At What Age Do You Stop Trying to Please Your Parents?

[Jedana]

Does anyone else make decisions based on what was/is expected years/decades later?

I stopped trying to please my father at the age of 15. There were multiple reasons, but it all boiled down to he didn't trust me enough to make the right decisions, yet expected me to care for his girlfriend's two younger children, while her oldest got to go on with her life. (my mom passed when I was 8, so I never got the chance to stop pleasing her.)

 

[quandrea]

I stopped trying to please my dad the day I told him I was changing my major to nursing. I was 18 and he told me that I would never be anything, never have anything, and I was the biggest disappointment of his life. As they say, when somebody shows you who they are, believe them. I never looked back.

Now, with my mother it was a whole different story. Although my mother has always been very critical of me, I had a great desire to please her. I never understood that she would never be pleased with my decisions because it wasn't about me, it was all about her. But I persisted in trying to please, impress, and make my mother happy with the woman I had become. All it did was fuel her fire to turn me into the person she wished I was and it left me more anxious and depressed.

Then I had a nervous breakdown and had to be hospitalized. My mother was not the cause of the breakdown, but through intensive therapy I realized that my constant efforts to make her happy were futile. I realized that many of the decisions I had made over the years were actually efforts to appease my mother, rather than to make my husband or myself happy. I had compromised my marriage and relationships with my own children to please my mother. What a revelation! Although I would not want to revisit that dark time, I am grateful for what I learned about myself and how to draw boundaries with people who try to take over my life.

That was 5 years ago and I couldn't be happier. I love my mom and we have a better relationship now. I try to keep our relationship that of good friends, equals, rather than the more one-sided mother/daughter relationship that it had been. Now, I make decisions and I don't consult with her for her approval. I only give her information about my life that I feel comfortable with her having, knowing that whatever I give her can be turned against me at any time.

I realize that this sounds negative, but I assure you it is not. I finally, at the age of 58, feel like I a grown-up. I have much more control over my life and I'm no longer chasing the hope that THIS TIME, my mother will be proud of me. THIS TIME she will approve of my decision. THIS TIME she won't make me feel guilty or ashamed or stupid. I have gathered myself up and worked through a lot of stuff to get to the good place I'm in today. I love my mother very much and I will do everything to see that she has what she needs, including my attention. But I no longer allow her the kind of puppet-master control over me that she once had.

This was inspiring. I'm going through a very difficult time with my parents. This helped me so much. As you said my father showed me who he is. My mother has abandoned me too. All for putting my husband and children first. I know I've done the right thing. Thank you.

 

[honeydiane1953]

My mother passed 4 yrs ago. I am 61 and STiII do things to pIz my dad and aIways wiII.

 

[shortbun]

Does anyone else make decisions based on what was/is expected years/decades later?

Pretty sure I stopped trying to please my parents at about age 14. We didn't agree on anything that involved me. It was 1967. We always loved each other but I left home at 17 and never went back to live there.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Does anyone else make decisions based on what was/is expected years/decades later?

It is hard for me to understand what that even means. If my parents do not like something, oh well. They just have to get over it.

Now that does not mean I do not listen to their input or talk about things, however I have no trouble being honest with them if they want to know something.

I will say that we had to "parent our parents" growing up so that may have something to do with it. We still have to 'parent them' to this day.

 

[nkereina]

I would, very rhetorically (you don't have to answer), ask... How often to you call and speak to and text your Fiance?

And, I might want to re-evaluate how healthy it is to be so close to anyone, that one would not go a few hours without staying in constant contact.

Well, I live with my fiance so I see and talk to him every day. What are you getting at? We text throughout the day, but we're both working full time too. And it's not that I CAN'T go a few hours without staying in constant contact with my parents, it's that I CHOOSE not to. I'll text my mom around lunch to see what's new and how they day is going (they spend winters in Florida) and will call at night to see what's going on. They've also both had recent health scares so making sure they are on top of appointments, medications, etc is also important to me.

