Argh...I really don't like my niece..

[jrmasm]

Unfortunately, it sounds like a confrontation with a 14 year old is exactly what the OP has in the back of her mind.

I'm having flashbacks from RHWofNJ and Teresa waiting in the chair 'just to say hi.'

 

[Wishing on a star]

I get to car pool them home from late pickup.

Any, why on God's green earth would you have ever even considered this, knowing that 'DN has been 'mean' to DD for years and years...'
When you are not picking up your DD, this is subjecting her to be a captive, with DN, subject to whatever she wants to dish out.
For me, heck would freeze over.

Or, are you just relishing this teen angst.

OP, you seriously need to learn to back off, or just walk away....

 

[mommytobug]

I have a DD who is 11 almost 12. Let me say that this is something that happens all the time. It saddens me but it is reality. Girls are mean. They often work things out before your frustration is gone and will question why you are upset. Please know that your child may be doing some nasty things too. I have a friendship that was hurt because of that. My friend would never see that her daughter did anything wrong and let me tell you that child could be cruel. I would and still do say that i know my DD is not perfect and she's not. She is human. I will own that and i am hope you will too. Let me tell you that your daughter is not perfect either. My DD has a huge heart, loves people and animals, wants to adopt from China, goes to church, etc and she can sometimes be a toot.

 

[mommytobug]

Are DN parents just blind to it?
Is she an only child?

Doesnt excuse the behavour, and at 14 she knows what she is doing. Could your dd go to a different camp in the future?

Angie

Why would being an only child have anything to do with it? I get so frustrated and offended when an assumption is made about only children.

 

[Darsa]

I get so frustrated and offended when an assumption is made about only children.

As do I; I'm mom to only one, she's 14, and she doesn't fit into any of these stereotypes people tend to attach to "only children".

 

[HM]

Continually talking about how nasty the DN is - calling her names - referring to her as bratty - isn't really helpful.. In some way, shape, or form, that attitude filters down to the DD and isn't really productive..

This is what came to mind when reading this thread. You seem to be perpetuating the nastiness by continually talking about how horrible she is within your family.

It's got to be obvious to the child that no one likes her. She hasn't figured out a way to "make" people like her, so get's all nasty and defensive.

I dare you to be nice to her and offer her some 'love' next time you get a chance. Find something good to say about her, to her. She needs some positive reinforcement from someone other than her mother.

 

[sturdypeasantstock]

Are DN parents just blind to it?
Is she an only child?

Doesnt excuse the behavour, and at 14 she knows what she is doing. Could your dd go to a different camp in the future?

Angie

For once and for all, whether or not she is an only child has NOTHING to do with it. You are turning this into a thread against only children for no reason whatsoever. Only children are just like children with siblings. There is no need for you and others to make prejudiced remarks.

 

[sturdypeasantstock]

Why would being an only child have anything to do with it? I get so frustrated and offended when an assumption is made about only children.

Thank you!!!

 

[Teacher03]

I'm having flashbacks from RHWofNJ and Teresa waiting in the chair 'just to say hi.'

You're so right!

 

[JoiseyMom]

Any, why on God's green earth would you have ever even considered this, knowing that 'DN has been 'mean' to DD for years and years...'
When you are not picking up your DD, this is subjecting her to be a captive, with DN, subject to whatever she wants to dish out.
For me, heck would freeze over.

Or, are you just relishing this teen angst.

OP, you seriously need to learn to back off, or just walk away....

I havne't done anythign that I need to back off from!! And I have walked away, from DN and from SIL on too many occassions to count.

DD said it was ok to carpool. I was going to say NO, DD said not to that it would be ok...

 

[JoiseyMom]

This is what came to mind when reading this thread. You seem to be perpetuating the nastiness by continually talking about how horrible she is within your family.

It's got to be obvious to the child that no one likes her. She hasn't figured out a way to "make" people like her, so get's all nasty and defensive.

I dare you to be nice to her and offer her some 'love' next time you get a chance. Find something good to say about her, to her. She needs some positive reinforcement from someone other than her mother.

Me?? WTH did I do? I have never said boo to my DN except the time at my home when she taught my DS5 the F-bomb and then tried to lie her way out of it and I wouldn't let her. I have NEVER said anything negative to me DN in anyway. I have spoken to my brother about her behavior, when he has brought her up first to my DD.

When DN was nasty to my DD at my DS's engagement party last year and walked away from her and then DN went crying to her mother that DD was ignoring myr SIL went ape poop on my DD, screaming at her. Even then I took the high road, when I wanted to plant the witch in the pool, for screaming at my DD for no good reason, at my DS's future in-laws house. I told my dd to just stay away from DN, and she did, by going into the house and helping them cook and waiting for my BFF to show up with her kids.

Believe me there are plenty of things I want to have out iwth my Sil and DN, but good manners keeps me from doing either. Which is why I have very little contact with them. They live 2 miles from me and I bump into them at school events and family events. I go to their house maybe 2 times a year. SIL hates cats, so she won't come here .

 

[scrapbookworm]

Joiseymom, I understand what you are saying. There are some kids I have known, including 1 niece, that just caused so many problems that I can hardly stand them. The niece, fortunately, has benefited from counseling. It is difficult when dealing with family b/c you can't just easily walk away from them.

A child called me numerous times on my cell phone to ask if she could come to my DD's 10th birthday party. She was not invited. I assume that she got my cell phone # from her mom's phone. She used to be in my GS troop, but she quit. She is a handful, the kind that you can't hardly trust to turn your eyes from for a second b/c who knows what she will be destroying. Someone who is just walking chaos, and can get other kids are rowdy as well. I didn't want that at the birthday party. So, I chose not to acknowledge her phone calls. I had told DD to only invite kids that she likes, that like her, and won't cause a bunch of drama. The birthday party was the best ever. All the kids got along GREAT.

