Becoming a Stay at Home Mom

[flexsmom]

Have you considered offering tutor services? For what we pay tutors, you'd more than cover a few hours of a sitter's time and would keep something "fresh" on your résumé to not have a gap in time when and if you decide to go back full time some day.

Good luck with your decision! I'm sure you'll find the right balance!

 

[Mrs.Malone]

If you have the money to support yourselves on one income, I don't understand sticking with a job because it gives you time with your kids over actually being with your kids. Once you pay for daycare, ($300-400/w for newborns in my neighbourhood) how much are you actually making? In a teaching job, I can't imagine it being enough to justify all the disruption.




This made me laugh. As a former daycare worker, I say with kindness that you probably do miss 90% of the milestones, we just have the heart to hand over your precious baby at the end of the day and say "ooooh, I think little Susie is going to walk/talk/roll over/whatever any second now!!!", when they've been doing it all day.
OP, I think you'd find there are many more people who regret not being able to stay home, than regret staying home. You have so many years to work, even if it means climbing the ladder again. Your baby is only a baby once. Good luck with everything!

I had to laugh at the bolded. When I worked in childcare, we did this ALL the time too. Just a small kindness for moms' and dads' hearts.

 

[Christine]

I had to laugh at the bolded. When I worked in childcare, we did this ALL the time too. Just a small kindness for moms' and dads' hearts.

My daycare folks weren't "kind." They told me if milestones happened there. I didn't mind at all. I guess I don't require that kind of fooling.

 

[HM]

This made me laugh. As a former daycare worker, I say with kindness that you probably do miss 90% of the milestones, we just have the heart to hand over your precious baby at the end of the day and say "ooooh, I think little Susie is going to walk/talk/roll over/whatever any second now!!!", when they've been doing it all day.

I can certainly see this happening.

 

[StitchesGr8Fan]

I'm on maternity leave now. My husband and I talked about it, and me returning to work is the best thing for our family in the long run for several reasons.

My daughter will be staying with her grandparents. They are older, so I don't know how many years she will have with them. This gives her a good chance to spend time with them.

If I didn't work, we couldn't afford to give her any extras. We would be stuck at home unable to afford gas to go anywhere or pay for enrichment activities like trips to the zoo or classes. Even at home we would be limited with no TV or Internet, no new toys or books, and trips to the library would be limited, again because of gas. So her only enrichment and entertainment would be me. With me working we can afford to do things with her to make memories and help her learn.

Neither my husband or I get a pension, so we have to save for our own retirement. If I don't work we can't save enough of his salary to retire on, and we agree it is not right of us to rely on our daughter to support us in our retirement. I'd hate to make all these memories with her now, just to have them wiped out with her last memories with us being of her supporting us financially because we didn't save enough money. That's not fair to her. She isn't our retirement plan.

There are a lot of things to consider when you become a stay at home mom or dad. In our case it doesn't work. But for the OP it could be great. My only advice is to try and look at the whole picture without emotion, and think of the implications 10, 20, and 30 years from now.

 

[Mrs.Malone]

My daycare folks weren't "kind." They told me if milestones happened there. I didn't mind at all. I guess I don't require that kind of fooling.

When I was young, a mom asked me at drop-off in the morning to try very hard not to let her baby take his first steps that day. Well, baby boy couldn't be stopped and in fact, he took lots of steps. I excitedly told mom and she was mad! It was her 2nd or 3rd child and all of them had taken their first steps in childcare. I felt bad.

 

[Christine]

When I was young, a mom asked me at drop-off in the morning to try very hard not to let her baby take his first steps that day. Well, baby boy couldn't be stopped and in fact, he took lots of steps. I excitedly told mom and she was mad! It was her 2nd or 3rd child and all of them had taken their first steps in childcare. I felt bad.

Well, that's just ridiculous, on many levels.

