Asking v. Nagging - Inspired by SoMad

[mookie]

Okay, I have now read the thread, and I have to say, it's really taylored to fit me!!

I have tried teaching DH a lesson. In fact, he goes on many overnight business trips. When he comes home, he just leaves his suitcase by the front door, unless I tell him to put it upstairs. If he doesn't, I put it in the stairs, IN HIS WAY, so he has to step over it to go to bed. A few times he's actually stepped over it instead of bringing it upstairs!!!

This past week, I did a full once over of my house - laundry is all done, etc. EXCEPT, his still packed suitcase which is in our closet. If he thinks I'm unpacking for him, he can go back and live with his mother. So he came home and was all nice and impressed that everything was done, and then he saw his suitcase. He thought I FORGOT about it!!! Um, no. You are a big boy. I'm more than happy to do the laundry and put it away, but the least you can do is get it to the dang hamper!!! What's next!?!? Do I have to cut your meat for you too?!?

 

[salmoneous]

Question #1: When is it nagging? When your spouse tells you it is nagging, it is nagging.

Question #2: How do you get your husband to do stuff? Hey, if anybody had the answer to that question they would be able to write the world's most popular book. Sadly, no easy answers.

However, be clear about one thing. Nagging doesn't work. It usually makes things worse as husbands tend to be stubborn dolts.

Personally, I can tell you it the "stop doing stuff till he gets the point" thing works good on me. My DW just has to be willing to let junk pile up for a few days 'cause it can take that long for the clue to set in.

 

[Planogirl]

Why do they so often refuse to do their part? To me, picking up their clothes and handling account type things that have their names on them, is their part.

It frustrates me to keep reminding DH that he needs to do certain things but part of my problem is that he does forget and I can't always tell when he's forgotten the chore or when he just doesn't feel like doing it. It can be awfully frustrating!

 

[Wishing on a star]

I am with the OP!!!!

Okay, sure I'll admit that there are nagging wives...

But, when a husband is a downright lazy, disrespectful, immature, jerk, who refuses to even listen to the simplest requests...

I am sorry, but if the DH doesn't feel that that he can and should do something, then, please provide an answer for goodness sakes!!! To ignore and then try to turn it around and blame the problems on 'nagging'... that is nothing but passive aggression pure and simple.

I think it is a grave mistake to insinuate that it is the wifes fault, and she should be some kind of mother/maid/psychologist/etc in order manage her husbands inability to deal with everyday life. Ummmm, yeah right.

LaLa.... I LOVED the email about the classes for the men!!!!


PS: My husband has much improved!!!! so the above comments do not apply to our marriage. But, I think it does apply to many others.

 

[RadioFanatic]

Why do they so often refuse to do their part? To me, picking up their clothes and handling account type things that have their names on them, is their part.

It frustrates me to keep reminding DH that he needs to do certain things but part of my problem is that he does forget and I can't always tell when he's forgotten the chore or when he just doesn't feel like doing it. It can be awfully frustrating!

THANK YOU PLANOGIRL!!!! I totally agree with you. Why do I have to keep doing it - why do I have to teach a lesson and have a messy house "just so he learns" - why doesn't it make him feel bad that I'm doing everything? It really hurts my feelings.

I do blame his mother - and I have told her that to her face. She waited on him hand and foot as a kid and it really shows. Anyone else with MIL's like that?

 

[poohandwendy]

But, when a husband is a downright lazy, disrespectful, immature, jerk, who refuses to even listen to the simplest requests...

So why stay married if you feel that way? If my DH felt that way about me, I would not want to be in the same room with him. (I mean 'you' in the general sense)

 

[mookie]

So why stay married if you feel that way? If my DH felt that way about me, I would not want to be in the same room with him. (I mean 'you' in the general sense)

I know I'll get flamed for over generalizing here, but I don't think the grass would be greener. I think it's a trait that ALL or (at least) MOST men seem to have. Either that, or it would be just the male/female role mentality. I know when I started staying home w/ our DD, DH said that handling our house was my new job - that meant, everything that had to do with the house, I (within reason) took care of. I have no problem doing that. BUT, I will not then have a grown adult regress to child like behavior because someone will always be there to pick up the pieces. Like I said, I'm more than happy to do your laundry for you, but it's got to get to the basket!!!

Editing to add: I don't think it's that anyone here HATES their DH's, or are so miserable that they feel like the marriage should be terminated because they don't pick up their clothes, or because one nags more than the other, but I do think a little comprimise and doing your share isn't too much to ask...and when it doesn't get done, it makes a wife question the DH as to why they feel that they don't have to do any "adult" chores at home. If the wife slacked on the chores, or didn't pay the bills on time, I bet the DH woud start to ask why the house was such a dump and why they were sitting in the dark freezing!!

 

[mickeyboat]

I do blame his mother - and I have told her that to her face. She waited on him hand and foot as a kid and it really shows. Anyone else with MIL's like that?

Before she died, my MIL admitted this to me and apologized for it. All you mothers of boys, don't let this be your son!

Denae

 

[poohandwendy]

I know I'll get flamed for over generalizing here, but I don't think the grass would be greener. I think it's a trait that ALL or (at least) MOST men seem to have.

You really think most men are "downright lazy, disrespectful, immature, jerk, who refuses to even listen to the simplest requests..."?

Sorry, I cannot agree with that at all. I think it can be argued that most men might have different priorities, but that does not mean they have major character flaws like the ones mentioned (that I was replying to).

