BIG UPDATE to DS is in trouble. Again. (post 17)

[disneymom3]

My main concern for you at this point would be that you and your DH are not on the same page when it comes to dealing with this. May I ask, is DH a stepdad here or the dad, dad? Is their relationship okay?

I think my other biggest concern would be to get your DS into the psych. ASAP. Perhaps if you tell them that there has been this issue at school, they will be able to see him sooner. I know when we started counseling, it was quite awhile between the first call and the appt itself.

Good luck.

 

[Jpgirl]

First off I am so sorry for you. Secondly we are in the same boat!! I have no advice other than do not go back to that DR. When we moved here we had a doc like that and it set our ds back 5 years. You can not make a sick teen in charge of his therapy. This Dr went so far as to say that our ds was normal and we weren't-oh right it's perfectly normal for a fifteen year old to have the police called on him after becoming physically violent and after threaten to come into my room at night and bash my brains out with a baseball bat. It will take time to gain ground but keep working at it. Calling the police doesn't work well here but it does deescalate hime. And school suspensions are a joke to him. We have a lot of rules and consequences, but a lot of it just boild down to him being very sick. I think someday he'll be on the news-shot by police.. My prayers are with you

 

[DisneyLovingMama]

First of all, . I don't understand why the principal didn't seem to make it that big a deal last week, by telling you it was only a 3-day suspension, then extending it to 10 today. Did something else happen or some other evidence come to light? Just seems inconsistent and unfair to your DS.

Second, I would seriously consider before sending him off somewhere, whether a boarding school or mental institution. Unless he really, truly ill, they may just make him worse. My sister went through this and came home worse than when she left. She felt abandoned and unloved, which just made her more self-destructive.

I hope your and your DH can get on the same page, so that you can provided a united front and support system to your DS. He's going to need it.

Good luck!

 

[Marseeya]

My main concern for you at this point would be that you and your DH are not on the same page when it comes to dealing with this. May I ask, is DH a stepdad here or the dad, dad? Is their relationship okay?

I think my other biggest concern would be to get your DS into the psych. ASAP. Perhaps if you tell them that there has been this issue at school, they will be able to see him sooner. I know when we started counseling, it was quite awhile between the first call and the appt itself.

Good luck.

DH is the stepdad, but has been raising my son since he was a tot. He's been a father in every sense of the word, but they've become really distant towards each other since DS has gone through puberty. About a year ago, this house was a total battleground, but then DH went through some counseling and things did get better on his end. DS went from calling him "Dad" to calling him nothing at all (and referring to him as his "step" when he's talking to other people).

Thanks for the heads up about the psychiatrist. I'll call them back tomorrow and let them know what's going on. I honestly didn't even think of that when I made the appointment.

 

[Marseeya]

First off I am so sorry for you. Secondly we are in the same boat!! I have no advice other than do not go back to that DR. When we moved here we had a doc like that and it set our ds back 5 years. You can not make a sick teen in charge of his therapy. This Dr went so far as to say that our ds was normal and we weren't-oh right it's perfectly normal for a fifteen year old to have the police called on him after becoming physically violent and after threaten to come into my room at night and bash my brains out with a baseball bat. It will take time to gain ground but keep working at it. Calling the police doesn't work well here but it does deescalate hime. And school suspensions are a joke to him. We have a lot of rules and consequences, but a lot of it just boild down to him being very sick. I think someday he'll be on the news-shot by police.. My prayers are with you

I'm so sorry to hear you're having the same struggles.

I'm sure you know as well as I do that you can have all the rules and consequences you want, but when it comes to a kid with bipolar, it just doesn't stick the same way. Does/did your DS have rages? That hasn't happened here in a while, but at his age it's scary! For us, not so much that he'll hurt us, but that he'll hurt himself (not suicidal type, but accidental type). I'm so sorry your son has threatened you. That has to hurt so much, even though you know the threats are coming from the mental illness. The last counselor we had flat out told us to go ahead and take him to the hospital if he won't calm down, or call the police. I've always felt so alone in dealing with his problems, but just having someone TELL us to do that, was such a relief. Honestly, I'd never considered it before.

