As adults, do we need to get permission from each other?

[Nancyg56]

Maybe he doesn't need to go fishing and camping if you don't need to go to Disney. It sounds like he's been before.

I think so as well.

Fishing doesn't cost much of anything when you don't go very far. We don't have jet skis.

So I think it is the cost of the trip that bothers him.

It sounds more like the activity is the issue, not the money.

"you don't need to go to Disney. You've been before" sounds less about "I don't know if we have the money for you to spend on a trip" and more about " I don't think that is worthy of you spending money on". There's a huge difference between the two.

This is what stands out to me as well. When you have a discussion with your DH about a trip and he feels that you cannot afford it, does he tell you that? DO you discuss a reasonable budget for travel? The statement you said he made sounds like an arbitrary decision made because the man is not enchanted with Disney. IF the destination is what needs to be approved then you have a problem. Unless I was going to some exotic singles destination DH would not think twice. Even then he probably would not blink, especially if I told him I got a bargain Goodness knows I hate full price!

I have to say that in our family I am the one who vacations way more then my DH. He never could take time from work as he was in construction. During the winter months he did not like to spend the money. He did want me to take the kids whenever I could. Now that the kids are grown we discuss my travel plans but no permission is necessary. We discuss the budget for the trip and the timing. If we can afford it and my absence will not create a problem (we have a small farm and I help DH with that) I go.

What I wonder is how you discuss your plans with your DH. I would find out when his fishing trip is, price out my vacation at the same time and then discuss my plans. I believe you need to get to the bottom of this. Is it money? Is it the destination? Do you need approval or is there enough respect in your relationship to be able to make independent decisions if both of you stay within a reasonable budget. And how do you set that budget? Again, do you have a voice or does he set the price and how is that amount determined?

I am not saying whatever your arrangement is is wrong. it would not be right for me. I worked with a lovely woman who asked me if my DH controlled our money. I told her my DH is our money manager, I stink at it. I also told her he never asked me what I do with my money. It's mine. He spends his on what he wants (usually that is me and the family ). Her DH used to give her a quarter every day for coffee. That was it. He said every family was like that. Um.....not mine. I told her that arrangement would not work for me but if it worked for her then that was fine, every faily has their own way of handlng money.

From the little you posted it seems as though you do need to get your DH permission for the trip and that he has final approval on the destination. While his fishing costs very little there is a cost involved as well as the time away from you. When folks said that if you get no trip he stays home as well it was not because fishing is cheap, it was because it seems that approval should go both ways.

 

[Nancyg56]

I admit to becoming hugely resentful. On nights I did have something (like ONCE a month bunco) he was often late getting home so I'd be late to get there. If I did have something planned like a movie with a girlfriend, and something came up for him...I had to find a sitter.

Not to completely hijack. I'm just wanting to learn how people with elementary school aged kids handle the issue.

My family is grown now but I remember when they were young.

I would say that you always hire a sitter. Do not depend on DH and let him know she gets paid whether he is home or not. He will either learn to be dependable or he will learn to pay the sitter.

 

[MoonFaerie]

When we had kids that age we discussed it. We realized it was OK to do things without the rest of the family. We just had to clear it with the other in case they were thinking of other plans. It's a matter of respect and maturity. We've been married 23+ years.

We've only been married 11, but that's how we handle it. We make sure we both get to do things on our own. Fortunately, my MIL also makes sure we get kid-free time together as well. She keeps them for the weekend about once a month.

 

[RadioNate]

My family is grown now but I remember when they were young.

I would say that you always hire a sitter. Do not depend on DH and let him know she gets paid whether he is home or not. He will either learn to be dependable or he will learn to pay the sitter.

I guess for me, my question was why did I always have to be the only to get the sitter. He wouldn't care about the money as long as he didn't have to deal with it.

But the point is entirely moot right now anyway seeing as he decided that he wasn't a "family man" so now he gets to do whatever he wants and the kids are 100% my responsibility.

I was just wondering what was normal with little kids because I felt it was abnormal but maybe not.

 

[hereyago]

Can I piggy back to see how people with young kids 'discuss' and balance these things out? This was interesting to me because when I was married my ex was ALWAYS doing thing. Not really asking 'permission' but little discussion either. For example, in a typical week he'd go to a game or 2 on a weeknight, maybe a 'happy hour' after work, he worked Sunday morning and would often golf afterwards. During NFL season he'd go to those games on Sunday.

Calls would often go like this...Tuesday 2 pm "hey there are extra tickets here for the NBA game tonight...XXX & I are going to go."

I admit to becoming hugely resentful. On nights I did have something (like ONCE a month bunco) he was often late getting home so I'd be late to get there. If I did have something planned like a movie with a girlfriend, and something came up for him...I had to find a sitter.

Not to completely hijack. I'm just wanting to learn how people with elementary school aged kids handle the issue.

Dang sounds like he is an ex for good reason. Then he knew you had plans and he would be late? Yea he was sabotaging your fun. When exdh and I were t8ogether and dd was really small(we only stayed together for 3 years he did bad things when he went out) I made it clear that I needed to go out of the house every so often he could as well, and I never wanted to hear he would be late if I was going out because I wouldn't put up with that and I better not him hear say yea he would babysit dd lol

 

[DISvirgin1]

Can I piggy back to see how people with young kids 'discuss' and balance these things out? This was interesting to me because when I was married my ex was ALWAYS doing thing. Not really asking 'permission' but little discussion either. For example, in a typical week he'd go to a game or 2 on a weeknight, maybe a 'happy hour' after work, he worked Sunday morning and would often golf afterwards. During NFL season he'd go to those games on Sunday.

Calls would often go like this...Tuesday 2 pm "hey there are extra tickets here for the NBA game tonight...XXX & I are going to go."

I admit to becoming hugely resentful. On nights I did have something (like ONCE a month bunco) he was often late getting home so I'd be late to get there. If I did have something planned like a movie with a girlfriend, and something came up for him...I had to find a sitter.

Not to completely hijack. I'm just wanting to learn how people with elementary school aged kids handle the issue.

That sounds like he was taking advantage and I would be annoyed with it. We have a calendar that we write out our schedules - including any girls night outs, or golf outings, etc. If someone wants to make plans, they look at that. If it's empty they can, if not, they can't (or the person who wants to do the outing knowing that the other already claimed it is responsible for finding a sitter).
That said, as the parents of two young children, our primary focus is our home and family. So it's not like our calender is filled with individual outings. And I would probably be annoyed if he was out golfing every weekend or not coming home after work to attend games/get a drink, etc.. Especially if I had something on the calendar and he was late or didn't come. Thankfully, my husband isn't selfish like that (although he has other faults )and has always encouraged me to have hobbies, friends, other interests (not that I needed it, but I gather he had a college gf whose world revolved around him and it was a bit er..intense )

 

[Nancyg56]

I guess for me, my question was why did I always have to be the only to get the sitter. He wouldn't care about the money as long as he didn't have to deal with it.

But the point is entirely moot right now anyway seeing as he decided that he wasn't a "family man" so now he gets to do whatever he wants and the kids are 100% my responsibility.

I was just wondering what was normal with little kids because I felt it was abnormal but maybe not.

I see. I figure that not a family man thing is his loss.

I don't know what is normal and not normal. I always was responsible for the kids and made arrangements that worked for me. My sister would have a fit if a man said he had to babysit for the kids. I always looked at it as a figure of speech and let it go, not a big thing in my world.

It's funny because now that they are all grown I tend to make arrangements for my DH too! THere are those who say I am a control freak............................