Baby Rules

[Philagoofy]

A relative's son moved across the country, 3,000 miles away. He married and wife's parents live nearby. Several years later, after taking fertility drugs and going through a difficult pregnancy, 2 healthy babies are born. The son's parents are elated, first and probably only grandchildren they'll ever have.

Grandma flies out to visit earlier this year, then grandpa a few months later, than grandma again about a month ago to babysit while daughter-in-law goes to a wedding. While grandpa was there, he was told he was doing things wrong. On the evening before Grandma was to come home, her son told her all of the things she did wrong, such as holding the babies early in the morning when she heard them crying while the parents wanted them to "self sleep", wearing bangle bracelets & a few other things. Son explained how much his wife went through to have the babies. Apparently, grandma & grandpa (who already raised 2 children) weren't told all of the do's & don't's beforehand.

Grandma was very hurt & crying the next morning before leaving to come back home. Daughter-in-law calls a few days later to apologize - she wants to be a perfect mom & wants to do everything a certain way.

Son & daughter-in-law told his parents they would not stay at their house because there are too many things to break (bric-a-brak, antiques).

I feel they have a right to raise their children as they want and should expect others to respect their wishes. On the other hand, the grandparents won't be seeing their grandchildren all that often, so either they should be given all of the rules beforehand or been cut a little slack. I don't understand the point of telling the grandma on the eve of her departure about all the things she did wrong.

 

[Stella3]

First time parents get a little "crazy" with the first baby - I know. I think Grandma should accept the DIL's apology and both parties forget about the whole thing.

Maybe, on the next visit, Grandma can ask for the "rules" at the beginning of the stay.

 

[beckmrk04]

First time parents get a little "crazy" with the first baby - I know. I think Grandma should accept the DIL's apology and both parties forget about the whole thing.

Maybe, on the next visit, Grandma can ask for the "rules" at the beginning of the stay.

I agree.

It's hard when you're a new parent, and especially in this age of over-informed-ness (yeah, I made that word up, what of it? )

Sometimes you're just so sure that everything is going to ruin your kid(s)- the one you have hoped and prayed for, and went through so much to deliver to this world. So, I get it when new parents are a bit overzealous with the rules (I still can be...).

ETA- those parents, like many others, will eventually get sick of being so anal-retentive and relax. A lot. I know I did!!

 

[DevilDuckie]

I suspect that there is a rather different interpretation of this story from the mother of the babies. The fact that Grandma was told the night before she left suggests to me that it was a building frustration and that she had possibly missed or ignored comments or requests leading up to that point.


If the mother has apologized for any hurt feelings and miscommunications the grandmother needs to let it go. She has a right to make the rules regarding her children and the amount of time her MIL does or does not spend with them does not negate that. I would guess that she will be much more clear with her in laws in the future to avoid any more issues.

 

[Cool-Beans]

If someone is good enough to TRAVEL to babysit for you, there should be no criticism unless they're putting too much alcohol in the bottle.

Seriously.

I know new parents worry about their babies, but if they're all THAT worried, they should stay home and do it themselves.

I make one promise when I sit: I'll do everything in my power to ensure that you get her back alive. That's it. If I want to give them cookies, I do. If they want to go to Chuck E. Cheese or McDonalds or the zoo, they're going. And if they cry, I'm picking them up. And I'm constantly asked to sit. All the time. Today, in fact. I called the mom and left her a message saying that I'd taken her 20 month old to the bar and while I thought we'd just have a shot and a beer, she'd found the stripper pole and wanted to put on a show, so I didn't know if we'd be back in time. I swear to God that's the message I left. And just a couple weeks ago, she named me as the person to get the baby if they die.

I think those parents were very wrong and kind of mean. But if there was an apology involved, I'd let it go.

 

[HelenePA]

When someone babysits for me I have TWO rules

1. Don't kill them.
2. Try not to let them kill you.

 

[staley7580]

When someone babysits for me I have TWO rules

1. Don't kill them.
2. Try not to let them kill you.

ME TOO!!!

 

[HelenePA]

Okay I gotta ask... what is wrong with wearing bangle bracelets?!? who was wearing them the kids or grandma? Okay I could see why they would be upset with grandPA wearing them but other than that I dont get it??

