Attention All Grandparents!!

[Tiggerlovinggrandma]

Now I'm even more confused than ever after your last post. I gather the reason you are with your grandchild that many hours a week is simply that you choose to, not that the parents have requested or need your help?

While it sound like you are terrific grandparents, my own inlaw issues can't help but make me wonder if the SIL feels that he's being usurped and you are coparenting his children.

Sorry if I'm way off base, I'm just not understanding why a child would be away from his parents so many hours each week. I know you love your grandchildren, but I just don't understand being upset that you are "only" seeing them 56 hours a week unless there is some issue where the parents don't properly care for them.

I am sorry to have confused you. First t am not complaining about the number of hours DH and I care for our DGS. At least that was not my intention. I noted that we use to watch him 75 hours + and now its more like 55. My original question was just for information to see how many days or hours other grandparents care for their grandchildren (just to get an ideal of what others do or not do).

DH and I would care for DGS regardless of the reason as we love him very much and are able to do so. He is a joy. We were very much hands on/ involved parents with DD and want to be the same with our grandchild/ grandchildren. However our particular hours have always been at the request of DD and SIL.

To be honest, DH and I have felt on occassion that we do watch our grandson quite abit (not complaining just an observation). There are a many times he is with us a full week or more. Last spring our DD became very ill and was hospitalized twice, once for 4 days, another for 3 days. We cared for DGS for 8 weeks while she "recovered". During those 8 weeks, DD and SIl went out to dinners, movies, shopping trips and more. Also during the two months, DD came by twice to spend an hour with her son and called to check on him twice. SIL do not do either. Now we realize she was quite ill at the time (Mrsa virus and gallbladder surgery) However we also felt if they both were well enough to socialize then they could have been taking care of thier son as well. Also whenever DD or SIL are sick (cold, strep throat, stomach bug, etc)they will ask us to keep DS at our place until they are well any where from 4 -10 days. We are also asked whenever they have errands to run or want to go out for this or that event. In a nut shell, DH and I feel DD and SIL do not spend enough time with DS. This has unfortuantely been the case from the day he was born. We have conveyed our feelings to both of them about this. All they say is that it can't be helped. DH and I disagree. We have no doubt they love him and when they are with him they are very good with him however it seems "other priorities in their lives" (school, social life, etc) get in the way often.

When DH and I were young we did not drop our daughter off to a sitter at every drop of the hat. Nor did we have grandparents close by to depend on for every little thing. We were never ones to ask anyone to be responsible for the care of our child. DD and SIL are at the opposite end of this spectrum. DD and SIl seem not to mind how much we babysit our DGS as long as they have time to work, play and go to school, travel, etc and not necessarily in that order. We see a lot of parents out in the world today having to deal with life issues everyday and still take care of their children. Both DD and SIL are lax in this area. We think DD and SIL both need to grow up and do a better job at juggling their livesand make sure to fit time in for DS. That is our only complant. Its not easy for any parent but it can be done. Marriage, children and work should be your mainstream priorities with school, travel and socialing down the list. You fit these last three in when you can. With our daughter and SIL they tend to put DS at the bottom of their list which in our opinion is wrong.

Whether their separation and/or divorce will mature them any in this area will remain to be seen. So far it hasn't. DD spends less time then ever with DS sighting having to work more to put a roof over their heads. Not necessary since we offered her to come home to save her money but she declined. Working hard is very well indeed however she still finds a lot of time for school and to socialize (2-3 times each week). As for SIL, no I do not think he cares one bit if we are so called "coparenting" his son. He is very much like DD. We took him to dinner with DGS on Thursday and he told us he is going to NJ to visit a friend later this month. Guess who gets to care for DS? Its not DD. Mind you his priority is friends and travel and not the marriage couseling he should be spending his money on to save his marriage!

Also SIL has learned nothing so far about how hard things will be as a single parent if DD and him divorce since he is still asking his mother to clean his house, do his laundry, babysit his son during the weekend when he has him, buy him groceries as well as clothing and toys for DS.

