SuiteDisney
<font color=CC66CC>Short Post Man cracks me up!<br
- Joined
- Nov 25, 2001
- Messages
- 4,731
Are you considering having children? To determine
whether you are truly prepared for the experience, we
suggest you take this set of simple tests...
MESS TEST:
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub
your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls.
Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick
behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
TOY TEST:
Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not
available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken
bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house.
Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or
kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at
night).
GROCERY STORE TEST:
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and
take them with you as you shop at the grocery store.
Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat
or damage.
DRESSING TEST:
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a
small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.
FEEDING TEST:
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with
water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord.
Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of
soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the
mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane.
Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
NIGHT TEST:
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with
8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water.
At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until
9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00
PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you
have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing
these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up
and make breakfast. Keep this up for five years. Look
cheerful.
PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN)
Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front
of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now
remove 10% of the beans.
PHYSICAL TEST (MEN):
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the
counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to
the nearest food store. Go to the head office and
arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to
the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it
quietly for the last time.
FINAL ASSIGNMENT:
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture
them on how they can improve their discipline,
patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table
manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize
to them that they should never allow their children to
run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last
time you will have all the answers.
whether you are truly prepared for the experience, we
suggest you take this set of simple tests...
MESS TEST:
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub
your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls.
Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick
behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
TOY TEST:
Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not
available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken
bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house.
Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or
kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at
night).
GROCERY STORE TEST:
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and
take them with you as you shop at the grocery store.
Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat
or damage.
DRESSING TEST:
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a
small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.
FEEDING TEST:
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with
water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord.
Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of
soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the
mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane.
Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
NIGHT TEST:
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with
8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water.
At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until
9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00
PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you
have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing
these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up
and make breakfast. Keep this up for five years. Look
cheerful.
PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN)
Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front
of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now
remove 10% of the beans.
PHYSICAL TEST (MEN):
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the
counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to
the nearest food store. Go to the head office and
arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to
the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it
quietly for the last time.
FINAL ASSIGNMENT:
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture
them on how they can improve their discipline,
patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table
manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize
to them that they should never allow their children to
run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last
time you will have all the answers.