You talk to your parents 2-3 times every single day?

I believe that's what I said, if you re-read. Some people have a need to have close relationships with their folks for various reasons. I am one who does, and you may be one who doesn't. All good. Perhaps you should withhold your judgmental tone though - I didn't outline my full story in my original post and provided additional color above. Every situation is different.

 

[Susiequsie60]

Full disclosure: Both of my parents are gone. My dad was very old school, quiet, really hard worker, not the stronger personality of the two of them. My mom was very outspoken with a seriously big personality. I was her baby and for years I was treated as such and tried very hard to please her. If she could have somehow kept me home with her all of her life, she probably would have loved it. Once I moved out (initially at 19 years old) we spoke every day for many years - usually with really nothing to say. I think that when I was in my late 30's I realized that it really wasn't a healthy relationship for me. I loved her, but I felt that I was never really going to make her happy and I sort of resented the guilt feelings that made me "need" to speak to her everyday. We remained close until the end of her life, but I let go of the daily phone call. At that point, she was actually more interested in my children (her grandchildren) than she was in me anyway probably.

So, as a little spin-off, I've worked very hard to raise my own kids so that they DON'T feel obligated to make me happy. I encouraged college - and how far from home didn't matter. My son (now 23 years old) lived for a year in Europe and now he lives in Chicago (we're in NJ.) I strongly encouraged my daughter to move out a year ago - she was 24 at the time. I'm a huge believer in the whole "roots & wings" thing.

I am extremely close to my kids and they turn to me whenever they feel they need advice. However, I would be disappointed if either of them ever made decisions based on pleasing me.

My husband however: At 57 he is still trying to make his curmudgeon of a father happy. NEVER gonna happen!! And at least my mom was loving towards us. This one is just a jerk . . . but I digress.

 

[okeydokey]

Well, I live with my fiance so I see and talk to him every day. What are you getting at? We text throughout the day, but we're both working full time too. And it's not that I CAN'T go a few hours without staying in constant contact with my parents, it's that I CHOOSE not to. I'll text my mom around lunch to see what's new and how they day is going (they spend winters in Florida) and will call at night to see what's going on. They've also both had recent health scares so making sure they are on top of appointments, medications, etc is also important to me.



I believe that's what I said, if you re-read. Some people have a need to have close relationships with their folks for various reasons. I am one who does, and you may be one who doesn't. All good. Perhaps you should withhold your judgmental tone though - I didn't outline my full story in my original post and provided additional color above. Every situation is different.

There is nothing wrong with your relationship with your parents. It sounds like you are voluntarily close, but not in an unhealthy way. I think it's nice for all of you, some people are just judgy about people that are different than themselves.

 

[JanaDee]

I believe that's what I said, if you re-read. Some people have a need to have close relationships with their folks for various reasons. I am one who does, and you may be one who doesn't. All good. Perhaps you should withhold your judgmental tone though - I didn't outline my full story in my original post and provided additional color above. Every situation is different.

Defensive much? I am close to my mother, too. It doesn't mean I have a need to be in constant, multiple-times-a-day contact with her. Hey, if your fiance can handle your need for constant contact with your parents, more power to him.

 

[NotUrsula]

Well, I live with my fiance so I see and talk to him every day. What are you getting at? We text throughout the day, but we're both working full time too. And it's not that I CAN'T go a few hours without staying in constant contact with my parents, it's that I CHOOSE not to. I'll text my mom around lunch to see what's new and how they day is going (they spend winters in Florida) and will call at night to see what's going on. They've also both had recent health scares so making sure they are on top of appointments, medications, etc is also important to me.

[snip]

Some people have a need to have close relationships with their folks for various reasons. I am one who does, and you may be one who doesn't. All good. Perhaps you should withhold your judgmental tone though - I didn't outline my full story in my original post and provided additional color above. Every situation is different.

