Baby Rules

[NMAmy]

EXACTLY.

I think too, that sometimes (at least in my case, and I know in many others) when you don't follow your mom/MIL/Grandma's advice, they see it as a personal assault on what MUST HAVE BEEN their faulty parenting (because you aren't doing what they did even though "you turned out just fine"), when really, a lot of times, I'm just following what the doc said, or what I have read, or just what I want to do.

I think that parents who have been parenting for a long time have seen so many of the baby "rules" change along the way, that they just kind of go with what worked for them. You know--babies MUST sleep on their stomach so they don't choke if they spit up. No, babies MUST sleep on their backs so they don't die of SIDS. It's good to introduce solid foods early so your baby will sleep through the night--no, no, food allergies develop if foods are given too early. Bottle feeding is best--no, breast feeding is best.

When you've seen the scientists contradict themselves repeatedly over the years, you kind of begin to take all those absolute rules that are announced with a grain of salt, KWIM? I don't necessarily think that they believe their parenting was faulty--I mean, they were doing just what you're doing and going by what the experts told them they had to do for a happy, healthy baby.

And when your babies are parents themselves, you'll have lots of things that you thought were the perfect way to raise a child listed as absolutely wrong.

 

[NMAmy]

Not flaming but I would be very mad at my Mom if she did that. Whether she raised 10 kids or not I would want her to follow things the way I wanted it done since this is my child.

Seriously? You think after raising three kids of her own my mom couldn't figure out when to throw a load of laundry into the washer? The list was set up along the lines of this:

8:00 Baby wakes up
8:05 Change diaper (Wow--never would have figured out that one.)
8:10 Prepare bottle (with precise instructions listed for bottle preparation.)
8:15 Feed baby
8:30-Put baby in the swing and put a load of baby's clothes in the washer

On and on for an entire day.

My sister laughs about it now. When my niece was born, she'd drop both kids at Mom's house and run out the door. No list necessary, she was just happy to get the heck out.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I think that parents who have been parenting for a long time have seen so many of the baby "rules" change along the way, that they just kind of go with what worked for them. You know--babies MUST sleep on their stomach so they don't choke if they spit up. No, babies MUST sleep on their backs so they don't die of SIDS. It's good to introduce solid foods early so your baby will sleep through the night--no, no, food allergies develop if foods are given too early. Bottle feeding is best--no, breast feeding is best.

When you've seen the scientists contradict themselves repeatedly over the years, you kind of begin to take all those absolute rules that are announced with a grain of salt, KWIM? I don't necessarily think that they believe their parenting was faulty--I mean, they were doing just what you're doing and going by what the experts told them they had to do for a happy, healthy baby.

And when your babies are parents themselves, you'll have lots of things that you thought were the perfect way to raise a child listed as absolutely wrong.

This is so true.

 

[lillygator]

oh goodness, with my first baby, I was a nut. I didn't want anyone holding her in the hospital aside from DH and I....and lots of other crazy things. I loosened up witht he second!

Grandma needs to accept the apology and move on.

 

[mickeyboat]

I think the amount of discretion you give grandparents needs to be limited in certain situations. For example - my FIL spoils my kids to death. When they are at his house they eat whatever they want, do whatever they want and leave a mess wherever they want. I don't have a problem with that if they are only there on occasion.

But FIL is going to start watching the kids after school in August. He has to have some rules or it will drive him insane. He can't feed them junk every day. Once he becomes part raising the kids, and a part of their daily lives, he needs to abide by our rules. It has taken a long time for him to understand that, but he does a lot better now than when the kids were little.

I was a freaked out first time parent, too, but learned to relax when Hannah was 4 months old and I found out I was 7 weeks pregnant.

Denae

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Seriously? You think after raising three kids of her own my mom couldn't figure out when to throw a load of laundry into the washer? The list was set up along the lines of this:

8:00 Baby wakes up
8:05 Change diaper (Wow--never would have figured out that one.)
8:10 Prepare bottle (with precise instructions listed for bottle preparation.)
8:15 Feed baby
8:30-Put baby in the swing and put a load of baby's clothes in the washer

On and on for an entire day.

My sister laughs about it now. When my niece was born, she'd drop both kids at Mom's house and run out the door. No list necessary, she was just happy to get the heck out.

Okay- well since you now put the list up I could see how it is a bit (okay a lot) ridiculous. I am not a schedule person so even I couldn't adhere to that. I thought it was more along the lines of "don't give him this or that etc." I too would have laughed at a list like that. My rules are now- give them what they want except what they are allergic to and they can stay up until whenever. Of course we rarely go out but I have layed off considerably compared to the first year.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I think the amount of discretion you give grandparents needs to be limited in certain situations. For example - my FIL spoils my kids to death. When they are at his house they eat whatever they want, do whatever they want and leave a mess wherever they want. I don't have a problem with that if they are only there on occasion.

