Being the new partner after their divorce

[SonjaSma]

Hello Everyone

I have been dating a man for 2 years and now live with him. He and his ex wife got engaged and honeymooned at Disney. Over 13 years they visited once or twice a year. They started out alone and after having kids made it a family trip. They are DVC members and split it to every other year for each parent. Due to Covid we were unable to use his points due to living in Canada and in lockdown. He and the kids love Disney and it is a topic discussed regularly in our home. I have reservations because he has been so often with memories and experiences with his ex. I will never have a new experience with him and kids there due to the fact they have done it all. I feel that I will always be a memory comparison. I voiced my concerns and he understands them but thinks it is ridiculous because yes he will always have past memories but will also have ones with me which will make it unique. That didn’t make me worry any less so is there Any advice or words of wisdom or do’s and don’t to help me..

 

[nw6675]

Without going into the sordid details, I can just say that I understand both viewpoints. I have been both persons in your scenario.

Past memories are just that- past memories. It isn't a comparison. You are the one in all the new happy memories. I've also found people (men lol) compartmentalize well and memories that may come up may not even have associated feelings with the ex.

Only you can adjust your mindset to embrace the experience and have a positive attitude. He can't say or do much to make you better about the situation. Just you. Don't make it all about you or how you feel, just accept what is in the past and go having the best time ever!

 

[SonjaSma]

Thank you very much for your opinion. I appreciate and understand it..I just hope I can follow through with an open mindset.. it will be hard I’m sure because kids tend to walk down memory lane of their parents together and talk about what they did together or do the “remember when” conversations. I wouldn’t expect them not to or begrudge it.. I just want a vacation (which would be just as much mine as theirs to not be a walk down memory lane..

 

[Rory607]

I’ve never been in that position, but I can imagine it’s a difficult road to travel. But when you are with someone with kids, it is what it is. As the child of divorced parents, I can say that the best thing you can do is let the kids talk about their memories, even if it feels uncomfortable for you. That is their family and I’m sure they’re not doing it to be mean to you. It’s really hard to be in their position, too.

That being said, every Disney trip is different and there are always new experiences! They are including you in a treasured family tradition and you will all be there together. Best of luck!

 

[Kae]

Sounds like you are creating a problem that might not really be there. Maybe go with friends or do a solo trip.

 

[martikus]

Honestly I think you are worrying too much. Trips are usually in the moment. And with kids they are DRASTICALLY different at every age. What your kid enjoys at 4 isn’t remotely what they enjoy at 14 so that alone makes the trips really different.

other than things like “remember when xxx wanted to do 80 times on the tea cups” I can’t imagine there will be much that doesn’t include you. No different than if they had taken a trip with grandparents only and are sharing memories.

You are going to miss out on some fun times and trips if you worry that they already did it once. Instead enjoy things in the moment and creating new memories.

 

[DizneyFamof4]

Honestly I think you are worrying too much. Trips are usually in the moment. And with kids they are DRASTICALLY different at every age. What your kid enjoys at 4 isn’t remotely what they enjoy at 14 so that alone makes the trips really different.

other than things like “remember when xxx wanted to do 80 times on the tea cups” I can’t imagine there will be much that doesn’t include you. No different than if they had taken a trip with grandparents only and are sharing memories.

You are going to miss out on some fun times and trips if you worry that they already did it once. Instead enjoy things in the moment and creating new memories.

I totally agree. Plus, in the last 2 years, there has been new rides and new transportation (skyway) that they have not been on etc. Each trip creates NEW memories. Maybe add a couple days at US to a trip, just to be a bit different.

 

[SonjaSma]

I’ve never been in that position, but I can imagine it’s a difficult road to travel. But when you are with someone with kids, it is what it is. As the child of divorced parents, I can say that the best thing you can do is let the kids talk about their memories, even if it feels uncomfortable for you. That is their family and I’m sure they’re not doing it to be mean to you. It’s really hard to be in their position, too.

That being said, every Disney trip is different and there are always new experiences! They are including you in a treasured family tradition and you will all be there together. Best of luck!