Good luck to you.

 

[Marseeya]

First of all, . I don't understand why the principal didn't seem to make it that big a deal last week, by telling you it was only a 3-day suspension, then extending it to 10 today. Did something else happen or some other evidence come to light? Just seems inconsistent and unfair to your DS.

Second, I would seriously consider before sending him off somewhere, whether a boarding school or mental institution. Unless he really, truly ill, they may just make him worse. My sister went through this and came home worse than when she left. She felt abandoned and unloved, which just made her more self-destructive.

I hope your and your DH can get on the same page, so that you can provided a united front and support system to your DS. He's going to need it.

Good luck!

I flat out told DH we weren't sending him away. If he gets into drugs or something, then I will, but I just think it's a bad idea. We're not sending my boy away!

As for the principals, there are three of them. It seems to me they weren't all on the same page. There's a head principal and two assistants, and one of the assistant principals gave him the three days, so I assume the head principal disagreed with it later.

 

[barkley]

just to provide somewhat of a different perspective. my dh had not medical or psychological problems as a teen but he felt the expectations of his parents were unreasonable/out of step with his peers (they were older than his peer's parents by about 20 years). he actualy requested of them to go to a boarding school.

his experience at boarding school taught him that not only were his parent's expectations reasonable, they were very liberal in comparison with the majority of students he encountered. he also learned that many things he took for granted as "just being done" (laundry, personal needs, calendaring of personal appointments) actualy entailed time and effort on the part of the person handleing them.

boarding school (the right boarding school) can be an extreemly socialy educational experience and can facilitate an experience that allows a teen to mature far more then what they would in a home setting. being responsible for day to day caretaking (laundry, chores, homework) sans a parent can make a teen much more aware of of consequences and 'reality' in general.

i would not entirely rule out boarding school, the right school-the right program-presented to the teen in the right manner (not as a punishment-as an alternative learning environment) can be very beneficial to both the teen and the parent.

 

[Serena]

 

[MICKEY88]

t. He's been a father in every sense of the word, but they've become really distant towards each other since DS has gone through puberty. About a year ago, this house was a total battleground, but then DH went through some counseling and things did get better on his end. DS went from calling him "Dad" to calling him nothing at all (and referring to him as his "step" when he's talking to other people).

QUOTE]

that's normal behaviour, it's the whole alpha male thing, when boys go thru puberty it's normal for them to challenge the other male in the house, I did a lot of reading since I'm a stepdad of a male....took on the role when he was 8, when puberty hit so did the attitude and challenges, I stood my ground , made it quite clear that I was the alpha male, and he would have his chance to be such when he was older and had his own house, eventually he calmed down, and we're now very close,he often asks if he can go with me when I'm going somewhere.. he's 16, and a bit taller than I am, but he respects me, and actually hugs me each night before going to bed,

good luck with the school,

tell your husband to stand his ground as the alpha male, rather than sending your son elsewhere, what he needs is a good strong male role model, as he learns his place in the world

 

[Bashful2]

DD16 is bipolar. Luckily, we have a wonderful psychiatrist who she has been seeing for about 4 years now. At her worst, she was cutting herself, writing dark, dark poetry, getting into trouble at school, going into rages, crying all the time and taking drugs. She also would make us think she was taking her medicine, but then would go somewhere and spit it out. There is no way she could have been in control of her own treatment.

There were many times we thought she wouldn't make it to her next birthday. There were also times that we were so stressed out that we seriously considered sending her away long term.

She was hospitalized 4 times in about a year and a half. The 1st 2 times, there was no improvement. In fact, after the 2nd time, her psychiatrist had to undo the damage the psychiatrist at the hospital had done.

The 3rd hospitalization was at a different hospital. They did help, but then she started back with her old habits. Unbeknownst to us, she was spitting out her meds, then starting taking stackers in pretty large amounts. She ended up taking a knife to school. Another student told because she was afraid DD was going to hurt herself. She received a 10 day suspension and was not allowed back in school until it was ok'd by a psychiatrist. The school has a zero tolerance policy so she should have been arrested, but because of her other problems (plus a friend of hers had recently killed herself) they gave her a break.

