Asking a bridesmaid to bow out?? -- 6/27th Updated / Resolved

[DVCGirl49]

Due to privacy concerns I have removed the contents of my planning journal & associated threads.

We did hold our wedding at WDW in Feb 2008. Our venues were: Living Seas Salons, the Wedding Pavilion, and the American Adventure Rotunda. Please PM me if you have questions regarding planning an event with these locations.

Thank you,
DVCGirl49

 

[pooh98378]

This is a really, really hard situation. I think if you are sure you don't want her in the wedding, I would approach it this way: I would tell her that I know she is concerned about having her finals during the wedding and about the money and that maybe it would be easier for her to just go ahead and not worry about being a bridesmaid. I would also mention something about how you need to go asap to order the dresses and can't wait any longer (mention the word deadline).

 

[FinallyBoughtDVC]

I wouldn't bring up all the "hearsay" you "hearsayed"...that will only lead to hurt feelings with DF's friend...I have a feeling they may not remain your friends or they may not remain married to each other if she just singlehandedly undermines her dh's friendships like this. I went down this road with a sil (now exsil).

I would, however, call her and very simply state that since she keeps delaying sending you her measurements (and I'm sure the dollars would take much longer, if ever, to come), it seems that she may wish to back out and that is fine with you, and that you wish to go ahead and order the girls' dresses and move on. If she agrees, then you're off the hook.

If she says, "No, no, I really want to be a bridesmaid..." I would cut her off and say, "I'm sorry, I can't have you completely disregarding important deadlines like ordering the dresses and I can't take a chance that something else will happen closer to our weddding. I know your plate is full with school and other commitments, and perhaps I should have taken that into consideration when I asked you to be in my wedding. I think it's best that we relieve you of the responsibility so that we don't have any hurt feelings in the future. I'm sure you'll much more enjoy being a guest and not a part of the wedding party." Period.

What does your DF suggest you do? Has he talked to his friend about all the hurtful (she sounds like quite the beyotch) things his wife has said? Personally, I sense jealousy - sometimes women get like that. If they're not the center of attention, they just do all kinds of awful things to take the attention away from where it should be.

Good luck - keep us informed!

 

[djblu883]

i'd give her one more day then tell her that because of her behavior(not responding timely) you were forced to exclude her from the wedding party.....orrrrr let groom speak to his groomsman and discuss his wife's behavior and your situation....leaving out the fact NO ONE wants her there of course lol

 

[Tabetha]

That's a tricky situation.

I think it's a tough thing to "fire" a bridesmaid gracefully. I would suggest calling her on the phone, to follow up on the measurements because you "have to put in the order tomorrow (or the next day)".

If she still hasn't gotten the measurements done, you can give her an out.
"Oh Friend, I really don't want to cause you any stress. I know you are busy with school and whatnot, and it is so special to me that you want to be a part of our wedding, but if you're feeling stressed, or if you don't have time, PLEASE let me know. I value your friendship and support. There will be absolutely no hard feelings if you decide you can't be a bridesmaid, just let me know what you want to do."

Something like that.

 

[BubMunkeyBles]

If you read up on etiquette, its a HUGE no, no. I wouldn't do it. Just try to ignore her, and if you want to confront her about the hearsay do so. But firing a bridesmaid is going to cause a lot more drama than its worth in my opinion. If she bows out, thats another issue, but I don't think its right to fire her. Just my opinion though.

 

[Lynn5700]

Ok sorry but are you friends with this girl? She does not seem like a good friend if she is bad mouthing everything and anything. I am so annoyed that she is giving you a hard time and I don't even know the girl lol.

I am sorry but I just don't feel bad for people who say they will be in your wedding knowing what comes along with it. It seems like she does not care and want to be in the wedding so if I was you I would not feel bad at all, you don't need this added stress when planning a wedding is stressful enough.

Did you ask her to be in the wedding just because her bf is friends with your fi and is in the wedding.

Ask her if she really wants to be in the wedding but nicely explain to her that if she does want to be in this wedding that there are deadlines with things. Things need to be done on your time not hers. When I made appointments to look at dresses with the girls I made sure that it was way in advance and picked a day that worked for everybody. I can understand that life is very busy but it takes like ten minutes to get measured,I am sure she could find time somewhere.

 

[Laxmom]

Etiquette or not it is YOUR wedding and she is already making it about her. I would tell her that you had to send in the measurements and deposits or risk not getting the gowns in time. And without a dress, well....maybe there is something else she can do like guest book. If her being a part of your day is causing you this much stress this far out, you do what you feel in your heart is the right thing for you and your DF. She sounds like she is unreliable and unpredictable. (kind words for spoiled brat!!) Bad combination when you are looking at your wedding party. You have already overlooked alot. Good Luck!

