Beacuse I don't want kids, that's why! *pardon my rant..*

[turkeymama]

Liberty Belle, I've had several co-workers tell me they wouldn't have children if they had it to do over again. I think they feel comfortable saying things to me (childfree) that they wouldn't say to another parent.

Ann Landers (or Dear Abby) did an informal survey once and got tons and tons of letters from people who had regretted having children. This was about 25 or 30 years ago, when having kids was even more the "default" than it is now. It's truly unfortunate that having children is the default--I have many years of pediatric nursing under my belt and I have seen WAY too much of the wrong kind of parenting.

I find it very sad that anyone would have children by "default". It is such a huge undertaking just to get through the pregnancy and birth, and then add on the lifetime of responsibility. I find it even more sad that people would admit they were sorry for having their children. I can only imagine the kinds of things you have witnessed as a pediatric nurse.

I love my kids dearly and felt literally driven to have them. It was a physiological need for me. And I knew while I was in recovery after the first one that I would do it again, as least once. I respect that other women may not feel the same drive that I did, but I have to admit I don't fully understand it. But I don't have to understand it.

 

[MoniqueU]

I have a cousin that is a teacher that just got married maybe a year ago, she is older then me by a year and a half. I am 35. I would never DREAM of asking her is she wants to have kids. She is a school teacher which I think is an odd profession for her but that's a whole other story. I just can't see her giving up her lifestly to have kids. She has nephews I think she can barely tolerate from what I have gathered. It is just her personality. I would be shocked if she ever had kids. I am actually shocked she finally got married she was very picky in that department too. Not knocking her it's just the way it is. If I could have more teenagers and not have to go threough the toddler and school age ages I wouldn't mind more, I just don't have the enegy and focus it takes to be the mom of aan infant, toddler, elementary ages at this stage in my life. N one asks me since I have three but I would flat out say I am not interested. I did go through about 6 months of baby fever but the realisty set in and I came to my senses. I have a cousin that has 4 little ones and I constantly think to myself why did she have all those kids? I think it was a competition with her sister. IMHO she never should of had one let alone 4. She can't handle them, is not maternal and ended up in a heated divorce that was messy and filled with drama and rebound relationships that were detimental to the kids. If you are happy and complete and well balacned in your life that should be enough. I do admit I adore my kids and they are a huge part of me but when they were infants and toddlers I never worked so hard in my life. I should have waited longer to have kids but my Dh is older then me and he wanted them so I out of love for him went along with it. It was rrocky there for awhile thats for sure. Now that they are older it is so much more pleasant. Bottom line is parenting is NOT for everyone and I honestly wish i had waited til I was more mature and had a hanle on a few other things in my life. The only person i asked if they were having kids was my hairdresser, she was vague and then did end up having 2 girls back to back

I don't think there is one rightanswer to give to shut them up The only thing that puzzles me is spending so much time at disney without kids. When i get a chance to vacation without the kids I go places that are all inclusive with no kids. I don't like the shrieking, splashing in the pool, tossing a ball in a pool that hits other guests and the whole deal. I also go places like vegas and new orleans where you are less likely to see little ones. We have been to disney without the kids and it isn't the same and I get annoyed with all the out of control kids walking all over out of their strollers and pitching fits and tripping people. Just not a place to choose if you are not that into kids even if they are someone elses. JMHO

 

[Imzadi]

Thanks for letting me get that off my chest without having to resort violence of some kind...

Actually, I am going to suggest a violent response. When people ask if I'm going to have kids, I ask them, "Remember that case of the nanny that shook the baby because it was crying too much?" Well, I can certainly understand where the nanny was coming from... I know I shouldn't be having kids."

Their reaction is always:

That kind of ends that kind of conversation right then & there.


(Disclaimer: Of course, I wouldn't actually say this to or around someone who's actually experienced the horror of shaken baby syndrome. )

 

[bicker]

Many psychoanalysis theories (think Sigmund Freud) would say our instinct to survive and further our race is what drives us to procreate.

Our base instincts, though, don't govern our actions -- we're smarter and more mature than that now. Monogamy is a reflection of overcoming those base instincts, and folks don't seem to have a problem with people being monogamous. Along the same lines, we can recognize that our race is in more danger from over-population than from extinction.

 

[tennvalgirl]

OP, I'm sending a little humor your way. Here's a page full of snappy comebacks for when people ask you that question. (Some are a bit rude and I'm certainly not suggestion you really use them -- but just hoping to give you a smile.)

My favorite response to, "When are you going to have a child?" When Johnny Depp offers to sleep with me.

Another good one, "I'm waiting to see how yours turn out."

http://ask.metafilter.com/46353/Good-answer-for-the-question-When-are-you-going-to-have-children

OMG

Insert favorite celebrity here- "When _______ offers to sleep with me"

Priceless.