But, with family, it's not that easy to just ignore the phone calls, ignore them at family gatherings, etc. They are still family, like it or not. I agree with your blessing for your DD to give it back to her. It's a danged if you do, and danged if you don't situation. Sometimes in life, you have to choose who to make mad, whose feelings get hurt. Sometimes self preservation has to come first. Why should your DD just always be taking it taking it taking it when her cousin gives her crap? Bullies aren't going to just suddenly say "You're right, I'm so sorry". I don't believe in instigating anything, but if the niece starts in, I think that you DD has the right to defend herself verbally.

Good luck!

 

[LiLIrishChick63]

i'm sorry you're going thru that OP that's not fair to your DD at all.

i have a DN as well and i don't care for her, either. she's 15 and she's got such an attitude. altho i can't fault her for all of it, her parents NEVER disciplined her and they barely pay attention to her so she acts out all the time.

 

[Mickey's Minion]

These are some of the points I was trying to get across last night, but I just couldn't get them to come out right - brain fog from the heat - LOL..

Continually talking about how nasty the DN is - calling her names - referring to her as bratty - isn't really helpful.. In some way, shape, or form, that attitude filters down to the DD and isn't really productive..

Limited exposure is the best way to go and since OP has stated that her DD knows how to stand up for herself, I really don't see the need for OP to rehash things that have already been dealt with..

If the car pooling is still an issue, OP needs to address her SIL (or brother) about it - privately - not at a family function.. Since neither of the kids are old enough to drive, this is clearly an issue for the adults to hammer out..

This is like the 3rd or 4th thread I have read from the OP about the bratty niece. I am beginning to wonder why so much jealousy about her niece's family.

BTW - Does the niece clean bathrooms?

 

[powellrj]

This is like the 3rd or 4th thread I have read from the OP about the bratty niece. I am beginning to wonder why so much jealousy about her niece's family.

BTW - Does the niece clean bathrooms?

We also seem to get lots of camp drama every year.

 

[Pigeon]

The carpooling issue involves the parents and should be worked out by the parents, not the kids.

You'll gain nothing at all by confronting (and that's exactly what it is) the child at a family celebration, other than coming off as a shrew.

Next year, don't tell them what your dd's plans are, period, no matter how many times they ask.

As for the other stuff, it is stuff to be worked out by the kids. You don't like this child. That's OK, we don't have to like all of our family members.

 

[Terry36]

The carpooling issue involves the parents and should be worked out by the parents, not the kids.

You'll gain nothing at all by confronting (and that's exactly what it is) the child at a family celebration, other than coming off as a shrew.

Next year, don't tell them what your dd's plans are, period, no matter how many times they ask.

As for the other stuff, it is stuff to be worked out by the kids. You don't like this child. That's OK, we don't have to like all of our family members.

I agree with your comments! The bolded sentence has worked for me and my DD.

 

[southernbohemian]

I would not talk to the DN at the upcoming shower. If she acts like a brat, ask her parents to do something with her (preferably the father since the mother overreacts.) If they choose to do nothing, I would talk to your son about dis-inviting them to the wedding because they will probably cause a scene there as well.

However, I would take the chance to look at your relationship with your daughter. It is wonderful that you are so close - you are obviously a very good mother. However, things change a lot when kids become teenagers. Your daughter has repeatedly told you that she can handle the situation on her own. Yet, you come off as not respecting your daughter's very reasonable request.

She, against your wishes, puts herself in situations where she will have to be around the niece (like volunteering for carpool). I think you are having a hard time separating yourself from who your daughter was (a young girl who needed you to step in when situations got bad) from who your daughter is (now older, who feels confident that she can work things out on her own). Do not mistake the fact that she confides in you with a plea for help. My stepdaughter went from being her mom's best friend to being extremely resentful and feeling like she is given no right to her own life because of this - and in the end the relationship suffers because the mom was not willing to take a step back.

Be there as a support for your child, but trust that you have done a good job and she will make the right decisions. It sounds like she does that when she is away from you - be proud. High school is the best time to let your children make their own mistakes and learn life lessons when you are still there to help them with your guidance - but you cannot keep them from getting hurt no matter how hard you try.

 

[We_Love_Disney]

I have a couple of thoughts on the matter.
* Stop letting DD make your decisions. She is 14. Her mind is going to change from minute to minute. You can always call your brother or SIL up and tell them that you have changed your mind about carpooling because you do not want to expose DD to anymore nastiness from DN.
* DD sounds like she has a love/hate relationship with DN. She has to learn to cope with DN as the high school years are going to be a bugger all on their own. You can be her sounding board, but it is probably best to refrain from making anymore negative comments about DN.
* How would you tell DD to handle any other 'friend' that was treating her this way? Follow those guidelines. Don't let your 'family' situation get too involved.
* Has DD asked DN what the problem is? Why she acts the way she does? No one needs to be subjected to cruelty, rudeness, or other inappropriate behavior. DD should express her dislike for that type of behavior and let DN know that she will not accept it - period. She can distance herself from DN regardless of location.
*The time to have talked to DN was years ago when it first began. Talking to her now would do no good and will only cause problems. The talking to DN must come from DD as she is the one being treated poorly.

I suspect the DD is going to waver in regards to her feelings toward DN, and that is fine, we all do that. Support DD, but you can't be hating on DN with DD.

 

[Wishing on a star]

OP, wow, your latest posts are just screaming with attitude and frustration and anger, now aren't they. Might as well be written in all cap with a fire red font.....

Like I said in my last post....
You really do need to learn to let things roll like water off a duck's back, and just walk away. But, something tells me that these words of advice are completely and totally in vain.