Argh...I really don't like my niece..

[abdmom]

My DN is the same age/grade/school/camp as my DD14. DN can/is be a very nasty mean thoughtless selfish child. Ever since she started going to the same camp as my DD, she has made my DD nuts! We won't even mention school.

We actually put off telling DN where DD was going this summer, hoping beyond hope that DN might go elsewhere. No such luck, plus she is going all summer (8 weeks), which she has never done before.

This summer it is teen travel, and they have 4 overnight trips. DD was going to do her best to put up with DN, even room with her if need be. Well, before camp even started, DN told DD that she didn't plan on rooming with her .

Now, when DN has been really mean, DD has told the little blank off, with my blessing. Last week, DN was out for a day, and a few girls came up to DD and asked her why DN is so mean to her. DD, said I wish I knew..my family has been trying to figure that out for years!

So, today was their first overnight, they went to Hershey and will be home tomorrow night. Well DD called me earlier to tell me how much fun she was having. DD also told me that DN had been abandoned by her "friends" and asked my DD to switch rooms with her. ***?????????????? She refused to room with my DD, and she and her friends arent nice to my DD, but she wants my DD to switch rooms with her?? Umm...I don't think so. I told DD to tell DN to talk to the counsleors.

So now DN is mad at DD. OY.... tomorrow should be fun. I get to car pool them home from late pickup. Last year SIL called and we took turns. This year she has DN called to ask DD . Unbelievable. DD and I had discussed it, and DD said she didn't want to carpool, and I was ok with that..but DD changed her mind. I am sure she will change it again for next weeks late nite pick up.
.

I'm having a hard time seeing why your DN's actions that you are complaining about are so nasty? Seems to me she's behaved appropriately in these circumstances.

I am tempted to have a word or 2 with DN Sunday at my FDIL bridal shower.

This would be nasty IMO though.

 

[SaraJayne]

I'm glad you're teaching DD to stick up for herself and not be bullied, used or victimized. Good for you & DD. She's learning now to have a strong sense of self and to set boundaries that will last her a lifetime. It showed, this weekend when you weren't around.

Children need to learn to teach other people how they want to be treated and not to allow themselves to be used as doormats.

Your DN will have to learn her own harsh lessons about life & how to treat people.

 

[JoiseyMom]

Are DN parents just blind to it?
Umm..no, they hate her. Their words not mine. When my brother was over a few weeks ago, he asked DD how DN was treating her, and DD was like, its ok, being nice. Brother then said, sorry...she is miserable and a witch (but with a b). Yes his own daughter. At graduation a few weeks ago, sil was like, I can't stand her, she is horrible, I hate her . Nice huh? They have created this monster.

Is she an only child? No, she has a sister who will be 17. She was not great when she was younger, but she did out grow it.

Doesnt excuse the behavour, and at 14 she knows what she is doing. Could your dd go to a different camp in the future?

Angie

DD has gone to this camp since she was 6, DS goes there too, and they both love it. DD doesn't want to go anywhere else. DD has the option of travel camp again next year, or being a CIT, the choice is hers.

This is DN's 3rd summer at camp. After she has been through all the other camps in the area. Supposedly she picked DD camp, because DD goes there.

To the other posters, they are limited in seeing each other. I made sure in school that they would NEVER be in the same classes (LOL...I was this careful 10 years ago!). I can't control camp. They will be in the same HS, but DD said she didn't want me to make sure they weren't in the same classes, she said she would deal.

Even though they live a few miles away, we don't really interact. I will see them SUnday at my FDIL bridal shower and in Sept at the wedding. DD will see DN at camp. We usually get invited to 1bbq a summer. We just grin and bear it.

I really feel sorry for both my DNs, but there is nothing I can do about it.

 

[JoiseyMom]

Not a pleasant situation.

It would take a crow bar for me to reveal any future plans to DN. "I don't know.", would be the phrase for all answers. I would ask her about her plans so as know what to avoid. No crossing paths would = peace.

LOL, DD did this all last year when DN asked if she was going back to camp. She was like, I don't know...my folks haven't decided yet.

 

[JoiseyMom]

I'm having a hard time seeing why your DN's actions that you are complaining about are so nasty? Seems to me she's behaved appropriately in these circumstances.



This would be nasty IMO though.

First of all, DN was off base to ask my DD to switch rooms with her. If DN is having issues she needs to talk to the counsleors. DN should not be calling DD about car pooling. My sil should have picked up the phone and called me.

How is it nasty if I have a nice talk with my DN to be nicer to my DD?? IF DN is at any point nasty to my DD on SUnday, you can bet your last nickel I will have a talk withthe brat.

Will I make a scene? NO, that is my SIL specialty. She did this at my DS's engagement party when my DD went to disengage from DN being nasty to her. My SIL thought it would be appropriate to scream at her. I took the high road and told dd not to sweat it and to walk away from my brothers wife. DD did..she just ignored my SIL.

