Appropriate gift for Bat Mitzvah in NJ?

[frannn]

Haven't been to an event in a long while. What is an appropriate cash gift for a cousin's childs Bat Mitzvah if you do not attend, and what is an appropriate gift if 3 people attend? We haven't seen these cousins in several years, and can't afford to go crazy like a wedding sized gift. We're not 100% sure, but leaning towards not going. I was considering buying a bond in place of cash, but don't you have to put a SS # on it? Would the bond be better, and how much?

 

[Frankiesmom]

Isn't it appropriate to give the amount per plate per person? I would need more info, where is it being held and is there going to be entertainment? etc. I have a lot of relatives on Long Island and the last one I attended was held like a wedding reception complete with circus animals and clowns and even a trapeze person. Just wondering;so I could help you out.

 

[Wall E]

We were invited to one last summer. We were a little stumped too since we are Catholic and had never been invited before. It was for the daughter of a co-worker. We gave $150. I have no idea what the going rate is, but I polled some of my other co-workers who were going and everybody was in that range. Some gave a little more and some gave less.

 

[scrapquitler]

I googled and found this on about.com:
Gifts are generally given to the child who is celebrating the bar or bat mitzvah.

Gifts should not be brought to the synagogue service. It is best to give the gift at the party or deliver it to the child's home.

The same type of gift that is appropriate for a 13 year old birthday is also approriate for a bar/bat mitzvah. Generally close family gives Judaic gifts (such as kiddish cup, tallis bag, tefillin), so friends tend to give more neutral gifts. I find asking the parents what the child wants is the best bar/bat mitzvah gift-giving strategy.

Some popular gifts today include books, music, magazine subscription, DVD, computer and video games, software, camera, binoculars, watch, army knife, skate board, and sleeping bag. Gift certificates and cash also work well as bar/bat mitzvah gifts.

Some people give cash in multiples of 18 as the the Hebrew word for life (chai) has the numerical value of 18 in Judaism

 

[frannn]

The party begins at 8 on a Sat night. It is not black tie. I highly doubt there will be circus animal type activities, but I would think they would have some activity for the kids.

 

[KelNottAt]

When DS attended his classmate's bar mitzvah, we gave $54 (a multiple of 18). That was a child-to-child gift. If you're a related adult, I'd feel compelled to give $90+.

 

[Floridagal23]

It depends. In South Florida, it is $200 and up in some areas (mine, at least). I think you are ok with 150 OR some jewelry from tiffany's, etc, like a nice necklace in sterling silver. I got a lot of that and mine was 12 years ago! Most kids invited to parties are giving $36 and up - I would say probably 50 if the child is a good friend/classmate. Not so much the magazine subscription or music crowd - I think even a check for $18 if just the child is going is fine.

You can also donate to a charity of the child's choice. Some kids will pick a specific charity that they plan to donate a portion of funds to anyway. HTH!

 

[frannn]

We will not attend- I figured once we purchased a new suit for DH, dress for me (unless I wore slacks and a blazer), and gave a 300 bond (for 150 cash), we'd be spending 4x the 75. I bought the bond with. Would've been a nice night out with family I haven't seen in about 7 years....but then again, I haven't seen them in seven years, KWIM? I can use the 225 difference towards our WDW and not the fun night out.

 

[disneysteve]

We will not attend

and gave a 300 bond (for 150 cash),

I think $150 is just fine and will be greatly appreciated.

Isn't it appropriate to give the amount per plate per person? I would need more info, where is it being held and is there going to be entertainment?

I don't think any of that matters in answering the question. It isn't the guests' job to pay for the reception. Whether it is being held at the Waldorf or in the family's backyard shouldn't affect the gift amount. Besides, the gift isn't going to the parents who are paying for the event. The gift is going to the kid.

 

[goobsmom]

These answers are astonishing to me, especially on a budget board. The average gift for my CA wedding 9 years ago was about $30.

 

[disneysteve]

These answers are astonishing to me, especially on a budget board. The average gift for my CA wedding 9 years ago was about $30.

Wow. The average gift for our PA wedding almost 16 years ago was $100.

 

[punkin]

These answers are astonishing to me, especially on a budget board. The average gift for my CA wedding 9 years ago was about $30.

What is CA? and My DD15 is going to a sweet sixteen next week and we are spending at least $50 possibly more.

 

[Tink06170]

I would say anywhere between a $75-150 dollar gift... at least thats what it was about 6 years ago for family members.

I do not agree however with a bar/bat mitzvah gift would be the same as any other 13 year olds birthday. At least in my area this is not the case. First off it costs alot more to have this type of party and it also it a special rite of passage . I know that many people give larger gifts for sweet 16s, and most people who had bat mitzvahs did not have sweet 16s... kinda a trade off i guess. If you are not attending then the gift does not have to be as large (unless you want it to be). I think if you are not attending $75 is more than enough and would look generous.

As far as the sweet 16 that someone mentioned... I received alot of jewlery rather than money. I would say the pieces ranged in price anywhere from $30 to $100 (though the higher ends came from best friends and family). Although cash is always appriciated.

 

[disneysteve]

I do not agree however with a bar/bat mitzvah gift would be the same as any other 13 year olds birthday.

I also wouldn't otherwise expect to be invited to a 13 year old's birthday party unless it was a very close friend or relative. And if we were invited, we certainly wouldn't give them more than a CD or a DVD or maybe a $25 gift card to the bookstore.

 

[SunKat]

These answers are astonishing to me, especially on a budget board. The average gift for my CA wedding 9 years ago was about $30.

Wow! I've been married 26 years and the average wedding gift we received was $100 per couple back then. But, we do remember one couple gave us $30 - it was from my husband's boss at the time and his wife!

Fast forward to this w/e.....my dd is attending her best friend's communion party. It's at a restaurant and I was thinking of giving her $50. I don't want to be cheap, but I hope that's enough.

 

[FatElvis]

First off it costs alot more to have this type of party and it also it a special rite of passage .

Yes, but why should party costs affect the type of gift? I've never understood that line of thinking for wedding & other gifts. I know that's common in some areas (Northeast, it seems) but I can't imagine throwing a party and expecting to recoup my expenses. I have a friend who has 6 kids, and was going to have to come up with $1,000 to attend a niece's wedding. Holy crap!

Anyway, like I said, I know that's expected in some areas. OP, I think your gift was perfectly appropriate.

 

[sherreis]

I think your gift was appropriate as well, especially, since you're not going. I truly think things have gotten out of hand with Bar/Bat Mitzvah parties and people start to out-do each other. It's a 13 yr old's party. We usually give $50-$100 for most kids that we know, depending on how close we are to the family. For my neices/nephews we gave a little more when we could afford it.

My DS will be Bar Mitzvah'd next year and I actually don't care who gives him gifts and who doesn't.

 

[Gillian]

I think that was a nice gift, especially since you aren't very close to them and you aren't going. Some of those suggestions mentioned were probably more for friends of the birthday child than for family or close friends.

I have no idea what the average gift was for our wedding in NJ 11+ years ago, but most people gave over $100. Since we were lucky not to have to pay for the wedding, we were thrilled at the money & it helped us buy our house. There was no expectation for people to match the cost. They wouldn't be able to figure it out anyway, as everything was separate.

The gifts we remember were the ones that were actual gifts (good & bad) and the one (!) that was a multiple of 18 from a non-Jewish friend.