Bat Mitzvah ??s

[MOMTOMOOTOO]

We have been invited to our very first Bat Mitzvah. And I am totally clueless on a few things. First, what's an appropriate gift?

Our entire family of 5 are invited. This affair sounds like no other I have ever attended. There will be a band and a DJ a CD making booth, a magician, and some carnival rides and also a kids club for the little ones (which will included caregivers) All I really know is the hall its at is one of the top wedding facilities here in NJ. I can't imagine it costing any less than a top shelf wedding.

Also, whats appropriate attire?

And lastly, are my kids going to want to convert to judeasim just to have a Bat Mitzvah?

 

[stinkerbelle]

Originally posted by MOMTOMOOTOO
Our entire family of 5 are invited. This affair sounds like no other I have ever attended. There will be a band and a DJ a CD making booth, a magician, and some carnival rides and also a kids club for the little ones (which will included caregivers) All I really know is the hall its at is one of the top wedding facilities here in NJ. I can't imagine it costing any less than a top shelf wedding.

Also, whats appropriate attire?

And lastly, are my kids going to want to convert to judeasim just to have a Bat Mitzvah?

carnival rides? dang

well - being that your entire family is invited...you are close with this family? I would personally say nothing less then $150 for a gift (yes - cash is always best.)

As for atire - these things run the gamut...from all out evening gowns (which i've worn before when attending these when I was younger) to simple sun dresses. I would go with the time of day it's at - if it's afternoon - sundress (dressy sun dress - something you would wear for Easter Sunday mass for example) if it's evening - very dressy.

 

[caitycaity]

First, what's an appropriate gift?

where i grew up, most people gave money.

 

[coliebird]

My boss threw Bar Mitvahs (sp?) like these for his 3 kids. They were over the top, formal (black tie optional) affairs. I, being the lowly paid Exec. Assistant, gave each child $100. It was what I could afford, considering I had to buy formal dresses for each occassion. They are definitely in the same league as a formal wedding.

 

[Briar Rose 7457]

I just finished with my older dd's bat mitzvah and now I'm planning the younger dd's party. guess that makes me a sort of "expert".

are you invited to both the service and the party? is the service immediately prior to the party? what time of day is it?


I'm going to assume the inviation did not say "black tie" and the party is venued at a location such as a wedding hall or a synagogue. dress as if you were going to a wedding at that facility. if you're going to the service, keep in mind that some synagogues expect a bit of modesty in your attire -- no bare shoulders, so bring a sweater or shawl.

cash is always an appropriate gift. it's customary to give in multiples of 18, but give what you feel is appropriate. the $150 mentioned by another poster seems to be in the right ballpark.

if youdon't want to give cash, I'm sure you could find something appropriate in a Judaica store.

 

[Melora]

I find it SO inappropriate what a religious rite of passage has turned into.

Its ridiculous!

An excuse for a kid to get money and flaunt how much money their parents have.

I think the whole thing should be kept to a small ceremony with family and close friends then a regular party afterwards.

Its taking what is supposed to be a special and sacred time in a childs life and turning it into a spectacle.

Please undesrtand there is no offense meant towards the Jewish Religion (I have great respect for it). My complaint is just what has happened to this tradition.

 

[Beth76]

Originally posted by MOMTOMOOTOO

And lastly, are my kids going to want to convert to judeasim just to have a Bat Mitzvah?

You don't have to convert. Haven't you heard of those rich kids (non-Jewish) who are having fake Bat/Bar Mitzvahs?

 

[Briar Rose 7457]

ugh, don't get me started on the faux mitzvah.

if you want to make a big party for your thirteen year old, go right ahead -- but don't mock my religin by calling it a faux mitzvah.

Melora, while I agree with you that this party sounds "over the top" even by current "standards", the OP is going to the party and asked for advice on what's appropriate for her as a guest.

 

[Melora]

Originally posted by Briar Rose 7457

Melora, while I agree with you that this party sounds "over the top" even by current "standards", the OP is going to the party and asked for advice on what's appropriate for her as a guest.

yes, Im sorry.. not trying to highjack any threads....

Just frustrated by the whole concept....

It was my editorial...

***Please note that the views of this poster do not in any way reflect the views of the OP.

Now back to your regularly scheduled thread.....***

 

[MOMTOMOOTOO]

Originally posted by Melora
I find it SO inappropriate what a religious rite of passage has turned into.Its ridiculous!

Well I do not disagree with that, but we are merely invited guests. I have never been to one before, and thought I'd ask a few questions.

And yes I think its over the top, but who am I to judge. To each his own.

 

[Doesney]

Originally posted by MOMTOMOOTOO
a CD making booth, a magician, and some carnival rides and also a kids club for the little ones (which will included caregivers)

A cd making booth? carnival rides? you have got to be kidding. Please tell me you are kidding.
What is a kids club at a social function?

This thread has got to be some kind of put on. Come on now, who makes CD's at a religious party?

 

[frndshpcptn]

I find it SO inappropriate what a religious rite of passage has turned into.

I'm not so sure it has just recently turned into something like this. I had my bat mitzvah in 1991 and attended quite a few in the years before that and they were about as extravagant. Growing up in Northern NJ, that was the norm for the parties. It was an opportunity to share a special event with family and friends and when you include parents friends, members of your hebrew school class, regular school friends, camp friends and relatives it could turn into quite a large gathering. I had about 100 people at mine. Everyone goes to the synagouge (even people who aren't invited to your bat mitzvah, but who just go every Saturday morning for services anyway) and then you either went straight to the party or to the after-service lunch. Then the party might be later that night. There were themes and color schemes. A lot of people tried to different things, so they weren't the same parties every weekend. For instance, the year of my bat mitzvah I had one almost every single weekend that year (besides summer-time). They can get really repetitve and doing extra, fun things were a way to stand out from the crowd and make the event your own.