 

[daisy2]

My ex-sister-in-law was the same way with her first son. They were staying at my parents house right after the baby was born due it being very hot outside and they had no airconditioning. One morning my dad was up and so was I and the baby woke up so my dad went in and got him because neither parent was moving to take him. So my dad made him a bottle changed him fed him and put him back to bed. My ex-sister complained to my friend that she didn't like The baby getting into the habit of getting up that early in the morning for a feeding mind you he was only a week old. I was so upset and I let her have it. I told her as long as the baby is here at my parents house and he is crying he will be fed, changed or just held. She was worried about him getting fed to much and he would get fat...YIKES!!!!! I told her he needs the food. After that she never questioned any of us taking care of him. He is now 17 years old and going into the navy. Sorry it's so long.

 

[golfgal]

Well, I think that those parents should start saving for therapy for the kids now, it's going to be expensive.


Kids are smart. They learn very quickly that there are different rules at different places. Part of the fun with grandparents is that they don't have to follow the rules. Kids can just have fun and any parent taking that away from their kids is really doing the kids a disservice. Now, if they were putting your child in harms way, that is a different story.

The REALLY funny things about trying to raise your children a 'certain way' is that the kids didn't read the book you did, they don't always cooperate.

I have never once set 'rules' for grandparents. They have a lot more experience with kids then I do having lived through it all. If the wife loves her husband enough to marry him then grandma and grandpa must have done something right in raising him.

 

[shortbun]

When I hear about parents like this, I just shake my head. to not be able to let go of a few rules when precious grandparents are willing to fly in to care for their grandchildren...dumb. To chastise them, who have raised children, for all the little things...really immature. "Mom, my wife went through so much to have these babies and we want them to sleep in the morning so don't love them so much that you touch them and above all, don't wear your jewlery when you do it." OMG, what petty ungrateful people they are. Being a perfect parent includes allowing your children's grandparents to love them and spend time with them, bending the rules a little. Also, perfect parenting requires enormous amounts of flexibility. They are people, children, not pets. Then, they're not staying with his parents when they travel because there are too many breakables in their home? How about asking them to put things up high? (Of course, grandma might respond like my sister did and tell the parents to control the children but I doubt it.) Anyway, these grandparents are in for years of heartbreak because their stupid, spoiled son is an idiot. The only rules I set for DS's grandparents was 'no racist slurs.' Seriously, lol!

 

[In a hurry]

When someone babysits for me I have TWO rules

1. Don't kill them.
2. Try not to let them kill you.

I'm with you there.

If someone is good enough to TRAVEL to babysit for you, there should be no criticism unless they're putting too much alcohol in the bottle.

I agree with coolbeans, too.

Those children should be ashamed of themselves. Having people who love and adore my children as much as I do is such a blessing. I wasn't raised exactly how we are raising our kids. We seem to have turned out ok.

 

[PatsGirl]

Coolbeans: Gotta say, I love your philosophy I'm guessing that you would be in the running (with myself) as one of the most underprotective parents of the week? A joke amongst my friends and I. Do you also hear "well, all our kids lived through years with Brenda, I guess the grandchildren will be okay in the end too"? LOL

New parents repeat: There will be NO hovering, there will be NO hovering, there will be NO hovering....

 

[Todd&Copper]

If this is bothering "grandma" so much, even after the apology, maybe she should try to remember her experience as a first time mother and cut the new parents some slack. I have yet to encounter a first time mother who does not have very strong opinions on what is right and wrong regarding thei little sweetpea. But she should also politely ask for the rules and still plan to visit her grandchild. Also, I can see why the parents wouldn't want to incoveneince grandma and grandpa by making them baby-proof their home and would therefore decline to visit their home unitl baby is older. Just seems to me that the grandparents kind of need to take a chill pill and not overreact just as much as the new parents.

 

[Nancyg56]

New parents
I hope that the Grandparents let this roll off, hopefully it will change. The poor kid pay if it does not.

I like the babysitting rules of a previous poster , my DH nephew has so many for his son I refused to watch him. I figure if the kid is alive when I return him I have done my job, if I am alive it is a bonus

 

[NMAmy]

Oh, this makes me crazy. My mom came to stay when dd was about a week old. She offered to watch the baby while my ex and I went to a movie and I was out of that house like a shot. Someone asked how I could just leave my newborn and I reminded them that my mother had a much better track record than I did having raised 3 kids to adulthood. Now my older sister left my mom a list when my nephew stayed with Mom the first time telling her when to do everything including the baby's laundry! Mom threw the list away after Sis left the house.

