At what point do you put your foot down? LONG!

[happily single]

This is closely related to the post "What expenses do you pay for your adult child".

I am in a bit of a pickle and am looking to see the opinion of other dis'ers. I think I mainly need to vent.

I am dating a great guy, who happens to let his 30 year old son live with him rent-free. In addition to living there rent-free this ADULT son, who works full-time, pays no bills for the house. In fact, my BF pays his cell phone bill. The only bill he has is a car loan (which BF co-signed for). he pays this loan late every month. This adult son does not do ANY chores at the house and often when we return from weekend get-a-ways (or our Disney trip) the house is an absolute mess, with trash over-flowing, dishes not done, etc.

In addition, this ADULT son called BF repeatedly while on vacation, several times a day, in addition to many texts during the day while we were at Disney. I heard BF tell him "DO NOT call me again unless the house is in fire". That lasted all of 2 hours before the text messages began with stupid stuff (like pics of a speaker he ordered). the phone calls also continued. BF would always answer the call and/or call back if he missed the call. Yes, he is part of the issue!

So yesterday was Father's Day. This ADULT son ONLY sent his dad a TEXT message, no gift, no card, nothing! Additionally, the son has now decided to not speak with me (because his dad and I had a fight about a month ago).

Yes, I understand none of these are MY issues, but they are starting to affect our relationship. BF is really making excuse after excuse for this ADULT and doing nothing to correct the issue. So I decided that 1. When the BF and I are together (and not at his house) I will not tolerate the constant interuptions from his son. I will get on the phone and tell the kid to stop calling/texting us.

I did have a conversation with this son about 2 months ago where he acknowledged he wasn't raised to behave this way and he would act appropriately and help out around the house. That lasted all of 1 week.
Do you all have any other suggestions? I DO TOTALLY UNDERSTAND IT IS HIS FATHER'S PLACE TO MAKE CHANGES, but it just isn't happening.

 

[Aliceacc]

I would strongly reconsider this relationship. If you do stay together, this man-child will be put ahead of you every single time

 

[Goofy_Disney_Dad]

I think you either need to accept that this is how it is, or move on. Stepping in and trying to "fix" things will more than likely result in frustration, resentment and boundary issues.

 

[Caskett616]

I would strongly reconsider this relationship. If you do stay together, this man-child will be put ahead of you every single time

I agree.

 

[wenrob]

This is closely related to the post "What expenses do you pay for your adult child".

I am in a bit of a pickle and am looking to see the opinion of other dis'ers. I think I mainly need to vent.

I am dating a great guy, who happens to let his 30 year old son live with him rent-free. In addition to living there rent-free this ADULT son, who works full-time, pays no bills for the house. In fact, my BF pays his cell phone bill. The only bill he has is a car loan (which BF co-signed for). he pays this loan late every month. This adult son does not do ANY chores at the house and often when we return from weekend get-a-ways (or our Disney trip) the house is an absolute mess, with trash over-flowing, dishes not done, etc.

In addition, this ADULT son called BF repeatedly while on vacation, several times a day, in addition to many texts during the day while we were at Disney. I heard BF tell him "DO NOT call me again unless the house is in fire". That lasted all of 2 hours before the text messages began with stupid stuff (like pics of a speaker he ordered). the phone calls also continued. BF would always answer the call and/or call back if he missed the call. Yes, he is part of the issue!

So yesterday was Father's Day. This ADULT son ONLY sent his dad a TEXT message, no gift, no card, nothing! Additionally, the son has now decided to not speak with me (because his dad and I had a fight about a month ago).

Yes, I understand none of these are MY issues, but they are starting to affect our relationship. BF is really making excuse after excuse for this ADULT and doing nothing to correct the issue. So I decided that 1. When the BF and I are together (and not at his house) I will not tolerate the constant interuptions from his son. I will get on the phone and tell the kid to stop calling/texting us.

I did have a conversation with this son about 2 months ago where he acknowledged he wasn't raised to behave this way and he would act appropriately and help out around the house. That lasted all of 1 week.
Do you all have any other suggestions? I DO TOTALLY UNDERSTAND IT IS HIS FATHER'S PLACE TO MAKE CHANGES, but it just isn't happening.

