babysitter issue - wwyd? UPDATE in OP

[bgirldeb]

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UPDATE:

I mentioned it this morning in a casual way - "Oh, I see you did some laundry yesterday. I can tell by the smell that you used the bleach dispenser. FYI, I don't use that because it causes bleach spots to get on the next load you do after the bleach load. BTW - what got washed? I just did laundry Tuesday and I didn't think anything was dirty yet."

She told me a story about how DS was playing with a bunch of onesies that were in his bottom dresser drawer, and he had no diaper on, and he had a pee accident all over the onesies, so she had to wash them.

Thing is, I checked the drawer, and those onesies are still in the drawer in the same pile I put them in this weekend, fresh out of the winter clothes box, they haven't been moved and they definitely haven't been washed. I also checked my washing stuff, and about 1/3 a bottle of Clorox II is gone after I topped it up from my big BJs bottle Tuesday.

So, she, um, lied.

Now I'm really not sure what to do.

Jane

The lying part would make me uncomfortable. You gave her an opportunity to explain things. Does your DS seem like he likes her? It would be a shame to lose out on someone that has been working so well for your family.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I have a fulltime babysitter for DS who comes to my home for over 40 hours a week. Three days a week I'm in the house because I work from home, and 2 days a week she's there all day by herself because I go to the office.

She has been with us about 5 weeks and I'm thrilled with her - she does preschool activities with DS (he's 2.5), takes him to the park, the library, Gymboree, is working on potty training, really, everything you could hope for. She's totally self directed and has worked out a schedule for herself and DS and is totally running with it.

I came to the realization today that she is doing her laundry at my house on days that I'm not home. She uses a certain setting on the washer that I never do, and uses the bleach dispenser which leaves a really distinctive smell in the laundry room. She's not washing anything of ours, because I just did laundry yesterday, and the three items of clothing that are dirty since yesterday are still in the hampers.

For some reason, I'm struggling with how to bring this up with her - I don't necessarily have a problem with her doing her personal wash here, but I do wish she had asked (I think it's kind of presumptuous to just do it, especially when I'm not here), and I don't want her to be doing anyone else's clothes here (she has a boyfriend and I think she still lives at home).

Any thoughts?

Thanks,

Jane

**********************************************************
UPDATE:

I mentioned it this morning in a casual way - "Oh, I see you did some laundry yesterday. I can tell by the smell that you used the bleach dispenser. FYI, I don't use that because it causes bleach spots to get on the next load you do after the bleach load. BTW - what got washed? I just did laundry Tuesday and I didn't think anything was dirty yet."

She told me a story about how DS was playing with a bunch of onesies that were in his bottom dresser drawer, and he had no diaper on, and he had a pee accident all over the onesies, so she had to wash them.

Thing is, I checked the drawer, and those onesies are still in the drawer in the same pile I put them in this weekend, fresh out of the winter clothes box, they haven't been moved and they definitely haven't been washed. I also checked my washing stuff, and about 1/3 a bottle of Clorox II is gone after I topped it up from my big BJs bottle Tuesday.

So, she, um, lied.

Now I'm really not sure what to do.

Jane

If she's a great care giver to your kids and you don't really mind if she does laundry, I don't think you should have asked her what got washed. She probably panicked and lied. I think you should have stopped with " FYI, I don't use that because it causes bleach spots to get on the next load you do after the bleach load." And then maybe said, "I don't mind if you bring some laundry over once a week."

 

[NikkiLovesWDW!]

I started reading this thread yesterday but now that you've posted an update, I''m ready to respond!

I don't have children so I can't speak from the "It's so hard to find good childcare" standpoint, but I have been working with children since I was in high school, from babysitter to camp counselor and now teacher.

That said, I think it's completely wrong that she used your washing machine without permission AND the fact that she lied about what she washed is very concerning to me. I would NEVER, EVER touch something in someone's house unless I was specifically told I could. I find that so disrespectful.

I'm actually very surprised at the amount of people who are saying it's no big deal, let it go.

 

[kwelch10377]

If she's a great care giver to your kids and you don't really mind if she does laundry, I don't think you should have asked her what got washed. She probably panicked and lied. I think you should have stopped with " FYI, I don't use that because it causes bleach spots to get on the next load you do after the bleach load." And then maybe said, "I don't mind if you bring some laundry over once a week."