I'm of the opinion that grandparents should be allowed to just spoil the grandkids. It's a special relationship that should really be encouraged and as long as it's not a dangerous situation, grandparents should be allowed to babysit as they'd like--especially when they're helping you out. YMMV.

When my great nieces and great nephew come to visit, I have two rules. Don't hurt each other or be rude and don't break stuff on purpose. (Accidental breakages are okay.) Aside from that, I will finger paint, play with play doh, make cookies, take them fun places, and let them have sugary treats whenever we feel like it. My niece is fine with it because I used to do the same with her and we used to have the best time when she would visit Auntie Amy--even though the normal rules were relaxed.

Those new parents need to lighten up. At some point, they're really going to NEED to have Grandma babysit and she may decline.

 

[Mahnahmahnah]

I totally understand the parents being so anal - I'm there myself. Sorry all you "old hat" parents but it it soooo hard being a new parent!

All new parents are BOMBARDED with information. We get Parents, Baby Talk, Parenting, etc. magazines. We get books "What to expect....", etc. We have a wide range of internet sites, tv shows, etc.

Then comes Grandma who contradicts everything all these media outlets tell you. She even contradicts the pediatrician!

Example:
- you can give the baby a pacifier dipped in honey
-And it's OK to give baby cereal in the bottle
Well my pedia debunked these for me, and so did every book.

Her answer to this? "All my kids should be DEAD then!!!"

I understand where she is coming from and she is only trying to help, but when I present her with the new information they have learned now, she still insists she is right

 

[beckmrk04]

I totally understand the parents being so anal - I'm there myself. Sorry all you "old hat" parents but it it soooo hard being a new parent!

All new parents are BOMBARDED with information. We get Parents, Baby Talk, Parenting, etc. magazines. We get books "What to expect....", etc. We have a wide range of internet sites, tv shows, etc.

Then comes Grandma who contradicts everything all these media outlets tell you. She even contradicts the pediatrician!

Example:
- you can give the baby a pacifier dipped in honey
-And it's OK to give baby cereal in the bottle
Well my pedia debunked these for me, and so did every book.

Her answer to this? "All my kids should be DEAD then!!!"

I understand where she is coming from and she is only trying to help, but when I present her with the new information they have learned now, she still insists she is right

EXACTLY.

I think too, that sometimes (at least in my case, and I know in many others) when you don't follow your mom/MIL/Grandma's advice, they see it as a personal assault on what MUST HAVE BEEN their faulty parenting (because you aren't doing what they did even though "you turned out just fine"), when really, a lot of times, I'm just following what the doc said, or what I have read, or just what I want to do.

And seriously, no- most of this stuff won't kill the babies. But honestly, as the kids get older, I'm sure the parents will relax and realize that people raise kids all the time, all over the world, and somehow, someway, the kids survive. Even without perfect parents. It will be ok.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

First time parents get a little "crazy" with the first baby - I know. I think Grandma should accept the DIL's apology and both parties forget about the whole thing.

Maybe, on the next visit, Grandma can ask for the "rules" at the beginning of the stay.

Great advice. I understand both sides of the coin but when you are a new parent it seems like people think you are an idiot and mean just because you want things done your way. Not that I would ever ever insist on things being done MY way....

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Oh, this makes me crazy. My mom came to stay when dd was about a week old. She offered to watch the baby while my ex and I went to a movie and I was out of that house like a shot. Someone asked how I could just leave my newborn and I reminded them that my mother had a much better track record than I did having raised 3 kids to adulthood. Now my older sister left my mom a list when my nephew stayed with Mom the first time telling her when to do everything including the baby's laundry! Mom threw the list away after Sis left the house.
I'm of the opinion that grandparents should be allowed to just spoil the grandkids. It's a special relationship that should really be encouraged and as long as it's not a dangerous situation, grandparents should be allowed to babysit as they'd like--especially when they're helping you out. YMMV.

When my great nieces and great nephew come to visit, I have two rules. Don't hurt each other or be rude and don't break stuff on purpose. (Accidental breakages are okay.) Aside from that, I will finger paint, play with play doh, make cookies, take them fun places, and let them have sugary treats whenever we feel like it. My niece is fine with it because I used to do the same with her and we used to have the best time when she would visit Auntie Amy--even though the normal rules were relaxed.

Those new parents need to lighten up. At some point, they're really going to NEED to have Grandma babysit and she may decline.

Not flaming but I would be very mad at my Mom if she did that. Whether she raised 10 kids or not I would want her to follow things the way I wanted it done since this is my child.