Because I Said So

[va32h]

Is there an age past which this, alone, is not a valid reason to give your child?

I certainly believe that it is a parent's prerogative to say "because I said so", I have said it to my own children, and quite honestly, sometimes a rule is so arbitrary, that "I said so" really is the reason.

But I do think that after a certain age, it's demeaning to a child to tell them "No" without offering some kind of explanation. Not that they should need the explanation in order to obey, but as a matter of courtesy/respect.

For example, my 10 year old daughter wants to stay home alone when I run errands. Ten is the "magic age" around here, where it is legal to leave them alone for short periods, and several of her friends stay home alone on school holidays or after school.

For the most part, I have not permitted this. Once - I left her for about 10 minutes, while I picked up a prescription.

But of course she asks why, and rather than just say "because I said so", I gave her specific reasons - examples of things that had happened that demonstrated that she didn't quite have the reasoning skills and maturity to be left unsupervised for long periods of time.

However there is another school of parenting thought that says children should obey, period. And giving them a reason weakens your authority and makes it appear that you are asking your child to comply, or negotiating their behavior.

Your thoughts?

 

[JunieJay]

My mother and father never said that to me (even though it was definately common in that era for parents to say that to their children). I've never said it to my kids. I want my kids to understand without a shadow of a doubt why I am making certain decisions, so the next time the subject come up there won't be any confusion about the matter. Don't get me wrong, sometimes they STILL don't like the decision I've made, but at least they understand a little more than "because I said so".

I heard some parent say to their kid in the store the other day (not wearing Heelies, suprisingly ), "I brought you in this world, I'll take you out, now do what I say because I say so". Its no wonder her kid was acting like an out of control brat....what person, children or adult, would respond favorably to that sort of thing?

 

[minkydog]

I don't negotiate with my children, however as they get older I do share my reasoning with them. I hope it will help them make their own decisions eventually. Even as teens there are times when I say "because I said so." Children do not have all the information they need to make an informed decision--that's why they have parents. I have had to teach my kids that if i say no, there is a good reason behind it. They don't have to agree with it, but my No will stand. For the most part, they go along. It's easier than trying to wear me down. I'm a tough old bird.

 

[Tinijocaro]

While I think it would be nice to give my ds11 the dignity of a reason for all my decision, that just opens the door for him to argue against my reasons. 'Where your helmet" "Mom- I'm not going to have an accident, I've never had one beofre, and only stupid bike riders have accidents...." This kid will argue EVERYTHING I say to him if I let him, so usually, the answer is 'Because I said so" He's a smart kid, knows the real reasons behind just about all my decisions concerning him. It's just that it's his job in life right now to argue and challenge everything I say.

Is there an age past which this, alone, is not a valid reason to give your child?

I certainly believe that it is a parent's prerogative to say "because I said so", I have said it to my own children, and quite honestly, sometimes a rule is so arbitrary, that "I said so" really is the reason.

But I do think that after a certain age, it's demeaning to a child to tell them "No" without offering some kind of explanation. Not that they should need the explanation in order to obey, but as a matter of courtesy/respect.

For example, my 10 year old daughter wants to stay home alone when I run errands. Ten is the "magic age" around here, where it is legal to leave them alone for short periods, and several of her friends stay home alone on school holidays or after school.

For the most part, I have not permitted this. Once - I left her for about 10 minutes, while I picked up a prescription.

But of course she asks why, and rather than just say "because I said so", I gave her specific reasons - examples of things that had happened that demonstrated that she didn't quite have the reasoning skills and maturity to be left unsupervised for long periods of time.

However there is another school of parenting thought that says children should obey, period. And giving them a reason weakens your authority and makes it appear that you are asking your child to comply, or negotiating their behavior.

Your thoughts?

 

[Am_I_There_Yet]

Not only did I grow up hearing that one, I also got "Do as I say and not as I do" and "As long as you live under my roof..." and my all time favorite when none of their negotiation skills worked, "If you don't stop crying, I'll give you something to cry about."

I know this isn't quite on topic, but thought I'd pass it on anyway, because it brought back some memories!

 

[TheGoofster]

As long as my child lives under my roof, that will be a valid reason.
Sure, as they get older we explain things to them, and as teens our relationship will definately change, but that doesn't change the fact that as a parent, there are times when a simple "Because I said so" is all that is needed. It is also good for the child. Often times in life, whether at work or even worse in the military, your child might get an order from a superior, with the only explanation being "because I said so". If your child has learned to obey, simply because he is supposed to, he will do better. But if your child refuses to obey, unless an explanation is given, he might have a harder time.
For example:
Sergeant - OK recruit give me 20 laps!!!
Kid - Why sergeant?
Sergeant - WHAT!!! Because I said so, now make it 40!!!
or
Boss - I need you to get this report done right now.
kid - Why?
Boss - because I said so! I am the boss, and you are the employee, get it?

 

[frndofpooh]

When my first son was little, I explained waaaaay too much. A little "because I said so" would have been a good thing. Then, as he got older (say, 4-7). I definitely threw in the "because I said so" conversation stopper more and overall I think it was a good thing. Fair or not, it does help reinforce who's in charge around here. Now, he's almost 10 and I will explain my decisions more often to him if he asks. The decisions are final, but he gets to know why more often than he used to.

 

[DisneyAddict_M]

I use it when I don't feel like explaining myself.