I agree...

While she should not have lied, I think she panicked with the way you addressed it. If you knew she was doing her laundry you should have just said, I don't mind you doing your laundry here, and whatever else you need to say.

 

[tlbwriter]

I know some people are saying "it's just laundry," but it's NOT just laundry. It's the fact that she did something behind your back, when she could have easily asked permission, and then lied about it after you asked in a (to me) very non-confrontational, non-threatening way. It's not the laundry, it's the sneaking around and lying that would bother me. And I'd probably have a hard time trusting her after that, because I'd wonder what else she'd lie about, and what else she'd feel entitled to do behind my back.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I was hoping that a 'nice conversation' would help alleviate any unnecessary tension....

But, now, I am really on the fence...

You need to trust the persons that you have come into your home.

I DO totally get the 'good childcare is hard to find'.... I would have given my eye-teeth to find somebody that I was so happy with when DS was little.

So, I don't know if 'one more chance' (with a "LOVE you...." followed by a come to Jesus talk, is the way to go? Or back to square one.

These things are tough!!!!

 

[Katy Belle]

Ugh. I'm sorry that this is happening, but perhaps its better to learn about this now.

I do feel you kind of backed her into a wall, saying "what got washed, I was done with laundry." rather than, "I see that you did some of your own laundry."
So, yes, she did lie, but she was put on the spot a little. I'm not excusing her at all though.

I guess now I would say, "Listen, I know you didn't wash onesies. I'm assuming you were washing your own laundry, which I'm fine with. But I want you t ask me first, not just assume its ok."

Not sure if I would say anything about telling lies or not... but perhaps.

Good luck!

 

[EveDallas]

I agree...

While she should not have lied, I think she panicked with the way you addressed it. If you knew she was doing her laundry you should have just said, I don't mind you doing your laundry here, and whatever else you need to say.

I agree with this. You didn't need to ask what got washed - you knew it was her stuff. She probably likes her job, didn't want to lose it over washing some clothes, and lied about it. Not right, but understandable. You need to decide if this is really an issue worth losing her over.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Have you mentioned how old she is????

Maybe it really shouldn't matter, but I am thinking a younger girl could easily have panicked and fibbed.... Not an excuse.... But just a perspective on how to view the situation.

Somebody a bit older, telling a calculated bold-faced lie....
Definitely a cause for concern.

 

[SC Minnie]

After the update, I would let it go for now but keep my eyes open for anything else that is 'amiss'. She now knows that YOU know she was doing laundry and notices the little things. She was probably doing her BF's laundry and knew you wouldn't approve (not that it excuses her lying to you).

 

[Dee77]

I agree that you had something to be concerned with, I don't care how good of a nanny she is, she was sneaking behind your back. As others have said, who knows what else she has taken the liberty of using, in your house.

What concerns me is the fact that she lied about it. Is this the first week that you noticed the settings changed on the washer?

 

[*BTMRR*]

Yes good childcare providers are extremely hard to find.
I don't think people who use things in my house without permission and then lie about it to my face qualify as "good childcare providers" even though they may appear to be good with the kids.

What a shame.

 

[janey99]

I know some people are saying "it's just laundry," but it's NOT just laundry. It's the fact that she did something behind your back, when she could have easily asked permission, and then lied about it after you asked in a (to me) very non-confrontational, non-threatening way. It's not the laundry, it's the sneaking around and lying that would bother me. And I'd probably have a hard time trusting her after that, because I'd wonder what else she'd lie about, and what else she'd feel entitled to do behind my back.

Yes, of course, this is where my mind is wandering this morning.

Jane

 

[NikkiLovesWDW!]

I agree with this. You didn't need to ask what got washed - you knew it was her stuff. She probably likes her job, didn't want to lose it over washing some clothes, and lied about it. Not right, but understandable. You need to decide if this is really an issue worth losing her over.

See that's just it...if she thought it was wrong, she shouldn't have done it! If she didn't think it was wrong, she wouldn't have lied.

 

[jfoofj]

Hi there~ Former nanny here....