DH and I know we can not change either DD or SIL. The only thing we can do is proivide a bit of stability in our DGS life on the days and hours we have him and hope and pray for the best.

Both DD and SIL are young and I am not meaning in age, both are immature and both are irresponcible in OOP.

I hope this helps clear up some things. Our situation is a difficult one. We want what is best for DD, SIL and DGS all the way around. We have no idea how things will turn out. All we can do is be there for DGS and pray DD and SIL get their act together for DS's sake. Comments, suggestions, advice are always welcome. Any other questions please ask.

 

[Nancyg56]

Thank God that you and your DH are there to provide a warm, loving stable environment for this little boy. My husbands sister was a lot like your DD and SIL, hos parents stepped in and kept their GS as much as they were allowed and my DH stepped up to provide a younger parental figure for him.

Children are not disposable and they are not portable yet so many times people will have them without understanding the commitment that parenting takes. I was able to see through your posts that you loved this precious little boy and this last post shows that you are not only trying to be good grandparents, you are trying to balance the thin line between being a wonderful caring and loving GP with that of parent without confusing him. God Bles you both adn I wosh you the best of luck!

 

[mrsklamc]

I have to admit, I totally misjudged you. I thought you were complaining about spending fewer hours with your grandson. His parents need to parent him,for the good of everyone involved. What DD and DSIL are doing is unfair to you and to their son, and they are robbing themselves as well, of the time they are missing with their little boy.

It sounds like he's a toy they think they can just take out of the box and play with whenever it's convenient for them. If he doesn't already, it won't be long before he understands that and resents them for it.

 

[Tiggerlovinggrandma]

Thank you both for your wonderful words. DH and I appreciate whatever time we get with our DGS. We love him to bits and enjoy our moments together. However he needs his mommy and daddy and this is what breaks our hearts. They should be his primary caregivers and are not. He is not a toy to take out and play with when they choose too. They made a commitment to him when he was born and they BOTH need honor that. We can't seem to get this poiint across to DD and SIL. Their priorites are confused. So all we can do is be there for DGS when he is in our care. It is very much like we are walking a fine line between grandparent and parent. We try very hard not to cross it. We continue to hope and ptray that DD and SIL will wake up before its too late. DGS is such a wonderful little boy and they are missing out on so much.

 

[mandynee22]

Um... I think that some years ago, I *was* your DD LOL
I'm not a grandparent and My mom and step father live in FL (we're in MA). They used to live here but moved several years ago. Befoe they left, my mom would babysit 2 nights a week (5 hr/ time) when I worked. Now she doesn't at all (obviously).
My dad lives and hour away but comes to visit.
DD's paternal GMa passed away. Paternal; grandfather travels a lot and she sees him but he doesn't babysit.
DS's grandparents see him a few times a week when he goes with his dad.

Tell your DD that she doesn't need a lawyer to file for custody, child support and a visitation schedule. I wasted so much on stupid lawyers for no reason.
FWIW, DD's father and I had a very messy situation (like ridiculously and we did get legally divorced). Fast forward to now- 7 yrs later, we've been back together for a year



ETA: UM.. except the dropping off the kids part and everything else LOL. I just meant I was the same as your DD meaning I was about the same age and so was DD when I got divorced and the fact that it was messy. I have always been the primary caregiver. DD did once spend a week with my dad though (I think she was 6). He took her to NH with his brother and Sister in law and their grandson

 

[lil mermaid]

I am sorry to have confused you. First t am not complaining about the number of hours DH and I care for our DGS. At least that was not my intention. I noted that we use to watch him 75 hours + and now its more like 55. My original question was just for information to see how many days or hours other grandparents care for their grandchildren (just to get an ideal of what others do or not do).

DH and I would care for DGS regardless of the reason as we love him very much and are able to do so. He is a joy. We were very much hands on/ involved parents with DD and want to be the same with our grandchild/ grandchildren. However our particular hours have always been at the request of DD and SIL.

