bath traumatizes niece

[MizTink]

1st a little background....
my sister has a little girl who just turned 3 in her care. it's a very long, sad story, but the short version is that this little girl was just "given" to my sister by a young mother. she first left the little girl with my sister about a year ago. after more than a month she took her back. she called my sister again a few months ago and asked her to take the girl permanently. my sister is handling everything legally, including adoption.
my new niece is doing amazing! she used to be very "blank". barely spoke and was expressionless most of the time. affection was foreign to her
she is now a normal acting 3 year old who we can't slow down!! she has learned what it means when we say i love you, and now tells us that she loves us constantly :

now the problem...
she is absolutely terrified of the bath/shower. it's like torture every time she needs to be bathed. my sister has tried everything including using a baby bath for her to sit in, putting her in the kitchen sink (she sees the baby do it), shower, shower with my sister, bath toys, bribes, EVERYTHING. nothing works. it hasn't even improved. she has tried just washing her, like a sponge bath, but her hair needs to be washed too! thank goodness it doesn't need to be done daily (she's black).
any suggestions???? it's just pitiful to witness

 

[anniemae]

Awwww poor thing. I would try to make the tub fun. Maybe put some toys and "fun" soap (they sell soap crayons and you can "write" on the tub with them) and new tub toys to entice her in and distract her from the fact that she is in the tub. Maybe just let her play in the tub with no water until she feels more confident, then gradually add a little water. Your sister could also join her in the tub for reassurance. Good luck.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I would seek the advice of the counselor. Does your sister have access to help for this girl?

This is severe anxiety over bathing and will require a multi step process to get her over her fear. Basically until the little girl has the full trust of your sister she is not going to "relax". Time and patience are required here.

I suppose I would continue with the sponge bathing for now and then perhaps seek out a black salon and see how that goes. Maybe the little girl will accept a salon doing her hair. It is worth a shot to see. I would explain the issue and see if they can help.

 

[marlynnp]

ear plugs

Just put her in the shower when she needs it and lather her up.
My daughter did the same thing around that age. She got over it. I was glad that our neighbors weren't too close, lol.

I made sure the water was just barely warm and used a handheld shower so I could wet her down quickly, put the spray aside and lather her up, and then grab it and quickly rinse her.

 

[tiggger1]

chances are she was hurt in the tub and is afraid. A friend's 2 year old foster daughter was beaten horribly (spent 6 months in the hospital with broken leg, fractured skull) and was petrified of the bath and water, the social workers figured she was probably beaten in the bath and held underwater. It took the foster mother almost a year of therapy with her before she could give her a bath in a normal tub. I know she started using a blow up baby bath in the kitchen with no water and a wet facecloth. once she was comfortable with that she added a 1/2 inch of water..she continued to add water until she was comfortable with the water. then they moved in into the bathroom and started over in the tub. She finally was able to take a bath normally and the freaking courts gave her back to her abusive 15 year mom

 

[anniemae]

I also wanted to suggest your sister talk to her pediatrician for help. they will be able to steer her in the right direction if she needs some additional help.

 

[Shmily1]

I agree with the PP that said she was hurt in the bath tub. DGD17 was like that when she came to live with us when she was 2. I could bathe her if I ran just a little water, let her stand up, kept the door open and we sang funny songs. She still trembled, but eventually, she understood it wasn't the bath tub that hurt her and it wasn't me so she was safe there. Hang in there!!

 

[SeaShelley]

ear plugs

Just put her in the shower when she needs it and lather her up.
My daughter did the same thing around that age. She got over it. I was glad that our neighbors weren't too close, lol.

I made sure the water was just barely warm and used a handheld shower so I could wet her down quickly, put the spray aside and lather her up, and then grab it and quickly rinse her.

OP - PLEASE don't tell your sister about this option. Take the advice of others here....ask her pediatrician.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

My son used to scream in the bathtub too. There was no reason for it. He was never abused or hurt. He just hated baths. Sometimes I took a shower with him. Other times we just let him scream. Eventually he got over it.

