bad day for dd...just need to vent

[taximomfor4]

I posted a video of dd dancing a few days ago. Well, yesterday she had her first dance comp of the season. Had terrible dizzy spells throughout the day. She even seriously considered skipping several of her competitions, which is waaaay unusual for her. She LOVES the stage.

We aren't sure why the dizziness...but she cried several times throughout the day, it got so bad on and off. But she persevered, holding a wet cloth to her forehead between competitions, and hiding it behind the stage when her turn to dance came. But after it all, she came home COMPLETELY empty-handed. Six competitions, that she prepared so thoroughly for. Six lists of places went up. Six chances to get SOMETHING. A medal, a ribbon, SOMETHING. She got nada.

I feel just awful for her. She's worked sooooooo hard. She has to! But NOTHING. She pushed herself sooo hard. I tried to explain that often, winning isn't a medal. Sometimes, winning is digging deep and pushing yourself. And sometimes, winning is even knowing when to NOT compete because you're too sick. I knew she was near that line, and many kids would have skipped dancing, knowing they weren't at their best. She pushed herself, buckled down, and got on the stage. She even grinned at the judge while she danced her favorite dance.

I know she will hit a wall, that realistically, she probably won't reach the level many dancers can reach. This was only one competition, but I just have that sinking feeling. She is going to have to learn to NOT medal because I think that wall is closer than we hoped.

Anyway, just had to post somewhere. Can't talk to most people I know, they don't have kids with challenges like this. Plus, I don't want dd to hear me, you know?

Beth

 

[bookwormde]

Sounds like your daughter did much better than most children without “challenges” would have done under the same circumstances. The only “walls” in her way of the important things in life are the ones she creates in her mind and it sounds like you have supported her to the point that that is not a problem.

Better day and luck next time

bookwormde

 

[alizesmom]

Sending hugs to DD who made a fantastic effort. Karen

 

[KirstenB]

I'm sorry she was sick. I hear you about your daughter's challenges. She really does have to work much harder for the same goal.

 

[Piper]

I know how difficult it is to see a child work so hard and come away with no tangible reward. But you were right to tell her the reward was knowing she did her best and tried her hardest through challenges.

So many children do nothing without a material reward--when life is really about knowing that you did your best whatever the outcome. That is a difficult lesson to learn and you have helped her to take a step in that direction.

You are a fabulous mother!

 

[taximomfor4]

OP here...thanks everyone. It was so hard not to cry, when dd had silent tears rolling down her face (while holding a wet cloth to her forehead, and staring at the placements on the wall.)

I knew when she danced in her soft shoes and didn't place in either dance, she was certainly not going to place in her hard shoes.

Arrggh. Sometimes valuable lessons are so painful to watch.

 

[mechurchlady]

It is not her failure to place but her being a trooper who battled illness to compete. Did she have a hissy fit and break things because she was not top in the competition? Look not on her failures but on her successes in life. Look for her good qualities and attributes. A lot of kids would have not tried to compete and some kids would have been very nasty little brats if they did not win. You are mightily blessed to have your daughter and I know you are very proud of her.

I never could and never wanted kids but if God gave me one then your daughter would be the type of kid I would want, She is an amazing child.

Big hugs
Laurie

 

[taximomfor4]

It is not her failure to place but her being a trooper who battled illness to compete. Did she have a hissy fit and break things because she was not top in the competition? Look not on her failures but on her successes in life. Look for her good qualities and attributes. A lot of kids would have not tried to compete and some kids would have been very nasty little brats if they did not win. You are mightily blessed to have your daughter and I know you are very proud of her.

I never could and never wanted kids but if God gave me one then your daughter would be the type of kid I would want, She is an amazing child.

Big hugs
Laurie

Very sweet of you. It's kind of nice sometimes to just be able to vent a bit, and get support and perspective at the same time! And you are soooo right. On an Irish Dance message board today, someone who was at THE SAME COMPETITION is complaining about the chintzy Walmart prize her daughter won. I NEVER want to be like that, nor have my daughters be like that.

 

[TriMom]

I am proud of you both

 

[dclfun]

Beth- oh my heart hurts to hear how disappointed she was after working so hard. Everyone is right though- she IS a winner in overcoming all that she's overcome to even be able to get up on that stage, esp on a day when she was feeling so badly. A lesson was learned, albeit a hard one. I wish most people had the values your daughter has- perseverance, determination, hard-work, and even a smile for the judge. Hugs to you both...---Kathy

 

[BeckyScott]

(apologizing in advance for the rambling)

Justin took taekwondo for a while, and he hit the wall fairly early on it.