 

[wenrob]

First of all, DN was off base to ask my DD to switch rooms with her. If DN is having issues she needs to talk to the counsleors. DN should not be calling DD about car pooling. My sil should have picked up the phone and called me.

How is it nasty if I have a nice talk with my DN to be nicer to my DD?? IF DN is at any point nasty to my DD on SUnday, you can bet your last nickel I will have a talk withthe brat.

Will I make a scene? NO, that is my SIL specialty. She did this at my DS's engagement party when my DD went to disengage from DN being nasty to her. My SIL thought it would be appropriate to scream at her. I took the high road and told dd not to sweat it and to walk away from my brothers wife. DD did..she just ignored my SIL.

Because it is a family event and your issues with your niece need to be discussed in private. It is beyond bad form (even pulling her aside) to confront someone at a celebration. Taking the chance of adding tension/drama to someone's event is worse then how nasty your niece can be. You'll for sure be the bad guy if you do it.
I have teenage nieces and nephews that don't get along. We've simply decided to keep them apart. If your DD is set on this camp and says she can handle it then why involve yourself at all? Unless your DD is in harms way you are just making it worse. Step aside and let them deal with it. Call your SIL and tell her your not going to carpool, easy peasy.

 

[jrmasm]

Because it is a family event and your issues with your niece need to be discussed in private. It is beyond bad form (even pulling her aside) to confront someone at a celebration. Taking the chance of adding tension/drama to someone's event is worse then how nasty your niece can be. You'll for sure be the bad guy if you do it.
I have teenage nieces and nephews that don't get along. We've simply decided to keep them apart. If your DD is set on this camp and says she can handle it then why involve yourself at all? Unless your DD is in harms way you are just making it worse. Step aside and let them deal with it. Call your SIL and tell her your not going to carpool, easy peasy.

OP, read this post.

 

[kim929]

my dh niece is 22 and she is mean, nasty, self centered, spoiled rotten b@@@@@, and has been all her life. She has been arrested for vandalism against girls that looked at her boyfriend, assault and dui. They don't outgrow it, they just become adults with bigger attitudes and more nastiness. Your dd did the right thing by putting her in her place. at least she will know your dd is not going to take her crap.

 

[johnsontrio]

I don't think I would be too happy if someone in our extended family pulled DD aside to give her a talking to. I use this term because it seems you want more of a confrontation with her, than to give her constructive criticism. I don't know that it is your place to discipline your DN. I would take the route of having the discussion with her Father first, since you dislike the Mother so much, and go from there.

 

[Mkrop]

Because it is a family event and your issues with your niece need to be discussed in private. It is beyond bad form (even pulling her aside) to confront someone at a celebration. Taking the chance of adding tension/drama to someone's event is worse then how nasty your niece can be. You'll for sure be the bad guy if you do it.
I have teenage nieces and nephews that don't get along. We've simply decided to keep them apart. If your DD is set on this camp and says she can handle it then why involve yourself at all? Unless your DD is in harms way you are just making it worse. Step aside and let them deal with it. Call your SIL and tell her your not going to carpool, easy peasy.

 

[JoiseyMom]

I don't think I would be too happy if someone in our extended family pulled DD aside to give her a talking to. I use this term because it seems you want more of a confrontation with her, than to give her constructive criticism. I don't know that it is your place to discipline your DN. I would take the route of having the discussion with her Father first, since you dislike the Mother so much, and go from there.

My brothers reaction is to say, my daughter(as in his daughter) is a witch(put the b there) and he shrugs his shoulders. There is nothing coming from either parent other then she is impossible, we can't do anything.

And if my DN does something to upset my DD on Sunday, I will go over to her and tell her to behave herself or I will have her mother take her home. DN and SIL almost ruined the engagement party with their behavior, I won't allow it to happen again.

And please don't make assumptions as to what I will or won't say. Telling a child her behavior is unacceptable isn't a confrontation.

 

[arminnie]

And please don't make assumptions as to what I will or won't say. Telling a child her behavior is unacceptable isn't a confrontation.

But it needs to be done when the behavior is occuring. Calmly and quietly. Discussing earlier unacceptable behavior when you weren't around is honestly not going to get you anywhere.

Yeah your niece probably is a horrible person - but nothing you say to her is going to make her decide to be a nice person. It sounds like your daughter has a pretty good head on her shoulders and is more than capable in standing up for herself.

People like the niece and SIL thrive on stirring things up. A cool "that's not acceptable I'm not talking to you" and then walking off drives that kind of person crazy. They love it when you yell and scream at them how horrible they are.

What do you gain by telling your niece that she has done x, y, and z? It's a waste of your time and energy. Certainly you have the right to stop behavior against your daughter that is happening right then, but why put very much energy into this girl?

Main thing to do is to keep reminding your daughter that it is perfectly okay for her not to interact with DN or SIL any more than she really wants to. She doesn't need to do anymore than be civil and reasonably polite.