 

[mookie]

Before she died, my MIL admitted this to me and apologized for it. All you mothers of boys, don't let this be your son!

Denae

Try having your DH say to you "But, my mommy would have done that for me."

I know he's joking, but he's lucky I wasn't holding anything that I could have thrown at him.

Okay, sorry. I really do love my DH, and I honestly am not a DH basher, but yes, there are some things that get a bit under my skin, and this post hit home because I realize I'm not the only one. And I am feeling a bit over-pregnant today.

 

[Michie]

You really think most men are "downright lazy, disrespectful, immature, jerk, who refuses to even listen to the simplest requests..."?

Sorry, I cannot agree with that at all. I think it can be argued that most men might have different priorities, but that does not mean they have major character flaws like the ones mentioned (that I was replying to).

I agree with poohandwendy. I know women who are lazy It isnt a gender thing. My husbands and sons pick up after themselves without being told.

 

[mookie]

You really think most men are "downright lazy, disrespectful, immature, jerk, who refuses to even listen to the simplest requests..."?

Sorry, I cannot agree with that at all. I think it can be argued that most men might have different priorities, but that does not mean they have major character flaws like the ones mentioned (that I was replying to).

You are probably right, and I do agree with you. I think what I was trying to say was that sometimes the situations that DH get themselves into because of their "major character flaws" cause us wives to feel like they are "downright lazy, disrespectful, immature, jerk, who refuses to even listen to the simplest requests." Because it happens so often that it just builds up and eventually that's what comes out after so many times of picking up dirty boxers off of the bathroom floor.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I am not making any apologies here.
I said what I meant, and I meant what I said.

Any man who cannot pick up dirty socks and underwear, and blatantly and completely ignores his wifes efforts.... who can't even bother to answer her, until she brings it up for the umpteenth time... and, then, when she shows frustration, he can only grunt "Quit nagging".

Yep, to me, that person could be described as "downright lazy, disrespectful, immature, jerk, who refuses to even listen to the simplest requests..."

And yet, it is the wifes 'duty' and 'responsibility' to train him. Ultimately, she is the one who is at fault for his behavior 'cause she needs to train him'.

In the words of John Stossel... Give me a break!

LOL!!!!!

 

[rt2dz]

THANK YOU PLANOGIRL!!!! I totally agree with you. Why do I have to keep doing it - why do I have to teach a lesson and have a messy house "just so he learns" - why doesn't it make him feel bad that I'm doing everything? It really hurts my feelings.

I do blame his mother - and I have told her that to her face. She waited on him hand and foot as a kid and it really shows. Anyone else with MIL's like that?

Oh, I blame MIL big time for all DHs flaws. Well, the ones that I really have a hard time dealing with. You know what she says, "well, boys don't really have to learn those things". Those things are cleaning up after themselves (clothes in dirty laundry, covering food before putting the fridge). She thinks that's for girls to learn. I don't know how DH learned to cook. She also makes comments that she never wanted to come home from work and be mean. Yeah, that's why his brothers can't keep a relationship, job, pay their own bills, etc. If DH hadn't gotten a sports scholarship, he would have been the same way. Those college coaches straightened him out.

OK, I'm off my in-law rant. I could go on for hours on that. It's not that I hate my in-laws, I just don't like them.

 

[Michie]

I am not making any apologies here.
I said what I meant, and I meant what I said.

Any man who cannot pick up dirty socks and underwear, and blatantly and completely ignores his wifes efforts.... who can't even bother to answer her, until she brings it up for the umpteenth time... and, then, when she shows frustration, he can only grunt "Quit nagging".

Yep, to me, that person could be described as "downright lazy, disrespectful, immature, jerk, who refuses to even listen to the simplest requests..."

And yet, it is the wifes 'duty' and 'responsibility' to train him. Ultimately, she is the one who is at fault for his behavior 'cause she needs to train him'.

In the words of John Stossel... Give me a break!

LOL!!!!!

I agree with you! To not pick up after yourself is just lazy and disrespectful to the rest of the household! But I also know just as many men as women who complain about having spouses who are lazy slobs.

 

[LaLa]

Well, I said I would report back on my experiment, but I decided to go in from a different angle.

DH and I were both off today and once the kids were at school, we actually had a conversation for a change. I just flat out explained to him how women and men are different and how something that he thinks nothing about can be really important to me and I understood that it was vice versa as well. I asked him to name one thing that I do that really gets under his skin. His big thing is we just leased a new van and have a mile limit. He wants me to drive his truck now and then so we can "save up" our mileage for when we want to take long trips, like to DW. I absolutely hate driving his truck. It's too long and I just don't like backing it out of parking spaces. I have to admit that when he has asked me in the past, I zone out and kind of ignore him and then just drive the van anyway once he has left for work.

Long story short, I agreed to drive the truck one week out of each month. He was pretty happy and then ASKED what he did that made me want to scream. Could this be any easier?
I immediately said THE LAUNDRY. You never listen to me when I ask for help. I can't do it all. It's killing me. So he says, "Well, how about we finish up the loads that we have now today...I'll sort and wash/dry, you can do the fold ups and put them away and I will do the "hang-ups", then every other night, we will rotate. You do a load from start to finish, and then the next night I will do a load from start to finish."

That's a compromise I can live with.

So tonight after everything is said and done, he says with all sincerity, "I'm serious. Remind me about the clothes tommorrow night and I promise I will do them. I mean it."



All I can say is I hope it lasts.