Because I Said So

[DISUNC]

I am 47, and my Mom STILL says this too me!

 

[Serena]

I still say it.

When my kids were little I used to explain things. But my children are smart, and I'd be explaining for 20 minutes. I got tired of it and just started saying, because I said so. They didn't like it, but I did. Now that they are 21 and 15, I will explain only if I feel like it.

 

[Keli]

I do think children should be given a reason for responses given by parents but as others have stated that phrase is often handy to end an argument when the child knows good and well the reason for the negative parental response.

So I would think nothing of hearing the parent of a teenager say it.

 

[KirstenB]

I think "because I said so" while frustrating to the child, is perfectly reasonable in certain situations.

Suppose your child has a friend who is just a bad kid for them to hang around. You walk the fine line between subtly discouraging the friendship and banning the child altogether, (thus making your kid want to hang around them even more)

Your kid: Can I go to Joe's today
You: No, I'm sorry today won't work, maybe some other time.

Example 2

Your kid: Can I go to Joe's today
You: No, I've seen Joe's MySpace. He brags about drinking every weekend, has wrecked 2 of his parents' cars, and wants to be the next "Girls Gone Wild" producer. He's a bad influence.



Example 1 saves everyone's dignity. Example 2 pisses your kid off, and he probably calls Joe and tells him about it, then lies to you, and hangs out with Joe anyway.

 

[va32h]

As long as my child lives under my roof, that will be a valid reason.
Sure, as they get older we explain things to them, and as teens our relationship will definately change, but that doesn't change the fact that as a parent, there are times when a simple "Because I said so" is all that is needed. It is also good for the child. Often times in life, whether at work or even worse in the military, your child might get an order from a superior, with the only explanation being "because I said so". If your child has learned to obey, simply because he is supposed to, he will do better. But if your child refuses to obey, unless an explanation is given, he might have a harder time.
For example:
Sergeant - OK recruit give me 20 laps!!!
Kid - Why sergeant?
Sergeant - WHAT!!! Because I said so, now make it 40!!!
or
Boss - I need you to get this report done right now.
kid - Why?
Boss - because I said so! I am the boss, and you are the employee, get it?

I get what you're saying - believe me I do. But I also think that there is a danger in children being too compliant.

There was a story on 20/20 recently, about an 18 year old girl working at McDonald's who was stripped and sexually assaulted for three hours by her boss and her boss' boyfriend.

http://abcnews.go.com/Primetime/story?id=1297922&page=1

Bizarrely enough, the manager also claims she was just "obeying authority", a voice on the phone who claimed to be a police officer.

Neither the victim or the manager seemed to be able to stop and think "I don't have to do this just because someone tells me to."

Even in the military, soldiers are not required to follow an unjust order.

I also think that "giving reasons" is valuable because it shows children that mommy really does know what she's talking about, she doesn't just make this stuff up.

There are some rules that, if they are broken, will only resulting in mommy being unhappy - for example, if my son forgets to make his bed. The reason for making the bed is because I said so, and if he doesn't do it, I will be unhappy and he won't get to play outside.

But there are other rules, like not running away from mommy in the parking lot, or not answering the door to a stranger, that could have far worse consquences than just mommy being mad. The reason for those rules is because I said so and because they could be hit by a car or let a dangerous person into the house. If those rules are broken, somebody could get very badly hurt.

I think it's to my advantage to give that extra motivation so that when kids behave like kids and "forget" the rules, they will hopefully choose to "forget" one of the critical ones.

Obviously there are different responses to different children - my girls are 3 and 10, and I don't treat them the same way in hardly any matters of discipline.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Your thoughts?

Well....my dad said it all the time, along with this is not a democracy.

I have said many things over the years... Now they are 10 & 15, they really don't ask "why"?
Generally we are pretty to the point with everything so there is no "grey area"....
We all talk to much.

 

[Freyja]

In my opinion it´s never valid reasoning and I never use it with my kids.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I say....

"different houses have different rules and the rule in our house is ___________."