I think that what you do is your own business, but I think it's a bit of a red flag that your fiance thinks that your level of contact with your parents is "nuts". Eventually resentment will probably build on one side or the other over what level of contact constitutes "too close". It also has minefield implications for any children you have; he may worry that you will be too attached to them to let them grow emotionally as they should, or annoyed that you will plan to still be involved with their lives on a daily basis even when they are grown; which he may consider should be time for your priorities as a couple.

Truth be told, it's very unusual for the average adult to speak to someone 3X daily every single day unless they live in the same house or work in the same place. Most people would consider 3X a week to be pretty close contact for someone who doesn't share the same physical space every day.

 

[North of Mouse]

And it's not that I CAN'T go a few hours without staying in constant contact with my parents, it's that I CHOOSE not to. I'll text my mom around lunch to see what's new and how they day is going (they spend winters in Florida) and will call at night to see what's going on. They've also both had recent health scares so making sure they are on top of appointments, medications, etc is also important to me.

I admire you for being so considerate and actually enjoying speaking with your parents when they are at a distant and obviously getting older and having health problems.
My parents are both gone now, and I still miss my mom so much. It's not that I have regrets on how I treated them, because I, too, kept in close touch, but I still find myself wanting to phone her about something special that happened!
Just keep up that closeness - you won't regret it!

Truth be told, it's very unusual for the average adult to speak to someone 3X daily every single day unless they live in the same house or work in the same place. Most people would consider 3X a week to be pretty close contact for someone who doesn't share the same physical space every day.

Is it 'really' that unusual?? I think not, especially in lots of the people I know. It's love and respect and a genuine care and interest that caused us to do that - was under no obligation or feelings of guilt. To each their own.

Had to laugh that you think that a pp would feel neglected by someone taking the time to have daily time for their parents that are at a distance and have ill health. My dh & I have been married 46 yrs. and he would never even think such a thought. Now that's what would be a 'red flag' to me, not the other way around! We have/had lots of time for each other and children.

 

[EMom]

Well, I live with my fiance so I see and talk to him every day. What are you getting at? We text throughout the day, but we're both working full time too. And it's not that I CAN'T go a few hours without staying in constant contact with my parents, it's that I CHOOSE not to. I'll text my mom around lunch to see what's new and how they day is going (they spend winters in Florida) and will call at night to see what's going on. They've also both had recent health scares so making sure they are on top of appointments, medications, etc is also important to me.



I believe that's what I said, if you re-read. Some people have a need to have close relationships with their folks for various reasons. I am one who does, and you may be one who doesn't. All good. Perhaps you should withhold your judgmental tone though - I didn't outline my full story in my original post and provided additional color above. Every situation is different.

You're not imagining the judgmental, even snarky tone some of the posters have. But then, some of them have longstanding family issues so perhaps they are projecting. As an only child, I don't find it surprising that you are quite close with your parents, since I have seen that many times. By default, only children are the caregivers when parents have health issues.

You said your fiance talks to his parents once a week, and that they are local. You didn't say he was distant or had an unhealthy relationship with them. So it seems you grasp that different people have different relationships with their parents/families and that many can be healthy. Maybe he is comparing your level of contact to his and he just doesn't understand that all people do not have the same relationship with their parents.

But he needs to get that before you marry or it could lead to conflict. Each of you needs to respect the relationship the other has with his/her parents.

 

[Wishing on a star]

But then, some of them have longstanding family issues so perhaps they are projecting.

Okay, I'll bite....
That is an untrue and ridiculous statement.
Seriously.
Wow....

I don't anything all that snarky or judgemental.
Just valid concerns and questions. (which just happen to question this one poster's views and choices)
Apparently, it sounds like her fiance also is not too happy, as she basically said, He thinks it's nut's.