Very true.. I have kids myself but they are older.. no they are not talking to mean at all.. and yes every trip is different for sure and yes together is what is important.. it is totally something I need to get a handle of and I’m doing my best.. it’s not as easy as I was hoping but I’m doing my best to forget about proposals and honeymoons of his past and deal with certain areas we won’t go or rides and restaurants that will not be an option..I’ll learn that my Disney experience won’t be exactly the same but at least I get to go..

 

[SonjaSma]

Sounds like you are creating a problem that might not really be there. Maybe go with friends or do a solo trip.

Yes you may be right and no a solo trip would not be my thing.. My boyfriend would would not understand why and I frankly why start that.. lol

 

[mi*vida*loca]

I had been about 5 times with my XH before my SO and I went the first time together with my kids. He never mentioned the things you have but I thought about him feeling that way. He may have thought about it but he never says anything to me.

There is no way they’ve done everything before. There are new rides and experiences. I made sure we stayed at new to us resorts and tried new restaurants. He had a great time and loved the trip. It was also his first trip (had been once for a day trip). We all enjoyed ourselves.

 

[GinnyBear's_mom]

The memories they have with their parents together are, I'm sure, not all happy ones- the children went through something traumatic when their parents split and reminiscing about the good times should be encouraged.

For the last 12 years we've gone once or twice a year with our kids and still feel like we haven't seen everything! We love revisting family favorite attractions and restaurants but we always add new things to try too. If they didn't go last year they probably haven't been on Mickey & Minnie's Runaway Railway, explored all of Galaxy's Edge, stayed at Riviera, eaten at Topolino's, Regal Eagle or had a cookie from Gideon's. Space 220, Remy's, Guardians of the Galaxy and the Tron coaster will be opening at some point over the next year or so, plenty of things to try together for the first time and make new memories. Get the kids involved with the planning, ask them their must do's and what new things they want to try. We watch a few Disney vloggers to prep our kids for our trips- watch them with the kids to get them excited about new things as well as talk about old favorites and why they like them.

 

[Rory607]

Very true.. I have kids myself but they are older.. no they are not talking to mean at all.. and yes every trip is different for sure and yes together is what is important.. it is totally something I need to get a handle of and I’m doing my best.. it’s not as easy as I was hoping but I’m doing my best to forget about proposals and honeymoons of his past and deal with certain areas we won’t go or rides and restaurants that will not be an option..I’ll learn that my Disney experience won’t be exactly the same but at least I get to go..

Why are certain rides and restaurants not an option? Are they just things they don’t enjoy? Because you deserve a say in the vacation, too. Have you been to Disney before? If so, make sure you make sure you voice your opinion on things you enjoy when you’re there. If not, go online or look through guidebooks and choose things that interest you. If they’re not willing to compromise with you, that would be upsetting.

I am not divorced, but if I were and eventually had a new SO, I would want to go to Disney and make new memories with them! I’m willing to bet that’s how your boyfriend is feeling. He just enjoys Disney! He is probably excited to experience it with you.

 

[Elephantay]

I'm sorry you're worried about it...but, I don't really think you will never have a new experience there with them. Yes there's a history of past trips, and there will likely be some must-do favorites and possibly stories and memories will come up. But if you are committed to moving forward with this family that will be a part of a lot of things you do together.
It's a fresh start. You can create new memories and do lots of new things or start a new tradition...The kids will be processing their family split for a long time, but kids also live in the moment and new experiences presented with joy and excitement can go a long way to help you all bond and enjoy a vacation together. Hopefully you can help your boyfriend understand your perspective and feelings. Maybe state them in a way that encourages positivity? Use humor? If you say okay lets each think of finding a new snack this trip - the dole whips and churros are a given!...Or start by asking everyone a must do at every park- so they know you are listening and care what they want- and then decide together which park will be the late night ice cream for dinner park,, or whatever. Add something to the trip...Disney offers much-loved experiences and also new ones every time.

 

[SonjaSma]

I totally agree. Plus, in the last 2 years, there has been new rides and new transportation (skyway) that they have not been on etc. Each trip creates NEW memories. Maybe add a couple days at US to a trip, just to be a bit different.

You are not wrong and I am trying very hard to forget about proposals, honeymoons and accept that there will be certain places, restaurants and rides that won’t get to experience..

I had been about 5 times with my XH before my SO and I went the first time together with my kids. He never mentioned the things you have but I thought about him feeling that way. He may have thought about it but he never says anything to me.