As a working parent, I knew I would not see every moment of their lives and, honestly, that just never bothered me anyone. I never had to be witness to every thing. I'm just happy for my kids to know that they were progressing and doing what they were supposed to. If it happened with the daycare providers, or with Grandma, or with Aunt Thelma, it was all good. I still got to see them walk, roll over, do whatever. I guess I just don't have those control issues where *I* need to be the one to see "the very first thing." That just seems a little odd to me.

 

[Dizneefamily+4]

When my ds12 was born, I stayed working, but my employer at the time allowed me to adjust my hours to leave a bit earlier each day. We were very lucky as far as child car goes - my in-laws watched ds for us. Dh is a teacher, so summers were covered. Fast forward 4 years later to when dd8 was born. My in-laws were now watching my ds (who was now 4 and in preschool part time) and my niece who was 15 months old. We were toying with the idea of me staying home so as not to burden my in-laws with a 3rd child, but I too was really scared to make the leap - especially looking to the future when I'd have to go back to work and whether or not I'd be able to find anything.

I finally asked my father in law how he would feel about watching a third child- and I wanted honesty. He told me at the time that his doctor told him he needed a break. That was the deciding factor and I did quit my full-time job. It was very hard telling my boss - I worked in a non-profit Association that only employed 6 people and we were like family, but she understood.

I was lucky enough at the time to find and get hired for an 11 hour per week job at our local library as a clerk. I wasn't looking for it at all, but when I took dd to story time, I saw the posting and decided to apply - more for me to just get out of the house a few hours/week.

When dd8 went to kindergarten, I was still working at the library for those 11 hours. I also, for the heck of it, applied for a 25 hour/week job at our local Housing Authority and got it. I loved the library, and didn't want to quit it so, I was then back to working 25 hours at the Housing Authority and 11 at the library - almost full time - all within a block of my kids' school. It wasn't even the plan for me to go back to work until dd was in 1st grade, but I felt that I had to take the opportunity - especially given the job market.

Now fast forward another 2 years, which puts at last October. The full time librarian that managed our branch decided to retire. I was hired to replace her. I quit the Housing Authority and am now working at a job I love and within a block of my kids' schools.

It turns out that in the long run, quitting to become a SAHM was the best thing that could've happened for us. Did we have to pinch pennies a bit more for those 5 years? Yes, but it was so worth it and it all worked out in the end!

Sorry for the lengthy post and best of luck in your decision!!

 

[Chikabowa]

We knew early on in our relationship (we had the convo on Christmas Day after dating for 2.5 months!) about how we wanted to structure out family. It wasn't a question of stepping out of the work force for me, it was about what kind of life together we wanted to create.

We've been married 10.5 years and my oldest just turned 7. I stopped working about 6 weeks before she was born.

In that time, I opened my own business, and wah. I bring in a hefty chunk of "fun" money through that (and by "fun" i mean my retirement fund, kids college fund, and some vacation money). Our schedule gives us the flexibility we absolutely need to keep my dh career afloat. I volunteer for a lot of projects and seem to keep myself massively busy 100% of the time. So much so that my dh made a comment a few weeks ago (right before an event I planned - volunteer) that after it was done he "finally get my wife back."

Anyway... Like I said for us it was about structuring our life together in a very controlled and thoughtful manner. We've always lived on one salary, so that was something we were used to doing even before I quit full time out of home work. Even though we could have purchased a much larger and fancier house, using my income, we chose a much more modest and affordable house in anticipation of the life we wanted.

At this point I absolutely do not regret my decision. Granted I don't have the benefit of being 65 with life and 20/20 hindsight telling me I made a mistake... But I honestly find that our choices have been the right ones for our family and our particular situation. My dh would tell you that his successes have been directly tied to knowing that his family was taken care of at home, and his long absences and long work hours would have never of worked had we tried to rely on traditional daycare situations.

 

[Colleen27]

For me, it was a no brainer. I had a job that was career-track but that I didn't love, we were already paying a third of my income for childcare for our oldest and looking into private schools because we didn't want to send him to the public school where we were living, our second child was on the way, and we were stressed to our limits trying to find a home that we could afford in a good school district and nice neighborhood. Something had to give.