But since this is a child your sister has only starting raising, she might want to talk to a pediatrician or therapist or something. If it was here OWN child and she knew there was no traumatic experience, I would go with the ear plug answer.

 

[lustergirl]

oh that poor child, I hope she is going to be okay and Good Luck!!

 

[OceanAnnie]

chances are she was hurt in the tub and is afraid. A friend's 2 year old foster daughter was beaten horribly (spent 6 months in the hospital with broken leg, fractured skull) and was petrified of the bath and water, the social workers figured she was probably beaten in the bath and held underwater. It took the foster mother almost a year of therapy with her before she could give her a bath in a normal tub. I know she started using a blow up baby bath in the kitchen with no water and a wet facecloth. once she was comfortable with that she added a 1/2 inch of water..she continued to add water until she was comfortable with the water. then they moved in into the bathroom and started over in the tub. She finally was able to take a bath normally and the freaking courts gave her back to her abusive 15 year mom

That was my first thought too. So sad.

 

[LuvOrlando]

I'd get help as a back up but in the meantime, the child must be bathed. What about making a special happy ritual about bathtime that could help ease her into the experience. Put on a favorite TV show first, play a favorite song and tell her she can get out when it's over to help her with timing, add some of those fun tub toys like the write on the wall bath crayons each day and give her some extra TLC after the experience. Also, it might help her if she learns how to wash her own privates, it will require patience to teach her at this age but it could be necessary in order for her to feel safe. She may not yet be able to distinguish between good touch and bad touch and sometimes the person is never able to make the distinction... unfortunately there is no way to tell ahead of time, at some point she'll either be ok or she won't.

It is so good of your sister to take this on and give that child a safe nurturing home.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Can the child verbalize why she doesn't like baths? It might help to talk about it. I imagine it can be frustrating to have to give the bath and at times your sister might just have to do the job, like it or not. That feeling of being rushed and "manhandled" (for lack of another word) might conjure up prior bad experiences. They could talk it through. Maybe your sister could tell the child she can do it all herself if she wants and just ask for help if she needs it.

I like Luvs suggestions. Also maybe offer a small reward if she takes a bath without a fuss, like blowing bubbles or something.

 

[JennyDarling]

I dealt with this briefly when DD was almost 3. Just decided one day that she HATED the bath or shower. What I finally did was get a blow up pool, put her in her bathing suit and we went swimming! She was having so much fun she didn't notice that Mommy was washing her.

Luckily we went through this in the summer and I could set the pool up outside for the most part but a couple times we had to "swim" in the kitchen because it was raining. It's certainly not a long term solution but it got her clean enough to leave the house.

I do, however, agree that Mom should talk with her ped. I knew for a fact that DDs bath issues weren't related to any abuse.

 

[jen0610]

1st a little background....
my sister has a little girl who just turned 3 in her care. it's a very long, sad story, but the short version is that this little girl was just "given" to my sister by a young mother. she first left the little girl with my sister about a year ago. after more than a month she took her back. she called my sister again a few months ago and asked her to take the girl permanently. my sister is handling everything legally, including adoption.
my new niece is doing amazing! she used to be very "blank". barely spoke and was expressionless most of the time. affection was foreign to her
she is now a normal acting 3 year old who we can't slow down!! she has learned what it means when we say i love you, and now tells us that she loves us constantly :

now the problem...
she is absolutely terrified of the bath/shower. it's like torture every time she needs to be bathed. my sister has tried everything including using a baby bath for her to sit in, putting her in the kitchen sink (she sees the baby do it), shower, shower with my sister, bath toys, bribes, EVERYTHING. nothing works. it hasn't even improved. she has tried just washing her, like a sponge bath, but her hair needs to be washed too! thank goodness it doesn't need to be done daily (she's black).
any suggestions???? it's just pitiful to witness

ear plugs

Just put her in the shower when she needs it and lather her up.
My daughter did the same thing around that age. She got over it. I was glad that our neighbors weren't too close, lol.

I made sure the water was just barely warm and used a handheld shower so I could wet her down quickly, put the spray aside and lather her up, and then grab it and quickly rinse her.

