BAD night! Venting.

[epcotfan]

Bad, bad night.

Had a screaming match with my father on the phone.
Some background:
I've always had a rotten relationship with him. He doesn't live in my area but I had made plans to have a visit when he came here for a little over a week a month or two ago. I told him to give me some notice when he was coming and to make arrangements on when we'd get together....
WELL...
First off he calls from a pay phone saying he'll be there for 5 minutes and to call him there Of course I'm not home. Then he calls saying he's at some hotel on a certain road but doesn't give me the phone number or his room number. Am I supposed to be telepathic? Then calls from a friends house saying he is visiting there and to call there. I don't get the message until after 11:00pm. I certainly am not going to call strangers on a weeknight asking where my father is. Anyhow I wait and wait and he doesn't get in touch with me again while he is in town. Now he can spend over a week in the city with his friends but can't visit his only biological relative. ME.

Fast forward to tonight.

I pick up the phone. He says sarcastically do you know who this is? I say yes..getting tense. He then goes on to mention how he always calls and leaves messages and I never talk to him. I don't remember getting messages What messages? I say I haven't gotten your messages. Anyways I'm getting angry. He plays this card everytime. I'm so sick of it. I called why don't you call, blah, blah. So I throw it back at him saying You bleeping came to town for 10 days and couldn't be bothered to see me?
He says he isn't going to put up with me talking like that so I hang up on him.
Anyways I'm pretty upset. My mom sees me freaking and crying (which I don't normally do) and tries to comfort me. Phone rings again. I don't pick up. I get my mom to listen to the voicemail. He leaves a nasty message saying he's sick of my answering maching and we have stuff to work out and that I should respect him. I don't respect anyone that start a conversation in an accusatory tone.

Why can't he just call and say "how's it going?" like any other human being. I never call him and do that.

This guy has been emotionally abusing me since I was little. I'm 30 now. He hasn't been a daily part of my life since I was 13 or 14. He used to threaten suicide to get attention. He wasn't happy unless everyone else was unhappy. He always had plenty of time for his friends but not for his wife or kid. I could tell in his voice tonight he was in one of his moods. I have enough problems going on right now for him to take out his blankety blank on me. Everything has always been on his terms. Only when it is convenient for him.

I gave him my online webcam a couple of years ago so we could have video chats to save on long distance. He refuses to use it because he doesn't want someone hacking into his computer. He also won't use instant messaging programs because he thinks someone will get his info. It isn't like I haven't opened the gateway to communication. I have an online business so much of my time is on the computer. I'm easy to get a hold of via ICQ or whatever.

People have a hard time understanding my angry feelings when I explain his behavior. It would been better if I had bruises to show. Then at least it is some concrete proof of the hurt.

I am very upset.

Thanks for letting me vent.

 

[Keli]

There are some people with whom it is impossible to have a normal, healthy relationship. You dad sounds like one of those folks. I'm so sorry. It must be exceedingly difficult to deal with this guy.

 

[annemariec]

Sorry to hear about it, Epcotfan.

Keli's right. It's gotta be hard. You want a good relationship with your dad. But you have to be met at least half-way for it to work.

Annemarie

 

[epcotfan]

Thanks guys. I guess I'm upset because I didn't expect to be so angry. I suppose it is the power of a parent's guilt trip that gets to me. I start second guessing myself and perhaps I was the one that was wrong. I'm just so tired of the same song and dance with him. My mom firmly agrees that I did the right thing by not putting up with it again. I have enough problems to deal with. She admitted tonight she always thought I should sever ties with him but didn't say so because she didn't want to ruin anything. It is really hard when a parent doesn't care about you. I was always an afterthought so I began treating him the same way when I got older. I suppose my subconscious feelings were getting the better of me. I know he never liked me all that much but it can still get to you. Bothers me the most when I realize one half of my family is gone. I'm an only child so I get freaked when I realize that.

 

[Tony-NJ]

I'm sorry epcotfan. It seems that you want to try and he is making it difficult. {{{{HUGS}}}} I hope you get to enjoy your Thanksgiving.

 

[snoopy]

Tracy, you have every right to be upset. My Dad is deceased, but I realize how lucky and blessed I was to have had such a wonderful Dad when I read stories like this.

{{{hugs}}} to you. Hope you and your mom have a nice Thanksgiving in spite of all this.

 

[helenabear]

Tracy, I am so sorry he puts you through all of this {{{hugs}}}

 

[C.Ann]

I watched my first husband do this to our 3 children for years and years.. They're all in their 30's now..

Two of them have totally messed up their lives because they keep going back for another "emotional beating"..

One is very successful and very happy.. She's the one who cut all ties with him many years ago..

I'm not saying that's what you should do - just giving you a real case scenario..

I feel so bad for you.. Try to have a Happy Thanksgiving anyhow - okay?

Higs,
C.Ann

 

[Disney Doll]

So sorry about your distress. These sort fo things are so hard.

My DH has a sister like this. I can only give you some advice, which we have learned after years of dealing with her.

You cannot control another person's behavior. All you can control is your own behavior. Your father is looking for exactly the reaction you give him. There are people in the world who thrive on others' unhappiness, being able to control others' emotions. I gave this suggestion to my DH (after it took me like 11 years to figure out!) on handling his sister.

If you must have a conversation with your father, keep your tone of voice even and indifferent. No matter what he says or does, maintain an even, indifferent tone of voice. If he says "You don't respect me" say "It's to bad you feel that way". The key is to make him take responsibility for his statements and behavior. If he says "I'm tired of talking to your answering machine" say "It's too bad you feel that way. All of the other people who care about me have no problem leaving me a message". You get the idea.

Now obviously, this is extraordinarily hard. It took my DH lots of practice and he still blows it once in a while.But it works.

Your other option is to take your mother's advice and remove him from your life, which wouldn't be a bad idea either. I have never been a "family is everything" kind of person. Sometimes, your family will scr** you worse than any sranger. If a family member showed little or no respect for me on a continuing basis, I would cut ties. I'd go to therapy to help me realize that I made the right decision, but I just couldn't picture tolerating that kind of behavior from anyone.

 

[wdw4us]

don't let him do this to you. Move on. If you feel like talking to him, give HIM a call. Why not keep HIM off guard. Your at his mercy at the moment.

Your better than that, he needs some help and your not the one to boost his ego. If you continue to be a mat and accept his stomping, you'll only end up with a sandy head.

Get up, brush yourself off and walk away. He needs you more than you need him. Spend time with those that care about YOU.

take care.

denise

 

[Serena]

I am so sorry you have to deal with a father like that. I don't have any advice exept maybe to take care of yourself and realize it isn't your fault.

{{{hugs}}}

 

[nativetxn]

Sorry you had a bad night. I'm not going to offer any advice just {{{HUGS}}}

 

[bumcat]

I completely understand your hurt and anger. Emotional abuse is just as damaging as other abuses.
I gave up on having a relationship with my father 13 yrs ago but it took me several years to really decide it was best for me. I am no longer the emotional basket case that I was. take care.

 

[Boots]

{{{{HUGS}}}}

 

[epcotfan]

Thanks everyone for your advice and comfort. It has been very helpful. It is a shame that so many others have had these similar experiences.