Attention All Grandparents!!

[Tiggerlovinggrandma]

How many hours do you babysit for or watch your grandchildren each week?

With our DD's recent separation in the last two weeks, DH and my hours with DGS have went from an average of 75 a week to 54 a week. Who knows how much time we will end up having with the little guy once everything is said and done. Regardless though we always make the most of our time together. However this got DH and I wondering how many hours of care everyone else does with their grandchildren? Is there such a thing as an average amount of time to spend with a grandchild? Would you perfer more or less time? When does it become too much or not enough?

Also anyone who has children that have separated or divorced, how do you handled everything? Specifically how do you handle your your grown child and what they are going through. What about your son or daughter in law, their parents, your time with your grandchild or grandchildren. Any advice or information you can pass along would be helpful. Life is changing once again for us and we are entering a new uncharted ground. We are stressed and have no clue what we should do or say. We do not wish to add to this already stree filled situation. We want to do our best for our DGS who is only 22 mos and has no clue what is going on. We have helped DD as much as possible with some furniture, groceries, etc. DH and I believe she has made some errors already such as moving out to a new apt, spending less time then her DH with son because of her work and school schedule and not seeing an attorney becasue she says she can't afford one yet and neither can we. However she does not listen to our warnings or advice. She is 22, very headstrong and tends to more very quickly into decisions and often finds out later they are mistakes. DH and I don't feel it is our place to say whether the separation is a mistake or not, only she can decide that. However we only wish she would examine things a bit better BEFORE acting on them to avoid proiblems in the future. SIL seems to be saying and doing all the right things at the moment. DH and I believe from what we have heard from him and others that he is doing his best to lay the ground work for everyone to believe he had no part in this and this was solely DD's decision. Truthfully SIL has major issues that led to this and DD has some of her own. Right now they are pointing fingers. So DH and I believe this is going to be long, hard and extremely messy and we just what to do what is best for DGS and not casue him or DD fully distressed.

Thanks!

 

[Mouse House Mama]

IMO you should watch your grandson as much as you feel comfortable doing. It is nice that you are trying to help as much as you can but in the end you can only do what you can do. Good luck with the whole situation.

 

[Lstar311]

I am not a Grandparent but a parent. My ILs spend about one half day or evening with my son every two weeks. This is their choice not ours. They don't really call to see him much, I have no idea why but they do watch my neice two days a week. There is no bad blood or anything but I guess the time they have with him is enough for them. They are willing to babysit at the drop of a hat though.

My own mother spends about 2 weeknights and a good portion of the weekend with my son and I.

 

[mickeylove2]

I'm not a grandparent, but I am going through a similar situation as your DD so here's my 2 cents. First off, your DD needs to go the the courthouse and file custody and child support- there should be a legal aid lawyer that she can talk to and get advice from for free.

Second- don't bad mouth your SIL no matter how badly you want to, you never know, he and your DD may work things out and that will only cause friction in the long run. Also with that, even though your DGS is so little he may repeat things that he hears.

Spend as much time with him as you can, shower him with love and also be there for your DD. Allow your DD time to herself, she is young and at this point in her decision she's probably a lot more stressed and upset then she is letting on. Let her go out with her friends and don't give her a hard time about it. If you have the financial means to, help her where she needs it. Support her emotionally, she needs it.

I don't want to get to long and drawn out so I'll stop there. If you need a shoulder feel free to PM me, like I said, I'm in a very similar situation and I can give you advice based on my parents actions throughout my separation and divorce.

 

[jenb1023]

I am the parent but I think how much time spent depends on how much time they have to give and how close they live.

My parents have watched my DD since she was 6 weeks old and I went back to work full-time. So they had her for 35 - 40 hours a week until she started pre-school and is now in kindergarten so they only watch her about 20 hours a week now. They however work part-time or not at all and live about 7 minutes away. They also watch her about twice a month in the evening for us as well.

My in-laws both work full-time and live about 25 minutes away. They are happy to have us and DD visit or to watch her but they don't have as much time and it is not as convenient. They typically see my DD every other weekend either with us or to babysit.

I can't really help with the divorce issues except to give you a and to say always take the high road that seems to be the best recourse of people I know who have gone through this when kids are involved.

 

[mrsklamc]

I'm in no position to advise or judge, but I would say 75 seems like an awful lot.