Not your house, not your kid, not your place. MYOB Your issue is with Dad only and all you can do is ask him to go radio silent when you're together or make some kind of compromise but other than that there really isn't anything to be done.

 

[lovemygoofy]

This is closely related to the post "What expenses do you pay for your adult child".

I am in a bit of a pickle and am looking to see the opinion of other dis'ers. I think I mainly need to vent.

I am dating a great guy, who happens to let his 30 year old son live with him rent-free. In addition to living there rent-free this ADULT son, who works full-time, pays no bills for the house. In fact, my BF pays his cell phone bill. The only bill he has is a car loan (which BF co-signed for). he pays this loan late every month. This adult son does not do ANY chores at the house and often when we return from weekend get-a-ways (or our Disney trip) the house is an absolute mess, with trash over-flowing, dishes not done, etc.

In addition, this ADULT son called BF repeatedly while on vacation, several times a day, in addition to many texts during the day while we were at Disney. I heard BF tell him "DO NOT call me again unless the house is in fire". That lasted all of 2 hours before the text messages began with stupid stuff (like pics of a speaker he ordered). the phone calls also continued. BF would always answer the call and/or call back if he missed the call. Yes, he is part of the issue!

So yesterday was Father's Day. This ADULT son ONLY sent his dad a TEXT message, no gift, no card, nothing! Additionally, the son has now decided to not speak with me (because his dad and I had a fight about a month ago).

Yes, I understand none of these are MY issues, but they are starting to affect our relationship. BF is really making excuse after excuse for this ADULT and doing nothing to correct the issue. So I decided that 1. When the BF and I are together (and not at his house) I will not tolerate the constant interuptions from his son. I will get on the phone and tell the kid to stop calling/texting us.

I did have a conversation with this son about 2 months ago where he acknowledged he wasn't raised to behave this way and he would act appropriately and help out around the house. That lasted all of 1 week.
Do you all have any other suggestions? I DO TOTALLY UNDERSTAND IT IS HIS FATHER'S PLACE TO MAKE CHANGES, but it just isn't happening.

You're absolutely nothing to this 30 year old man. Why would he listen to you regarding his house and his lifestyle? It is not any of your business and this is ONLY between the father and his son. Either be prepared to live with it or get out of the relationship but it is not your place to fix it.

 

[MariMama]

This is closely related to the post "What expenses do you pay for your adult child".

I am in a bit of a pickle and am looking to see the opinion of other dis'ers. I think I mainly need to vent.

I am dating a great guy, who happens to let his 30 year old son live with him rent-free. In addition to living there rent-free this ADULT son, who works full-time, pays no bills for the house. In fact, my BF pays his cell phone bill. The only bill he has is a car loan (which BF co-signed for). he pays this loan late every month. This adult son does not do ANY chores at the house and often when we return from weekend get-a-ways (or our Disney trip) the house is an absolute mess, with trash over-flowing, dishes not done, etc.

In addition, this ADULT son called BF repeatedly while on vacation, several times a day, in addition to many texts during the day while we were at Disney. I heard BF tell him "DO NOT call me again unless the house is in fire". That lasted all of 2 hours before the text messages began with stupid stuff (like pics of a speaker he ordered). the phone calls also continued. BF would always answer the call and/or call back if he missed the call. Yes, he is part of the issue!

So yesterday was Father's Day. This ADULT son ONLY sent his dad a TEXT message, no gift, no card, nothing! Additionally, the son has now decided to not speak with me (because his dad and I had a fight about a month ago).

Yes, I understand none of these are MY issues, but they are starting to affect our relationship. BF is really making excuse after excuse for this ADULT and doing nothing to correct the issue. So I decided that 1. When the BF and I are together (and not at his house) I will not tolerate the constant interuptions from his son. I will get on the phone and tell the kid to stop calling/texting us.