 

[tennvalgirl]

I get a multitude of annoying questions

Why do you eat turkey everyday? (food police)

Why don't you wear foundation? (beauty police)

Why don't you want kids? (baby police)


btw
OP

Do you live in the South? I swear it's worse down here with the questions.
Some people are just breeders, and can't stand the thought of someone else having an "independent" thought.

 

[tennvalgirl]

OK

One more post and I'm done

Worse sound in the world?

A screaming, inconsolable baby.

JMO

 

[bicker]

"Inconsolable" -- sounds like a design defect.

 

[aprilgail2]

I have 2 kids and had them close together, in Italy 2 in normally your limit so when people asked are you going to have anymore I replied I dont know, I was met with lots of "what are you thinking? 2 is enough", "dont be silly and have any more" and a post woman at my work told me I am not allowed to have anymore children!!!!!!!! this is from a stranger!!!
I wonder where peole get there manners from sometimes!!

Thats funny because when my daughter was little she needed an orthopedic Dr and his xray tech was from italy- well he asked me if I had any other I said no and she was going to be an only child and he goes on to tell me that I should have more, he has 8 and what if something happened to the one I had then I would have nothing and it would hurt more but if something happened to one of his he still had 7 others and it wouldn't hurt as much........I didn't even know how to respond to that LOL-
But honestly I would be really disappointed if my only child did not want kids, I look very forward to being a grandma- its her choice of course but that wouldn't make it any less disappointing.

 

[Imzadi]

OMG

Insert favorite celebrity here- "When _______ offers to sleep with me"

Priceless.

But George Clooney doesn't want kids either.

 

[littleteapot]

Dh and I wanted kids for years and had problems conceiving, of course that was nobody's business.

The response Dh liked best was "oh, Teapot and I can't have kids, first cousins aren't allowed to have children".

 

[Gabes_mommy]

Yes...I have visited more than one elderly person in a nursing home who had children who were ::ahem:::going to be there to take care of them when they were old. Meanwhile, me, the neighbor, was the one visiting the nursing home. The children were too "busy".

FTR, please do not think I am bashing nursing homes or nursing home care or even the need to place a loved one in a nursing home. I am not. Nursing homes fill a very important healthcare need in our country, and a good nursing home can be a godsend for an elderly person in terms of activities, socialization and enjoyment of life. There are some elderly (I am thinking those with demetia) who are actually better off being cared for in a facility equipped to dealw ith their mental status issues. And people who place their elderly parents in a nursing home and continue their involvement in their lives do their loved ones agreat service by giving them the best of both worlds in some cases...proper care and socialization as well as family love and support.

But there are an awful lot of nursing homes "dumps" done by children who don't want to deal with their elderly parents.

Sorry for being kind of O-T here but I wanted to comment on this whole nursing home/elderly care issue. Recently my MIL was in the hospital and my DH barely went to see her. My mom (who I am extremely close to) commented that she thought it was a gender difference between boys and girls - boys are more negligent while a girl would be calling and visiting everyday. I disagreed and told her I believe it's because my MIL neglected my DH throughout his entire childhood - why would he be so concerned about her now? I really believe that in most cases parents will get what they gave when they need care later in life. My parents are amazing and we are extremely close. If they ever need me to I would try to care for them in my home and if they needed to be in a nursing home I would visit them all the time. My DH, who was neglected by his mother, will not show that much interest in her as she ages. He loves her, but their bond is just not that close.

 

[Gammaresource]

Some of the dumps might be straight caregiver burnout. It does happen and it's pretty brutal when it does. When my mom went downhill her entire personality changed and she got really mean, it was horrible. I honestly wanted nothing to do with her by the time she finally landed in the home in crisis, I lost my 20s to caregiving. I do visit her at least once a week still, and I'm much happier with her relationship now that the responsibility is off my shoulders...but coming out the other end of that hell I do understand how people can just be done.

This is why having kids to look after you in old age is such a selfish pile of crap. I would NEVER wish on my kids what my mother put me through. Idealy they won't be having to do that, when I see them when I'm old I want it to be for a visit...not them driving me to errands, or cleaning up my bodily fluids, or investigating a halucination, or cleaning my home while they still have their own responsibilities. They are my children, not my future slaves. It's my job to plan for my eventual decline in abilities and that doesn't mean assuming my kids will pick up the slack. It means ensuring that I have the money to go into assisting living when I'm no longer able to take care of me and my home.

Your mother didn't "put you through" anything. That would be like blaming a child for what they "put you through." Families stick together even when it is hard. My grandma got mean, too. It sucked. But I knew that if we were caring for her, she was being taken care of by people who loved her, regardless. Just like she loved us when we were screaming little brats. Nursing homes are notorious for abuses of all sorts. Someone has to stay on top of things, constantly. When my mom was in the hospital one of the aides was stealing her pain meds, and no one would believe she hadn't gotten them. Unfortunately I was giving birth at the time and there was no one to stay with her. I'd never allow someone I love to be in that situation without someone to watch out for them. Recently in our sweet little town three teen workers were found guilty of sexually assaulting many of the women of the facility in which they worked. At another home they discover one of the coherent patients was having sex with 5 Alzheimer's patients.