But FIL is going to start watching the kids after school in August. He has to have some rules or it will drive him insane. He can't feed them junk every day. Once he becomes part raising the kids, and a part of their daily lives, he needs to abide by our rules. It has taken a long time for him to understand that, but he does a lot better now than when the kids were little.

I was a freaked out first time parent, too, but learned to relax when Hannah was 4 months old and I found out I was 7 weeks pregnant.

Denae

 

[NMAmy]

Okay- well since you now put the list up I could see how it is a bit (okay a lot) ridiculous. I am not a schedule person so even I couldn't adhere to that. I thought it was more along the lines of "don't give him this or that etc." I too would have laughed at a list like that. My rules are now- give them what they want except what they are allergic to and they can stay up until whenever. Of course we rarely go out but I have layed off considerably compared to the first year.

I should have been more clear as to the silliness of my older sister. Plus, she knew darn good and well that my mom had two teenagers at home who were in charge of doing all the laundry. And I was in school during the time frame she wanted that first load put in the washer.

 

[TinkerbEllnor]

Your story struck a chord with me, OP.

When I was a brand new mom, I got in my MILs face over something trivial re: the baby's perfect care. I am embarrassed about it now, and am glad that my MIL had the grace to let it go and move on.

My MIL was changing a poopy diaper and I got angry that she didn't remove the child's SOCKS before changing the diaper. (My irrational sleep-deprived-induced thinking- only an IDIOT would not realize that the kid is going to kick that socked foot right into the poop)

It had been 2 full weeks of C-section recovery, no more than 2 hrs of sleep at a stretch, a houseful of company, and trying to learn my way around this new baby. Stressful to say the least and I snapped.

She over-compensated a bit for the last couple of days of their visit- "is it OK for me to...." for every detail- it was annoying but I deserved it. Then she let it go.

 

[DebD4T]

Seriously? You think after raising three kids of her own my mom couldn't figure out when to throw a load of laundry into the washer? The list was set up along the lines of this:

8:00 Baby wakes up
8:05 Change diaper (Wow--never would have figured out that one.)
8:10 Prepare bottle (with precise instructions listed for bottle preparation.)
8:15 Feed baby
8:30-Put baby in the swing and put a load of baby's clothes in the washer

On and on for an entire day.

My sister laughs about it now. When my niece was born, she'd drop both kids at Mom's house and run out the door. No list necessary, she was just happy to get the heck out.

We have the same sister!!!

My philosophy was always "whoever is in charge of taking care of my kids makes the rules".

 

[Mahnahmahnah]

TinkerbEllnor-the sleep depravation has a lot to do with it! I'm sure I hurt my DMIL feelings, too. I'll have to ask my SIL's though if she complained about me

mickeyboat- Best wishes!
I just freaked because "Aunt Flo" was late! I'm still recovering from the first!

I love this thread

 

[jen0610]

Growing up, the only issue my parents took with my grandparents was that when we are there, they are to indulge us. Stop putting the cookie jar and sugar pops up. Fill the candy jars with the kind of sweets we liked. Let us stay up later then normal.

It was a blast going to grandma/pa's house. And when they come up to see us, we knew there would be special treats for us to indulge in.

It's amazing what some of us lived thru as babies and kids.

 

[arminnie]

I used to go to dinner once a month with some work friends. One of them finally had a baby after in vitro. She brought the baby to see us before dinner (at a restaurant) when the baby was about 4-5 months old.

She asked us to go wash our hands if we wanted to hold the baby. She said it was her husband's rule. We indulged her - but it's not like we were going to sit down to eat with dirty hands anyway!

She soon relaxed which was good for her and the baby.

 

[eh24fan]

I am always amazed at the "rules" some parents have for their newborns. It makes me laugh because they wouldn't last an hour in my family. DS was 5 days old when we went to the birthday party my stepmom had for my sisters. They were turning 8 and 9 and my dad's whole family was athere. He's the oldest of 5 kids and I'm the oldest of the 15 grandkids, you get the picture. We got there and aside from when he needed to eat (I was nursing him), I never saw him. I was recovering from the c-section and everyone wanted to see him and hold him, so they did. DFi on the other hand was asking "Where is he? Who has him? They better be careful!" I just smiled and reminded him of where we were and who was there.

We weren't making people go wash and sanitize their hands, we weren't making sure they were holding him JUST right, fussing with his clothes, nothing. Heck, we were there about 3 hours and never changed a diaper! They did it.

 

[shirleyb]

First time parents get a little "crazy" with the first baby - I know. I think Grandma should accept the DIL's apology and both parties forget about the whole thing.

Maybe, on the next visit, Grandma can ask for the "rules" at the beginning of the stay.

Good post. First time parents are usually a little obsessive, but learn to relax eventually.

 

[dogluva]

I don't understand why people who go through procedures feel that their child is more imortant than mine. So, because I conceived naturally all six does that mean that they need less care?

I only ask this because my father in law's girlfriend's daughter (get that?) has made it very clear to us that they went through years and years of invitro and this baby is very precious and special. Uh, aren't all babies? I was very offended because it was like my kids were replacable. I just don't get that.