He stayed in the preschool-level class longer than he *should have*, because the instructor was cool with that and it was a shorter class and the expectations were different.

However, once he was about a head-and-a-half taller than every other kid there, I realized he needed to go into the regular class.

Wasn't going to work. He wasn't ever going to be able to test, he would just stay in the same class for forever I guess, while the other kids moved thru and out. I don't know if he sensed that or not, or if it was just me that felt bad.

I also realized that while the instructors, the system there, were fine with him taking lessons, they really didn't know how to accomodate. There are specific things in place for physical disabilities, not so much for neural. I was attending class with him as his extremely uncoordinated para. It was a good learning experience for us and it did help his coordination and stamina. But it seems at some point we hit this spot where he didn't fit in any more. (I think I posted about it a long time ago here on this board)

We had the same thing happen with swim lessons. I think it's really really important for him to learn to swim, for safety. He likes water a little too much. He was fine in the preschool lessons, while he didn't learn to swim, he blended in. The preschool class the parents were in the pool, too, so no prob. Then he went to the beginner level class and it happened again. They didn't know quite what to do with him, although they did try. But he needed too much extra attention to really learn anything. He mostly just stood on the fringe and played.

Then I found out the local bowling alley did "adaptive bowling" one afternoon a week, and I thought cool, at least we'll fit in! No. Well, better, but not exactly. It was all adults. Group homes on a field trip, sort of, everyone else there was at least 20 years old. So the kids didn't really have fun. But it was the closest we've gotten to blending in a long time. Everyone was quite helpful and showed me how to set up the ball-rolling ramp and how to put up the bumpers. But still.

I guess maybe that's our future, it just didn't seem right for the present. I don't mean this to sound the wrong way, but it just seemed like giving up. Making that transition from somewhat blending into a regular setting, vs having to seek out a setting geared specifically towards the disabled. It's heartbreaking. I know I shouldn't be upset about that, you know, at least we got away with it for a while, and some kids don't ever get that option. I hope you all understand what I mean.

I noticed that in the summer, the pool does adaptive swimming one morning a week, too, I suspect the same crowd, but we might have to give that a shot.

It's just hard, 'cause the kids don't fit in anywhere. I'm not in that big of a town. When Justin was preschool-aged it wasn't that big of a deal, he blended all right, but as he gets older it gets more obvious, and it gets harder.

 

[taximomfor4]

(apologizing in advance for the rambling)

Justin took taekwondo for a while, and he hit the wall fairly early on it.

He stayed in the preschool-level class longer than he *should have*, because the instructor was cool with that and it was a shorter class and the expectations were different.

However, once he was about a head-and-a-half taller than every other kid there, I realized he needed to go into the regular class.

Wasn't going to work. He wasn't ever going to be able to test, he would just stay in the same class for forever I guess, while the other kids moved thru and out. I don't know if he sensed that or not, or if it was just me that felt bad.

I also realized that while the instructors, the system there, were fine with him taking lessons, they really didn't know how to accomodate. There are specific things in place for physical disabilities, not so much for neural. I was attending class with him as his extremely uncoordinated para. It was a good learning experience for us and it did help his coordination and stamina. But it seems at some point we hit this spot where he didn't fit in any more. (I think I posted about it a long time ago here on this board)

We had the same thing happen with swim lessons. I think it's really really important for him to learn to swim, for safety. He likes water a little too much. He was fine in the preschool lessons, while he didn't learn to swim, he blended in. The preschool class the parents were in the pool, too, so no prob. Then he went to the beginner level class and it happened again. They didn't know quite what to do with him, although they did try. But he needed too much extra attention to really learn anything. He mostly just stood on the fringe and played.

Then I found out the local bowling alley did "adaptive bowling" one afternoon a week, and I thought cool, at least we'll fit in! No. Well, better, but not exactly. It was all adults. Group homes on a field trip, sort of, everyone else there was at least 20 years old. So the kids didn't really have fun. But it was the closest we've gotten to blending in a long time. Everyone was quite helpful and showed me how to set up the ball-rolling ramp and how to put up the bumpers. But still.

I guess maybe that's our future, it just didn't seem right for the present. I don't mean this to sound the wrong way, but it just seemed like giving up. Making that transition from somewhat blending into a regular setting, vs having to seek out a setting geared specifically towards the disabled. It's heartbreaking. I know I shouldn't be upset about that, you know, at least we got away with it for a while, and some kids don't ever get that option. I hope you all understand what I mean.