There is no way they’ve done everything before. There are new rides and experiences. I made sure we stayed at new to us resorts and tried new restaurants. He had a great time and loved the trip. It was also his first trip (had been once for a day trip). We all enjoyed ourselves.

I’m so happy to hear this.. he has been every year for 15 years and sometimes twice a year.. I do know that Hollywood Studio Star Wars is going to be newer for him for sure.. the kids have also been going at least 13 years..
I also will not bring up all my concerns to him.. I mentioned it once just to hear his response.. I’m not going to make an issue of it openly.. I was just asking for any advice..
I get it is my issue and will deal with it..

 

[mi*vida*loca]

You are not wrong and I am trying very hard to forget about proposals, honeymoons and accept that there will be certain places, restaurants and rides that won’t get to experience..

I’m so happy to hear this.. he has been every year for 15 years and sometimes twice a year.. I do know that Hollywood Studio Star Wars is going to be newer for him for sure.. the kids have also been going at least 13 years..
I also will not bring up all my concerns to him.. I mentioned it once just to hear his response.. I’m not going to make an issue of it openly.. I was just asking for any advice..
I get it is my issue and will deal with it..

my kids were 15 and 9 when we went with my SO. They were so excited to show him all the things they loved. When they’d show him something they loved to see his reaction. They’d watch him in certain rides to see his expressions, especially seeing the castle for the first time. They were thrilled to take him to Chef Mickey’s. It was really cute.

Have you ever been before?

 

[KathyTX]

His ex-wife is part of his story, and will always be part of who his KIDS are. Being jealous of her and her place in their lives is not going to work out well for you. You need to try to grow past the feelings of jealousy and competition. The kids need to feel free to talk about her and about memories from their lives and their past if you want to be part of their future. If you think this relationship is permanent, can you find it in yourself to try to become friends with her?

 

[SonjaSma]

Why are certain rides and restaurants not an option? Are they just things they don’t enjoy? Because you deserve a say in the vacation, too. Have you been to Disney before? If so, make sure you make sure you voice your opinion on things you enjoy when you’re there. If not, go online or look through guidebooks and choose things that interest you. If they’re not willing to compromise with you, that would be upsetting.

I am not divorced, but if I were and eventually had a new SO, I would want to go to Disney and make new memories with them! I’m willing to bet that’s how your boyfriend is feeling. He just enjoys Disney! He is probably excited to experience it with you.

Yes there are restaurants that he does not want to go to.. it is reminder of proposal and ex I believe.. yes I’m a Disney virgin.. lol
The kids have been to Disney every year since birth.. in 2019 they went twice.. once with dad in Sept ( I didn’t go because that was the first trip since parental spit) I wanted them to get the first experience at Disney since the spit out of the way. It was hard for them but good that they did it.. they also went with their mom in March..
My bf loves Disney and I’m sure is happy to show me everything. I’ll be good with whatever he wants to experience with me..
the kids are ( this may sound weird) but have been so often that they don’t seem to care about the trips anymore.. it’s become almost second hand and not as magical anymore .. but either way it will be I’ll enjoy what ever my experience will be

 

[TexanMinnie]

Why not create new traditions at Disney with him? I would suggest asking what Disney attractions, events, parties, or restaurants he hasn’t been to and make it a point to do or try something new. Having been divorced myself and returning for the first time since my divorce with my new significant other, I was dying to make new memories! Yes, I had previous traditions and memories, but I was more than willing to try new things and to share special moments with my new guy.

 

[SonjaSma]

my kids were 15 and 9 when we went with my SO. They were so excited to show him all the things they loved. When they’d show him something they loved to see his reaction. They’d watch him in certain rides to see his expressions, especially seeing the castle for the first time. They were thrilled to take him to Chef Mickey’s. It was really cute.

Have you ever been before?

No I have not and yes they all want to show me stuff.. in the same breath as they say they want to show me they say how their mom was with the similar experience.. again I’m happy they are comfortable talking about it I just don’t want my first trip to Disney being a walk down memory lane ..

 

[a1tinkfans]

I’d just push thru it knowing that you ll be making New, Memorable Memories of ur own family adventure... you can’t change their memories nor want to, but you Can change the way you respond to the situation.
pixie dust ur way... you got this, it’s Disney after all!