Bad (Step)Mom?

[RachelEllen]

I may be letting myself in for it, but I've been unable to let this go all day.

DSS is a very normal 10 year old boy, but he's really been pushing boundries lately. Not just mine. But his mom and dads. In fact, I don't ask him to do a lot, so he doesn't really have the chance to push mine as much!

It's all little stuff, but it gets so frustrating! His dad and him just got back from a weekend biking trip, and even DH said that while the trip was fun, the constant 'tude was getting so tiring.

So, this morning, DSS had to stay home with just the nanny until his mom picked him up at noon (no school - I have a 1 year old DD as well who is home with the nanny whenever I work). DH had to leave really early for a business trip, so, before work, I got DSS up, put some waffles in toaster, put sandwiches in the fridge, and put together a list of stuff he could do in the morning like extra TV time, school reading, etc. One of the things was filling out and addressin his birthday party invites.

He came down and wanted to do that right away, so he was starting as I was getting ready to head out the door. I noticed his first one had several errors on it, so I told him to please not close the envelopes, so I could proof them before we mailed them. He said, no, he wanted to close the envelopes. I said, you are doing a great job, but its always a good idea to proof read, so please just don't seal the envelopes and I'll get them in the mail when I get home. He then deliberately starts putting the first invitation (he was on the third) in an envelope. I wait a while, thinking hes just being slightly fresh, when he starts slowly licking the envelope while looking at me.

I admit, I kind of snapped, so I walked over, picked up the invitations, and threw them in the trash. He stormed upstairs.

I immediately felt awful, so I called his dad just to debrief. His dad was fine, said he understood, but DSS was just pushing my buttons, likely upset that the fun trip was over and his dad was going out of town, and wanted a reaction and next time not to give it to him.

I went up to DSS and told him that I was sorry. I shouldn't have thrown away the invites, but that he really should listen to us. (As he has been told by his dad many times in the past few months) I told him that I wasn't trying to be mean by not wanting him to seal the envelopes, I just wanted him to have a good party. He's welcome to disagree with what we ask him to do, but he needs to talk to us and give us a reason, not just ignore what we ask. I got him set up on the computer with an invitation making program on MS word and some clip art and by the time I left he seemed fine and really into making new invites.

Ok, so long, long, long. Was I beyond the pale? I just feel horrid about this. Every time I feel like I make a wrong step, its complicated by the fact I'm his step mom. Would a "real" mom have more patience, have more instinct about what to do? It's so frustrating!

 

[mickeyboat]

I know you have a lot of doubts about being a step mom, and you have been flamed on the DIS before, but I totally understand your situation, here. I have been known to let my buttons be pushed before and have reacted badly. I have also been known to apologize to my children. It happens.

I think you handled it as well as you could.

Hope your son has a nice birthday party!

 

[pearlieq]

Kids are trying at times and no one is perfect.

Was it your finest moment? No. Is it the end of the world? No.

The important thing was that you realized you had lost your cool a bit, took positive steps to calm yourself down and then went and dealt with the situation with your DSS. Given that we're all human and make mistakes, I think that the best anyone could ask of the situation.

Maybe he actually got a good lesson out of this--that adults sometimes make the wrong choice, but that when they realize it, they apologize and try to work it out.

Hang in there are keep doing your best. This, too, will pass.

 

[lovesmurfs]

You're doing the best you can. If he's in 5th grade (like my DD(10) is), hormonal stuff starts happening and it can definitely be a challenge. Partly, they seem to be becoming socially aware, and niceties, etc. get tossed out of the window.

I'd probably go get another set of invites during my lunch hour. Bring them home, and write out a sample on a blank piece of paper to help him after dinner.

 

[mjkacmom]

Well, I can tell you that, as a mom of an 11 year old boy, with many friends with 11 year old boys, this attitude, however unpleasant, is normal for this age (starts in girls about 2 years earlier, around 8). It's called adolescence, pre-teen attitude, and our job as parents is to remain calm (not easy!), and rational, and eventually, they will grow into teens who won't talk to us, go off to college, and then, when they graduate, we can have normal conversations again.

 

[KAMKIM]

Do not be too hard on yourself. Every "real" mom has bad mommy moments, some of us admit them - some dont. Some of us learn from them, some don't. Yeah maybe you overreacted but since he is only 10....I would guess this wont be the last time. Hang in there...you seem very patient and clearly understand your role versus his mothers/fathers so I think you are doing a fine job.

 

[Disney Doll]

You're nicer than my mom would have been to me had I given her that attitude...and she wasn't my step mother!

Hang in there...

 

[jen0610]

Step-child or not, if a child in my HOME had done what DSS did to you, he would have gotten the same reaction outta me.

There is 'tude, then there is down right defiant 'tude. His 'tude went over the line. He was told not to seal them and the reason why not to seal them. As soon as he started to lick the 1st envelope, in our house, that would have been one less invite going out the door, once DSS got a 'tude adjustment. It's a lesson learned. Defiant disregard of an instruction by an adult, is a major no-no around here. Doesn't matter who gives it, us, aunt/uncle, older cousins, grandparents or our friends - you had better listen to them and comply with their instructions.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

Step-child or not, if a child in my HOME had done what DSS did to you, he would have gotten the same reaction outta me.