We hospitalized her again. This time, though, we also told her this was her last chance. If she screwed up again, she was going to go away for a long time because we just couldn't help her anymore. She knew that we meant it. After that hospitalization and with the knowledge that she had to help herself, she stablized. She is now very diligent about her medicine. We don't even have to remind her anymore. She knows we will help her, but that she is ultimately responsible for keeping herself well. It will be a year in March that she's been stable.

The reason I'm telling you this, Marseeya, is because I want you to know you are not alone. Plus, I want you to know there is hope. There were times that I really thought there was no hope for DD. There were also times I just wanted her to be gone somewhere else. I felt very guilty for feeling that way about my own child, but she really put us through hell. If you ever need to talk, please feel free to pm me

 

[Mimi Q]

 

[jamzots]

We had a great counselor, but she ended up having to retire.

I finally found someone new back in September, and it turned out to be a mess. Because he's 14, they basically told him that he was completely in charge of his own treatment, including his meds. I told them it would backfire, and it sure did. He refused to take his meds and wouldn't participate in the counseling at all. Where before, the counselor would get information from me, they wouldn't even listen to a word I had to say. Anyway, it's a long convoluted story more detailed than I can go into, but the short of it is, we're looking for someone new. Where I live, there are very few child psychologists/psychiatrists. We're willing to pay out of pocket, but the ones we've called aren't taking new patients.

It just really infuriates me with these HIPAA laws, giving kids more autonomy than they can handle in their medical care. It certainly should not carry over to kids with behavioral/mental disorders.

What?? They actually LET your DS be in charge of his own treatment and meds at 14? That to me is totally ridiculous. I thought that you had to be at least 18 and not under your parents insurance for your own HIPPA rights to kick in. I just cannot believe that they are letting things get that far! And IMO the HIPPA laws should not carry over to ANY child under the age of 18, not just someone with behavioral/mental disorders. What is this world coming to? I would think that the parents would have the final say in their kids treatments and diagnosis'.
Anyway, don't mean to get off in a tangent, I hope everything works out for your son!!

 

[cstraub]

I'm pretty concerned about the whole thing with the knives too. Nobody is clear on who actually made the knives. The teacher didn't see anything except them being in DS's hands. Several kids in the class say DS did make them and several say he didn't. It's about split, so we'll never know the whole truth. I did make a comment this morning about the shop teacher not being in the classroom during class session. He has no business being in his office during class at all! They did pull him into the main office this morning, but I'm not sure what was/will be said to him.

The school doesn't have a zero tolerance policy, which, I'm sure, is why they're not calling the police. I can guarantee that if I hadn't been in that office as concerned as I was, and if DS hadn't been willing to do the in-school counseling, they would have called them. The school handbook basically has a guideline of punishments and then says that they can use their discretion on a case by case basis.

Just in reading the first paragraph you wrote it stopped me dead in my tracks and I had to reply to you right away. You should be able to trust what your DS says about the knives. I would never tolerate not knowing if my children are lying to me or not. Right there should be a major issue!!!! I would explain to him that you need to be able to trust him and why he shouldn't lie. He must be lying to you or otherwise you could believe him about not making the knives. I would explain to him how serious this was and that the police were almost involved and that you were unable to defend him to the fullest beacuse in your heart you weren't sure yourself what the truth was.

Next time it could be something more serious.

I know all kids are different. My oldest DS14 NEVER lies and NEVER has. My DS8 lied alot when he was a bit younger but he has listened to my reasoning about why not to lie and has bought into it.

I always ask my kids if they want me to lie to them. I give different examples and sanarios and make them see how scary it can be when someone you love is lying and you can't trust them.

Trust is the best thing we can have going in a family. If you can't trust your family then who can you trus? I always teach that we need to be there for each other and lying isn't the way to get there.

Don't want to bring you down but I just wanted to make you aware that the lying thing should be a major issue here.

Hugs to you..

