babysitter issue - wwyd? UPDATE in OP

[heatherwillmom]

I started reading this thread yesterday but now that you've posted an update, I''m ready to respond!

I don't have children so I can't speak from the "It's so hard to find good childcare" standpoint, but I have been working with children since I was in high school, from babysitter to camp counselor and now teacher.

That said, I think it's completely wrong that she used your washing machine without permission AND the fact that she lied about what she washed is very concerning to me. I would NEVER, EVER touch something in someone's house unless I was specifically told I could. I find that so disrespectful.

I'm actually very surprised at the amount of people who are saying it's no big deal, let it go.

The amount of people who are saying "let it go" are probable parents who have tried to get good childcare. if you've never had to do it, you really don't understand what a difficult decision it is.

 

[heatherwillmom]

for OP, you are the only one that really knows this girl & it is your child. Don't let others make your decision. I'm sure you will make the right decision in the end. Some of the replies have really gotten off topic

 

[penn19]

Honestly, I'd give it a while and then casually say, "Oh, if you ever need to do your laundry over here, I don't mind. Fridays are good days."

Agreed.

I can see where she maybe felt backed into a corner, and was afraid that you would be mad at her for doing laundry.

But really, if she is good with your kid, I would let this one go by. Yes, keep it in the back of my mind, but move forward.

 

[Nancyg56]

This is what I'm tending towards right now. I really am very low key and non-confrontational, and our house is very laid back. I'm hoping the "you know that I know that you did . . . ." dynamic is enough to set things straight.

Thanks to everyone who gave this issue some thought. (I'm still interested in more perspectives, though!)

Jane

I've always felt like, if you know something to be true, don't set someone up to lie about it.

I don't condone lying, but I do understand how she could have felt panicked, scared, backed into a corner, etc. We've all made mistakes and I'm betting even most DISers have lied a time or two to save themselves from harm. I think she was probably afraid you were going to fire her, so she lied.

Just because we lie once or make a mistake doesn't mean it's going to happen often. If she's good in all other areas, I'd accept the lie for what it was and move on.

ITA. I bet the initial tone of the conversation is what frightened her and she made an error in judgement. I think that had you just told her that washing the clothes was fine and then asked her if there was any other ways that you could make her comfortable in your home this would have had a different ending. You would nto be edgy about her and she would be more relaxed about talking to you.

I understand that you are nto confrontational and that you were trying to get to the bottom of the laundry basket, so to speak, but you did set her up to lie. Was she in the right? No. But with respect, the way you did and are handling this is a little passive aggressive.

This girl is taking good care of your child. I would try to turn this around now. I would not be "watching" her, that is what scared her in teh first place. I would sit down and let her know what is acceptable for her and what is not. I would not back her into the corner, I would draw her out and try for a new beginning so that both of you are on the same page. It is a shame that this was not done initially. Good luck!

 

[robinb]

Agree completely.

I'm not sure why the thread is deteriorating into "sadly, the OP's greater concern for her laundry machine than her child will probably cost this great nanny her job"?

Doing laundry is fine. Asking would have been better. Lying about it when mildly questioned, not good, but perhaps the result of immature panic in the moment. Complexity of lie and ease of doing so not reassuring, but some people are quick on the recovery and smooth. Could be evidence of simply this, or a more devious and nefarious character. Originally and still true, her treatment of my son when I have observed her (and when others have - Gymboree teacher raves about her) is excellent. She is present with others during her care of DS for 31 out of 42 hours. Do I think she can keep up a Mary Poppins charade for that length of time and devolve into habitual liar who will abuse or neglect my son because no one is there to see it in the remaining 11 hours? Unlikely, but who can know for sure?

Conclusion - as mentioned, this incident is a hiccup in our mutually developing trusting relationship. On days I am out, I will observe a little more carefully on my return the state of the house and DS. I will mentally cross check stories to the extent I can to confirm consistancy. This will continue, in the background of my brain, until no similar repetitions occur and future wonderful behavior overrides this occurrence.

Granted, we all believe wholeheartedly in our own journey, but I think my initial and continued ambivalence was/is reasonable.

