Baby shower..before or after?

[tigercat]

My dd was invited to another baby shower for her sil. She is due the end of May and the shower is in 2 weeks. We do not believe (or will go to) any baby shower that is before the baby is born. We have had many experiences where something has happened when the baby was born and the parents had to look at all the shower gifts. My friends don't even invite me to the showers if they are before but know that I will buy a nice present for the baby once it is here. I also think it is better because you know what and who you are buying for. Even with ultra sounds they can be wrong. My dd has told everyone that when she gets pregnant not to have a shower before hand. My sil's dd had a shower before hand and she did not go. She had told them she wouldn't go if they had one before and that her dd didn't want one before but they went ahead anyway. Her dd didn't want to cause a fuss but didn't like it. Babies don't need much for the first little while anyways. What do you think?
tigercat

 

[Breezy_Carol]

Every shower that I have been to was before the baby was born (except adoption.) Fortunately I was never in the situation where the baby didn't make it. My showers were while I was pregnant. I think that is the norm but to each their own.

 

[preshi]

IMHO babies need quite a bit of stuff right at first and it's nice not to have to worry about it, I am also due at the end of May and you should see the list I have (won't be having a shower this time). On the other hand I really like the idea of having one afterwards, how long do you wait for such a thing? I don't think I'd have the energy to go to one shortly after the baby was born.

 

[TigrLvsPooh]

Every baby shower I've ever been to was before the birth. Usually during the 7th or 8th month of pregnancy. Personally, I wouldn't want anyone giving me a shower after the birth, too much pressure to look nice and be awake. ha ha

I used all my shower gifts right away when my kids were born. I think it's the prime time for needing all the gadgets.

 

[geffric]

I am of the after babay is born school of thought. That's when I had mine..then everyone knew to buy boys things and what size the babay is.. I had a friend that had gotten all these really cute newborn things, washed them and out them away. her baby was to big to wear any of them and she couldn't return them because she had washed them

 

[cinmell]

Every shower I have been to was before the baby was born.

 

[Serena]

Before hand. I've never heard of it afterwards.

 

[NHAnn]

I've always understood the purpose of a shower was to be prepared for the arrival of the little one....I've never been to one that was after the birth......
well, except that when my DD was born almost 4 weeks early I was arriving home from the hospital on the day my co-workers had planned my surprise at-work shower, so they had it without me and one close friend from work delivered all the stuff to me at home a couple of weeks later . I know I wouldn't have felt like a gathering of lots of people and opening presents in the first couple of months, but that's just me.

I agree babies don't "need" a lot at first as far as material things, but I know lots of new moms who rely on showers for some of the neccessities....people chipping in for big-ticket items like a car seat or stroller, for example. Another really neat idea was something done for a friend of mine when she was expecting her third child. A bunch of neighbors/girlfriendsgot together and we each brought a meal for her freezer or non-perishable fixings. (Box of pasta and jarred sauce w/frozen garlic bread; frozen tray of lasagna; frozen casserole; etc). MUCH appreciated by her and her family those first few weeks with the newborn

I can understand your feelings, considering your experiences, but as I said, I've never been to a shower after the birth. Most have been while the mom was in her last trimester. I have had a couple of cases where the baby has had some health problems after birth or the mom a difficult pregnancy, but fortunately none have lost their child.

You asked what people think....I guess I think if someone's gracious enough to host something for me or a member of my family, I'd be happy to attend....but "to each their own" as BreezyCarol said!

 

[tigercat]

Actually babies really don't need a lot. It is nice to have a lot of things but they don't need a lot. If someone was going to be giving something big (like a crib, car seat ect.) we tell the mother what we are going to be getting. If a car seat the person usually gets the one the mum wanted and it is delivered to the hospital. I guess we never have a problem with it and it has always worked out. We have had a couple of babies die shortly after birth and it really wakes you up as to what can happen. We stopped having showers before hand a long time ago. It is also really nice to buy something for the baby that is there whether a boy or girl and whether one who is tiny or large. There is nothing worse than having a baby shower and coming home without a baby after.
tigercat

 

[aprilgail2]

Always before.....that was one of the highlights of my pregnancy...being pregnant, surrounded by all my friends and all cute gifts for my baby! I couldn't imagine having it after the baby was born, I was much to busy then with the baby to enjoy a shower!

 

[tiggersmom2]

All showers I went to or had was before the baby was born.