Also, the man next door made me feel as if his daughter was more important than any of my six. His feeling was, I had a lot so if anything happened to one of them (or two, or three) then it was really no big deal! On the other hand, if their only child was hurt, it would be so much worse. Flame me, but I don't get this thinking. All children are important, not one more than the other.

Ok, thank you for letting me vent.

 

[dogluva]

I think that parents who have been parenting for a long time have seen so many of the baby "rules" change along the way, that they just kind of go with what worked for them. You know--babies MUST sleep on their stomach so they don't choke if they spit up. No, babies MUST sleep on their backs so they don't die of SIDS. It's good to introduce solid foods early so your baby will sleep through the night--no, no, food allergies develop if foods are given too early. Bottle feeding is best--no, breast feeding is best.

When you've seen the scientists contradict themselves repeatedly over the years, you kind of begin to take all those absolute rules that are announced with a grain of salt, KWIM? I don't necessarily think that they believe their parenting was faulty--I mean, they were doing just what you're doing and going by what the experts told them they had to do for a happy, healthy baby.

And when your babies are parents themselves, you'll have lots of things that you thought were the perfect way to raise a child listed as absolutely wrong.

This is so true-thing have changed so much since my oldest and youngest have been born, not to mention the sleeping (we went through all three positions, by the last two I picked one they like the best). It is really a different world and my youngest is five. I know they have a slew of new baby things since she was a baby. By my fifth, I knew what I needed and it included a laundry basket to put her in so I could move it from room to room (no matching crib set for her, her socks didn't even match!).

By the time my fifth baby was born, I was giving my five year old (yes, five) the bottle to hold while I switched over the laundry! I would have just about died than do that 20 years ago since my oldest was born. I think people should have their second child first.

 

[In a hurry]

I don't understand why people who go through procedures feel that their child is more imortant than mine. So, because I conceived naturally all six does that mean that they need less care?

I only ask this because my father in law's girlfriend's daughter (get that?) has made it very clear to us that they went through years and years of invitro and this baby is very precious and special. Uh, aren't all babies? I was very offended because it was like my kids were replacable. I just don't get that.

Also, the man next door made me feel as if his daughter was more important than any of my six. His feeling was, I had a lot so if anything happened to one of them (or two, or three) then it was really no big deal! On the other hand, if their only child was hurt, it would be so much worse. Flame me, but I don't get this thinking. All children are important, not one more than the other.

Ok, thank you for letting me vent.

I have four myself, and I understand what you are saying. However I will also say that my littlest, who was a micropreemie will always be just the tiniest bit more special to me. I guess because we had to fight and sacrifice so much for him. I don't love him more, but I was more careful of him. He was my last, and it was very difficult not to overreact as though he was my first.

 

[dogluva]

I have four myself, and I understand what you are saying. However I will also say that my littlest, who was a micropreemie will always be just the tiniest bit more special to me. I guess because we had to fight and sacrifice so much for him. I don't love him more, but I was more careful of him. He was my last, and it was very difficult not to overreact as though he was my first.

This is totally understandable. You are saying that he needed special care. I agree, he probably is a little more special in a different way. My father in law made me feel that my kids were just so replacable. Actually, it would be harder in some ways of anything happened to one of my children (God forbit). I wouldn't be able to look at any of them without remembering who was missing. what I am trying to say is, all kids are precious regardless of what was done to get them.

 

[mamacatnv]

My children have never had the luxury of doting grandparents who are close by. The visits with DH's parents involve travel from one Coast to the Other (mine are not in the picture at all)
My FIL has 5 kids, my MIL 3 - My DH is the oldest of the bunch. There are only a handful of Grandkids and we are the only ones that are not in the same town.
My DH's father remarried after his mother had passed away, my "MIL" is the only MIL I have ever known and the only Grandmother my children know.

My FIL made it very clear from the beginning, when they are visiting us or we are visiting them the kids are theirs, not ours.

Sure, they held them too much, they spoiled the heck out of them and we always have to reprogram them when we get them back. They fed them chocolate ice cream for breakfast and pancakes for dinner. They took away their pacifiers and gave them bottles at bed time, they added cereal to their bottles let them cuddle in bed with them in the mornings and totally screwed up their routines. They didn't serve them veggies and they would of course let them go down the slide another million times.

Yep, the 1st week post Grandparents is always pure heck to get everyone back to their routines. My children are worshipped and adored a week or 2 every other year or so, my inlaws get to be overly indulgent to make up for their geographical absence. Who losses? NO ONE

All you controlling parents need to get a grip and be thankful that your children have someone in this world besides you who loves and adores them.

Disclaimer:
They do not live down the street or the rules would be different.
They have not endangered my children in any way. They respect the rules of car seats, seat belts etc. even though they may not see the point.


And for what it is worth - I do not think that it matters how the child came to you, they are no more precious than any other child is to most any other parent. If you think that because you "tried" harder than some that your child is MORE precious, you are doing your child a huge disservice and just plain annoying everyone else around you.