Appropriate "Punishment"? **HAPPY UPDATE IN POST 37**

[Christine]

Bear with me with all my recent "high schooler" posts but this is my oldest child and my first time dealing with the high school stuff.

DD (14) started high school a few weeks ago. She had to audition to get into this public school and she is in the fine arts program. One of the requirements of the fine arts program is that she maintain a 3.0 average in her advanced English, advanced History, and drama class. So far she is doing very well in English and Drama with a 100% average. Unfortunately, she is almost failing Advanced World History (well it's either a very low C or a D) and she is a mid-C in Biology. The Biology class I can almost see because she switched into that class late and missed quite a bit. She looks to be pulling that up, but the History is just a total bomb. She hates the teacher and says he is not covering all the material during class time because he "goes off on tangents about his time in the war." I have confirmed through other parents whose kids have had him before that he does indeed do this, but OH WELL!! I told my DD that she needed to work around this and find a way to learn the material (it *is* in the book). And some kids did manage to get A's on the test rather than a 58.

Sooooo, that's where we are. Now, her BIG life is IM'ing and the school football games on Friday nights. I've told her that I am very disappointed in her history grade and that she needs to take this more seriously or she will be booted out of the school (the truth). Personally, *I* think she is just not trying hard enough. So, I told her she can't go to the football game. She is just devastated. She asked if she could go to the football game but substitute the punishment with no IM'ing for a week. I told her that she cannot "choose" her punishment. Her school work is most important and if she cannot concentrate on it, then she could start staying home.

So, will this push her over the edge or do you think it is appropriate?

UPDATE: Well, my DD missed the football game last night and she was truly bummed. We went on-line and reviewed her grades again. She THEN proceeds to tell me that she got a quiz back that day (Friday) and it was a 40!! She told me she discussed it with the teacher and asked if there was anyway she could pull her grade up before the interim of the quarter (I don't know what she was trying to do??) but he told her "no."

So, now I've had to pull the IM'ing which she didn't say too much about. No whining/complaining. I guess she knows. I then offered to do some of the suggestions that Beauty gave me that she had one with her son, but my DD "does not want my help." She thinks that if anyone, "especially her parents", works with her, she's going to tune them out and not pay attention. She thinks she can do this on her own. Egads, kids.

Now, I'm just really worried about her failing this class. Guess I will be sending an e-mail to the teacher and possibly guidance to see what kind of assistance they can offer. She's pulling A's in 3 other classes, a B in one and a C in another. By now, she is truly failing history. Yesterday she had a 70% average (which is a D in our school system), but with the 40 she got, it is most surely and F now.

Then she tells me that she got two "zeros" in her drama class because she "forgot" her journal submissions at home.

Can I spank her now?

 

[NMAmy]

Yes, it's appropriate. But it's hard, isn't it? I have a 14 yo dd, as well. Grounding her means we are stuck with a surly teen around the house but I've gotten pretty good at ignoring that.

Is there any way you can help her with her studying? When dd is doing poorly in a subject, I help her with it--sometimes I can read it over and then explain it in a different manner than the teacher. I also help her study for exams by quizzing her on different things.

 

[wdwmom2]

IMing and football games....you just described my DD14. My punishment would have been the same with the added, if you grades don't improve, you lose both. And I would make her earn her IMing time by studying first!!!!

 

[ducklite]

I would have taken away the IM's, but not the game. Tell her that the time she would have been spending each night on the computer will now be spent studying.

It will be more effective to try to absord a few pages each night rather than a whole chapter on a Saturday.

And frankly, I might have a conference with the principle about the teacher. The only way we can improve the teaching situation in this country is to make sure that those who have problems which impede the learning process are either replaced or coached to overcome these obstacles. It's possible the principle isn't aware of the problem.

Anne

 

[Lynn CC]

My DS went through a similar situation with AP Calculus last year in his senior year, he was failing at the beginning half of the year and since college interviews were during that time I'm sure it had quite a negative impact on colleges. He would not give up even though they wanted him to drop down to an honors calculus class. He got a tutor and spent 3-5 hours a night trying to understand and memorise the formulas, he ended up with an A- for the second half.

Atleast your daughter is taking advanced classes, there is so much pressure to do well, maybe she just really can't figure out what the teacher wants from her in this subject. They do cover a lot of material, perhaps a tutor is a good idea.

 

[Christine]

Yes, it's appropriate. But it's hard, isn't it? I have a 14 yo dd, as well. Grounding her means we are stuck with a surly teen around the house but I've gotten pretty good at ignoring that.

Is there any way you can help her with her studying? When dd is doing poorly in a subject, I help her with it--sometimes I can read it over and then explain it in a different manner than the teacher. I also help her study for exams by quizzing her on different things.

Thanks, it's just so hard to know what's not enough or what's too much. Some of her friends' parents NEVER use restriction and then there seems to be some that are on it for every thing. I rarely feel that I have to use restriction, so I'm never quite sure what is the right amount/level.

