bath traumatizes niece

[Iott Family]

I thought the idea of just letting her pay in the tub fully clothed and no water sounded good. Maybe after she is comfortable with that go to wearing a bathing suit, then add maybe an inch or two of warm water......just slowly progress from there? Also, Joannie Bartel has a great bath time music CD that could lighten the atmosphere

God Bless you and your sister for loving this little girl

 

[snarlingcoyote]

yeah, we're pretty sure there has been abuse. it took her over a month just to be comfortable with my nephew in the same room. she is VERY nervous around men.
she was also absolutely filthy when she came to my sister (both times). it was very obvious that she wasn't being cared for at all. her bath water looked like a muddy dog ahd been in it. and her hair sooooo dirty. even after washing it twice there was lots of dirt in the comb.
the doctor hasn't been much help. no physical signs of abuse. they're dragging their feet about therapy, etc.....
wish there was some quick fix....

See, my first thought honestly wasn't that she'd been hurt in the but that she hasn't had much experience with baths. Combine that with the fact that her first times were probably not fun experiences because of the work and time involved in getting her clean.

I'd just buy a blow up pool, a bunch of pool toys and make fun colored bubbles for her to play in while she goes "swimming". Swimming, after all is FUN. As for the hair, I'd start having "spa" days, where she gets her hair and her toenails done like a grown up and push the glam of it all.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

At this point, I would consult professional help.

My first thought is that perhaps she is just afraid of water.

My 2nd DD burned her toes on scalding hot water in the tub (accidental shutoff of cold water at my mom's house)--she wasn't afraid of water after that. But she was afraid of warm baths. We had to keep her baths pretty much at room temperature--much cooler than what she used prior to the burns. This was when she was 18 months or so. So just one small incident--did result in a behavior change, but it was easily accomodated.

I just wonder if something happened to this little girl involving water that was much worse.

I have horror stories of bath time when I Was a kid. In retrospect, I don't feel the person was trying to harm me, so much as they just needed to rinse shampoo out of my hair. But one submerge, and I fought it every time after (that I can recall). I think finally, at some point--we went to running the bathwater to rinse my hair. But just typing it--I Can remember the fear like it was yesterday that I felt b/c it did feel like someone was trying to drown me. Although--they weren't. I wasn't afraid of water though--I did hate bath time in that house. I was about 3 or 4.

But anyway--abuse, or just trying to get her clean--it would be enough to cause a problem at bath time.

Seek professional help and a therapist could help make it better.

In the meantime, they sell disposable wipes in the baby section for sponge baths. I would go that route. Not sure about the hair. But if her hair was washed once or twice a week, that would be okay.

Then a therapist can help desensitize (or whatever the proper clinical term is) those fears...so that she can perform a basic task of hygeine.

Good luck.

(Saw the other posts--but just posting my experiences of some specific incidents at bath time.)

 

[lemondog]

An adopted/abused/institutionalized child should probably be handled differently than a child born into the family.

Definitly do NOT recommend the - force her, and she'll get over it route.
NOT AT ALL.

Your sister might benefit from consulting with adoption specialists, books about adopting a post abuse/institutionalized child, etc...

It sounds like she is doing WONDERFULLY!!!!!!
If the bath is the only big problematic issue... then that is INCREDIBLE!!!
I would want to 'pick my issues'... let her hair be less than clean for as long as it takes to figure this out and work thru it.

Could not have said it better myself! As the parent of an institutionalized child that we adopted...you cannot compare these children to biological, well-cared-for children, not even remotely.

My guess is there is more going on here that regular bathtub fear...although this little girl says she loves you, the trust/love/bonding process is still going on and doing anything to further traumatize her at this point is only going to make things worse.

I highly suggest your sister find some sort of counselor for her daughter...the earlier problems are addressed, the easier they are to overcome. One thing I think of immediately is RAD...reactive attachment disorder. Common in neglected children, and one of the red flags is constantly telling people "I love you." I am not saying by any means that your neice has RAD, but it would serve your sister and her daughter well to consult a professional counselor about what could be going on here. I can only imagine the horrors this poor child has gone through.

Good luck to you all!

 

[bumbershoot]

she was also absolutely filthy when she came to my sister (both times). it was very obvious that she wasn't being cared for at all. her bath water looked like a muddy dog ahd been in it. and her hair sooooo dirty. even after washing it twice there was lots of dirt in the comb.

Since she wasn't being bathed at all...couldn't this just be a situation where she doesn't really know what being bathed is? Sounds like her mom was avoiding it at all costs, and maybe the reason is that the daughter just hated it, and the mom didn't know how to deal with it.

My kids both went through phases where they hated baths. I think that part is normal. I think some of the PPs saying it is normal to fear baths are trying to be helpful.

Me too.

DS hated baths most of the time, especially as a tiny baby (not sure why I was bathing him, I don't really believe that babies and toddlers need to be bathed often at all, as long as you're getting the milk out from their neck folds LOL), and when I felt he needed to be washed, I had to just DO it.

And with plenty of people chiming in with their children who hated baths for a certain period of time, I would hope that the info would help. No one is saying that there is no chance of other issues, but I think it's always nice to know that "normal" kids can have these over the top fears for no reason that an adult can figure out.

Something might have happened to her or not. Maybe she is just afraid of the water, and her bio mom was never patient or kind about it. My neice hated baths and would scream bloody murder as soon as the mention of a bath came up. She was never hurt in the tub to cause this. But either way, it took patience to change her.