 

[ducklite]

As your kids get older, it's good to give them a reason. I think it helps them to learn reasoning skills. Unfortuntaly it often also gives them the opportunity to try to chink away at your reasoning by making it into a debate.

Now and then I find myself in this situation with my 20 year old son, and throw my hands up in the air and say "Because I said so and I'm the meanest mommy in the whole wide world!" (Um, no you can't have 40 of your best friends over to watch a basketball game on ESPN that doesn't even start until 10:00 pm on a Tuesday night.)

At that point he knows he's not going to win.

Anne

 

[minnieandme]

As long as my child lives under my roof, that will be a valid reason.
Sure, as they get older we explain things to them, and as teens our relationship will definately change, but that doesn't change the fact that as a parent, there are times when a simple "Because I said so" is all that is needed. It is also good for the child. Often times in life, whether at work or even worse in the military, your child might get an order from a superior, with the only explanation being "because I said so". If your child has learned to obey, simply because he is supposed to, he will do better. But if your child refuses to obey, unless an explanation is given, he might have a harder time.
For example:
Sergeant - OK recruit give me 20 laps!!!
Kid - Why sergeant?
Sergeant - WHAT!!! Because I said so, now make it 40!!!
or
Boss - I need you to get this report done right now.
kid - Why?
Boss - because I said so! I am the boss, and you are the employee, get it?

ITA. The funny thing is that I vowed to never sound like my mom when I had kids. It must be written in the handbook of motherhood.

 

[RickinNYC]

I didn't realize that the phrase was for children. I use it on Joe all the time.

 

[irishbosoxfan]

Because I said so-should be reason enough. We are the adults and shouldn't have to explain our reasonings and thought processes to a child.

We are the authority figures and have perfectly valid reasons for telling them something. If they push for you to explain yourself and you do then they have controlled the situation,not you.

My rules are the only rules and they will be obeyed. Regardless of why I made them.

 

[irishbosoxfan]

I didn't realize that the phrase was for children. I use it on Joe all the time.

But see that's the best part of them--they work regardless of person or situation!!

 

[Tinijocaro]

irish- I'm guessing you don't have kids yet. Correct me if I'm wrong.

 

[remyandhollandsmommy]

I think 8 must be the magic number around here to start explaining rather than just saying "I said So".

A few weeks ago Remy asked why she couldn't go to the park next door to play. Rather than explain to her that there was a layer of ice over the snow and it was dangerous (I was in the middle of cooking dinner)..I simply said "because I said so". Her reply? "Mom, when I get 18 and move to college CAN I JUST SAY SO?!" I had to laugh and then just explained about the ice. Now I just tell her why not.

 

[irishbosoxfan]

irish- I'm guessing you don't have kids yet. Correct me if I'm wrong.

Actually I have 4.

 

[Aidensmom]

I use it when I don't feel like explaining myself.

I use it when explaining myself would be too much for my son to fully comprehend and would lead into some argument on his behalf.

For example:

DS: "Can I jump off the top of the slide?"
Me: "No."
DS: "Why, I will be careful, nothing hurts me."
Me: "Because I said so."

Otherwise the conversation would go like this:

DS: "Can I jump off the top of the slide?"
Me: "No."
DS: "Why, I will be careful, nothing hurts me."
Me: "I know you will be careful, but there is a good chance you could get hurt."
DS: "I won't get hurt, nothing hurts me."
Me: "There are things that can hurt you, you just haven't gotten very hurt because I don't let you do some stuff."
DS: "What stuff won't you let me do?"

And on and on and on and on.

So to answer the OP, I think the right time to stop using that phrase is when your child is capable of truly understanding the explanation. I think that varies greatly by child.

 

[Gone Disney]

I've never said that to my kids. I always give them a reason, some reasons may be brief but always a reason. I have two reasons why I do this, the first is becasue I like to hear the reason to know that I have a valid reason and the second is becasue they may not understand why and then they make up a reason like because you hate me.

Least that's how we do it here.

 

[meandtheguys2]

I use it to end a conversation. Or when immediate obedience is absolutely important. And my kids know that.

I don't use it randomly, but sometimes the situation has been thoroughly explained, and they just don't like the outcome.

And, by immediate obedience, I mean sometimes there truly isn't time to discuss the reason. That isn't to say I won't explain once we are in the car, etc. During emergencies, I'm very good at completing tasks, but need to put all thought into it, and need them to just do as they're told for the time being.

 

[1Prince2Princesses]

I use it to end a conversation. Or when immediate obedience is absolutely important. And my kids know that.

I don't use it randomly, but sometimes the situation has been thoroughly explained, and they just don't like the outcome.

And, by immediate obedience, I mean sometimes there truly isn't time to discuss the reason. That isn't to say I won't explain once we are in the car, etc. During emergencies, I'm very good at completing tasks, but need to put all thought into it, and need them to just do as their told for the time being.

This is true in my house as well. In a normal situation, when I say no, there is always a "why?" (which is always true, or there would be no need for an I told you so to begin with). I give one brief explanation. If more argument follows, I engage the evil death glare. Example:

Son: Mom, can I ride my 4-wheeler to the store?
Me: NO
Son: Why not?
Me: Because it's against the law to ride it on the highway.
Son: I'll ride it on the side of the road and be really really careful!
Me:

Works for us!