babysitter issue - wwyd? UPDATE in OP

[Wishing on a star]

This is what I'm tending towards right now. I really am very low key and non-confrontational, and our house is very laid back. I'm hoping the "you know that I know that you did . . . ." dynamic is enough to set things straight.

Thanks to everyone who gave this issue some thought. (I'm still interested in more perspectives, though!)

Jane

I would totally support you in giving her another chance. Especially if she is younger!

However, even if you like to be low-key and non-confrontational... (which might be why it was hard for you come-off right and set the right vibe in your initial conversation) I would still want to have that 'talk' about how much you love her work, and you might not mind if she did a couple loads of laundry... BUT, how you need to have more open trust and respect...

The whole 'now you know I am watching', could really backfire by spreading more mistrust and 'threat', and innuendo. Open, simple, communication HAS to be the way to go.

Good Luck!

 

[janey99]

Hi there~ Former nanny here....

I was also a "live out" nanny who would go to the family's house each day. I was there 40+ hours a week, depending on if the mom was traveling or not. That intial "getting used to each other" period can be tricky. I'm leaning towards it being a situation where she was embarassed and lied to cover up using the washer and dryer for her own stuff. I used to do my laundry at the family's house too. I was 20 when I started with them, and while I still lived at home, my mom and stepdad didn't do my laundry, I was expected to do my own and they got mad when I left stuff in the washer or dryer. Being at work so much, and having the active social life that a lot of young people have, I was hardly home to do my laundry, so it was super convenient to do my wash at their house during down time. I usually had a laundry basket in the trunk of my car, and I brought my own detergent and fabric softener.


When I first started with the family I worked for I was soooooo nervous about eating their food, answering their phone, watching their movies (one of their kids napped for 3 hours a day). I think you and your nanny are in the getting to know what's what phase. I worked for this family for 3 years and by the time that I finished working for them (I was going back to college fulltime) we were at the point where I house sat for them when they went away, they gave me a gas card to use to fill my tank since I drove the kids around so much to activities, I would pick them up/drop them off at the airport etc. They came to my wedding when I got married. I still keep in contact with them (the oldest is now in college!). It was a great relationship all around.

SO, I, personally, would give her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe come home early one day when she doesn't expect you, or have a family member or friend stop by to drop something off if you are concerned about what's going on in your home when you aren't there. It is very hard to find people you trust to care for your kids, as a parent now I see that. I really loved the kids I had and I really loved working for them, and it sounds like your nanny likes you guys too.

I really appreciate your post, jfoofj, for an opinion from the other side. We are definitely still navigating a new relationship. We had our first nanny for 2 years, since DS was 4 weeks old She was my right hand and we were very comfortable with each other. She left after finishing school and we had another nanny for only 5 weeks, who we had to let go because of many messy issues in her personal life that bled over into her job very quickly, and caused us to be concerned about the kids being safe while she was here. She had wonderful references and was actually very good with the kids, so the emergence of these issues was a surprise. "Washing machine nanny" is new after letting "5 week nanny" go. I researched her like crazy, checked every reference and did a background check. Because of my immediately prior experience, I have an "oh no, not again" feeling in the pit of my stomach, but I'm trying hard not to overreact to something which may be a small thing when everything else seems so great.

I truly don't mind if she is doing her own laundry while here. Do I wish she had asked or even mentioned it? Yes. Am I crazy about the lie? No, but I can see a situation where a 23 yo might freak out a little at even a very low key criticism from a new boss, in a new job where I think she's pretty happy too. I now have to watch and consider if it was a moment of panic, or something that might be a pattern of dishonesty. Like another poster said, it makes me feel like I need to pay a little more attention rather than be so immediately comfortable. At the very least, this is a hiccup in the trust we are developing, but if it is an isolated situation, it is something I can overcome.

When you did your laundry at your employer's house, did you ask first, and if you just started doing it without asking, did you do it openly, or on the sly?

Jane

 

[hentob]

So, she, um, lied.

Rut roh

 

[sunnyday123]

Read your update; the thing that would bother me the most is that she is lying to you. That would make me assume she would lie about other things, and then you can't trust her.

 

[SaraJayne]

This is what I'm tending towards right now. I really am very low key and non-confrontational, and our house is very laid back. I'm hoping the "you know that I know that you did . . . ." dynamic is enough to set things straight.

Thanks to everyone who gave this issue some thought. (I'm still interested in more perspectives, though!)

Jane

IMO, you were confrontational when you approached her about the laundry.

Since she's at your house 40 hours a week, taking excellent care of your children (per your earlier posts), I'd let it go.

Someone else using your washer/dryer just isn't something to get worked up about.

 

[AlleyKat]

Read your update; the thing that would bother me the most is that she is lying to you. That would make me assume she would lie about other things, and then you can't trust her.

Ditto!

 

[jfoofj]

[/QUOTE] When you did your laundry at your employer's house, did you ask first, and if you just started doing it without asking, did you do it openly, or on the sly?

Jane[/QUOTE]



I don't remember ever having a specific conversation with them about it... it was a long time ago... I do recall that they had to go to Texas unexpectedly due to a death in the family pretty soon after I had started working for them, and they asked me to house sit because they had a dog... I was there for 4-5 nights and I'm sure I did laundry in that time frame. I did loads of the kids wash (they used Dreft for the kids) and I would just throw a load of my stuff in after. I actually ended up with a drawer at their house in one of the kids dressers because I was there so much it was convenient to have a change of clothes/sweatshirts/etc instead of having to cart it around in my car all the time. I also did occasionally spend the night there from time to time when the mom traveled and the dad had to be up and out of the house very early (especially when the kids were sick because he could sleep through anything and the mom worried he wouldn't hear the kids, they had a twin bed in the nursery that I slept on), so I had sweats/jammies there too.