I, like another poster above, would see problems or issues with any adult who felt compelled to stay in 'constant, multiple times a day' contact with another adult. (unless, of course, there was the need to do so, such as handling an immediate health crisis). I do not think that this would be considered by most people to be normal or positive or healthy.

The word co-dependant comes to mind.

As others have said, if her Fiance thinks it is nuts, and is concerned that once they are married HER 'close relationship' with her parents might have an undue and unwelcomed influence on HIS life and THEIR life as an adult husband and wife, that is an issue that is very valid.

One that the person who posted those comments might begin to take more seriously.

And, this would have absolutely NOTHING to do with the very slight possibility that instead of posting from a candid BTDT viewpoint, these posters 'have issues' and are 'projecting'.

But, hey... whatever.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I think that what you do is your own business, but I think it's a bit of a red flag that your fiance thinks that your level of contact with your parents is "nuts". Eventually resentment will probably build on one side or the other over what level of contact constitutes "too close". It also has minefield implications for any children you have; he may worry that you will be too attached to them to let them grow emotionally as they should, or annoyed that you will plan to still be involved with their lives on a daily basis even when they are grown; which he may consider should be time for your priorities as a couple.

The BEST post I have read on the DIS in a long long time!!!

 

[JanaDee]

You're not imagining the judgmental, even snarky tone some of the posters have. But then, some of them have longstanding family issues so perhaps they are projecting. As an only child, I don't find it surprising that you are quite close with your parents, since I have seen that many times. By default, only children are the caregivers when parents have health issues. You said your fiance talks to his parents once a week, and that they are local. You didn't say he was distant or had an unhealthy relationship with them. So it seems you grasp that different people have different relationships with their parents/families and that many can be healthy. Maybe he is comparing your level of contact to his and he just doesn't understand that all people do not have the same relationship with their parents. But he needs to get that before you marry or it could lead to conflict. Each of you needs to respect the relationship the other has with his/her parents.

Don't kid yourself, we all know what the reaction would be here if someone posted their husband or fiancé talked to his parents multiple times every single day, as well as being in constant contact via texting.

 

[EMom]

The BEST post I have read on the DIS in a long long time!!!

Well, they DID use the term "red flag."

 

[Bluestars]

Don't kid yourself, we all know what the reaction would be here if someone posted their husband or fiancé talked to his parents multiple times every single day, as well as being in constant contact via texting.

As a parent, I can say that my husband would be thrilled if our son, who is at college, texted him several times a day Absolutely thrilled. It doesn't happen though. Usually our son will text me, but not multiple times a day. I have got to say that I would love it.

I talk to my mom once a week, but I am sure she would love it if I called her every day. I don't like talking on the phone that much. I don't mind texting. Sometimes she will text me with pictures of all of the snow she gets, but that's about it.

I don't think it's bad if someone texts their parents several times a day. If my husband did it, I wouldn't care.

 

[okeydokey]

I think it's funny that posters are saying that the Pp is "compelled" to talk to her parents or "needs" to be in close contact. I don't think that is what was said at all. In fact, she said it's not a need, but she does enjoy a close relationship with them. I hope I have a close, loving relationship with mine when they are gone from home.

 

[mom2rtk]

I think it's funny that posters are saying that the Pp is "compelled" to talk to her parents or "needs" to be in close contact. I don't think that is what was said at all. In fact, she said it's not a need, but she does enjoy a close relationship with them. I hope I have a close, loving relationship with mine when they are gone from home.

I didn't read the previous posts as having anything to do with whether she was "compelled" to talk to her parents several times a day. Just that she did. And that the fiancé thought it was nuts.

 

[MakiraMarlena]

I find that trying to please people is difficult at least. Rather than trying to please them, I tend toward accommodation. I may not do what is necessary to please my parents but I do consider them (they may not want me to take a trip to another country and it would please them if I stuck close to home. That's not happening but I will tell them that I am going and what I am planning to do there so they don't worry too much).

I wouldn't marry someone who wanted to say who I could talk to, and when.