Then we talked to a friend who was in the process of preparing his MIL's home for sale, as she'd moved into assisted living. The house was perfect for us, under budget and in an excellent school system, but too far from the city for me to commute. I gave my notice the same day our offer on the house was accepted, and we moved in 3 months before our middle child was born and 4 months before the oldest started school.

Here we are, 15 years later, and I have no regrets. There have been things we couldn't do that we might have been able to with a second income, but there have also been many things we've done that we probably couldn't have if I was less available at home. Our third child started K this year and we have no plans for me to go back to work in any traditional sense in the foreseeable future. It would have been a much more difficult choice if I'd been in a career I loved at the start, though - knowing I didn't want to go back made it easier to walk away.

 

[Christine]

At this point I absolutely do not regret my decision. Granted I don't have the benefit of being 65 with life and 20/20 hindsight telling me I made a mistake... But I honestly find that our choices have been the right ones for our family and our particular situation. My dh would tell you that his successes have been directly tied to knowing that his family was taken care of at home, and his long absences and long work hours would have never of worked had we tried to rely on traditional daycare situations.

The funny part is....I think in most cases, no matter which way you choose, you have no regrets. I've talked to women on both sides of the fence (working and SAHM) and in hindsight all have been pretty happy with their choice. At least in my circle, I haven't heard ONE woman express regret on either side. As I said upthread, the closest I've come to hearing it is either:

1. From the SAHM: Wow, it's going to take us a long time to recover financially and get our retirement accounts where they should be and I'm trying to get back in the workforce, but it was worth it, my kids were so happy to have me home and things just ran better at home; OR

2. From the Working Mom: Working full time and having XXX kids in daycare and all the running around was really stressful for us and, oh the days of a having a sick child and no leave, but I'm glad I made it through that period and stayed in my career because I'm very happy on this end of it and my kids are happy.

 

[Teresa Pitman]

I think in the end you need to follow your heart. Everyone is different. You can crunch the numbers and make lists of pros and cons, but in the end the best option for me might not be the same as the best option for you.

I opted to stay home with my children, even though money in our family was very tight. After 12 years at home, my marriage broke up, and I needed to support my children. Was I at a disadvantage financially because I'd been at home for 12 years? Yes. Do I regret it? Not for one second.

From my perspective, childhood is short. Soon enough they are grown and gone (I know, I'm a grandma now). I just wanted to be with them as much as possible during those early years.

TP

 

[Darcy03231]

If you decide to do this make sure your husband has a substantial life insurance policy and a good disability insurance policy.

I work in a law firm and you have no idea how many women who have become stay at home moms end up in our office after a husband's death or disability trying to figure out the financial nightmare their life has become.

 

[bdcp]

When I was young, a mom asked me at drop-off in the morning to try very hard not to let her baby take his first steps that day. Well, baby boy couldn't be stopped and in fact, he took lots of steps. I excitedly told mom and she was mad! It was her 2nd or 3rd child and all of them had taken their first steps in childcare. I felt bad.

I have a friend who has done daycare in her home for 32 years. She raised her own three boys and homeschooled them and now has several boys and girls all day, some rotate in and out in the summer. She makes pretty good money too. She never, ever told the parents when a child walked, talked, etc because she had seen too many moms get so upset when they found out their babies did those things at the day car providers first. She also nipped it in the bud when her day care kids called her mommy which they ALL did at some point. So, anyone who thinks they didn't miss their child's milestones, it's because the daycare provider didn't tell them to protect their feelings.

 

[tinatark]

Maybe your school system would think "out of the box" -

A couple of my friends are elementary age teachers - they "share" the school year - alternate semesters.