I appreciate everyone who offered their thoughts.

Jane

It's probably because I am a more confrontational person, but I would feel the need to completely clear the air with her. My guess is that your non-confrontation tendencies led you to your line of questioning instead of just asking her outright if she did the laundry. I can't agree with kirstenb1 that nothing good will come from speaking to her. There are advantages to you following up with her that you may not have thought of.

1. It will let her know that you caught her doing something without permission. Caught red handed, not almost caught.
2. It will let her know that you caught her lie.
3. It will clear the air so she isn't looking over her shoulder all the time and you are not back here next week looking for advise on a Nannycam. You will both be able to put this behind you.
4. Lastly, if you don't confront her she will think that she dodged the bullet and got away with using your stuff without permission and then lying about it. This is probably the most important of them all. Allowing her to think she got away with something will do nothing to rebuild the trust and respect you need in each other.

 

[Disneyrsh]

ok

 

[MizTink]

maybe now that she knows that you noticed she won't do it again. if she does, then you will need to know exactly how to handle it. you need to decide now whether she can do her laundry there or not.
if not, it will be your opportunity to approach her and let her know that it's not ok with you.
if it IS ok, still let her know that you noticed. maybe by "reminding her" not to use the bleach dispenser....
i think the main thing is that YOU need to decide if she can do her laundry while at your home or not.

 

[Bethenny]

I'm sorry but how do you know that she lied? Because the onesies were in the same spot that you put them before? Wouldn't she fold them and put them back in the same spot? It really sounds like you are going out of your way to find fault in this situation.

 

[livie1205]

Thank you, that is exactly it. Sometimes on the net, it is hard to convey your point. I just think that if something really serious occurred, this girl would lie, lie, lie. I would have to have someone I could trust with my children's life, simple as that.

so everyone that lies should not be around kids? she washed her clothes...so what...also how do we know what she said was a lie? because OP is SURE the clothes had not been moved? op could have been the one mistaken..why just asume the girl lied?

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

Let's just say she did lie. Because I think she did, so we're going to go with that for a minute.

The lie shows a lack of respect for the employer. The lie also shows a lack of good judgement. If she had to make a fast decision about lying or telling the truth, and she chose to lie, it seems to me that her judgement is a bit off. It also tells me that this level of defensiveness and need to cover with an elaborate story might be a reason for concern in the future. Perhaps not, but maybe.

Again, I will encourage a written work agreement that details your expectations and gives her some clear boundaries.

I do understand about being afraid and lying. When I was 16 I worked in an ice cream shop. One day I accidentally dropped a stack of cup lids into a bucket of dirty mop water. I fished the lids out of the bucket and threw them in the trash. The lady who owned the shop came in later that day and found the lids in the trash. She took them out of the trash, came storming out of the stock room, and demanded to know WHO threw them away and WHY. I was PETRIFIED. So I said I didn't know. I was so afraid I would get in trouble for dropping them in the bucket I couldn't bring myself to admit it. But I didn't make up some BIG story about it, either.

 

[java]

Time for a nanny cam.

 

[shortbun]

I don't really understand why you worried about it to begin with. You backed her into a corner with YOUR little story so she told one of her own. Leave it alone.

 

[Imzadi]

I'm not sure why you didn't just come out and ask her if she washed her own clothes instead of setting up a trap for her. I think that your line of questioning backed her into a corner and she felt like she had to lie to keep her job. Especially when your questions made it clear the correct answer was: "There were special circumstances and I washed your clothes!". Sadly, the lie will probably lose her the job instead.

Yes, POINTING OUT: OP, you weren't very honest & straight forward yourself in how you handled it. You have to accept responsibility for your own little deception at how you spoke to her. You are now holding the babysitter to a higher standard than what you used.

Unless you are a great liar yourself, She probably sensed your "casualness" about the question was off. That your question had more importance than you tried to appear to give it. Because of that, she felt her answer was of utmost importance, fearing using the washing machine will cost her her job.

Apparently, she was right as it looks like she WILL lose her job eventually over this: whether it's because she lied about it, or because she used the washer, it comes down to her whole job hangs on the fact that she used the washer. You will be scrutinizing every thing she does from now on.