PLEASE, PLEASE TELL YOUR SISTER NOT TO DO THIS!!! Just with the little info you gave, something has happened to this little girl while being in her mothers care that is causing this reaction.

For years growing up my parents did foster care. Vincent had been with us for about 2 months, when one sunday morning he and my 2 brothers were horsing around while getting ready to go to church. My mom had told them a couple of times to knock it off, stop fooling around, finish eating and get dressed.

They did, but continued horsing around. My dad had came out into the family room where we were all waiting to leave, when for what ever reason, the way his shirt was tucked in bothered him. He reached down to loosen his belt so he could adjust the shirt.

As soon as his hand touched the belt, the most god awful whimper started coming from Vincent. He was deathly pale, eyes wide open, and shaking very badly. Dad took one step forward not thinking that he was causing the issue, when Vincent threw himself at my dads feet, screaming please don't belt me sir. Please don't whip me, sir. Screaming this over and over and over.

It took every thing both my mom and I had to get Vincent unwrapped from my dads feet. Dad left the room and completely took his belt off and left it in the bedroom before he came back into the room we were in. There had been NO NOTIFICATION to my parents that Vincent had been being beaten by someone with a belt.

Needless to say, we did not make it to chruch that day. It took several hours to calm Vincent down and for him to understand that no matter what he did he would not get beat with a belt in our house. He seriously thought that because he and my brothers had been goofing off all morning that they were going to get a beating.

Please have your sister, get professional help. This could very well be a very deep seeding issue.

 

[MizTink]

yeah, we're pretty sure there has been abuse. it took her over a month just to be comfortable with my nephew in the same room. she is VERY nervous around men.
she was also absolutely filthy when she came to my sister (both times). it was very obvious that she wasn't being cared for at all. her bath water looked like a muddy dog ahd been in it. and her hair sooooo dirty. even after washing it twice there was lots of dirt in the comb.
the doctor hasn't been much help. no physical signs of abuse. they're dragging their feet about therapy, etc.....
wish there was some quick fix....

 

[JennyDarling]

yeah, we're pretty sure there has been abuse. it took her over a month just to be comfortable with my nephew in the same room. she is VERY nervous around men.
she was also absolutely filthy when she came to my sister (both times). it was very obvious that she wasn't being cared for at all. her bath water looked like a muddy dog ahd been in it. and her hair sooooo dirty. even after washing it twice there was lots of dirt in the comb.
the doctor hasn't been much help. no physical signs of abuse. they're dragging their feet about therapy, etc.....
wish there was some quick fix....

This almost made me cry.
They need to start shopping for a new ped ASAP! Maybe try calling the guardian ad litem office in their area and see if they could recommend one who is particularly skilled in dealing with abused children.

 

[JennyKS]

For a YEAR my daughter screamed bloody murder everytime it was bath time. I just knew one day the neighbors were going to call the police and they would show up. I can assure you she was NEVER abused in anyway. Though to her, taking a bath was HORRIBLE abuse. Fortunately she just grew out of it, but I didn't cave and just listened to her and explained to her over and over again it was ok and nothing was going to hurt her. She STILL hates the bath, HATES it. We do showers and she is in and out in 5 minutes flat. I think she hates the most is knowing afterwards we have to brush her hair, which still at 5 she hates.

 

[Wishing on a star]

An adopted/abused/institutionalized child should probably be handled differently than a child born into the family.

Definitly do NOT recommend the - force her, and she'll get over it route.
NOT AT ALL.

Your sister might benefit from consulting with adoption specialists, books about adopting a post abuse/institutionalized child, etc...

It sounds like she is doing WONDERFULLY!!!!!!
If the bath is the only big problematic issue... then that is INCREDIBLE!!!
I would want to 'pick my issues'... let her hair be less than clean for as long as it takes to figure this out and work thru it.

 

[Colleen27]

A former coworker of mine was a foster mother and had several kids come to her with serious fears surrounding bathing/water, and she swore by taking them to a favorite hairdresser who was very experienced in working with children. For some reason, washing hair in the big salon chair, reclining over the sink, with foster mom always in sight and within reach was less difficult than bathtime at home.