At first they played in the sink fully dressed with floaty toys just with their hands. Then they moved to the bathroom sink for water games. Slowly they moved water play to into the tub without getting in the tub. Then they started playing with the special floaty toys in the tub with their bathing suits on "just in case" they got wet. They only time she got to play with her mermaid dolls and fish toys was in the tub. Eventually the play moved in the tub with a suit on...and then when she was ready they started giving her baths.

In the mean time she got sponge baths. And they washed her hair in the sink with her fully dressed (not actually getting in the sink.)

It only took about a month.

I just erased a bunch of my replies to say "yeah, that".

I'd just buy a blow up pool, a bunch of pool toys and make fun colored bubbles for her to play in while she goes "swimming". Swimming, after all is FUN. As for the hair, I'd start having "spa" days, where she gets her hair and her toenails done like a grown up and push the glam of it all.

I love the kiddie pool idea.

 

[cm8]

yeah, we're pretty sure there has been abuse. it took her over a month just to be comfortable with my nephew in the same room. she is VERY nervous around men.
she was also absolutely filthy when she came to my sister (both times). it was very obvious that she wasn't being cared for at all. her bath water looked like a muddy dog ahd been in it. and her hair sooooo dirty. even after washing it twice there was lots of dirt in the comb.
the doctor hasn't been much help. no physical signs of abuse. they're dragging their feet about therapy, etc.....
wish there was some quick fix....

That is so nice of your sister to care for her and give her the love and care she needs. Maybe she should try letting her wash herself up. Is she in the bath room when your sister runs the water? Some children are afraid of the running water but would do fine once it's off

AS for her hair, your niece may like having her hair washed in the kitchen sink, have her place her on her back on the counter top cushioned with lots of towels and her neck supported. Shampoo her hair dry and then rinse with the hose while reassuring her that she will not get water in her eyes. I am not sure what she is using on her hair, but soft and precious in the ethnic hair care aisle is great for her age( the spray form) it de-tangles and moisturizes all at once. It is the only product with an ethnic baby on it. It works wonders


Good luck and lots of s for you and your family

 

[cm8]

Of all the kids we had over the years, the only one we know anything about, is the 15 year old that we had. She had a very unstable home life, bounching in and out of being at home and in the teen housing. This was back in the late 70's and things were ran very differently back then.

She was only going to be with us during the Christmas holidays, but she copied down our phone number and address and stayed in contact with us via both letters and she would call when she was living at home and it was getting bad. She begged and pleaded with my parents to adopt her. Their hands were tied, they would have in a heartbeat, but her mom would not give up her rights and the system wouldn't terminate her rights. The system wouldn't fully place her in our home, but whenever she was in living in the teen home and got weekend passes and during school breaks, she would ask to come stay with us. She was always more than welcome.

All was well for about 2 years of doing this. Until her mom found a letter she was writing to my parents, in which she referred to them as mom and dad. Her mom told the teen home that she no longer had permission to have any contact with us. This was the straw that broke the camels back. She was never the same. She turned to the life that her mom lived.

We were her support. Our family took her to church, sent her to church camp, took her camping, took her to movies, the zoo (she could not remember ever being to the zoo as a child), bowling. Got her a birthday cake and presents. She got Christmas gifts - from my parent and dads side of the family we spent Christmas with. And when we got taken way from her, she lost the one thing that kept her on the right road.

She passed away at the age of 20 from an overdose. She let a note for my parents, thanking them for loving her like a daughter should have been loved.

Sorry, I am sure I made you cry again.

You made me cry too

 

[beaucoup]

I would seek professional help only.

 

[quentina]

1st a little background....
my sister has a little girl who just turned 3 in her care. it's a very long, sad story, but the short version is that this little girl was just "given" to my sister by a young mother. she first left the little girl with my sister about a year ago. after more than a month she took her back. she called my sister again a few months ago and asked her to take the girl permanently. my sister is handling everything legally, including adoption.
my new niece is doing amazing! she used to be very "blank". barely spoke and was expressionless most of the time. affection was foreign to her
she is now a normal acting 3 year old who we can't slow down!! she has learned what it means when we say i love you, and now tells us that she loves us constantly :

now the problem...
she is absolutely terrified of the bath/shower. it's like torture every time she needs to be bathed. my sister has tried everything including using a baby bath for her to sit in, putting her in the kitchen sink (she sees the baby do it), shower, shower with my sister, bath toys, bribes, EVERYTHING. nothing works. it hasn't even improved. she has tried just washing her, like a sponge bath, but her hair needs to be washed too! thank goodness it doesn't need to be done daily (she's black).
any suggestions???? it's just pitiful to witness

Wow....this is so weird for me to read. My 2 youngest are adopted from foster care. My son was petrified of the tub....full fledge terror. After a few weeks of trying to convince him to go in, my husband was off work sick. He went in the tub for my husband....I tried next day, nope. SO, my advice is to have someone of the opposite sex try. I believe all of the abuse my kids suffered was from the mom (I say that lightly). Eventually, he allowed me to bathe him. PS, I do my kids hair 2x per week however; they do get baths daily.

 

[weewuvvdisney]

Here's another possibility.

Years ago, we were taking care of a little boy every second weekend. The first weekend he was with us was fine - we just cleaned him up with a facecloth. He was about 1. The second weekend, my dh tried giving him a bath. The little guy screamed and screamed. I went in to try to see if I could help. Nope, he just kept screaming and screaming. We took him out and he eventually stopped. We spoke to his Mom later on and were told that he had never been in the bathtub alone. He always took his bath with his Mom. After this incident, his Mom started to give him a bath all by himself and the problem was solved.

Probably not what was going on in your case but it is a possibility.

It sounds like your sister is headed in the right direction. Thank goodness for that little girl.