 

[Illuminations_Rocks]

I think, at this point, you need to tell her that it's ok to do her laundry at your home, if you think it is, but that she should ask you if she can use any of your other larger personal items not related to DS in the future. Maybe you don't have to let her know that you know she lied to you, if you don't feel comfortable. But she'll probably get the picture that you know anyway.

I'd just say "hey Nanny, i just wanted to make sure you understood how to work the washing machine as it is a little tricky sometimes, since you used the bleach dispenser on DS's onesies I think it's best if we go over how to use it. Feel free to do some of your laundry here if you'd like to after we go over the directions. If you ever want to use any of our appliances or anything in the future just let me know so I can be sure you know how!"

Basically, if you're anti-confrontation, it lets her know that you know, but that it wasn't a big deal, just that she should get clearance in the future.

 

[Liberty Belle]

Look, there are two types of reactions when people are put on the spot:

One fesses up and admits what they did was wrong and apologizes.

One lies.

You picked the one who lies to raise your kid.

Are you calling her husband/partner a liar?

 

[janey99]

I'm confused by the posters who think I lied - my bleach dispenser does make spots on clothes. In fact, the reason I am sensitive to it right now is that last week, I washed my bed stuff and my blue duvet cover ended up with bleached dots on it where it laid in the washer against the holes in the drum. At the time, I thought "that's weird, that only happened way back when I used the bleach dispenser and now I don't use it any more." That incident tuned me in to the bleach smell yesterday, and is why I think she washed her clothes yesterday and probably last week too (hence the spots on my comforter cover when I did the next load after her bleach load).

Am I missing where you think I lied?

Jack Skellington's girl - we do have a work agreement. It doesn't spell out (who woulda thunk?) "thou shalt ask before using the employer's laundry for personal use!"

Jane

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

Yes, there are limitations to a work agreement. Even after 17 years as a nanny there are things that come up and I say to myself "Dang. I need to have this added to my next contract." There is simply no way to anticipate everything that COULD come up.

A long time ago there was a contract online that was a compilation of every bad experience a BUNCH of nannies had encountered over a BUNCH of jobs. It was awesome.

 

[DisneyLover83]

As a former nanny, get a nanny cam tonight (check your state laws to see if you need to tell her she is being recorded). This will solve the "laundry/lie" issue. Also, just be straight forward with her, if you want an open and honest relationship with her then you need to be building it, your questioning her did sort of seem misleading. Just ask her "Were you doing your laundry in my house?" and then tell her yes she can, or no she can't.

 

[sja03a]

I totally agree!

I also guess we don't have any other House fans on this thread but as the good Dr. Says

EVERYBODY LIES

I looooove HOUSE!!

I used to be a nanny and the family was so laid back they told me when I started to make myself at home and that I could do anything I needed to (as long as the kids were taken care of first). I usually got things done during their nap time as I was a live out and didn't have much to do for them except straighten up after the kids as far as cleaning etc. It was very convenient to be able to do this.

I agree with other posters that she was probably nervous and I would just let her know that you don't mind her doing her laundry there but she should have asked first. "no biggie but we need to have an open communication/respect for each other" etc.

Good luck

 

[handinpocket]

I'm confused by the posters who think I lied - my bleach dispenser does make spots on clothes. In fact, the reason I am sensitive to it right now is that last week, I washed my bed stuff and my blue duvet cover ended up with bleached dots on it where it laid in the washer against the holes in the drum. At the time, I thought "that's weird, that only happened way back when I used the bleach dispenser and now I don't use it any more." That incident tuned me in to the bleach smell yesterday, and is why I think she washed her clothes yesterday and probably last week too (hence the spots on my comforter cover when I did the next load after her bleach load).

Am I missing where you think I lied?

Jack Skellington's girl - we do have a work agreement. It doesn't spell out (who woulda thunk?) "thou shalt ask before using the employer's laundry for personal use!"

Jane

Bored people that NEED a bone to pick, NEED an argument satisfied. I wouldn't give it a second thought.