If you wish to give an explanation...then do so...."This is our rule b/c ___________"


I used this just off the top of my head last week when my daughter asked why her friend had a tv in her room and she didn't. I just said "b/c _____'s house has different rules" and woudln't you know it--she was cool with that answer. She is only 6 though.

 

[disneymom3]

I grew up with "because I said so" and "as long as you live in my house...." That one was never used with me, but my sister got it a lot!

I agree with the OP that there are times and circumstances when it is appropriate to give an explanation. I personally will only explain once in any given conversation. I also use "Because I am the mommy and I do not think that is a good idea." (Or something along those lines which is basically the same thing.) I have also explained to my 10 yo that DH and I do not have to justify our decisions to her.

However, there are times when I will explain especially if we are talking about things that are safety issues. It is like telling a baby, "Don't touch. Hot." You don't just tell them the not touching part, but give them a reason they don't want to. It helps them to form good judgement and draw inferences about other dangerous situations. Things like, "Can I have so and so over?" When they get a no, today is not a good day and are followed with Why, do get a because I said so.

 

[Daxx]

I remember hearing somewhere ... maybe Nanny 911 or Dr. Phil or some other crackpot show ... that you shouldn't tell your child "Because I said so". You're supposed to give them a definite reason why. IE: "You shouldn't jump on the couch because you could hit your head on the floor and die -- do you want to die?". So, I have tried to make this work. But sometimes you can't think of a super reason and just want to say "Because I said so!".

Instead of "because I said so", I've used "Because I have far more wisdom and life experience than you do and I realize many of the possible outcomes that you haven't begun to think about!" That usually confuses the daylights out of him and he can't remember what the whole discussion was about to begin with. Works for me.

 

[Cool-Beans]

As a kid, I hated "Because I said so." Swore I'd never say it. I was going to explain things to my children and they, understanding the logic and trusting me to always have their well-being in my heart, would accept the decisions.

HA! Ha ha ha ha HA!

They turned into beasts who argued and debated my well-thought-out decisions. They reasoned that my logic was faulty and that I was unfair, mean, and even "lame." They wanted what they wanted, stood their ground and weren't going to back down.

The first time I heard myself say "Because I said so" I could hardly believe I'd uttered the phrase. But after answering question after arguing-question, knowing that he was not about to give up, it just came out. "Because I said so." Debate over.

Now I use it whenever I see myself headed down the arguing path or when I just don't feel like getting into the Whys and How Comes, etc.

"Because I said so" is, for better or worse, part of my vocabulary.

 

[UrsulasShadow]

Nope, I don't say it.
I have taught my kids to reason, and to listen to reason. My reasons are valid, and my kids know they're valid. Even if my reason is, "I'm not comfortable with that behavior. I'm not exactly sure why, but I've learned to trust my instincts, and I'm afraid you will have to trust them, too."

My daughter made me very proud one time when she was 13. She came up to me one day with a loose-leaf binder in her hands. She said, "Mom, I have a question to ask you, but before you answer it, I would like you to read this proposal I have prepared. Okay?" I agreed. Her question was, " Can I get my belly button pierced?" Of course, my answer was "no", but I had agreed to read first.

She had put together the most amazing compilation of information about body-piercing I had ever read. Most of it was 'pro', but she even put in the 'con', along with proposals on how she was going to handle the issues if they ever arose. I was moved to tears! No, she still didn't get the piercing, but I told her how proud I was of her, and that on her 16th birthday, if she was still interested in doing this, we'd have the discussion again.

By this evidence alone, I know I did right raising her to understand reason.

 

[U2_rocks!]

I've hardly ever used it - I think maybe just a few times over the years when I just wasn't able to say much (like if I was just very tired, frustrated or cranky, or if I needed them to obey immediately, no questions asked).