While I don't work in a nursing facility, I do work with developmental disabilities. Many of the same issues crop up with our clients. So, yes, I do have a concept of residential care and the potential for abuse, neglect, etc.

My kids won't have to change our diapers, but they will always love us and watch out for us. Because that is the kind of people they are. There are crappy ungrateful children that dump, but I do agree with you. Some of the dumps are burnout. People need more support as caregivers.

 

[Iott Family]

This topic has many posts but i just cant help myself by adding my own reply

I am a mother, I have 4 kiddos and I stay at home with them because being a mom and wife is what I do. However I must say with all my maternal instincts I think its great you know you dont want kids and you and your spouse are happy together. We have friends who dont have kids and they know they arent the parental type, they enjoy their lives too much doing and going on their terms. Not being a "mom" is fine. You are still a WOMAN and you still have your waist line And you are probably more centered than us women who are harried and harrassed by our daily monotony of the kid routine.

Kuddos to you!

 

[Hollywoodhaha]

I love the "when Johnny Depp offers to sleep with me"

haha

I love him

 

[tennvalgirl]

I love the "when Johnny Depp offers to sleep with me"

haha

I love him

Best answer ever

Johnny Depp can bring attention to anything, even this thread

 

[Fintastic]

I honestly think people don't mean harm by it most of the time. It's just small talk. It's annoying, but I don't think they're trying to be rude. When kids are involved, people are just politely interested in what other people are doing. Obviously if it comes up over and over from the same people, there's an issue. But for the most part I don't think it's anything mean-spirited.

People's opinions don't stop no matter what your family size! We have a five-year-old DD and weren't sure if we wanted another for a long time, but we got "time to have another one!" all the time anyway. Now we're having a little boy and we get people telling us that we have our "girl and boy" now so we don't have to have any more. There's always something to say about other people's family size!

 

[Scoobmuzic]

I don't get that question as much as I used to. Maybe moving 1200 miles away from my MIL helped.

My Mom was appropriately horrified at first but she eventually got over it. It most likely has to do with the fact that my 2 sisters & brother all have kids totaling 7 grandkids for her 4 of which live on the same street so the fact that I didn't want any was easier for her to deal with.

Now, MIL is a different story. she only has 2 grandkids and one of them lives in CA and she is in RI. She was so upset when DH and I moved to FL that she said she would never come visit but if I popped out a kid, you can bet she would be on the next flight.

When people would ask and I would get the WHY NOT???? Along with the "look of horror"
I would say because those little buggars are expensive!!! You gotta feed em…… Every day!
Or I would say “I like my cats better, you can leave em for 3 days with lots of food, water & kitty litter. They don’t let you do that with kids.
People either laugh or I get the look.

Some just don’t get that it’s really not going to change their life one iota if I don’t have kids and who knows, maybe the world is better off. I may give birth to a serial killer, you just don’t know.

 

[Liberty Belle]

Now that I'm 52, people no longer tell me "You'll change your mind". Instead, I get, "Are you sorry you didn't have kids?"

While I do think people sometimes ask questions innocently , I think they just as often ask these kinds of questions to be rude. Especially when they're not satisfied with your answer and keep countering with why your decision is wrong and why you should regret it (the dying-alone kind of stuff).

Liberty Belle, I've had several co-workers tell me they wouldn't have children if they had it to do over again. I think they feel comfortable saying things to me (childfree) that they wouldn't say to another parent.

Ann Landers (or Dear Abby) did an informal survey once and got tons and tons of letters from people who had regretted having children. This was about 25 or 30 years ago, when having kids was even more the "default" than it is now. It's truly unfortunate that having children is the default--I have many years of pediatric nursing under my belt and I have seen WAY too much of the wrong kind of parenting.

Perhaps when they say it to you, they're trying to be kind, in case they are feeling you regretted not having children? I'm thankful I've never met any parent who says they wished they'd never had children. I pray their children never hear them say it.

I'm not a perfect parent and I've yet to meet one. Parenting is very difficult. I wish there were programs available to help parents - and ones that didn't have stigmas attached to them.

 

[inkkognito]

This is one of the reasons I can be happy that I'll hit menopause in a few years...no more kiddo questions. DH and I have absolutely no desire to be parents. I am a therapist so I get to work with youngsters and teens, and that is plenty for me. DH brings one of our nephews down to WDW once a year and that is plenty for him. I tend to forgive older people who ask because to them, that's just what you do, i.e. marry and pop a few kidlets. For others, I don't care much what they think. When asked if I plan to have kids, I just say, "No, my brother had enough for the whole family." (He has eight). If they push, I just say, "I'm too busy having my own happy childhood now" and leave it at that. My decision actually IS selfish in the fact that I had to be an adult practically from the time I could walk. I parented myself and that was enough for a lifetime. I feel a bit sad sometimes when I see cute little kids at the park, but the vast majority of the time I am perfectly happy with my life and decision.