 

[myprincessgirlisa]

IMO at this rate shes gonna coninue to make you & your BMs miserable & you dont want or need that.
Id have a private lunch with her & have a "talk"...maybe ask her flat out, how do you feel about being in my wedding...do you have any concerns? I really dont want anyone to feel obligated to be a BM

im sure you can feel her out in casual conversation. maybe even sneak it in by saying something like...."my aunt is really upset we are having it in WDW & not in NY & she mad she has to fly down there & spend all this money & miss work"...see how she answers...could be interesting giving her an example of her own concerns & what she says

Dont let her be a Bridesmaidilla....nip this in the bud...she'll get over it

I dont think you should have to walk on eggshells around her cause shes df's best freinds wife....maybe if she knows you mean business, she'll straighten out..who knows....i just think that its not right that a bride would EVER have to just put up with that kind of bad attitude.....your either in or out...theres no inbetween

sorry if i offend anyone...its not meant to...i just hate misery & negativity

GL

 

[Laxmom]

sorry if i offend anyone...its not meant to...i just hate misery & negativity

I agree 100%. This story is like high school all over again. Been there, done that...now grow up. This is supposed to be such a special time. Stressful sometimes but special. Even the stresses that come up can be handled and you move on. They don't get continuously worse. No bride should have to put up with this and it sounds like the other bridesmaids aren't happy with her either.

 

[DVCGirl49]

Thank you to everyone for all your advice and suggestions. I was so worried that I was overreacting and not sure what to do!

DF is going to discuss the situation with his friend first and see what he has to say about it. If after that, it seems that nothing's changed, then I think that I'll need to have a chit chat with her and employ some of the other great suggestions you all offered. I'll let you all know what happens.

 

[AbbyPan]

Sorry for butting in late! but I have agree w/ Cori on this one.

IMO, you have the best excuse ever. You have a destination wedding and that will require extra responsibility, so if she's swamped now, you really don't want to add to that. Tell her that you really just want to give her the chance to think it over - because you honestly want her to enjoy the wedding, stress free.

If she thinks your trying to get rid of her then just be honest. Tell her: Look, I'll be honest w/ you. I feel like the other BM's have been much more supportive, perhaps becuase they can afford the time. So, if I see that this is becoming a burden for you, why would I not try to give you the chance to think it over? As a friend, I think that I should consider your feelings and be fair. Let me know how you feel about it tomorrow. (Make yourself look like the most thoughtful person in the world)

From experience, I find that speaking face to face about the issue directly w/ the person is best. It resolves the issue and like Cori said, it nips it in the bud. And that's how you want it to be so you can avoid misunderstandings and unecessary stress during this "happy" time.

 

[theantibride]

Ok, there is a reason why it's considerred bad etiquette to dump a bridesmaid and that is you already invited her. Resorting to acknowledging her bad behavior and uninviting her makes you look just as bad as she is. And then you run the risk of her doing even more badmouthing. You wouldn't have a dinner party, invite guests, and then say to one "look, since you said you can't do anything more than bring a store-bought dessert we have to uninvite you." You can though have a big talk with her. Don't mention anything you've heard -- stick to the dress thing. Just sit her down and say "I know you have been very busy but I need those measurements and the money for your dress NOW. It is past due and it canNOT wait any longer." Then if she starts going on about everything you can ask "Is this too big of a commitment for you right now? If you would rather not be a bridesmaid please say so because I'd rather have you as a relaxed guest than a stressed out attendant." That gives her the out. If she doesn't take it then you are stuck with her. However, if her bad behavior continues, then you can have your mum talk to her. My mum has a mother of the bride book and in it is a whole section on how to reign in problematic bridesmaids. A lot of times they are just trying to steal your spotlight and getting under your skin just encourages their bad behavior. But if you delegate the task of keeping her in line to your mother you're sending the message "I'm not going to deal with this nonsense anymore. I have more important things to do" and just go about your business and pay her no more heed than necessary.

 

[BubMunkeyBles]

Ok, there is a reason why it's considerred bad etiquette to dump a bridesmaid and that is you already invited her. Resorting to acknowledging her bad behavior and uninviting her makes you look just as bad as she is. And then you run the risk of her doing even more badmouthing. You wouldn't have a dinner party, invite guests, and then say to one "look, since you said you can't do anything more than bring a store-bought dessert we have to uninvite you." You can though have a big talk with her. Don't mention anything you've heard -- stick to the dress thing. Just sit her down and say "I know you have been very busy but I need those measurements and the money for your dress NOW. It is past due and it canNOT wait any longer." Then if she starts going on about everything you can ask "Is this too big of a commitment for you right now? If you would rather not be a bridesmaid please say so because I'd rather have you as a relaxed guest than a stressed out attendant." That gives her the out. If she doesn't take it then you are stuck with her. However, if her bad behavior continues, then you can have your mum talk to her. My mum has a mother of the bride book and in it is a whole section on how to reign in problematic bridesmaids. A lot of times they are just trying to steal your spotlight and getting under your skin just encourages their bad behavior. But if you delegate the task of keeping her in line to your mother you're sending the message "I'm not going to deal with this nonsense anymore. I have more important things to do" and just go about your business and pay her no more heed than necessary.

What she said... I was just gonna shut my mouth... But I agree.

