Asking adult child to pay towards household expenses

[MICKIMINI]

My wife has been making a lot of chocolate chip muffins and cookies in the nearly two weeks she our daughter moved back in with us. She actually took me to Costco yesterday, I had never been. I must confess I bought a 5 pound container of potato salad. Store bought potato salad always looks sooo good, and usually disappoints. My mom's potato salad recipe is much better.

Try mixing mayo, mustard, white sugar, salt, pepper, celery seed, chopped celery and chopped eggs together and then mix with your store bought potato salad. Hopefully you might revive it! It won't taste like mom's but 5 pounds is too much to throw away!

 

[tvguy]

Try mixing mayo, mustard, white sugar, salt, pepper, celery seed, chopped celery and chopped eggs together and then mix with your store bought potato salad. Hopefully you might revive it! It won't taste like mom's but 5 pounds is too much to throw away!

24 hours later, it is mostly gone. 3 of us in the house. My mom's recipe talks about how important it is to go light on the mustard. She also used sweet pickle juice.

 

[SirDuff]

Not all people want to own a home.

Yup. Admittedly, my situation is probably not that common but due to my work, I've lived in four countries on three continents with the last nine years (though one of those countries is "home"). Would be very difficult to be so mobile if I bought a home.

 

[Polychrome]

It is a she. Maybe someone figured that out from previous posts. She has been out of school and working for 3 years. Makes a little over 70k. Her accounts are still linked to mine. She has 15k between checking, savings, and a mm account. Her cc bills are 2-3k a month and she doesn’t have any bills that I am aware of. She has some friends and a boyfriend that work minimum wage jobs. She says they pay their way but I don’t believe it and she gets defensive. I don’t want to say to her that I know she’s pissing the money away because she gets mad. My husband and I are worried she will marry this guy who still lives at home and can’t keep a job. In the meantime I feel like I’m actually the one subsidizing these other grown adults. This has been going on since she turned 18 and started working so I don’t see how I’m going to change it. It’s good to hear from people not close to the situation. I know we all give a lot for our kids. I’m tired of giving a lot for other peoples kids. Maybe if I made her pay she would have less to spend on them. This situation sucks. I don’t know that having the “your friends are your friends because you pay for their good time” will help anymore now than it did in the past. Thanks for listening.

My brother graduated from college, that my dad paid for, and moved back home, rent free. My dad let my brother use his credit card to take friends & a friend's family out for meals, paid for everything and even put money towards my brother's annual taxes and his retirement account. My dad had a credit card that earned cash back and even went so far as to put the cash back into my brother's account!! So my brother 'earned' money in his account by spending my dad's money !! My brother had never even paid for his own gas for his car until he was 50 years old. My brother only started paying his own bills because my dad got seriously ill and admitted into the hospital and I told my brother to stop using the credit card until my dad was 'with it' enough again to authorize it. Well, my dad was ill enough that he was in and out of the hospital and rehab for 3 months and then moved into my home and could only read at a 3rd grade level for a man that had two Master's degrees. That was over 6 years ago and my dad's delirium has resolved and he is actually healthier than before in many ways. Of note, when I went to pay my dad's real estate taxes while he was in the hospital, the money in his checking account was about 1/2 - 2/3 of what the average monthly credit card bill had been. Apparently my dad would just take extra money out of his retirement account to cover any shortages. My brother treated his friend & her family to restaurant meals at least weekly for like 25 years. Basically, my dad went through a huge chunk of his retirement monies supporting my brother's friend's family including purchases of dog food at the pet store for their dog !

My brother was in for a rude awakening when he was cut off. He still lived in the house rent free for about 7 months ( including cable, heat, etc), but he was suddenly responsible for paying for his own car insurance, own food, having to find an accountant, etc. He moved out of the house when we went to sell it and at least monthly for the past 6 years he talks to my dad about how he has to budget things and worries about his rent being raised.