In terms of dress, if its not black tie, wear a summer dress or nice suit. In terms of gift, yes, normally its in multiples of 18. When it was just me attending, I'd give $36 (don't forget--this was 13 years ago) but if the whole family went, it would be over $100.

Have fun and wish the the bat mitzvah girl a "mazel tov!"

 

[Shugardrawers]

If the invitation doesn't say formal then Sunday church or Synagogue attire is appropriate. As for a gift, if you are able to be generous that's great. If however, $150 is a lot of money for you don't feel pressured to give that. A gift is exactly that and not meant to be your admission to a fancy party. Any gift that would be suitable for a 13 year old is fine.

As for the "faux mitzvah" I don't think anyone was being insulting to Judiasm or it's traditions. In the past few years wealthier families have "borrowed" a tradition from Judiasm and begun throwing elaborate 13th birthday parties for their children. These families are not Jewish, hence the term "faux mitzvah". The term itself isn't exactly flattering to Jews and their traditions but I don't think the poster really meant it that way. If it's within the families means to do so then far be it from me to criticize them. If it's not, well, I may raise an eyebrow or but to each his own huh?

 

[stinkerbelle]

Originally posted by frndshpcptn
In terms of gift, yes, normally its in multiples of 18. When it was just me attending, I'd give $36 (don't forget--this was 13 years ago) but if the whole family went, it would be over $100.

News to the catholic girl here...

seriously - I attended soooo many of these when I was a kid - NEVER knew about the multiple of 18.

Is there a reason/tradition behind it? I'm just curious...

 

[Briar Rose 7457]

Originally posted by Doesney


This thread has got to be some kind of put on. Come on now, who makes CD's at a religious party?

We had a CD booth at my daughter's party. (but you knew that already, I suspect. )

we'd gone to a bat mitzvah showcase sponosored by ORT to get ideas for the party -- and the CD booth was the thing that fascinated my daughter the most.

well, you have to have something to entertain all the kids your child wants to invite.

you have to understand -- a bar or bat mitzvah is an important rite of passage, a life cycle event on par with a wedding. it representes years of studying Hebrew language and religion, it symbolizes that you are now an adult. it is a parent's religious obligation to make it a festive occasion, within the parent's means and discretion, of course.

if you thimk a party like that is over the top, doesney, that's fine. I won't invite you to my daughter's.

but the OP didn't ask if you thought the party was excessively elaborate -- she asked for advice on her role as a guest.

your role as guest is to help the bat mitzvah girl and her family celebrate a mile stone in her life. your role as guest is to enjoy the party and thank the host, and bring an appropriate gift. your role as guest is not to criticize the host.

 

[shelbyjosh]

I guess us Catholics are just plain cheap! We don't throw these big extravagant carnivals for our child's first communion. Heck, we had a small family (20 people) at Logan's and then went to church. I do not feel like I have to impress everyone an have the biggest party. IMHO, I think these things are a little too much! $150 gift for a bat mitzvah? No way...wouldn't be getting that from me. Maybe $50. Ithink a kid gratuating from high school is a bigger event and accomplishment than someone turning 13. I aplogize if I sound "flaming" but I just don't get why people have to flaunt their money.

 

[Briar Rose 7457]

Originally posted by stinkerbelle
News to the catholic girl here...

seriously - I attended soooo many of these when I was a kid - NEVER knew about the multiple of 18.

Is there a reason/tradition behind it? I'm just curious...

multiples of 18 is easy to eplain.

in Hebrew, each letter has a numerical value. when you write the number 18 in Hebrew letters, it spells the word "chai", which means "life" (you know, like you say l'chaim when you toast someone -- l'chaim, to life.)

 

[Briar Rose 7457]

Originally posted by shelbyjosh
I guess us Catholics are just plain cheap! We don't throw these big extravagant carnivals for our child's first communion. Heck, we had a small family (20 people) at Logan's and then went to church. I do not feel like I have to impress everyone an have the biggest party. IMHO, I think these things are a little too much! $150 gift for a bat mitzvah? No way...wouldn't be getting that from me. Maybe $50. Ithink a kid gratuating from high school is a bigger event and accomplishment than someone turning 13. I aplogize if I sound "flaming" but I just don't get why people have to flaunt their money.

it's a little different tha communiion, I think. I know communion is holy to you, but...

when my daughter celebrated her bat mitzvah, she led the entire 2 hour prayer service -- in Hebrew. she read Torah in Hebrew. and she gave a talk on the meaning of her Torah portion. (her portion was on Abraham and the three messengers who visited his tent -- the portion where Sarah laughs when the angels predict that Isaac will be born.) it's a very elaborate ceremony, she had to study a long time to be able to pull it off.

 

[MOMTOMOOTOO]

Wow, did not mean to start a debate just was looking for some tips. The bat mitzvah girl is the daughter of one of my husband's partners. The reason I know all about the festivities is beacuse of his secretary. She pretty much planned it all I have not heard of alot of these things either, but it sounds fun. My 7yo can't wait to make a cd and I can't wait to drop the 2 y/o and the 4 y/o off at the "kids club"


Thanks again for the replies. I am now ready to tackle our first bat mitzvah. And dosney, I assure you this is not a fake post

 

[frndshpcptn]

Here's the best way I can explain it (the multiples of 18)

The Hebrew word Chai means living and is an important word in the Hebrew language. Gifts to charity (and otherwise) are routinely given in multiples of 18 because the numeric value of the word Chai is 18. It sort of like luck, you give in multiples of 18 for a good life.

Does that make sense?