 

[luv2nascar]

I guess bottom line you aren't giving someone a shower
you were invited to one go and be happy
plenty of things you can buy for either sex baby
and trust me plenty of things they really need
diapers and wipes will never go to waste
if the family or friends decide on the shower before go and enjoy this

 

[Megan's Mom]

I had a small shower given by close friends before but the church I attend always has the showers after the baby is born. They wait about 4 to 6 weeks depending on time of year and how the mother is feeling. They really work out well. my hostest gift was my large stroller. I don't remember who gave me the car seat but we had one before we went to the hospital. I know when I first heard of having them after it seemed strange but now it doesn't. I guess it is personal preference.

 

[tigercat]

NHAnn I guess it is hard for us but everyone in the family has always made it know that they really don't want a shower before hand. As a good friend is it not gracious to take the new mothers wishes in the event? I think with my sil and her dd they made it well know before hand and said that they would not attend one before hand. My dd knows that there is no way I could attend a shower before hand. She would not expect me too and she really doesn't want one before hand. Another question then, if the mother asked that if anyone was thinking of giving a shower would they give it after, that she really doesn't like a shower beforehand would you then go against her wishes and give her a shower beforehand?
tigercat

 

[PamOKW]

I've always had the showers before but you raise an excellent point about the risk and the heartache that can ensue if something were to happen to the baby. If a mother-to-be expresses a wish not to have a shower, her wishes should be followed. End of story. I also discovered that some observant Jewish people will not allow anything for the baby into the home before the child is born and, therefore, would frown on a shower as well. (Discovered this with a male co-worker when they were going to give him & his wife a shower.) The reason for it is the same given by the OP --- heartache of the gifts for a baby that doesn't come home.

 

[HappyMommy2]

I don't think there's any real right or wrong on this issue; it seems to me that the choice should be made by the hostesses in conjunction with the mom. If the mom would really prefer to postpone the shower till after the baby is safely home for a while, she would likely make that preference known and gracious hostesses will comply (How odd that your sil's DD's friends gave her a pre-birth shower against her wishes! I'm sure that is very unusual). I think if you receive an invitation to a shower to be held prior to the birth, and you know the mom will be attending, you can safely assume that the mom is willing to take the risk of having a roomful of baby gifts to deal with in the event of something tragic happening to the baby. I think most moms-to-be are aware, at least to some degree, of the possibility of things going wrong.

A friend of mine lost a baby four weeks before her due date. She had already had 2 big showers and had the nursery all ready. Afterward, she told me that she was glad the baby's life had been celebrated during those joyful baby showers, and that she felt that if she hadn't prepared everything for her son's arrival it would have been as though he had never existed. This is a very personal matter and I'm sure everyone reacts differently in times of tragedy but I felt her thoughts might be relevant here.

In light of your family's experiences I can see why you don't feel comfortable with pre-birth showers, and as long as you (or your other family members) are gracious and polite you should be able to easily excuse yourself from such showers and, as you say, send a nice gift after the baby arrives.

 

[helenabear]

All the ones I have been to have been beforehand... however I do know some who will not have them nor have anything for the baby at all in the house prior for the very reason you said. Both ways make sense to me and whatever the parent(s) want(s), I am cool with

 

[jwsqrdplus2]

I've been to/hosted both types. Most of the before ones take place in the last month to 6 weeks. The afters usually take place around 4 weeks after birth. I think it is up to the mom. One of the after showers we did because the mom was totally paranoid about anything jinxing her baby. They had NOTHING the day the baby was born. Dad ran to the store before mom and baby were discharged from the hospital to pick up a bassinet and a "few" supplies for baby.

Either one is fine. The before ones can be really fun. For both of mine (different cities, different friends), the host decided to do the "guess how big around she is" game. Fortunately I was almost the same (1 1/2 inches difference) for both!! LOL

 

[Tuffcookie]

Always before until this last week-end. The original baby shower for my cousin was scheduled in January. However, just 2 days before the shower, you guessed it, she went into labor and had the baby! So, yesterday I went to her baby shower and how sweet to have the guest of honor, herself, there!

TC

 

[luvmarypoppins]

I have been on both sides of the fence. My sis and I went to a shower before and the couple lost the baby. It was so sad. Then as a first time mom, I was really happy to have all the things we needed before time as we really couldnt afford to get all the things ourselves. My mom and sis gave me a shower, I had a shower at work, bless those sweet nuns I worked with, and then one of my little sunday school kids moms gave me a shower. Our baby wanted for nothing. By the time #3 came we had moved and little ds was only 3 days old when my sister died. A girl from church wanted to have a shower for me., I told her thanks but I really didnt need anything except bibs and socks. Well she wouldnt take no for an answer. So i graciously said yes, even though my heart was not in it. This was about a month after ds was born and my sis died. So its really up to the hostesss and the shower mom I guess.