My dad did my brother NO favors and neither one of them listened to me when I spoke up about it years and years ago. Now, both my brother and my father realize it was a mistake and that they fell into a habit over time. My brother had a job all that time and could have at least paid for his own clothes, gas, taxes, etc. No, my brother didn't do anything to help / be of assistance to our father that would have made it more reasonable to garner at least some of the financial handouts. He didn't even keep him company really, as he worked overnight shift, so saw my dad when he got up for dinner that my dad cooked. My brother spent most of his time off with his friends, including trips to Disney.

Break the cycle now, while your daughter is still on the young side. If you feel badly about it at all, you can put some of the funds away for her and give it to her a few years down the line if she gets into a bind or needs help with a down payment on a house or car. Or you explain you would like her to pay rent, but some of the rent will go straight into her ROTH or IRA and the rest will go to you & your husband.

If you have concerns about the boyfriend, I would open separate banking accounts that he would not inadvertently be able to access. It is kinda nice to be able to see what your daughter's accounts show and would be interesting to see if / how her spending habits change if she has to pay rent. Your daughter, if she is supporting her boyfriend or friends at all, my look at things differently once her budget is tighter.

My post was longer than it should have been, but it feels good to vent a little and will hopefully be helpful for you. Decades of trying to get my dad to open his eyes and and see he was hurting both his own financial security and my brother's ability to learn to fend for himself, drove me crazy. My dad just thought he was being nice.

 

[goofyernmost]

Never used pepper. Most potato salad has too much mustard in it, not enough onion or egg, and of course it HAS to be made with mayo, not miracle whip.

Exactly, I usually buy store macaroni or potato salad strictly for the base ingrediencies. I add to it with eggs, onions an since it is usually light on the miracle whip I just add in real mayo and it works fine for me. That gives me more volume and less prep time.

 

[robinb]

Exactly, I usually buy store macaroni or potato salad strictly for the base ingrediencies. I add to it with eggs, onions an since it is usually light on the miracle whip I just add in real mayo and it works fine for me. That gives me more volume and less prep time.

This is OT, but I've never considered buying store-bought potato salad and doctoring it up. Thanks @MICKIMINI and you for the suggestion.

 

[kymom99]

This is OT, but I've never considered buying store-bought potato salad and doctoring it up. Thanks @MICKIMINI and you for the suggestion.

My husband likes aldis potato salad.

 

[robinb]

My post was longer than it should have been, but it feels good to vent a little and will hopefully be helpful for you. Decades of trying to get my dad to open his eyes and and see he was hurting both his own financial security and my brother's ability to learn to fend for himself, drove me crazy. My dad just thought he was being nice.

I have a similar story of my sister.

My sister was a lot like your brother. My mother was a giver (money/things = love) and my sister was a taker. One of the other problems was that my mom pretended like she had a ton of money. I guess that's why my sister thought it was OK to spend it.

Long story short, neither my sister nor her husband ever learned to "adult" primarily because of the "safety net" aka gravy train my mother provided. Unfortunately, it didn't just effect them but also their 3 kids who were exposed to trauma from not having grown-up parents.

 

[Imzadi]

Wow, this thread keeps going. Haven't read the whole thing, sorry.

I'll just add this:

​

My husband and I are worried she will marry this guy who still lives at home and can’t keep a job.

When I was 27 and dating, and I found out a guy still lives at home and not paying rent or expenses, I steered clear of them. Didn't matter if they had a job. ​

​

If you want your daughter to find a better guy to marry, you can't hold the guy to higher standards than you have for your own daughter. If SHE is not contributing to living expenses, she's not going to end up with a guy who is fully self-sufficient. A self-sufficient guy may be more choosy. He may be concerned he may end up paying for her living expenses when they live together and she won't pull her own weight there. And the money she does bring in may be excessively spent in the wrong ways.​

​

 

[indimom]

We have two "kids" in their 20s, we still help them here and there.

DD went straight into college; and, just finished grad school. She had partial scholarships for undergrad; and, we split the remaining cost (she took out loans for her half - about $6,000/year). She went to grad school (covered by a stipend that just covered her rent/expenses) and she started paying on her undergrad loans at that point. We still provided her cell phone and occasionally would help out with a car repair or other unexpected expense - basically acting as an emergency fund.