There is 'tude, then there is down right defiant 'tude. His 'tude went over the line. He was told not to seal them and the reason why not to seal them. As soon as he started to lick the 1st envelope, in our house, that would have been one less invite going out the door, once DSS got a 'tude adjustment. It's a lesson learned. Defiant disregard of an instruction by an adult, is a major no-no around here. Doesn't matter who gives it, us, aunt/uncle, older cousins, grandparents or our friends - you had better listen to them and comply with their instructions.

What she said! And I'm a mom and stepmom.

 

[livie1205]

What she said! And I'm a mom and stepmom.

100% correct!!! I would have done the same...really I mean he looked right at you and did it? oh yeh they would have been in the trash and NOT come out!My DH would have agreed all the way....we are a mixed family and I take care of everyone in the house,our rules are the same for everyone even dss.Do not feel bad at all.

 

[Handbag Lady]

See, I would have canceled the party right then and there.

Defiance of that nature is not accepted in my family.

 

[EveDallas]

Please don't beat yourself up over this. There have been plenty of times when I have flipped over some sort of attitude that my DS is giving me. If I really feel that I've overreacted (and you obviously do) I will go apologize to him (like you did). You sound like a great step-mommy

 

[SNylund]

I may be letting myself in for it, but I've been unable to let this go all day.

DSS is a very normal 10 year old boy, but he's really been pushing boundries lately. Not just mine. But his mom and dads. In fact, I don't ask him to do a lot, so he doesn't really have the chance to push mine as much!

It's all little stuff, but it gets so frustrating! His dad and him just got back from a weekend biking trip, and even DH said that while the trip was fun, the constant 'tude was getting so tiring.

So, this morning, DSS had to stay home with just the nanny until his mom picked him up at noon (no school - I have a 1 year old DD as well who is home with the nanny whenever I work). DH had to leave really early for a business trip, so, before work, I got DSS up, put some waffles in toaster, put sandwiches in the fridge, and put together a list of stuff he could do in the morning like extra TV time, school reading, etc. One of the things was filling out and addressin his birthday party invites.

He came down and wanted to do that right away, so he was starting as I was getting ready to head out the door. I noticed his first one had several errors on it, so I told him to please not close the envelopes, so I could proof them before we mailed them. He said, no, he wanted to close the envelopes. I said, you are doing a great job, but its always a good idea to proof read, so please just don't seal the envelopes and I'll get them in the mail when I get home. He then deliberately starts putting the first invitation (he was on the third) in an envelope. I wait a while, thinking hes just being slightly fresh, when he starts slowly licking the envelope while looking at me.

I admit, I kind of snapped, so I walked over, picked up the invitations, and threw them in the trash. He stormed upstairs.

I immediately felt awful, so I called his dad just to debrief. His dad was fine, said he understood, but DSS was just pushing my buttons, likely upset that the fun trip was over and his dad was going out of town, and wanted a reaction and next time not to give it to him.

I went up to DSS and told him that I was sorry. I shouldn't have thrown away the invites, but that he really should listen to us. (As he has been told by his dad many times in the past few months) I told him that I wasn't trying to be mean by not wanting him to seal the envelopes, I just wanted him to have a good party. He's welcome to disagree with what we ask him to do, but he needs to talk to us and give us a reason, not just ignore what we ask. I got him set up on the computer with an invitation making program on MS word and some clip art and by the time I left he seemed fine and really into making new invites.

Ok, so long, long, long. Was I beyond the pale? I just feel horrid about this. Every time I feel like I make a wrong step, its complicated by the fact I'm his step mom. Would a "real" mom have more patience, have more instinct about what to do? It's so frustrating!

Nah, your fine, don't worry about it. I thought this thread was going to be something like my step mom beats me up all the time.

 

[wdwfan16]

I must be a bad mom since I would have mailed them when he went against your instructions and sealed the envelopes.

 

[Kika]

Would a "real" mom have more patience, have more instinct about what to do?

Nah, I think you're fine.
I'm a "real" mom, and I might have done the same thing. I might even have thought about canceling the party (or threatening to anyway...LOL).
The defiant 'tude is definitely not okay.

 

[Mom21]

Would a "real" mom have more patience, have more instinct about what to do? It's so frustrating!

Nope just ask my dd. She is 12 and tries me every day. I would likely have done what you did--Ok I would have yelled and screamed too, but I have no patience whatsoever. Keep up the good work.

 

[tink20]

You did snap, but you did go apologize (that probably meant alot to him). I think you did the right thing. We all snap even with our own children. Let me just say, I would let you DH be the main disciplinary. My DD, has to go to her dad's every other weekend, and her stepmom, is not nice, and now that my DD is older, she doesn't even want to go over there, I have to practically make her. Just treat him the way you would want someone to treat your child.

 

[golfgal]

See, I would have canceled the party right then and there.

Defiance of that nature is not accepted in my family.

See, I would have done the same thing and the kids know that, thus, we RARELY see the 'tude here.

Start calling him on it, all the time, he shows the 'tude, he loses something. It will stop in a hurry. Usually we give them one chance to correct themselves if the 'tude "accidently" slips out "would you like to stay home from the dance this weekend or would you like to ask us in a better way?" usually works.