If I want to end a discussion, I use different words, like "I'm sorry, you know the rule, end of discussion" if they are pestering me about a known rule. If it's a new rule or a decision I have made on a new circumstance that has come up, I will give them one concise reason that makes sense and is on their level. If they choose to argue (vs put forward a valid point), I'll stop them with something like "I've made my decision on this, end of discussion". I will consider good points raised, and sometimes I will defer a decision or discussion to another day if I can, to let everyone think about it (if it's complicated). I also use variations of "my rules are there for reasons we've already discussed. Your friends' rules may be different because they are different people. That's life". But there aren't many arguments from them that will sway me - at this age the reasons behind my decisions aren't really the kind that will change. I am usually apt to change my mind when I'm the mood where an automatic "no" is just easier or it's my first instinct, but after I've said it and given my reason it sounds flimsy even to me, and DS is able to rebut it with a reasonable alternative. e.g. the first time I allowed him to take the dog for a walk around the neighbourhood on his own. He was able to work with me to come up with a plan that involved him taking my cell phone, after a training and practice session on using it, we kept in touch a lot etc. It was only after he argued with me by coming up with some sensible solutions that I was able to eventually change my "no" to "yes". I believe that by talking about reasons behind rules I am teaching him to think things through and find a solution to what he sees as a problem (i.e. my "no").

I have always parented this way. When they were younger the reasons were very short and simple ("I need to keep you safe" etc.). Now that they are getting a little older they understand more. I also know them better now, and can tell if they are just trying to wear me down vs really trying to understand the reasoning behind the rule/decision.

 

[Cool-Beans]

If they choose to argue (vs put forward a valid point), I'll stop them with something like "I've made my decision on this, end of discussion".

Same thing, different words.

 

[kennancat]

Instead of "because I said so", I've used "Because I have far more wisdom and life experience than you do and I realize many of the possible outcomes that you haven't begun to think about!" That usually confuses the daylights out of him and he can't remember what the whole discussion was about to begin with. Works for me.

This is another one of those things that I need to put in my memory bank just in case DH and I decide to have kids one day - I will definitely use it!

 

[meandtheguys2]

I remember hearing somewhere ... maybe Nanny 911 or Dr. Phil or some other crackpot show ... that you shouldn't tell your child "Because I said so". You're supposed to give them a definite reason why. IE: "You shouldn't jump on the couch because you could hit your head on the floor and die -- do you want to die?". So, I have tried to make this work. But sometimes you can't think of a super reason and just want to say "Because I said so!".

I had to break my husband from ending every possible issue with "do you want to die?" My kids began to the think that every possible activity that we didn't want them to do was a death-trap!

 

[KimR]

I always try to give an explanation for reasons already mentioned. And actually, there are times when my kids have provided a reasonable, valid counterargument in which case I've been known to change my mind. Still, sometimes when stressed or rushed I have found myself saying 'because I said so' out of exasperation and just not wanting to go into the explanation at that point. I really do hate saying that, though.

 

[mrsltg]

There's a time and place for everything. I like to use reason on Dierdre but sometimes it just doesn't work. At that point I use either, "Because I said so,", of my personal favorite, "Because your sister is my favorite." The look of utter disdain the first time I said that was priceless. I don't care if they need therapy...

 

[Aidensmom]

I had to break my husband from ending every possible issue with "do you want to die?" My kids began to the think that every possible activity that we didn't want them to do was a death-trap!

Actually, that is a good point. My parents rarely used the "because I said so" line with me, even when I was very young, they would explain their safety reasons, many of them being things like "because you could hurt yourself and die." I think if it was started at a later age, that would have been OK, but because I heard this stuff when I was 2, I grew up with a LOT of phobias, some of which took therapy to get over. I was afraid of everything, and honestly I still do have a lot of fears, I'm just able to get past them now.

I don't believe "because I said so" and the various versions with the same meanings should be used all the time. It is good for children to understand the things behind things. However, I don't necessarily think explaining every little thing to every child, despite their age or ability to understand, is ALWAYS the right thing to do. I don't think there is anything wrong with saying "because I said so" or "Discussion over" or "because I am uncomfortable with that", etc, as long as it isn't the answer everytime a child asks something.

 

[meandtheguys2]

Good point! It got to be ridiculous when I would tell the boys not to run on the concrete, and they would ask "because we could die?"

He never meant to do it...he just wanted them to know his concerns. He's an awesome daddy!