As far as helping her--she's always been very independent with her stuff (unlike my son) and I wasn't even aware there was a problem until two days ago. I can view the "gradebook" on line and the History teacher finally loaded his grades. Needless to say, I was shocked.

Honestly, deep down inside I feel like *she* isn't doing her work. She is probably racing through her reading and homework assignments so she can "get back to IM'ing." She gets very frustrated if she can't finish something in 15 minutes. Just my gut feeling though. I want HER to learn to take some more personal responsibility in this. Then if there is still a problem, I think I will have to see what's really going on.

 

[Christine]

wdwmom and Ducklite--the IMs are next, believe me. I realize that no progress is going to be made tonight (in one night). She assures me that there is a test she just took in both History and Biology that are not yet in the gradebooks that are better. The football game was more of a "punishment." If I don't see a quick improvement in the next round of work, the IMs will go.

I guess the football game was my big hit to let her know, hey, I mean business here.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

So, will this push her over the edge or do you think it is appropriate?

Well, I say that you sweet and easy mom! I take ALL privileges away until grades come up. Provided you are aware that she is just "blowing the class" & not working her tail off.

My dd has also started HS this year and I have taken away her IM 3 times already. And she is not blowing a class. My mommie sense knows she is not doing a proper balance.
DH and I ask her what her schedule is and if she can't tell us, show us, we pull her computer.
I cannot take football games away but she is in the Marching Band.

 

[nowellsl]

If you feel she's not trying hard enough - you're probably right. I don't envy you, I'm glad my daughter is through all that. She was one who did just enough to get by until her junior year when she decided she wanted to get good grades. I can say that she blamed every bad grade she got on the teacher Nothing I did worked until she made the decision on her own. I don't have any opinions as to the punishment except it won't kill her to miss one football game. Good luck with whatever you decide! Sometimes you have to let them make their own decisions and suffer the consequences.

 

[Beth76]

Yes, I think it's appropriate. There will be other games she can go to. I think she will "learn" more from this than loss of IM priviledges. Like she even said, she would rather not IM--because that's not as bad. What is she learning then? Nothing--more of an inconvenience. Missing one game will be a hit to her social life this weekend. She'll not want to do that again. Hopefully, she'll spend that time studying.

 

[powellrj]

Is it possible to get a tutor for a while to help her get caught up? While I know people use taking away afterschool activities as punishments, anymore its hard for the kids to get to know each other any other way because their days are so full with class and homework. Since this is a new school, she may need the football game as a way to meet new people. Could you ground her to home all day saturday and makesure she spends the day getting caught up? I just know when my kids started new schools, the easiest way to meet people was at afterschool functions.

My middle DS just started high school this year too. It never gets easier even though this is my second one that has been to high school.

 

[DoeWDW]

In the big scheme of Life, this is just one football game. She'll get over it. You did the right thing, Mom, by showing her you mean business.

 

[Christine]

Is it possible to get a tutor for a while to help her get caught up? While I know people use taking away afterschool activities as punishments, anymore its hard for the kids to get to know each other any other way because their days are so full with class and homework. Since this is a new school, she may need the football game as a way to meet new people. Could you ground her to home all day saturday and makesure she spends the day getting caught up? I just know when my kids started new schools, the easiest way to meet people was at afterschool functions.

My middle DS just started high school this year too. It never gets easier even though this is my second one that has been to high school.

If I thought she needed a tutor, I would do it. I will be watching her very closely. Also, the school offers after-school tutoring almost everyday with the exact teachers you are having for class. So, that will be an option.

As for missing the game--my DD is VERY social. She already has a TON of friends and is not hurting in that area whatsoever. But I see where you are going with that and it's definitely a valid point.

She won't be hurting this weekend at all though. She is having her nails done today at 5:00 p.m. with some girlfriends and she is going to another high school's homecoming dance tomorrow night with a classmate from her old middle school. She has a full social schedule already. But still, missing the football game is killing her. Methinks, there's a boy involved...

 

[Sandy V.]

As for missing the game--my DD is VERY social. She already has a TON of friends and is not hurting in that area whatsoever. But I see where you are going with that and it's definitely a valid point.

She won't be hurting this weekend at all though. She is having her nails done today at 5:00 p.m. with some girlfriends and she is going to another high school's homecoming dance tomorrow night with a classmate from her old middle school. She has a full social schedule already. But still, missing the football game is killing her. Methinks, there's a boy involved...

Given that she's a social animal, I think the punishment was appropriate. Hopefully it will shock her into realizing that you mean business!

Good luck with all of this - I have a 17 year old DD whose generous curfew got pushed an hour earlier 2 weeks ago because she started cutting it WAY too close. When she waltzed in 10 minutes late after previously being warned that curfew meant the time you were IN the house, she got busted! Now she's trying to earn it back, and she is NOT a happy camper. Oh well.