I noticed that in the summer, the pool does adaptive swimming one morning a week, too, I suspect the same crowd, but we might have to give that a shot.

It's just hard, 'cause the kids don't fit in anywhere. I'm not in that big of a town. When Justin was preschool-aged it wasn't that big of a deal, he blended all right, but as he gets older it gets more obvious, and it gets harder.

Wow, yes......

We pulled dd out of swimming after trying the beginner class for over a year. She nearly drowned, I guess they didn't take me seriously that she has needs. She looks so typical (as you can tell in the video I posted with her dancing).

I guess every time she has a difficult time at something (even typically abled kids do, as well), in the back of my mind I can't help but wonder if "This is it. The wall." Dancing is such a part of her life, this won't be her wall. *then again, ask me in a year when everyone has won this level of competition and left her behind.* NOT YET, please.

 

[mechurchlady]

I would not give up on the swimming. Take classes as long as possible then find ways to let the kids swim in the swallow end of the pool. They may hit the wall but still try to find some way for them to still do what they love. Adapt and make do with what God gives you. I miss swimming very much but quit going after some bullies took over the public pool.

Big hugs to a bunch of great moms.

I read a story on a profile at a site I belong to.

3 men are at the edge of a deep and fast moving river.

The first man prays for strength to cross the river and he gets muscles but nearly drowns and takes hours to cross.

The second man then prays for a boat to cross the river and he barely makes it across after hours of rowing.

The third man then prays for wisdom and is turned into a woman. She turns and walks 50 feet to the bridge that she uses to cross the river with ease.


hugs
Laurie
chin up
prayers for you and your kids

 

[barkley]

one thing you may want to share with your dd is that when it comes to dancing and other performing arts auditions/competitions-whomever wins a role or an award on a particular day is not indicative of who was/is the best dancer/singer/actor, or who works the hardest at it-it often comes down to whomever performed in the manner that a particular judge or judges/director was looking for that day (and it can change day to day-drives you mad). performing arts, esp. dancing while it has specific technical moves and steps that are supposed to be used as the basis for judging are totaly subjective.

my dd (not a special needs kid) thinks i'm the meanest mom in the world because while i do community theatre i won't let her audition or compete for roles. my reasoning is while she is pretty darn good i know that in her heart and mind she wants to play roles she is totaly unsuited for (she is not the waif like princessy type physicaly) and that she would see every time she was not selected for these roles as a disappointment/failure. no amount of consolation on my part or explaining that it's not based on some kind of perceived failing on her part would convince. for that reason, until she's old enough to understand where her 'place' role wise is, i only let her participate in the school shows or community theatre productions where all the kids that come out get to participate. in this way i'm allowing her to explore her love of the theatre, but sheilding her from the disappointments that i know (knowing my own dd) might well extinguish the love she has for performing in the first place.

does the studio your dd study at place a big emphasis on competitions? some studios absolutly do not-and if your dd just loves dancing for the joy of dancing, maybe finding a studio or an instructor that promotes that could be just the thing.

 

[Schmeck]

I guess regular dance competitions are run differently - everyone gets a medal, based on where their score placed in a range of scores. I wonder why they don't do this for Irish Step?

Of course, they also have the infamous 'wedgie' awards, the 'special' awards that one judge comes up with - 'oh, your costume was so pink, that we're giving you the pretty in pink award'. We call them the wedgie awards because some day I swear they're going to give one to some poor kid whose costume rode up her butt and she didn't pick it out...

 

[taximomfor4]

does the studio your dd study at place a big emphasis on competitions? some studios absolutly do not-and if your dd just loves dancing for the joy of dancing, maybe finding a studio or an instructor that promotes that could be just the thing.

Our dance school does NOT place much emphasis on competition (honestly puts our kids at sort of a disadvantage in the earlier levels). It does have world championship-quality teams, though. Once kids get selected for teams, they tend to do better in solos too, just because they are suddenly getting those technical flaws corrected. Rissa desperately wants to be on a team "when she grows up." In the meantime, we are lucky our school doesn't harp on the kids for not winning...our teacher is happy for the kids when they place, but doesn't mandate competition at all.

