GoofieRuthie
DIS Veteran<br><font color=00cc00>If you see a sig
- Joined
- Mar 12, 2003
- Messages
- 1,562
This is long and a little exaggerated, but it's very funny if you have kids already. Enjoy...... 
Are you ready to be a parent?
Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and
decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to
take to prepare themselves for the real life experience of being a mother
or father.
1. Women: To prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a
beanbag chair down the front. Leave it there for nine months. After nine
months, remove 10% of the beans.
Men: To prepare for paternity, go to the local drug store, tip the contents
of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself.
Next, go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to
its head office. Go home. Pick up the paper and read it for the last time.
2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are
already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of
patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their
children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their
child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall
behavior. Enjoy it - - it's the last time in your life that you will have
all the answers.
3. To discover how the nights feel, walk around the living room from 5 p.m.
until 10 p.m. carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8 - 12 pounds. At
10 p.m. put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get
up at 12 a.m. and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1
a.m. Put the alarm on for 3 a.m. Since you can't go back to sleep, get
up at 2 a.m. and make a pot of tea. Go to bed at 2:45 a.m. Get up again
at 3 a.m. when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark till 4 a.m. Put
the alarm on for 5 a.m. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5
years.
4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter
onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish stick behind the
stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds
then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does
that look?
5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an octopus
and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that
none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this--all morning.
6. Get an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of paint, turn it
into an alligator. Now get a toilet paper tube. Using only scotch tape
and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas tree. Last, take a milk
container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of CoCo Puffs and make an
exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations, you have just
qualified for a place on the play group committee.
7. Forget the Miata and buy the mini-van. And don't think you can leave
it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like
that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment.
Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a
family-size bag of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run
a garden rake along both sides of the car. There! Perfect!
8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out
the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk
down the front path. Walk back up it again. Walk down it again. Walk
very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every
cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect
along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you
can stand until all the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and
go back in the house. You're now just about ready to try taking a small
child for a walk.
9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.
10. Go to your local supermarket. Take the nearest thing you can find to a
pre- school child with you. A fully-grown goat is excellent. If you
intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your
week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for
everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this
DO NOT even contemplate having children.
11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from
the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Fruit
Loops and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be
an airplane. Continue until half of the Fruit Loops are gone. Tip the
rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You
are now ready to feed a 12-month old child.
12. Learn the names of every character from 'Barney and Friends', 'Sesame
Street', and 'Power Ranges'. When you find yourself singing, "I love you,
you love me" at work, you finally qualify as a parent
Are you ready to be a parent?
Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and
decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to
take to prepare themselves for the real life experience of being a mother
or father.
1. Women: To prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a
beanbag chair down the front. Leave it there for nine months. After nine
months, remove 10% of the beans.
Men: To prepare for paternity, go to the local drug store, tip the contents
of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself.
Next, go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to
its head office. Go home. Pick up the paper and read it for the last time.
2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are
already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of
patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their
children to run wild. Suggest ways in which they might improve their
child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall
behavior. Enjoy it - - it's the last time in your life that you will have
all the answers.
3. To discover how the nights feel, walk around the living room from 5 p.m.
until 10 p.m. carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8 - 12 pounds. At
10 p.m. put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get
up at 12 a.m. and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1
a.m. Put the alarm on for 3 a.m. Since you can't go back to sleep, get
up at 2 a.m. and make a pot of tea. Go to bed at 2:45 a.m. Get up again
at 3 a.m. when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark till 4 a.m. Put
the alarm on for 5 a.m. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5
years.
4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter
onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish stick behind the
stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds
then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does
that look?
5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an octopus
and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that
none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this--all morning.
6. Get an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of paint, turn it
into an alligator. Now get a toilet paper tube. Using only scotch tape
and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas tree. Last, take a milk
container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of CoCo Puffs and make an
exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations, you have just
qualified for a place on the play group committee.
7. Forget the Miata and buy the mini-van. And don't think you can leave
it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like
that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment.
Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a
family-size bag of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run
a garden rake along both sides of the car. There! Perfect!
8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out
the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk
down the front path. Walk back up it again. Walk down it again. Walk
very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every
cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect
along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you
can stand until all the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and
go back in the house. You're now just about ready to try taking a small
child for a walk.
9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.
10. Go to your local supermarket. Take the nearest thing you can find to a
pre- school child with you. A fully-grown goat is excellent. If you
intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your
week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for
everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this
DO NOT even contemplate having children.
11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from
the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Fruit
Loops and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be
an airplane. Continue until half of the Fruit Loops are gone. Tip the
rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You
are now ready to feed a 12-month old child.
12. Learn the names of every character from 'Barney and Friends', 'Sesame
Street', and 'Power Ranges'. When you find yourself singing, "I love you,
you love me" at work, you finally qualify as a parent