Our football coach works a half-year. Teaches driver's ed, coaches football the first semester then is off the rest of the school year.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Hi All,

Not too long ago in April we had our first baby. I have had a rough time going back to work and both Dh and I have been really feeling overwhelmed with everything that comes with working and being parents. I have been considering becoming a stay at home mom and DH has gotten a raise recently which would allow this to be possible. Now that we have both agreed that this is what we can do though I am having a rough time with the thought of quitting my job. I am a teacher and it is not easy to get a teaching job and it is at a school that I enjoy. It is a scary thought to quit and not be able to go back and have a job immediately. However, I think it would be best for all of us if I stayed at home and when I am home with DS I enjoy it immensely.

How did any of you decide to become a stay at home mom? Was it tough turning in your resignation letter or how did you decide to make the transition?

I do have a small business that I can and plan to work on part time at home if I stay at home.

If I had a job I loved, I wouldn't do it. I have been a stay at home mom for the most part with no lasting career. I am now looking for work and it stinks.

Now staying at home is great and wonderful however being overwhelmed with your kid never ends whether you are working or staying at home.

Good Luck with your decision.

 

[Princess Leia]

I personally wouldn't give up a job I loved. I have combined full-time teaching with my family. My children are now 12 and 8. I am now a Head Teacher (principal). We enjoy lots of fun times together. My children appreciate that me being out working is what pays for the treats such as holidays to Disney. Remember very soon your child will be full- time at school. It can be hard to work out what is right for you but teaching is a great job to combine with a family.

 

[2disneyboys]

I struggled with infertility for 4 years before I conceived my first and another 2 years before I conceived my 2nd. I was in a career that I loved. Financally, we would have been ok to be SAHM or Working Mom.. either way would work. DH & I had many discussions on it. I prayed about it. I wrote pro's & con's lists. I researched it. When it came down to it, it worked better *for me* to continue in my career. My oldest is now 13 and my baby is 10 and I don't regret for a minute my choice.

I will say even knowing that the plan was for me to return to work, those first few weeks were terrible. I didn't want to leave the baby, I didn't want to have to worry about what everyone @ work thought was a big deal (I mean, don't they know there's a new baby in the world and why be so concerned with a huge auto accident...!!! ) It WAS an adjustment and looking back, yes, I know there are things I missed, but I don't regret my choice.

There is no wrong or right answer and I'm not going to try and convenience you or anyone else on why being a working mom works for me. It just does. What I can say is to make sure you are prepared. Financally, Mentally, etc for whatever option you feel works best for you. I do suggest you not react when your tired, frustrated or still settling in. Best of luck to you on whatever you deceide. The end result is your family being happy and that's what is important.

 

[marcyinPA]

I hadn't planned on being a SAHM. I even had childcare all lined up for when my DS was born. But, 6 weeks came around, and I could NOT do it. My DH did not have a high paying job either. We lived on about $20K a year- owned a small row house in the city, drove old cars, etc. Didn't qualify for any kind of help back then- this was 18 years ago.

I worked some "odd jobs"- worked the Santa photo booth and the Easter Bunny photo booth at the local mall for a couple of seasons, stuff like that. I also got my real estate license and sold real estate very very part time when my youngest DS was 2. But if I wasn't home with my boys, my DH was.

I had my second DS when my oldest was 4, and went to work when he was in first grade. Ended up subbing for a while, and then started teaching in a private preschool, where I am today. I do not make a ton of money, and we will probably never retire. But, I would not trade those 11 years home with my boys for anything. We don't have all of the fancy gadgets and the big huge house and all that stuff that some of my friends have, but I have no regrets about the choices we made. None.

 

[keri125]

I have nothing to add in the way of advice or opinions that other posters haven't covered already, but I just wanted to say that reading this thread was a pleasure. As anyone who follows societal "discussions" knows (at least here in the USA), the SAHM vs. working mother debate can get very heated and judgemental. I think everyone here has been very polite and non-judgemental, just posting what has worked for them and advice along the lines of "You'll figure out what is best for you, just make sure to research the future needs as well as the immediate needs." You all rock!