I don't know about other forms of dance, but for Irish, you see when there is a competition (feis) you can go to. If you want, then, you sign yourself up...you go, you compete. Then, at our school, you log your results into a book. EXCEPT for team dances. The teacher will put a signup list for a particular feis, the kids sign up, they get assigned to teams. The championship teams are different. The teacher quietly calls handpicked kids and invites them. That's it. My oldest was already passed by. If she's passed by again this year we may change to a new school. A "team" school is illogical if you aren't going to be on teams!

As far as judging, I know it is super political. I have heard that once kids get their solo dresses, it is usually better. Until then, they can be identified at any feis by the school dress they're wearing. Can help or can hinder. We don't mess with that, because Rissa doesn't dance to win. She dances because she likes it, and lately, to see her name up on the board.

Funny, last year at one feis, she placed 3rd in one dance and NOTHING else for the rest of the day. She was happy, chipper, and cheerful holding that medal all the way home.

 

[taximomfor4]

I guess regular dance competitions are run differently - everyone gets a medal, based on where their score placed in a range of scores. I wonder why they don't do this for Irish Step?

Of course, they also have the infamous 'wedgie' awards, the 'special' awards that one judge comes up with - 'oh, your costume was so pink, that we're giving you the pretty in pink award'. We call them the wedgie awards because some day I swear they're going to give one to some poor kid whose costume rode up her butt and she didn't pick it out...

In First Feis, and often in Beginner competitions (Your first year of taking lessons), everyone gets SOMETHING. Like 1st, 2nd, 3rd get medals and everyone else gets a ribbon. Rissa's first year she got all ribbons...but like I stated, our kids miss a ton of basics early on because we're not a solo school.

Wedgie awards...I could see Irish Dance having a "Saggy Socks" award. There's always SOMEONE who forgot their sock glue that day! Oh, and a "Baldie" award for the girl whose wig falls off while she's dancing!

 

[dclfun]

Wow...I knew I didn't know much about the particulars of Irish Dance besides enjoying it very much as a spectator. I think the fact that there's so much to learn about the history of the dance and the competitions is a major accomplishment- something your daughter knows about but many others do not. Maybe there IS a school out there that can provide more of what your family needs. Gee, I didn't even know there was sock glue!---Kathy

 

[Schmeck]

I didn't know there was sock glue either - my daughter's group tap costume has long striped socks - they could certainly use some glue for those! We had to sew extra elastic in them, what a pain! Hey, would the glue help with wedgies too? (And the baldie comment - LOL!, poor kids, I'd never laugh at them when/if that kind of thing happens, of course, but still, the drama of it all!)

It's tough when your child 'hits the wall' - my youngest is still struggling with progress in dance. She has her first solo this year and I hope she will not be too crushed if she gets a low score/award. She knows she has a solo to help her get over her stage nervousness, so that she can present better to the judges, but I know she wants to do her best, and not get a score so much lower than her friends. I'm going to make sure that she feels like she's 'won' just by getting up there alone on stage! Hopefully, she won't pass out or wet her pants, LOL!

 

[CheshireSmile]

Hello, former Irish dancer and instructor here. After having watched many of my students struggle and not do well in competitions, I know how incredibly frustrating it was for them. I saw them every week and I saw them improve and improve. I remember when they were wobbling all over and slipping in their hard shoes and just the incredible NOISE that they all created when learning dances. But no matter how any of my students did in competitions, I made sure that they knew how proud I was of them. Irish dancing is HARD, I will challenge anyone out there who thinks that any other form of dance is as difficult. Show me another dance style that has two different types of shoes that vary SO greatly. I think any child who takes on the dance, learns it, and is willing to show it off is a winner, hands down. Besides by the time you dress them up in all their regalia (never was a fan) I'm sometimes surprised they can dance at all! I danced for a school that only hosted intra-school competitions, and I never even went to those, competing was never my thing. I just LOVED the dance, and it showed on my face and I felt it in my heart. And I hope it's the same for your daughter. It's such a wonderful thing to be involved with, a great way to show pride for heritage, it's GREAT exercise, and of course it's FUN! Whenever my kids would do something right, whether it was completing the first jig, or even starting with their right foot every time (can you tell I teach the 4 and 5 year olds?) I would give them such a big cheer that those kids looked like they had won the lottery. I hope your daughter really loves the dance and continues with it as long as she loves it. I know not placing in competitions is frustrating for the dancers and obviously their parents as well, but all our dancers are winners in the eyes of the teachers because we see what goes into it class after class and week after week and year after year, and that is the biggest award of all. Our dancers make us proud.