I did have a conversation with this son about 2 months ago where he acknowledged he wasn't raised to behave this way and he would act appropriately and help out around the house. That lasted all of 1 week.
Do you all have any other suggestions? I DO TOTALLY UNDERSTAND IT IS HIS FATHER'S PLACE TO MAKE CHANGES, but it just isn't happening.

The son is a leech and your boyfriend has no problem with what he is doing. I'd move on from this relationship.

 

[verleniahall]

I would strongly reconsider this relationship. If you do stay together, this man-child will be put ahead of you every single time

agree

 

[Stacy's a freak]

You have no say about this adult child since he is not your responsibility. So you have to suck it up and deal with it. Or, like Aliceacc said, maybe you should really look at your relationship and decide if this is something that you want to get to the next step. Do you want to live together at some point? Or get married? If so, this adult child would then be a permanent fixture in your life. If you are not OK now with the way bf handles things now, then you might want to choose someone who shares your opinions, actions and morals. If he is raising his kid(s) in a much different way than you would, maybe you two are not the best fit for each other.

Do you have kids of your own? Did you raise yours differently? Or maybe you do not have kids and the idea of dating a man with kids is not your thing. Dating a man with kids means you have to take a back seat to those kids - whether they are young or adults. The kids come first. Ideally, you and the man you're dating would have the same ideas about raising kids (and other important issues) and you would understand his choices AND he might actually ask for your opinion about how to handle tough situations. But if you do not agree, you have to back down. So choose wisely about the bf you want for the long haul

 

[usnuzuloose]

I would only want a man who can stand up to issues. It sounds like his whole relationship to his son has been like this forever. You will not have any say. So I hope you really think about the relationship you want in life.

 

[gotomu212]

I think it's time to exit this relationship. This isn't going to change.

I also think it's WAY over the line for you to take BFs phone and tell his son not to call or text when you're together. I think it's bizarre the dad tolerates it but it's his phone and his kid.

 

[FLCyndi]

Move on.

 

[SirDuff]

It isn't your place to "put your foot down" with your BF's son. You can do so with your BF (realizing that he may well choose his son over you), but it is not your place to tell your BF's son not to call his father. Not sure what else you plan (you started with "1." but I don't see a "2.") but your first step is definitely not appropriate.

 

[Mokat76]

Run, don't walk, away from this mess. Your BF is enabling this behavior. His son is a leech. You won't change either. Run!! Fast and far!

 

[mco65]

I wonder if your BF is some how trying to make up for something he might have missed while his son was young.. was him and his sons mom divorces while the son was young.. did he miss a lot of his childhood and now he is compelled to somehow make up for it..? seems odd. Regardless, unless you marry this guy.. there really isn't much you can nor should do.. you can tell him what you think but I suspect you already have..

 

[Liberty Belle]

While I agree this is not healthy for the son or the dad, short of letting the dad know how you feel and how it is affecting your relationship, I do not think it's right for you to do anything about it. I would tell the father one more time, plainly how much it is affecting you and then let it go (and, if it's your choice, let the relationship go). It's the father's job to speak to the son, not yours.

 

[Sadie22]

Knowing nothing about the mother or the circumstances of why the family is not intact, I admire fathers who do whatever they can to maintain close relationships with sons and daughters. Also knowing nothing about any unseen issues, medical, psychological, or otherwise this young man may have, or whether OP has true knowledge of the son's financial situation or what the father pays or does not pay on the son's behalf, DH and I answer our children's calls or answer them back ASAP via text or phone call no matter what. The one time we didn't might be a serious emergency rather than a sharing time, and what parent could live with that?

 

[Allison]

Walk away.

 

[Vijoge]

As both a mother and a former step-mother I can assure you that the situation is permanent. Only you can decide if this is something you can tolerate long-term. But trust me, you can't change it.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I'd like to add...I would never take my husband's phone away and tell my son to stop calling it and we're married. That's my husband's phone/his business, if he didn't want to enforce the no calling thing, that's on him and I may be annoyed/upset with him about it, but I would never take his phone from him to enforce something he wasn't. And if he did it to me, I would be PISSED.