 

[mster425]

I think the way you phrased it let her know that washing her clothes there wasn't ok, only yours- she probably thought you'd fire her if you knew she was washing her stuff.

I would be a little annoyed at someone using my stuff without asking but I would have said that- "Hey, I don't mind if you use my washer/dryer, but please ask first and don't use the bleach dispenser."


I would be vigilant but not freak out yet. She sounds like she cares a lot about your kids and her job.

 

[krcit]

I think the way you phrased it let her know that washing her clothes there wasn't ok, only yours- she probably thought you'd fire her if you knew she was washing her stuff.

I would be a little annoyed at someone using my stuff without asking but I would have said that- "Hey, I don't mind if you use my washer/dryer, but please ask first and don't use the bleach dispenser."


I would be vigilant but not freak out yet. She sounds like she cares a lot about your kids and her job.

I agree. I think she got scared.

 

[lovepurple]

My DD20 is a nanny. I think if this nanny is a young lady about the same age she probably just didn't think anything would be wrong with doing her laundry. When you called her out on it she fibbed. She didn't outright lie probably in her mind. She didn't say she didn't do any laundry. I think if you trust her with your son that is most important. The employer/employee relationship is much more personal than other types of jobs. I had a nanny when my kids were younger and I had to look over a few things too. I think it is a trade off. I hope things work out for you.

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

I am a nanny. I work 50 hours a week. I do my laundry at home, not at work. If my washer broke I might ask my boss if it would be OK for me to wash some things, but I certainly wouldn't bring my laundry to work if it wasn't absolutely necessary. I would NOT do it without permission, and it would NOT be a long term situation. Having said that, I have interviewed for positions where the employer specifically offered for me to do my laundry at work. It is up to you whether or not you are comfortable with it.

Do you have a written work agreement with her? That can go a long way in helping settle gray areas. I know there are several websites that have standard agreements that can be revised for your particular situation. I have a written agreement, and we revise it annually on my anniversary date.

I don't know if you have gotten to know her well enough to be able to speculate whether or not she will lie about things in the future. Tough call. Good luck!

 

[Liberty Belle]

This is what I'm tending towards right now. I really am very low key and non-confrontational, and our house is very laid back. I'm hoping the "you know that I know that you did . . . ." dynamic is enough to set things straight.

Thanks to everyone who gave this issue some thought. (I'm still interested in more perspectives, though!)

Jane

Honestly, I'd give it a while and then casually say, "Oh, if you ever need to do your laundry over here, I don't mind. Fridays are good days."

 

[handinpocket]

I would find someone else right now. If she would make up an elaborate lie about the laundry, what will she do if something happens to the kids?! If she was so "scared" you would fire her over the laundry that she had to lie.....what is going to happen if something big really happens, that involve your precious children. You'll never know the truth.

I could never, ever trust her. I would fire her and tell her exactly why I was doing it.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Read your update; the thing that would bother me the most is that she is lying to you. That would make me assume she would lie about other things, and then you can't trust her.

I agree. It was a pretty elaborate lie. On the spot, to your face. I couldn't trust her with a child of mine after that.

 

[AmberHeartsDisney]

she might if been scared and didnt want to be fired. not that i agree with "lying".

 

[Liberty Belle]

I've always felt like, if you know something to be true, don't set someone up to lie about it.

I don't condone lying, but I do understand how she could have felt panicked, scared, backed into a corner, etc. We've all made mistakes and I'm betting even most DISers have lied a time or two to save themselves from harm. I think she was probably afraid you were going to fire her, so she lied.

Just because we lie once or make a mistake doesn't mean it's going to happen often. If she's good in all other areas, I'd accept the lie for what it was and move on.

 

[janey99]

I agree. It was a pretty elaborate lie. On the spot, to your face. I couldn't trust her with a child of mine after that.

I agree, it is a fairly complex lie - she processed all the info and came up with it quickly. I'm struggling with that.

Jane

 

[chloelovesdisney]

She did some laundry, not a big deal in my eyes since you say she's taking such great care of your ds. Since it's bothering you so much it doesn't appear this will work out. The next sitter may not do laundry, but might also not take as good care of your ds so think it over carefully.

 

[handinpocket]

I agree, it is a fairly complex lie - she processed all the info and came up with it quickly. I'm struggling with that.

Jane

You also haven't really known her all that long. She seems to be really adept at lying....a huge character flaw imo.

 

[Hannathy]

I've always felt like, if you know something to be true, don't set someone up to lie about it.

I don't condone lying, but I do understand how she could have felt panicked, scared, backed into a corner, etc. We've all made mistakes and I'm betting even most DISers have lied a time or two to save themselves from harm. I think she was probably afraid you were going to fire her, so she lied.

Just because we lie once or make a mistake doesn't mean it's going to happen often. If she's good in all other areas, I'd accept the lie for what it was and move on.

I totally agree with this. but you evidently would rather find someone who won't touch your washer but is less ideal for your child so..... IMO you should fire her and make sure you tell her it is because of the washer not the wonderful way she takes care of your child! and go look for someone else. But again IMO don't hold your breathe for someone who will do all she does with your child-because they just aren't out there-but you seem to have different priorities than I would have in child care.