 

[minkydog]

I would seriously consider before sending him off somewhere, whether a boarding school or mental institution. Unless he really, truly ill, they may just make him worse. My sister went through this and came home worse than when she left. She felt abandoned and unloved, which just made her more self-destructive.

I hope your and your DH can get on the same page, so that you can provided a united front and support system to your DS. He's going to need it.

Good luck!

Marseeya, I second this all the way. Unless your son is a danger to you in your home I would not send him away. In his confused state I believe he would only see it as abandonment, not help. The kinds kids he will meet in a residential facility(or more accurately, their problems) may be far beyond what you're already dealing with. Your husband is not thinking clearly right now;it only seems like everything would be alright if DS just went away, but it won't. Your DS obviously needs some help, but I would try my best to provide it at home with the support of psychiatry, school, meds, etc. Perhaps a few sessions with a family counselor would also help the two of you. (We went through very similar experiences with DS19, if you recall. My heart goes out to you )

 

[LindsayDunn228]

Marseeya,

I apologize, I just found this thread this morning. I will be thinking about you guys and sending good thoughts your way. PM me or IM me if you need to vent

 

[Marseeya]

What?? They actually LET your DS be in charge of his own treatment and meds at 14? That to me is totally ridiculous. I thought that you had to be at least 18 and not under your parents insurance for your own HIPPA rights to kick in. I just cannot believe that they are letting things get that far! And IMO the HIPPA laws should not carry over to ANY child under the age of 18, not just someone with behavioral/mental disorders. What is this world coming to? I would think that the parents would have the final say in their kids treatments and diagnosis'.
Anyway, don't mean to get off in a tangent, I hope everything works out for your son!!

Oh boy, that whole HIPAA thing was a mess. I posted about it back in October when it happened, but this psychiatrist's office had my DS sign all kinds of papers allowing me the right to have access to his treatment. When I questioned it, they told me right in front of him that they can't tell me what kind of meds he's on, what the goals are, or anything. They also told me that I can't make him take his meds. Isn't that insane??? We parents are in charge of our kids' well-being until they turn 18, but then some privacy law is going to give those kids autonomy in their medical treatment -- and like you said, someone with behavioral and mental disorders!!! (keep in mind, I think that what a kid says in therapy should be confidential, unless he's going to harm himself or someone else)

I was telling this to the principals, and I'm not entirely sure they believed me. Then, the psychologist came in to talk with me and she backed me up, saying that this particular psychiatry practice misinterprets the HIPAA laws and they've had a problem with it for a while now. SHE said that when it comes to behavioral/mental health, a parent does have a right to have access to treatment and absolutely can force a child to take meds, including having him hospitalized if he won't. Three cheers for common sense!

 

[Marseeya]

Marseeya,

I apologize, I just found this thread this morning. I will be thinking about you guys and sending good thoughts your way. PM me or IM me if you need to vent

Thanks.

I feel better today. After spending the day with DS yesterday, I could tell that what happened was really starting to sink in with him. I'm hoping that he'll take it all very seriously from now on.

 

[jamzots]

Oh boy, that whole HIPAA thing was a mess. I posted about it back in October when it happened, but this psychiatrist's office had my DS sign all kinds of papers allowing me the right to have access to his treatment. When I questioned it, they told me right in front of him that they can't tell me what kind of meds he's on, what the goals are, or anything. They also told me that I can't make him take his meds. Isn't that insane??? We parents are in charge of our kids' well-being until they turn 18, but then some privacy law is going to give those kids autonomy in their medical treatment -- and like you said, someone with behavioral and mental disorders!!! (keep in mind, I think that what a kid says in therapy should be confidential, unless he's going to harm himself or someone else)

I was telling this to the principals, and I'm not entirely sure they believed me. Then, the psychologist came in to talk with me and she backed me up, saying that this particular psychiatry practice misinterprets the HIPAA laws and they've had a problem with it for a while now. SHE said that when it comes to behavioral/mental health, a parent does have a right to have access to treatment and absolutely can force a child to take meds, including having him hospitalized if he won't. Three cheers for common sense!

 

[anut4disney]