Best thing my mother ever taught me was that I didn't have to be nice to people that were not nice to me even older relatives. One of my mother's BILs was a true bully. He was a policeman that was the stereotype of So. cop with a big belly, cigar and a menacing manner. I have a huge family, and we got together often. My cousins were terrified of this uncle. I never was. When he said something rude to me I just blew him off. I knew my mother would NEVER let him actually do anything to me.

 

[C.Ann]

But it needs to be done when the behavior is occuring. Calmly and quietly. Discussing earlier unacceptable behavior when you weren't around is honestly not going to get you anywhere.

What do you gain by telling your niece that she has done x, y, and z? It's a waste of your time and energy. Certainly you have the right to stop behavior against your daughter that is happening right then, but why put very much energy into this girl?

Main thing to do is to keep reminding your daughter that it is perfectly okay for her not to interact with DN or SIL any more than she really wants to. She doesn't need to do anymore than be civil and reasonably polite.

These are some of the points I was trying to get across last night, but I just couldn't get them to come out right - brain fog from the heat - LOL..

Continually talking about how nasty the DN is - calling her names - referring to her as bratty - isn't really helpful.. In some way, shape, or form, that attitude filters down to the DD and isn't really productive..

Limited exposure is the best way to go and since OP has stated that her DD knows how to stand up for herself, I really don't see the need for OP to rehash things that have already been dealt with..

If the car pooling is still an issue, OP needs to address her SIL (or brother) about it - privately - not at a family function.. Since neither of the kids are old enough to drive, this is clearly an issue for the adults to hammer out..

 

[princessmom29]

the child needs to be spoken to, but not at a family function. I would do it at carpool. No accusing, shouting aruging ect, Just that you know that she is not treating your DD with respect, it has been an ongoing problem that has gotten out of control, you do not appreciate it, and if she wants to have further contact with your DD she needs to be more considerate. She doesn't have to be best friends, but the nastiness must stop. If she still refuses to be civil I would cut off all contact. Tell you DD to have nothing further to do with her unless she can be civil. Name calling and resentment don't help, believe me, I have been this route with my own cousin and eventually had to cut all contact as an adult b/c she is just totally unreasonable.

 

[minkydog]

And if my DN does something to upset my DD on Sunday, I will go over to her and tell her to behave herself or I will have her mother take her home. DN and SIL almost ruined the engagement party with their behavior, I won't allow it to happen again.

And yet you feel no hesitation in "giving her a talking to" at the shower. I don't get it. Do you honestly think this 14yo girl is going to just stand there and say "Gee, Auntie. Thank you for pointing out the error of my ways. I will from this day forth strive to be a better person." I think not. I think if she's as bratty as you say she is, I think she's going to give you some push-back. And I imagine that as soon as your SIL sees what's going on SHE's going to join the fray.


Please don't bring this up at the DILs shower. Even if you go into it intending to not have a confrontation I think that is exactly what you're going to get.

 

[Mimi1965]

And yet you feel no hesitation in "giving her a talking to" at the shower. I don't get it. Do you honestly think this 14yo girl is going to just stand there and say "Gee, Auntie. Thank you for pointing out the error of my ways. I will from this day forth strive to be a better person." I think not. I think if she's as bratty as you say she is, I think she's going to give you some push-back. And I imagine that as soon as your SIL sees what's going on SHE's going to join the fray.


Please don't bring this up at the DILs shower. Even if you go into it intending to not have a confrontation I think that is exactly what you're going to get.

I AGREE with you minkydog

 

[iwrbnd]

I have a 16 year old nephew that has been mean to my kids his whole life! I have handled it by talking to my kids and telling them some people will just be that way and we talk about ways to handle it. (Walking away, using words, ignorning) Mostly this works because he lives 8 hours away! I talked to him just once (last Thanksgiving) because he was being so rude to my kids...leaving them out, teasing, being extra nice to the other cousins just to make mine feel bad...I doubt my talk will make a difference but at least he knows I see what he's doing! It's hard, though, and makes family get togethers stressful! Hang in there and try to always take the high road!

 

[Wishing on a star]

Telling a child her behavior is unacceptable isn't a confrontation.

Yes, when it is NOT YOUR CHILD, and when there is no major altercation... (threats or bordering on physical), this is, most definitely a confrontation.

(a child, other than your own, acting like a teenaged SNIT does not qualify)

And, everyone is right, a gathering/celebration is NOT the time or place.

It sounds like your teenaged daughter is better equipped, and perhaps more mature, in dealing with this than you are.

Your daughter is smart enough to learn how to let this run off like water off a duck's back, turn and walk away...

Your daughter does not sound like a 'snowflake'.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Please don't bring this up at the DILs shower. Even if you go into it intending to not have a confrontation I think that is exactly what you're going to get.

Unfortunately, it sounds like a confrontation with a 14 year old is exactly what the OP has in the back of her mind.

 

[handinpocket]

Any adult that posts "I don't like my niece" on a public WDW message board, has more problems than the 14 year old child. JMO, and I'm leaving now.