 

[GBShorts]

I would tend to agree with the last couple posts. In this situation, I would ASK her if she doesn't want to be a part of the wedding anymore. If she denies it and says she does, then work through what you hear is going on. Ask her for her measurements or offer to go with her. Ask her if everything is okay with the shower planning, maybe say you heard they were having trouble.

You never have to specifically mention the complaints she has, but perhaps if you bring up that particular point then she'll open up and get everything aired out.

When I got married, my bridesmaids had their dresses for a long time (I was engaged before, still liked the dresses, didn't want them to buy another). It got to be 3-4 months before my wedding, when I get a phone call from my my maid of honor telling me her dress doesn't fit anymore!!!! This is a dress that, I kid you not, she had had for probably 5 years. She waited until the last possible minute to tell me. We tried having it let out as much as possible but it just wasn't working. In the end, we had to order a second dress, express shipped which was 11 weeks... I think at the time it was like 14 weeks until my wedding! So, in addition to the dress being over 250 dollars, there was an additional 100 something dollars for the express ship and 100 for it being a plus size (which is fine, she can't help the size she is). I was just appalled that she would wait that long to tell me her dress didn't still fit...but we got everything worked out and we pitched in some to help pay for her dress, all in the name of harmony.

The pain of he said/she said (Or in this case she said/she said?) can poison your wedding and otherwise happy day...I think you'll feel much better if you talk with her and find out what she's REALLY saying instead of what everybody says she's saying...and if it IS what she's really saying, chances are if you ask her, she'll want to bow out.

I really do feel for you in this situation. It's got to be tough!! Let us know how everything goes; I'll be thinking good thoughts!

 

[AbbyPan]

I agree that its bad etiquette to uninvite someone. However, it is extremely bad etiquette to accept an invitation (which we are all aware that being a BM involves responsibilities), then give drama and bad mouth the host.

For this reason, I think you should absolutely give her the opportunity to reconsider. I think theantibride gave a great suggestion on how to approach that. And you should do it directly- not through anyone else.

Remind her that the invitation is still there, you just want to be sensitive to her needs w/out compromising your relationship or your wedding arrangements.

If she insists on being part of the bridal party, then express how grateful you are that she has chosen to be part of your day and then try your very best to ignore her rants going forward. Either way, you're getting married @ Disney so the wedding is sure to be hit!

 

[LuluLovesDisney]

I wouldn't completely fire her, even if you want to (which I understand!) and I agree with a PP that you shouldn't bring up hearsay, however it's at the point where you need to say something.

1. Tell your bridesmaids to be strict with her and upfront if there are any more issues between them.

2. The dress is a major issue. Call her and say something like "Hi, <insert Maidzilla's name>. I still have not received your measurements for the dress. I am ordering them tomorrow so I must have them by tonight if you still want to walk down the aisle."

You want to let her know that she's not upholding her end of the bargain and that if she doesn't do at least this much, she really can't walk down the aisle in her pajamas.

Sorry for the stress!

I am just curious why you asked her in the first place. Has she always been like this or is this a new development?

I wish you the best. By your day, it will all work out somehow.

 

[DVCGirl49]

I agree, I definitely am not looking to 'fire' anyone, I was just looking for some advice on what to say when one is pretty sure a BM wants out and one wants to give them the opportunity to reconsider.

Due to privacy concerns I have removed the contents of my planning journal.

We did hold our wedding at WDW in Feb 2008. Our venues were: Living Seas Salons, the Wedding Pavilion, and the American Adventure Rotunda. Please PM me if you have questions regarding planning an event with these locations.

Thank you,
DVCGirl49

 

[dmslush]

I don't envy your position. Stuff like this is one of the reasons why DF and I decided to have a escape wedding with only him, our dd and myself. We will have a reception when we get home, but we don't want to deal with the stress of other people causing us problems on our wedding day.

 

[ThunderMTexpert]

About a month and a half ago, I had to kick one of my bridesmaids out. I was VERY upset because she was one of my closest high school friends, but I feel like she is personally lost in her "life's journey," as some would say. To put it honestly, she's been a nightmare. She started out as my maid of honor, and after she let THAT go to her head, she was unreachable!! I couldn't get in touch with her for ANYTHING! Around Christmas, with the help of my mother and fiance, I decided to "demote" her maid-of-honor status, and bump her to bridesmaid, but around May, when it was time to be formally fitted for their gowns, she was no where to be found. I got in touch with her a week before the deadline to order her dress, and I told her about how it was frustrating to get a hold of her and how she NEEDED to absolutely be fitted by such and such date. It came, it went, so after that, and a few more desperate phone calls, voice mail messages, and calls made to her parents' house, JUST IN CASE, I finally texted her. Yes, TEXT MESSAGED her. I know it sounds horrible, but when you ask someone to be there for you, you don't mean just for the fun things, like bridal showers and parties. It's about the entire event, and when that person agrees to be involved in a wedding, they are basically giving you their word that they will accomodate YOU. Not in a bridezilla way, but I'm so glad that she is no longer a part of MY wedding party, because it was putting heartache on me, and A LOT of added stress on my bridesmaids that HAVE BEEN there since the beginning. It's a hard thing to do, but I totally support your decision on doing so. Period.