I was also a "live out" nanny who would go to the family's house each day. I was there 40+ hours a week, depending on if the mom was traveling or not. That intial "getting used to each other" period can be tricky. I'm leaning towards it being a situation where she was embarassed and lied to cover up using the washer and dryer for her own stuff. I used to do my laundry at the family's house too. I was 20 when I started with them, and while I still lived at home, my mom and stepdad didn't do my laundry, I was expected to do my own and they got mad when I left stuff in the washer or dryer. Being at work so much, and having the active social life that a lot of young people have, I was hardly home to do my laundry, so it was super convenient to do my wash at their house during down time. I usually had a laundry basket in the trunk of my car, and I brought my own detergent and fabric softener.


When I first started with the family I worked for I was soooooo nervous about eating their food, answering their phone, watching their movies (one of their kids napped for 3 hours a day). I think you and your nanny are in the getting to know what's what phase. I worked for this family for 3 years and by the time that I finished working for them (I was going back to college fulltime) we were at the point where I house sat for them when they went away, they gave me a gas card to use to fill my tank since I drove the kids around so much to activities, I would pick them up/drop them off at the airport etc. They came to my wedding when I got married. I still keep in contact with them (the oldest is now in college!). It was a great relationship all around.

SO, I, personally, would give her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe come home early one day when she doesn't expect you, or have a family member or friend stop by to drop something off if you are concerned about what's going on in your home when you aren't there. It is very hard to find people you trust to care for your kids, as a parent now I see that. I really loved the kids I had and I really loved working for them, and it sounds like your nanny likes you guys too.

 

[janey99]

After the update, I would let it go for now but keep my eyes open for anything else that is 'amiss'. She now knows that YOU know she was doing laundry and notices the little things. She was probably doing her BF's laundry and knew you wouldn't approve (not that it excuses her lying to you).

This is what I'm tending towards right now. I really am very low key and non-confrontational, and our house is very laid back. I'm hoping the "you know that I know that you did . . . ." dynamic is enough to set things straight.

Thanks to everyone who gave this issue some thought. (I'm still interested in more perspectives, though!)

Jane

 

[PrincessTiffany]

Really? This bothered you? She is an excellent care provider for your children and you are concerned she did some laundry. It wouldn't have bothered me at all.

As for the "lying," she probably felt like you were angry for her doing her laundry, which you were.

Seriously, if she is taking good care of your child, I would let this go.

 

[sparklynails23]

**********************************************************
UPDATE:

I mentioned it this morning in a casual way - "Oh, I see you did some laundry yesterday. I can tell by the smell that you used the bleach dispenser. FYI, I don't use that because it causes bleach spots to get on the next load you do after the bleach load. BTW - what got washed? I just did laundry Tuesday and I didn't think anything was dirty yet."

She told me a story about how DS was playing with a bunch of onesies that were in his bottom dresser drawer, and he had no diaper on, and he had a pee accident all over the onesies, so she had to wash them.

Thing is, I checked the drawer, and those onesies are still in the drawer in the same pile I put them in this weekend, fresh out of the winter clothes box, they haven't been moved and they definitely haven't been washed. I also checked my washing stuff, and about 1/3 a bottle of Clorox II is gone after I topped it up from my big BJs bottle Tuesday.

So, she, um, lied.

Now I'm really not sure what to do.

Jane

I'm telling you, she's going to be a problem. Did she have references? Did you do a criminal background check? Maybe the person who mentioned the boyfriend was right.

 

[bettymae1121]

Ugh! What a tough spot to be in.

I'd say if you are otherwise totally happy with her, let this go...but keep a close eye on things and see if anything else odd happens. Don't breath down her neck or anything, just pay a bit more attention to whats going on. If anything else happens that you don't like, then you can start looking for a new sitter if that's what you want to do.

 

[kwelch10377]

See that's just it...if she thought it was wrong, she shouldn't have done it! If she didn't think it was wrong, she wouldn't have lied.

She may not have thought it was wrong when she did it, but when the OP addressed it by being specific in thinking it was her household laundry the babysitter was doing she may have realized that the OP would be mad that she was doing hers.

I think the OP made the situation worse on how to handle it by not just coming out and saying that she knew she was doing her laundry there. Now if the OP addressed it with saying that she knew it was hers and the babysitter denied it then I would have a problem.