About a year ago, her car caught fire and burned. Her savings had gotten so low and her budget was so tight that DH & I gave her our spare car to drive. The car is still in our name, still insured by us.

She just finished school this spring and found a job in another city. She'll be bringing home double what she managed to live on in grad school and the cost of living isn't much different; so, she can pay her own way. But, we told her to keep our car for at least a year to give her time to save for a down payment. She is aware that this is a limited time offer.

DS went into the military, followed by a couple years truck driving and living on his own; He is now considering going to college on the gi bill. The only thing we have helped with over the last 6 years is keeping him on our phone plan. If he goes to college, I will put him back on my health insurance (he's currently 24). He has NO intention of coming home to go to school even though that would be cheaper. We would have let him live here rent free if he would agree to it. We will gladly help him through school just like we did for his sister.

I'm fine with helping our kids during these young adult years. But, I do expect them to use that opportunity to improve their circumstances, not fritter away the chance to get a head start in life. If that started happening, we would have to put our foot down and stop the gravy train.

 

[abbyandangel]

My brother graduated from college, that my dad paid for, and moved back home, rent free. My dad let my brother use his credit card to take friends & a friend's family out for meals, paid for everything and even put money towards my brother's annual taxes and his retirement account. My dad had a credit card that earned cash back and even went so far as to put the cash back into my brother's account!! So my brother 'earned' money in his account by spending my dad's money !! My brother had never even paid for his own gas for his car until he was 50 years old. My brother only started paying his own bills because my dad got seriously ill and admitted into the hospital and I told my brother to stop using the credit card until my dad was 'with it' enough again to authorize it. Well, my dad was ill enough that he was in and out of the hospital and rehab for 3 months and then moved into my home and could only read at a 3rd grade level for a man that had two Master's degrees. That was over 6 years ago and my dad's delirium has resolved and he is actually healthier than before in many ways. Of note, when I went to pay my dad's real estate taxes while he was in the hospital, the money in his checking account was about 1/2 - 2/3 of what the average monthly credit card bill had been. Apparently my dad would just take extra money out of his retirement account to cover any shortages. My brother treated his friend & her family to restaurant meals at least weekly for like 25 years. Basically, my dad went through a huge chunk of his retirement monies supporting my brother's friend's family including purchases of dog food at the pet store for their dog !

My brother was in for a rude awakening when he was cut off. He still lived in the house rent free for about 7 months ( including cable, heat, etc), but he was suddenly responsible for paying for his own car insurance, own food, having to find an accountant, etc. He moved out of the house when we went to sell it and at least monthly for the past 6 years he talks to my dad about how he has to budget things and worries about his rent being raised.

My dad did my brother NO favors and neither one of them listened to me when I spoke up about it years and years ago. Now, both my brother and my father realize it was a mistake and that they fell into a habit over time. My brother had a job all that time and could have at least paid for his own clothes, gas, taxes, etc. No, my brother didn't do anything to help / be of assistance to our father that would have made it more reasonable to garner at least some of the financial handouts. He didn't even keep him company really, as he worked overnight shift, so saw my dad when he got up for dinner that my dad cooked. My brother spent most of his time off with his friends, including trips to Disney.

Break the cycle now, while your daughter is still on the young side. If you feel badly about it at all, you can put some of the funds away for her and give it to her a few years down the line if she gets into a bind or needs help with a down payment on a house or car. Or you explain you would like her to pay rent, but some of the rent will go straight into her ROTH or IRA and the rest will go to you & your husband.

If you have concerns about the boyfriend, I would open separate banking accounts that he would not inadvertently be able to access. It is kinda nice to be able to see what your daughter's accounts show and would be interesting to see if / how her spending habits change if she has to pay rent. Your daughter, if she is supporting her boyfriend or friends at all, my look at things differently once her budget is tighter.

My post was longer than it should have been, but it feels good to vent a little and will hopefully be helpful for you. Decades of trying to get my dad to open his eyes and and see he was hurting both his own financial security and my brother's ability to learn to fend for himself, drove me crazy. My dad just thought he was being nice.

