Attending funerals. Where do you draw the line?

[Papa Deuce]

My wife is always going to funerals or feeling compelled to go to a funeral, or upset that she couldn't attend a funeral.

For instance, she took off work to attend her SIL's fathers funeral. She took off work to attend the funeral of a cousin she hasn't seen or talked to in 10 years. She attended her cousin's husband's mom's funeral. She attended the friend of her father's funeral ( this one, I know was probably more in support of her father ).


She has a gay guy friend. She took off to attend the funeral of the guy that he lived with, even though she had never met him. And this is a friend she only see's once or twice a year.

Not to sound callous, but I probably wouldn't have attended any of these funerals if I were her, except MAYBE the one of her dad's friend ( who she knew well, but was not friendly with ).

Where do you draw the line?

 

[snoopy]

Your wife sounds like a really thoughtful person. I know when my parents died I was so glad to see old friends at the funeral....and I've never forgotten those who showed up and lent me support on that terrible day.

I guess as a rule I would make every effort to show up to a funeral of anyone who was blood related to either me or my husband. I would also attend the funeral of the spouse or parents of any co-worker or close friend, regardless of whether or not I have met the person who died.

 

[alabamaalan]

I prefer to go to the wake/viewing the night before if possible for those I am not as close to but still wish to pay respects to the family in person.

 

[bsnyder]

I don't know why anyone has to "draw the line". If they feel like they should or want to go, why not? She's not making you feel like you should be going with her, is she?

My view of ths is probably skewed because I have a very large, extended family, and have lived in the same community all my life. There are many people who's funerals I attend that others probably woudln't, based on the closeness (or lack thereof) of the relationship. I have many people I consider "cousins" who are only distantly related by blood, or perhaps not even at all related by blood (kissin' cousins), but to me, they are family.

 

[caitycaity]

She has a gay guy friend. She took off to attend the funeral of the guy that he lived with, even though she had never met him. And this is a friend she only see's once or twice a year.

perhaps she wanted to be supportive for her friend.

i took unpaid leave to travel cross country for my grandmothers memorial services. i would do it again. other people in my family decided not to travel. fine by me. i come from the "whatever works for you" school.

I guess as a rule I would make every effort to show up to a funeral of anyone who was blood related to either me or my husband. I would also attend the funeral of the spouse or parents of any co-worker or close friend, regardless of whether or not I have met the person who died.

 

[luvwinnie]

I can't imagine someone NOT attending their SIL's father's funeral...remember you are there to show your love and support for the living mostly...none of the ones you mention sound "odd" at all to me.

 

[jrydberg]

i come from the "whatever works for you" school.

A good school If someone feels like going, I'm not gonna tell them no. If someone doesn't feel they should go, I'm not gonna tell them they have to go.

 

[canwegosoon]

I also personally couldn't go to most of those, but I can see how your DW might like being supportive. I think it's very nice of her. Try and let go of it.

 

[bigbabyblues]

I only go to the funeral if it's family. Haven't lost a truly close friend yet, but I'd go if it were a close friend. If it was someone I hadn't seen for a long time, or a relative of someone I know, I'd just go to the calling hours.

 

[SandraM]

She doesn't sound as bad as some in-laws I have - they go to any funeral that they can create the most tenuous relationship with, for example a shopowner that died where they were in his shop a handful of times!

Personally, if a friend lost their live-in partner, I would be inclined to go to that funeral to show support to my friend.

 

[dg39]

There is no line, imo. You do what you feel is right for you. She sounds like a compassionate woman..

 

[palmtreegirl]

She sounds like a very thoughtful person. I tend to avoid funerals at all costs, I don't even want one for myself.

 

[disykat]

I have been to funerals where I didn't know the person who died, but was friends with the bereaved. They've always seemed to really appreciate that I came.

 

[Oh Kay!]

Funerals are for the living, not the dead. I would go to show my sympathy to the bereaved, even if I didn't know the deceased.

 

[Jennifer S]

As we age we seem to be going to more of these unfortunatly. Most have been good frineds parents. I don't go really for the one who died but for the friends who needed me. I missed one and the family was kind of upset. It means more to them than you think. It shows you care.

Your a lucky guy to have that wife.

 

[Freyja]

In my opinion, if you feel you should go, GO!

 

[Puffy2]

It's important to show up for the funeral (or viewing or at the very least send a note or flowers) of anyone close to someone that you have a relationship with (or are family) - at least this is what I think.

When you show up for something like that you are telling/showing the grieving that you care about THEM - that the living person means something to you. Because to not show up (or make some sort of gesture) without a valid reason tells/shows the other living person that you don't give a cra@.

It's during these times that we find out who our friends are - and who are not.

 

[snoopy]

It's important to show up for the funeral (or viewing or at the very least send a note or flowers) of anyone close to someone that you have a relationship with (or are family) - at least this is what I think.

When you show up for something like that you are telling/showing the grieving that you care about THEM - that the living person means something to you. Because to not show up (or make some sort of gesture) without a valid reason tells/shows the other living person that you don't give a cra@.

It's during these times that we find out who our friends are - and who are not.

I so agree....I know there are people who are squeemish about funerals, because I'm one of those people too. I can't bear to actually look at the dead person, and avoid doing so at all costs when there is an open casket.

But I think there are times in life when you have to act like a grownup and do what is right. And what is right is being supportive of your friends and the people you care about, even if it means being uncomfortable while doing so.

 

[Papa Deuce]

Oh, I am very lucky to have such a caring wife. She is very compassionate. It is one of the things that drew me to her. But I only mentioned about 1/3 of the funerals that she went to last year alone!

But she WOULD want me to attend most if not all of these if I wasn't the one staying at home to watch our twins.

And I really belive in attending only the funerals of those who really matter to you. I'm not really squeamish to the point that it would stop me from attending the funeral of a person that mattered to me, not my cousin's husband's mother..... who I never met..... which my wife attended that one too.

 

[Spoisal]

I have a similar dilema right now. I have a neighbor who died suddenly on Saturday - cause currently unknown, but probably a heart attack. He was only in his mid to late 30's. I knew him, but not very well. VERY nice guy & a family man. However, I don't know his wife or kids at all. It seems that most of the neighbors are attending the funeral. I don't know whether to go or not. What do you think I should do?

Oh - and if I go - what do I say to his wife who doesn't know me?