 

[JimB.]

I think your plan is fine.

If she feels no "pain" from her results, then the results won't change. If you stay consistent, you will obtain the desired results eventually.


Good luck.


Aren't teenager's FUN ???????!!!!!!

 

[Christine]

Aren't teenager's FUN ???????!!!!!!

No, not really. And it doesn't help that my mom was very "hands off" with me. Wasn't overly concerned with my grades, didn't give me too many restrictions. In hindsight, I think she should have done more. So, I feel like I'm constantly trying to decide what's enough.

Thanks for the feedback.

 

[poohandwendy]

One of the requirements of the fine arts program is that she maintain a 3.0 average in her advanced English, advanced History, and drama class. So far she is doing very well in English and Drama with a 100% average. Unfortunately, she is almost failing Advanced World History (well it's either a very low C or a D) and she is a mid-C in Biology. The Biology class I can almost see because she switched into that class late and missed quite a bit. She looks to be pulling that up, but the History is just a total bomb. She hates the teacher and says he is not covering all the material during class time because he "goes off on tangents about his time in the war." I have confirmed through other parents whose kids have had him before that he does indeed do this, but OH WELL!! I told my DD that she needed to work around this and find a way to learn the material (it *is* in the book). And some kids did manage to get A's on the test rather than a 58.

Wow, I must be a very strict parent. Missing one football game but still IMing, getting her nails done and a full social schedule? That would all come to a screeching halt. School first, period. And nothing else until she can prove she is meeting the minimum requirements.

You have the best possible motivator at your disposal, her social life. Use it to your advantage and she will get her butt in gear quickly. Taking one game away and allowing her to continue with the rest of her social life is not harsh enough for the such low grades in core classes, IMHO.

Good luck to you, unless she is in classes she has no business in, she will do as well as she is required to.

 

[NMAmy]

Thanks, it's just so hard to know what's not enough or what's too much. Some of her friends' parents NEVER use restriction and then there seems to be some that are on it for every thing. I rarely feel that I have to use restriction, so I'm never quite sure what is the right amount/level.

As far as helping her--she's always been very independent with her stuff (unlike my son) and I wasn't even aware there was a problem until two days ago. I can view the "gradebook" on line and the History teacher finally loaded his grades. Needless to say, I was shocked.

Honestly, deep down inside I feel like *she* isn't doing her work. She is probably racing through her reading and homework assignments so she can "get back to IM'ing." She gets very frustrated if she can't finish something in 15 minutes. Just my gut feeling though. I want HER to learn to take some more personal responsibility in this. Then if there is still a problem, I think I will have to see what's really going on.

One game is probably a good punishment, Christine. I ground dd for a whole weekend from time to time when I want to get her attention.

DD is very independent with her schoolwork as well. But when the grades start to slip (she's in AP classes, too) that's when I start to help her with the studying for awhile--I don't so much provide answers as read her assignments and ask questions. She can't race through it that way and she has to focus and pay attention.

Good luck! It's such a fun age, isn't it?

 

[Christine]

Wow, I must be a very strict parent. Missing one football game but still IMing, getting her nails done and a full social schedule? That would all come to a screeching halt. School first, period. And nothing else until she can prove she is meeting the minimum requirements.

You have the best possible motivator at your disposal, her social life. Use it to your advantage and she will get her butt in gear quickly. Taking one game away and allowing her to continue with the rest of her social life is not harsh enough for the such low grades in core classes, IMHO.

Good luck to you, unless she is in classes she has no business in, she will do as well as she is required to.

PAW,
I would "yank" the homecoming if it wouldn't "punish" the guy. He's rented the tux, bought the corsage, made the dinner arrangements, etc. I just can't do that to him.

 

[puffkin]

I think I would approach this a little different.....

I would let her go to the football game. They are only usually once a week right? Probably on a Friday or Saturday. Realistically, would she be studying then anyway? To me, that is just such a huge part of the high school experience, and she is only a kid once. Even the best of students need a break from studying once in awhile.

I would cut out the IM'ing/computer instead. That is an everynight activity that probably occurs during her prime studying times. I just never got the whole IM'ing thing anyway. This is probably interfering with her studying more so than the football games.

I would call or meet with the teacher and see what the expectations are for the class. Maybe see what the students are expected to know in each chapter/unit. Then I would help your daughter devise a study plan. Maybe break down the chapters into x number of pages a night to study. Maybe have her outline the chapters on her own or make flashcards. IF there are self study questions in the book, maybe she could do them on her own (or at least look at them and verbally answer instead of writing out the answer). Also, you can look online and see if the textbook they are using has a website or a study guide with additional resources to help her study.

If she meets her nightly goals, then maybe you could allow her 15 minutes of computer time or something like that as a reward. You don't want her to burn out after all. You would also be teaching her valuable study habits that will help her in college, however she will still be basically doing the work independently.