 

[nikkistevej]

My Mom lives next door, so she sees my DD6 about 3 hours a week, we don't get her to watch her that much. My DD just goes next to door to "play with Mamaw". Also my dad just passed a couple months ago, so my Mom loves having the company. My MIL picks her up 2 times a week, and takes her to her job for about 2 hours with her, and then takes her home, and we pick her up after work. So probably a total of about 5 hours. She lives about 2 minutes away. So very close and convenient- they have always watched her when needed. Both my mom and MIL work full time- so we don't like to overload them- we know they're tired too. LOL

 

[design_mom]

I am also a parent (not a grandparent). My parents and in-laws both live within 20 minutes of us. We spend quite a bit of time together as a family (we try to see each set of grandparents at least once per week...and sometimes twice), but they don't "watch the kids" very often. Maybe a couple of times per year.

Both sets of grandparents are wonderful and we would definitely trust them to watch the kids. However, my parents have said that they would prefer not to be our main child-care option... and DH's parents spend a lot of time watching his niece and nephew. (They babysit most days, then SIL and BIL often stop by after work for dinner and stay for the evening.)

In some ways, I would love to have family watch the kids. On the other hand, I like the grandparent/grandchild relationship that the kids enjoy now. They're always so excited to go see the grandparents and the grandparents are always excited to see them. And we can let the grandparents have a little leeway with spoiling the kids since it's not every day.

On the other hand, I see how my ILs relationship with my niece and nephew is different. They are almost like another set of parents to the kids, rather than grandparents (have to discipline, enforce rules, can't spoil all the time, etc.) and sometimes I think my ILs feel like SIL/BIL take advantage of them, but they don't know how to say "no." This has to cause resentment, even though it's not the grandkids' fault.

I don't think there's a "magic formula" for how much time grandparents should spend with their grandkids, as long as everyone involved is comfortable with it... but the amount of time does change the "tone" of the relationship, I think.

 

[nikkistevej]

I am also a parent (not a grandparent). My parents and in-laws both live within 20 minutes of us. We spend quite a bit of time together as a family (we try to see each set of grandparents at least once per week...and sometimes twice), but they don't "watch the kids" very often. Maybe a couple of times per year.

Both sets of grandparents are wonderful and we would definitely trust them to watch the kids. However, my parents have said that they would prefer not to be our main child-care option... and DH's parents spend a lot of time watching his niece and nephew. (They babysit most days, then SIL and BIL often stop by after work for dinner and stay for the evening.)

In some ways, I would love to have family watch the kids. On the other hand, I like the grandparent/grandchild relationship that the kids enjoy now. They're always so excited to go see the grandparents and the grandparents are always excited to see them. And we can let the grandparents have a little leeway with spoiling the kids since it's not every day.

On the other hand, I see how my ILs relationship with my niece and nephew is different. They are almost like another set of parents to the kids, rather than grandparents (have to discipline, enforce rules, can't spoil all the time, etc.) and sometimes I think my ILs feel like SIL/BIL take advantage of them, but they don't know how to say "no." This has to cause resentment, even though it's not the grandkids' fault.

I don't think there's a "magic formula" for how much time grandparents should spend with their grandkids, as long as everyone involved is comfortable with it... but the amount of time does change the "tone" of the relationship, I think.

ITA with you on this, my SIL's get their parents(Dh's parents too) to watch their kids all of the time, and one of SIL's actually just moved out of their house- my nephew lived there for the first 8 years of his life- he definately had a different relationship with my Inlaws than my DD did. MY SIL also took advantage of her parents- she's a piece of crap anyway(but that's another thread- LOL) But now that they (my SIL and nephew) moved out, my DD has actually gotten closer to my MIL and FIL, which I'm happy about.

 

[Vijoge]

I have five granddaughters. Two live with me full time, one stays with us most weekends from Friday evening until Sunday evening, two we see a couple times a month but I have not "watched" either of them. (One lives in another city and one spends most of her time with her other grandma.)

My mother used to babysit my sister's daughter a lot and my nephew spent one weekend a month with her but she never once babysit any of my kids.

I spent two weeks every summer with my grandmother but that is all.

It seems to be different for everyone.

 

[okeydokey]

We live out of state from family so our answer is zero hours.

 

[gabriellyn]

My MIL lives a few minutes away and she sees my youngest only once or so every other MONTH. She doesn't even ask how he is doing when she talks to DH, let alone ask how I am doing or my 2 older children are doing. Unfortunately, my parents live about 2 hours away so we don't see them very often. They do get my two oldest for a week in the summertime. When my youngest is older and out of diapers he will most likely go too.

 

[jennifer293]

Parent here...my parents see my kids maybe once every 3 weeks if that and only because I may invite them to dinner or an event at DD's school..NEVER because they just WANT to see the girls. My parents have never offered to keep our girls just because they want to.

