Be careful what you wish for...Help!

[breezy1077]

I posted this a few weeks ago on the Disablility board, but thought I might get some extra advice on the CB since it's not really related to a disability.

It was not long ago that I wanted so badly for my son to have a boy in the neighborhood that he could play with and wanted to play with him. Well I got my wish , but now I don't know what to do. So I turn to my fellow DISers for advise and a little vent...

DS 7 has PDD-NOS (autism disorder). The boy who recently moved in has befriended him, and my son is just thrilled to have another boy to play with (a couple girls around us who play, but no boys). The boy has an extremely manic behavior (makes my son's manic modes seem calm) coupled with a destructive, sneaky and bullying personality. The other kids around us can look at this new kid and decide not to be like him, but my son "takes on" his personality and mimics his behavior . I've worked soooo hard on social behavior with him just to have it destroyed so quickly. Again other children can just brush it off, but it may take me months to stop a behavior in my son.

The parents are the kind that let the boy out (with his 4 yr old brother )without supervision and he usually ends up in our backyard. also, we live on a culdesac which makes it difficult to deter interaction with the boy unless I hole my kids up and not let them outside (which I won't do). I'm not sure how to proceed - any thoughts? BTW, they are renting for a year - I pray to God they don't decide to buy.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

That really stinks. I would just have to be the super supervisor and never leave them alone and correct any behavior right away. Even if it meant sending the other kid home. Good luck!

 

[horseshowmom]

I'm so sorry. I'm sure you really needed the extra stress.

I agree with MHM, I would constantly supervise them (that alone may be enough to send the other boy packing ).

 

[breezy1077]

That really stinks. I would just have to be the super supervisor and never leave them alone and correct any behavior right away. Even if it meant sending the other kid home. Good luck!

I'm so sorry. I'm sure you really needed the extra stress.

I agree with MHM, I would constantly supervise them (that alone may be enough to send the other boy packing ).

Thanks, I'm already doing that. Whenever I go to say something to this kid, he totally ignores me or even talks back (and that sort of behavior sooo doesn't fly in my house). The next step is to kick him out of my yard I think. DS started using this "friends" responses this weekend when talking to us....ugh, I think it's going to be a lonnng summer.

 

[freckles and boo]

I don't have a solution for you, but I completely understand where you are coming from. My six-year-old daughter is autistic and she picks up both the good and the bad from other kids as well. Do you use any visuals with him? I have a "right" card and a "wrong" card I use with my daughter. It makes things very, very concrete for her. When there is a behavior I want to curb we try to jump in right away and show her the "wrong" card (no verbal or facial expression). I also use the "right" card ten times as often for good behavior (with lots of verbal and facial expression) so the "wrong" card has more power when we do have to use it. My daughter can talk now but for some reason the visuals register better than words.

As for the other boy... I would try very, very hard to supervise them as much as possible. My take on other people's children is that if they are in my yard they follow my rules or they leave. Sneaking, bullying, etc. is wrong and won't be tolerated.

 

[nicknack]

It's going to be a long summer, isn't it? I remember at our old house feeling like a prisoner in my own home because anytime my daughter would go out to play the very badly behaved neighbor girls would come over and play with my daughter's toys and break them and do a lot of other things that were mean and inappropriate.

The only solution was to be the "mean mom" and just tell those girls they couldn't play at our house anymore. It made them mad and my daughter sad and their mother furious but in the long run it was the right thing to do.

 

[breezy1077]

I don't have a solution for you, but I completely understand where you are coming from. My six-year-old daughter is autistic and she picks up both the good and the bad from other kids as well. Do you use any visuals with him? I have a "right" card and a "wrong" card I use with my daughter. It makes things very, very concrete for her. When there is a behavior I want to curb we try to jump in right away and show her the "wrong" card (no verbal or facial expression). I also use the "right" card ten times as often for good behavior (with lots of verbal and facial expression) so the "wrong" card has more power when we do have to use it. My daughter can talk now but for some reason the visuals register better than words.

As for the other boy... I would try very, very hard to supervise them as much as possible. My take on other people's children is that if they are in my yard they follow my rules or they leave. Sneaking, bullying, etc. is wrong and won't be tolerated.

Haven't tried the cards, but we have been using social stories alot again. We'd finally gotten past that point for play in our own backyard - very frustrating! But, we're using them again.

Nicknack, I agree with you, I guess I'm going to have to play meanmom . I hate to say this, but maybe if I'm unpleasant enough, they'll decide to put down permanent roots elsewhere. Sorry, desperate talk.

At what point would y'all totally eliminate play. I think that would be nearly impossible, plus DS might not understand and think it's more of a punishment for him than anything else.

BTW, the other day, I caught him(the friend) "pushing" on the neighbor's dog and then trying to drop grass in its eyes. The part that concerned me was after doing this, he looked around to see if anyone was watching. I stepped in and he guiltily walked away. I did tell the neighbors (who happen to be parents to 2 of the girls I mentioned).