To be honest, DH and I have felt on occassion that we do watch our grandson quite abit (not complaining just an observation). There are a many times he is with us a full week or more. Last spring our DD became very ill and was hospitalized twice, once for 4 days, another for 3 days. We cared for DGS for 8 weeks while she "recovered". During those 8 weeks, DD and SIl went out to dinners, movies, shopping trips and more. Also during the two months, DD came by twice to spend an hour with her son and called to check on him twice. SIL do not do either. Now we realize she was quite ill at the time (Mrsa virus and gallbladder surgery) However we also felt if they both were well enough to socialize then they could have been taking care of thier son as well. Also whenever DD or SIL are sick (cold, strep throat, stomach bug, etc)they will ask us to keep DS at our place until they are well any where from 4 -10 days. We are also asked whenever they have errands to run or want to go out for this or that event. In a nut shell, DH and I feel DD and SIL do not spend enough time with DS. This has unfortuantely been the case from the day he was born. We have conveyed our feelings to both of them about this. All they say is that it can't be helped. DH and I disagree. We have no doubt they love him and when they are with him they are very good with him however it seems "other priorities in their lives" (school, social life, etc) get in the way often.

When DH and I were young we did not drop our daughter off to a sitter at every drop of the hat. Nor did we have grandparents close by to depend on for every little thing. We were never ones to ask anyone to be responsible for the care of our child. DD and SIL are at the opposite end of this spectrum. DD and SIl seem not to mind how much we babysit our DGS as long as they have time to work, play and go to school, travel, etc and not necessarily in that order. We see a lot of parents out in the world today having to deal with life issues everyday and still take care of their children. Both DD and SIL are lax in this area. We think DD and SIL both need to grow up and do a better job at juggling their livesand make sure to fit time in for DS. That is our only complant. Its not easy for any parent but it can be done. Marriage, children and work should be your mainstream priorities with school, travel and socialing down the list. You fit these last three in when you can. With our daughter and SIL they tend to put DS at the bottom of their list which in our opinion is wrong.

Whether their separation and/or divorce will mature them any in this area will remain to be seen. So far it hasn't. DD spends less time then ever with DS sighting having to work more to put a roof over their heads. Not necessary since we offered her to come home to save her money but she declined. Working hard is very well indeed however she still finds a lot of time for school and to socialize (2-3 times each week). As for SIL, no I do not think he cares one bit if we are so called "coparenting" his son. He is very much like DD. We took him to dinner with DGS on Thursday and he told us he is going to NJ to visit a friend later this month. Guess who gets to care for DS? Its not DD. Mind you his priority is friends and travel and not the marriage couseling he should be spending his money on to save his marriage!

Also SIL has learned nothing so far about how hard things will be as a single parent if DD and him divorce since he is still asking his mother to clean his house, do his laundry, babysit his son during the weekend when he has him, buy him groceries as well as clothing and toys for DS.

DH and I know we can not change either DD or SIL. The only thing we can do is proivide a bit of stability in our DGS life on the days and hours we have him and hope and pray for the best.

Both DD and SIL are young and I am not meaning in age, both are immature and both are irresponcible in OOP.

I hope this helps clear up some things. Our situation is a difficult one. We want what is best for DD, SIL and DGS all the way around. We have no idea how things will turn out. All we can do is be there for DGS and pray DD and SIL get their act together for DS's sake. Comments, suggestions, advice are always welcome. Any other questions please ask.

Wow, OP. Thank goodness your grandson has you and your DH in his life.

The situation you are describing with your DD is NOT normal. I cannot even fathom seeing my children only twice in 8 weeks, no matter how sick I was. It just would not happen.

They shouldn't need to "fit in time" for their DS. Their DS should come first and they should have to fit in everything else around them. This is going to sound incredibly mean and judgemental and I am sure I will get flamed but I don't think your DD and SIL even deserve that baby. I shudder to think about what his situation would be like if he didn't have you to care for him.

You are an amazing Grandma and I am so glad that he has you. And I can't even imagine how hard this is for you.

 

[disykat]

Thank you for clarifying. It sure makes more sense now! I think you were trying to be nice and left out the reason you are in charge of him so much.

Your grandchild is lucky to have you!