MIL sees our girls only on holidays and that is pushing it (she only lives 20 minutes away) they are her only grandchildren too. Over the past 3 years she has drifted away and did not even acknowledge the girls b-days this past year (no phone call, card, nothing). DD's have really picked up on this lately and when they do see her now they don't have much to do with her. It is really sad to watch especially for DH.

FIL StepMIL see the girls once every few months but they live 3 hours away and when they do see them they enjoy their time with them. Too bad they live 3 hours away!!!

 

[mjmoon]

55 hours a week is a LOT. Are you the primary caregiver while mom is at work/school? I think you guys are spending more time than most grandparents get to. Are you thinking that is too much or not enough?

 

[mom2meiko]

i'm also a parent and not a grandparent but i wanted to add perspective not only as a parent but as a child of divorced parents with very close grandparents.

first - it sounds like you are spending a lot of time with your grandson. if that is the amount you want, more power to you. if you feel it is overwhelming or exhausting, you should speak up. my dad watches my dd (19 mo.) for me 3 days a week. we are expecting #2 and he has been very clear that he cannot watch 2 kids - it would just be too much for him physically. (he has a heart condition.) he said it's up to us which one he watches but he will only take one. we totally respect and appreciate his help. he will watch the new baby and our dd will go to daycare which i am more comfortable with now that she will be older.

second - i remember when my parents divorced and my grandparents (who lived in the same town as us so we saw them fairly regularly) were so heartbroken. i remember they felt a bit betrayed but they also still loved and supported my father as much as they could. he was still welcomed in their home - and to be honest, it was my father who was with my grandfather (literally holding his hand) in the ambulance on the way to the hospital when he died. (his last words were "thank you" to my father.) they always treated each other respectfully and i hope you and your son in law (soon to be ex or not) will be able to do so - regardless of the problems between him and your daughter. you are permanently tied to one another through your grandson - you all need to find a way to make it work for his sake.

third - have your dd check with the courts for assistance on the legal side of things. it doesn't sound like she's made the best choices but that isn't surprising considering her age. it's not an insult at all, please don't take it that way. i don't know your daughter but i work with college kids that are 21/22 years old and they are in no way prepared to make the kind of life decisions that your daughter is facing right now. be as supportive as you can/wish but remember that she is an adult and she should expect to stand on her own two feet - bad judgment and all. it's not your job to solve her issues, just support her as she figures out how to do it for herself. (she'll likely grow to be a stronger person for the experience.)

four - god bless you for being such wonderfully involved grandparents. it's a gift that your grandson is very luck to have. (my dd has 7 grandparents and only 2 bother with her regularly. one set sees her once or twice a year (birthday & xmas), one set every 3 or 4 months (if we have them down) and the other grandmother is only every 6 months or so usually. it breaks my heart that they are missing out on so much joy with our dd.

 

[sk!mom]

55 hours a week is a LOT. Are you the primary caregiver while mom is at work/school? I think you guys are spending more time than most grandparents get to. Are you thinking that is too much or not enough?

This what I was thinking and wondering. Both numbers the OP stated seem like an awful lot to me. 72 hours a week is almost half the child's life.

I'm not a grandparent yet but I would expect to only have my grandchildren a few hours a week or maybe a full day a couple of times a month.

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

Wow, reading this thread made me sad. I am not a grandma, but a mom of 3 girls who are missing out for sure. We have a set of grandparents we see once a year for a few days. A grandmother we see for a couple hours every few years. Then there is my grandparents eho the kids adore that they see for a week every few months. I always knew my kids were missing out, but wow! Unfortunatly we could not provide for our family where we grew up (the Detroit area, need I say more...) So we had to move away, but how nice for everyone who gets to see grandma and grandpa so often, I am jealous!

75 hours though, I am a SAHM and I don't think I see my kids that much! But how nice she has you to count on...

 

[noahdove]

I am a grandmother and I watch my daughter's little girl, age 2 and when my daughter goes back to work, I will watch her new baby. I may watch them at least 40 hours a week..and the whole family comes out either Sat. night or Sunday afternoon. If we don't see the grandchildren often, we go and see them. They live just 4 miles away...By the way, the other grandma has only seen the 2 year old, 2 times and the baby so far never....that's ok with us, that is more time with our wee ones

 

[RMulieri]

My dds grandparents see her once a month. We live over 3 hrs away from both sets.

 

[jax677]

OP you and they are blessed. My mother died when my daughter was 2 and I was preg. with my other daughter. She would have been a great grandma. Unfortunately my inlaws are only interested in my sil's oldest. It used to be hard but since my girls are grown now its less so. We just had to accept the grandparents they chose to be.