much deserted them. But that doesn’t mean they can’t pick themselves up and make something of their lives. The one big mistake I think DH made was not to get counseling for his son while he was still a teenager (he says he got some counseling but it clearly wasn't enough.) Now he’s 22 years old and in major trouble but there’s nothing we can do to help him. He would have to want help, and he doesn’t.

 

[Marseeya]

Well, DS came home from school and we talked.

His story is that there was already a drawer full of metal knives in the shop class and that he wasn't making one, but trying to cut the end off of one. The head principal believed him, hence the 3-day suspension, but the assistant principal didn't, and she's the one I spoke with. So, he was still doing something destructive, and something he shouldn't have been doing, but thankfully not as serious as I was told.

I believe him to a point. The thing with him is, he's normally very honest about his behavior and rarely outright denies anything. So, I'll have to wait until next week when I go into the school and piece everything together. I reserve judgment until I talk face to face with the principals.

He's still being punished, though.

 

[jennyl772003]

The fact that you are upset and taking this seriously says that you are a good parent and trying your best!

 

[Pooh_Friend#1]

 

[MoniqueU]

Thanks guys.

Please don't take this the wrong way, but I keep asking myself over and over how I ended up with a kid like this. I tried so hard to be consistent with him and keep him out of trouble. What on earth did I do wrong?

Sometimes kids just make stupid decisions and there is nothing that can prevent it. Thats my feeling anyway. I hope you have a nice long talk with him and get things straightened out.

 

[Marseeya]

Well, today was DS's first day back to school after his suspension and I was supposed to meet with the assistant principal this morning at 9. She wasn't in, so I met with the two male principals. First of all, they went ahead and turned the three-day suspension into a ten-day suspension, calling it an "extension." I'm all for him being punished, but I wish they would have just given him the ten in the first place rather than making us think it would be three.

The meeting lasted about two hours, and I ended up crying. They agreed not to call the police on the condition that DS sign up for in-school counseling sessions, which he did. I signed him up for drug testing (my idea), and I've found a new psychiatrist in town who will take our insurance.

I did talk to them about possibly talking to the police maybe off the record to scare DS straight, but they said it wouldn't be possible. It either has to be no police involvement, or get them involved completely. None of us really want that considering we'd have to go to court and pay fines and such. On the other hand, DS would possibly get community service and probation. The principal is just kind of leaving it up to us for now.

We all pretty much came to the agreement that it was a really big, stupid mistake on DS's part, and that he just wasn't thinking. Even if he DIDN'T make the knives, he was in possession of them, and didn't turn them in to the teacher when he found them. He needs to know that was the wrong thing to do.

Well, after I told DH all of this, he's convinced we need to send DS somewhere, like to a treatment center or something. What??? Yes, we'd do that if he were doing drugs, but I just don't get where he's coming from with all this. Here's what he said to me in an e-mail:

You would have thought that his first brush in with "The Man" would have
scared him straight, but apparently not.

He needs to get out of this environment. He needs to go away. He needs
a treatment center or a tough love clinic. Now how do you find one of
those around here without a theological spin? I wasn't able to find
any.​

I mean, DH is all freaking out now over the same incident. Why wasn't he saying this stuff last week when it first happened? I think DH is using this as an excuse to get DS into some sort of boarding school.

I just don't know what to think, but I told DH that it wasn't happening right now, and that the school and I are on the same page.

UGH!

 

[MICKEY88]

Well, today was DS's first day back to school after his suspension and I was supposed to meet with the assistant principal this morning at 9. She wasn't in, so I met with the two male principals. First of all, they went ahead and turned the three-day suspension into a ten-day suspension, calling it an "extension." I'm all for him being punished, but I wish they would have just given him the ten in the first place rather than making us think it would be three.

The meeting lasted about two hours, and I ended up crying. They agreed not to call the police on the condition that DS sign up for in-school counseling sessions, which he did. I signed him up for drug testing (my idea), and I've found a new psychiatrist in town who will take our insurance.

I did talk to them about possibly talking to the police maybe off the record to scare DS straight, but they said it wouldn't be possible. It either has to be no police involvement, or get them involved completely. None of us really want that considering we'd have to go to court and pay fines and such. On the other hand, DS would possibly get community service and probation. The principal is just kind of leaving it up to us for now.