 

[freckles and boo]

Our right and wrong cards are really simple. Red laminated card with a frowny face and the word WRONG. Green laminated card with a smiley face and the word RIGHT. I wore them on a lanyard on our Disney trip last month and it worked out great. We don't have as much luck with social stories, yet.

I would definitely limit time with the other child. I don't know if I would eliminate the interaction so much as fade it out or replace it with better things. Can you get your son in more structured, predictable activities? Park district or library activities? Do you have any "social groups" through autism organizations in your area? They are supervised and the kids are gently guided toward positive interactions. If you are like me, you want your child around "typical" peers as much as possible so he will learn what is socially normal, but this neighbor kid is definitely not the normal you are looking for.

FWIW - I would be on his parent's porch pitching a big one if I saw him hurting an animal or another child.

 

[breezy1077]

FWIW - I would be on his parent's porch pitching a big one if I saw him hurting an animal or another child.

ITA, the dog wasn't hurt (this time!), If she had actually been hurt - all you know what would have broken loose. I let the neighbors know, and I'm on constant guard outside. It was the way he tried to see if anyone was watching that raised major red flags. He was either being extra sneaky, or thinking of something really bad to do next (or both).

My mom's a teacher of 34 yrs.. She's met the kid and says there's something wrong - something missing in the eyes when he looks at you...who knows...?

We'll be going to the pool alot this summer I think. It's very sad and frustrating because we have the "kool-aid" house. The one where all the kids congregate.

 

[SC Minnie]

What if that dog had snapped at him for doing that???

I agree with the others- you are going to have to be the mean mom. If he starts bullying or saying things you don't approve of you will just have to tell him that behavior is not acceptable at your house and he has to leave. Period. End of discussion.

 

[eeyoremum]

I have some advice. I don't have experience with an autistic child so I would not focus on your son. I am not qualified, plus he is not the problem.

This is what happens at my house with a child who misbehaves:

1. The child is told "I don't know what the rules are in your house but at my house children don't (insert behaviour here)"

2. I ask you not to do (behaviour) children listen to adults are the boss at my house.

3. I am sorry you can't follow my rules you need to go home.

If it happens a second time my sons are told their friend is no longer welcome to play at our home.

I run at pretty tight ship and I don't tolerate misbehavour in my own children. I WILL NOT tolerate it from other peoples children, especially children of parents who can't be bothered to parent.

 

[holycow]

Your title caught me! I've done the same thing so many times!

I think the advise is wonderful.

I was thinking you could have the boy come and sit down and explain the rules when at your home. Let him know in no uncertain terms that when he behaves inappropriately he will be sent home.


Hopefully you can protect your child and help the other child with his behavior since his parents don't seem to want to. Sad. Hugs to you and your family!

 

[My2Cinderellas]

I'm with eeyoremum - my house, my rules.

we also have neighborhood hooligans who run around unsupervised. While we allow them to play with our kids in our yard if they ask politely, we are right there keeping an eye on things, and both my DH and I as well as the next door neighbors have sent them home after a warning many times over the years. Our house rules are very different than theirs, and they have yet to learn the difference at 4th grade and 2nd grade. I still do not let them play with my kids unsupervised, and this winter DH sent them home for throwing ice chunks at smaller children. Rude bullying behavior is absolutely not tolerated.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Thanks, I'm already doing that. Whenever I go to say something to this kid, he totally ignores me or even talks back (and that sort of behavior sooo doesn't fly in my house). The next step is to kick him out of my yard I think. DS started using this "friends" responses this weekend when talking to us....ugh, I think it's going to be a lonnng summer.

Oh hell no! My own kids are not allowed to talk fresh to me so you can bet their friends will be sent packing if they think they can! Send that kid home whenever he is fresh and he will either straighten up or stay away.

 

[breezy1077]

All good advice. I agree, I'm going to have to send the kid home a few times to get my point across.

I know it probably sounds terrible, but I'd love nothing better than to never have anything to do with the boy ever again.

Ahhh well, such is life. I guess it's better to teach DS these lessons now...I know mimicing and following the crowd are going to be issues for him down the road.

 

[breezy1077]

Thanks for all the good tips y'all.

If it comes to the point where I have to cut off all interaction - how would you handle it. Both with the other family and DS?

 

[freckles and boo]

Explaining it to the other family is straighforward, if awkward. Tell them the truth.

"My child has PDD-NOS. He is bright, funny, and capable. He also has social challenges and playing with little Billy is starting to undermine some of the progress we have made with him. I hope they can be friends later but for right now I would prefer they didn't play together." If they press you, tell them their kids run wild and they are unruly brats.

It will be harder to explain to your son and I feel bad for him. I would just try to find more appropriate friends. Can he get into scouting or somthing?

 

[wardfamily1]

Wow breezy, you've really got your work cut out for you. If you seem like you're ok with everything, the neighbors may think 'what a wonderful neighborhood' and want to put down roots. You may have to go over there and tell them you don't want their son over anymore. Sure they'll be upset, but it sounds like it's in your son's best interest. Hopefully they'll decide not to buy and this chapter will be over soon. When is their lease up?



Well, whatever you decide, we're here for you to vent. Keep us posted.