Your story is not that different from my own. I started busing tables at 12 and have worked ever since. My parents paid my brother’s bills even after he was married. They both passed in the last couple years and left him the house and what little money they had. He took them for everything but they couldn’t see it. In one of the last conversations I with my dad, he informed me that by the time I was a teenager I never needed anything from them. I have not talked to my brother since my dad passed. For all I know, he already lost the house. The only money that was coming in was my parents social security.

 

[Pink Partridge]

Your story is not that different from my own. I started busing tables at 12 and have worked ever since. My parents paid my brother’s bills even after he was married. They both passed in the last couple years and left him the house and what little money they had. He took them for everything but they couldn’t see it. In one of the last conversations I with my dad, he informed me that by the time I was a teenager I never needed anything from them. I have not talked to my brother since my dad passed. For all I know, he already lost the house. The only money that was coming in was my parents social security.

This happens more than you would think. The loser children are usually catered to their entire lives. And the go-getters get nothing. It's quite hurtful to watch parents favor one child.

 

[PollyannaMom]

This happens more than you would think. The loser children are usually catered to their entire lives...

I think the parents probably blame themselves for doing something "wrong" in how they raised the child (even if that's not the reason) and figure it's too late to go back and fix it.

 

[robinb]

I think the parents probably blame themselves for doing something "wrong" in how they raised the child (even if that's not the reason) and figure it's too late to go back and fix it.

No, I think it's more that the parents think that the "loser" children need their help while the successful children are self sufficient. The more help the losers get, the more they ask for and the narrative that they are "needier" is reinforced.

 

[tinkerbellandpeterpan]

No, I think it's more that the parents think that the "loser" children need their help while the successful children are self sufficient. The more help the losers get, the more they ask for and the narrative that they are "needier" is reinforced.

I'm the "loser" child at this moment in time which is sort of ironically funny given the backstory, but we find ourselves where we are. First troubles when I got separated/divorced and second when I lost my job during covid. I kept track of what my aunt (she had no children) gave me right I after I got separated and needed help with rent and gave that right back to my brother off the top when she passed away. I'm very aware of what my parents are doing for me and am very grateful and will balance that out for my brother. He doesn't deserve less. I just need a little help now and he doesn't, but I will make sure that's accounted for. My mom did help him for 3 years with free child care which I don't count because my mom loved it and that's her time, her decision. Cash is cash though and I will make sure it equalizes out.

ETA: We aren't all deadbeats. I work full time as does my husband. It's a tough situation but I am well aware that my parents are my emergency fund and I feel awful about it.

 

[indimom]

I'm the "loser" child at this moment in time which is sort of ironically funny given the backstory, but we find ourselves where we are. First troubles when I got separated/divorced and second when I lost my job during covid. I kept track of what my aunt (she had no children) gave me right I after I got separated and needed help with rent and gave that right back to my brother off the top when she passed away. I'm very aware of what my parents are doing for me and am very grateful and will balance that out for my brother. He doesn't deserve less. I just need a little help now and he doesn't, but I will make sure that's accounted for. My mom did help him for 3 years with free child care which I don't count because my mom loved it and that's her time, her decision. Cash is cash though and I will make sure it equalizes out.

ETA: We aren't all deadbeats. I work full time as does my husband. It's a tough situation but I am well aware that my parents are my emergency fund and I feel awful about it.

I posted earlier; and, it was not specifically stated, but clear in the post if you read between the lines. We've certainly helped one of our children more than the other. At least up to this point. They are still young; and, you never know when the tables could turn.

I'm one of 4 sisters. Our parents helped us all out at different times, in different ways, when we were young and getting established. But, we had different needs; and, that's what being a family is about IMO. Some of us were helped with money, some with time/physical assistance.

One of my sisters sounds like you. She has always hated the fact that she needed more direct monetary help than the rest of us. Now that she's in a much better financial place, I can tell she's trying to "pay back" that blessing. But, none of us cared in the least, she wasn't abusing our parents' generosity.

There is a big difference between accepting some help and expecting a lifetime of handouts.

 

[CAPSLOCK]

There is a big difference between accepting some help and expecting a lifetime of handouts.

And there's a difference in how/whether it is repaid (not always just monetarily).