We all pretty much came to the agreement that it was a really big, stupid mistake on DS's part, and that he just wasn't thinking. Even if he DIDN'T make the knives, he was in possession of them, and didn't turn them in to the teacher when he found them. He needs to know that was the wrong thing to do.

Well, after I told DH all of this, he's convinced we need to send DS somewhere, like to a treatment center or something. What??? Yes, we'd do that if he were doing drugs, but I just don't get where he's coming from with all this. Here's what he said to me in an e-mail:

You would have thought that his first brush in with "The Man" would have
scared him straight, but apparently not.

He needs to get out of this environment. He needs to go away. He needs
a treatment center or a tough love clinic. Now how do you find one of
those around here without a theological spin? I wasn't able to find
any.​

I mean, DH is all freaking out now over the same incident. Why wasn't he saying this stuff last week when it first happened? I think DH is using this as an excuse to get DS into some sort of boarding school.

I just don't know what to think, but I told DH that it wasn't happening right now, and that the school and I are on the same page.

UGH!

first of all I would be questioning the school about the drawer full of knives, how can kids be making them without a teacher noticing, in a shop class with power tools/machinery a teacher must be present and should be supervising, if the schools insurance carrier were to find out differently the school would be in trouble.

secondly you are lucky the school is not involving the police, I'm fairly sure that PA has a mandatory weapons policy, that states police must be called when weapons are on school property, that's probably why the school said it was full police or no police, because they realize if the police are notified, they are in trouble.


I would also be concerned that if they aren't concerned about the drawer full of knives nor, notifying the police as the law would mandate,,,,

how safe are your schools...??

 

[Marseeya]

first of all I would be questioning the school about the drawer full of knives, how can kids be making them without a teacher noticing, in a shop class with power tools/machinery a teacher must be present and should be supervising, if the schools insurance carrier were to find out differently the school would be in trouble.

secondly you are lucky the school is not involving the police, I'm fairly sure that PA has a mandatory weapons policy, that states police must be called when weapons are on school property, that's probably why the school said it was full police or no police, because they realize if the police are notified, they are in trouble.


I would also be concerned that if they aren't concerned about the drawer full of knives nor, notifying the police as the law would mandate,,,,

how safe are your schools...??

I'm pretty concerned about the whole thing with the knives too. Nobody is clear on who actually made the knives. The teacher didn't see anything except them being in DS's hands. Several kids in the class say DS did make them and several say he didn't. It's about split, so we'll never know the whole truth. I did make a comment this morning about the shop teacher not being in the classroom during class session. He has no business being in his office during class at all! They did pull him into the main office this morning, but I'm not sure what was/will be said to him.

The school doesn't have a zero tolerance policy, which, I'm sure, is why they're not calling the police. I can guarantee that if I hadn't been in that office as concerned as I was, and if DS hadn't been willing to do the in-school counseling, they would have called them. The school handbook basically has a guideline of punishments and then says that they can use their discretion on a case by case basis.

 

[MICKEY88]

I'm pretty concerned about the whole thing with the knives too. Nobody is clear on who actually made the knives. The teacher didn't see anything except them being in DS's hands. Several kids in the class say DS did make them and several say he didn't. It's about split, so we'll never know the whole truth. I did make a comment this morning about the shop teacher not being in the classroom during class session. He has no business being in his office during class at all! They did pull him into the main office this morning, but I'm not sure what was/will be said to him.

The school doesn't have a zero tolerance policy, which, I'm sure, is why they're not calling the police. I can guarantee that if I hadn't been in that office as concerned as I was, and if DS hadn't been willing to do the in-school counseling, they would have called them. The school handbook basically has a guideline of punishments and then says that they can use their discretion on a case by case basis.

even without a zero tolerance policy I think the state mandates police involvement when weapons are present..,



I'd force the issue that if the teacher had been present it would be impossible for students to make knives, then ask the school if they'd like you to contact their insurance provider..or the dept. of ed. in HArrisburg..

making the knives was wrong, but had the teacher been doing his job it would not have happened..