Anyone with experience going to Court for custody?

[BabyTigger99]

DH wants to make an appointment for a consult with an attorney about getting primary physical placement of his daughter. He grades have been slipping for the last 2 and a half years, after her mom graduated and starting working as a nurse, which also brings about his second issue. Mom is gone 3-4 nights a week, either working or out with her boyfriend, so DSD is pretty much left to fend for herself. She is also sleeping over at people's houses on school nights, and spends lots of time with her cousing that we do not approve of (cousin is a freshman in high school, DSD is in 7th grade, cousin sneaks out of the house, sneaks boys into the house, smokes, etc.). Anyone gone to Court for placement? DH has tried talking with his ex, but she doesn't see anything wrong and hangs up on him.

 

[tkd lisa]

My situation is different, but one piece of advice I'd give you is to document everything.

You should sit down and write what happened, when it happened, who was there, etc. It's best to do this as it happens, but try to recreate as far back as you can be accurate.

You will be amazed at how quickly these things run in together. And if you can go to court and looking at a document, say "On dates x, y, z I called DSD and she was home alone. And on dates a, b, c she was late to school because she stayed at a friends, etc." it will make it clear that this isn't just your opinion, or that you are doing this to get "back" at the ex, etc. I do think that it sounds like something needs to be addressed, even if it's just joint custody with the evenings at your house. Judges have become more sympathetic to fathers so it's not a given that they'll deny the change.

I hope it works out for you.

 

[BabyTigger99]

She can't have evenings at our house, because her mom lives about an hour and 15 minutes away from us, so that is not an option. We have been documented, and I told DH if we can subpoena her work records, that will show a lot.

 

[PlaneJoy1]

Being in 7th grade, the judge can/may take into account the wishes of the child. Does she want to live with you? If so, it will be a little easier. If not, it may take a little more effort but still doable.

 

[floridafam]

This seems like kind of a sticky situation. Her Mom has to work, correct?

Being out with the boyfriend may be an issue. Maybe he could come over to the house instead of them going out all the time.

As far as her grades slipping, how much of that can be attributed to the Mother working?

If you feel you can provide a better living environment and help to bring her grades up then I say go for it.

Was the divorce on good terms?

 

[disneylizzy]

Tread carefully - I know you love her and want only the best for her and are worried about bad influences, but if everything isn't handled just right it could all backfire on you and her. Gather information. Try to avoid directly criticizing the mom. Good luck!

 

[PrincessDeb]

All I can say is document, document, document.
Went to court twice-thankfully my son was too young to know what was going on. It becomes a very ugly situation. Good luck to you-sounds like you have a good reason to try.

 

[BabyTigger99]

This seems like kind of a sticky situation. Her Mom has to work, correct?

Being out with the boyfriend may be an issue. Maybe he could come over to the house instead of them going out all the time.

As far as her grades slipping, how much of that can be attributed to the Mother working?

If you feel you can provide a better living environment and help to bring her grades up then I say go for it.

Was the divorce on good terms?

Yes, her mom has to work, but she could work as a nurse in a doctor's office during the day, not in a hospital doing overnights.

DSD's grades were all very good until her mother started working overnights. Now, she doesn't turn work in (which was never a problem) and gets bad grades on tests because she doesn't study. I attribute quite a bit of that to her mother being gone. No one is there to make sure it is getting done, or to make sure she is studying. She just got bit in the butt by this, because she can't play 7th grade basketball because her grades are too low. If her habits remain like this, she is in for a long road!

 

[clarabelle]

I am not trying to excuse the questionable parenting -but...
An RN working in a hospital makes significantly more than one in a Doctors office.

 

[BabyTigger99]

Being in 7th grade, the judge can/may take into account the wishes of the child. Does she want to live with you? If so, it will be a little easier. If not, it may take a little more effort but still doable.

I think she does want to live with us, mainly for the stability we have at our house. She mentioned it to her mom last summer, and her mom pretty much said no way in H-E-double hockey sticks will she come live with us.

We do not bad mouth her mother in front of her, but the ex does about DH in front of her. Last night, when DH was talking to DSD about New Year's Eve, and wanting her to spend it with us because he was overseas with the military last year, she said "So what, it is your fault you were gone last year", which are exactly the words the ex has said to him.

I had to bring DSD home on Monday because DH had to work. She was sick, had a stomach ache, ended up throwing up on the way home. When we were waiting for her mom to get to the meeting place, we were talking, things were good, and then mom's boyfriend came up. Come to find out, mom didn't feel like getting up and taking a shower (come on, it was 3:30 in the afternoon when I met her!) so she sent her boyfriend to pick her up. How selfish is that? And it is always things like that. DSD comes last in her life, and she tries to make up for not being around by buying her whatever she wants.

 

[BabyTigger99]

I am not trying to excuse the questionable parenting -but...
An RN working in a hospital makes significantly more than one in a Doctors office.

This I know, but can't one make sacrifices? I turned down a job making $4 an hour more working as 911 dispatcher, because I didn't want to work nights and weekends. DH was making great money working at his National Guard base, but was only home on the weekends. Took a local job with a big pay cut so he could be home every night. We make sacrifices for the family, and the well-being of the kids.

 

[Disney Doll]

I am not trying to excuse the questionable parenting -but...
An RN working in a hospital makes significantly more than one in a Doctors office.

But at what cost to the child?

 

[NMAmy]

I had to bring DSD home on Monday because DH had to work. She was sick, had a stomach ache, ended up throwing up on the way home. When we were waiting for her mom to get to the meeting place, we were talking, things were good, and then mom's boyfriend came up. Come to find out, mom didn't feel like getting up and taking a shower (come on, it was 3:30 in the afternoon when I met her!) so she sent her boyfriend to pick her up. How selfish is that? And it is always things like that. DSD comes last in her life, and she tries to make up for not being around by buying her whatever she wants.

Ok--just wanted to point out something here. Her mom works nights so I can see not wanting to get up at 3:30 to take a shower. YOU took your stepdaughter to drop her off--how come her mom is selfish but your husband is not? Your husband had to work so you took her to the meeting place--the kid's mom was tired so her boyfriend picked her up. I don't see either of the parents being selfish.

My ex is a cop and works nights. I don't see him as selfish if his wife brought dd to me during the day because he wanted to sleep. He has to work just like I do. I'm sure it would be more convenient for him to drop dd off in the middle of the night or REALLY early in the morning--he's being considerate of my schedule.

 

[BabyTigger99]

Ok--just wanted to point out something here. Her mom works nights so I can see not wanting to get up at 3:30 to take a shower. YOU took your stepdaughter to drop her off--how come her mom is selfish but your husband is not? Your husband had to work so you took her to the meeting place--the kid's mom was tired so her boyfriend picked her up. I don't see either of the parents being selfish.

My ex is a cop and works nights. I don't see him as selfish if his wife brought dd to me during the day because he wanted to sleep. He has to work just like I do. I'm sure it would be more convenient for him to drop dd off in the middle of the night or REALLY early in the morning--he's being considerate of my schedule.

Um, she did not work on Christmas night, she was at the Packer game. DH and DSD were at the Packer game as well. The first night she had to work this week was last night. She only works 3 nights a week.

 

[MagicalMom]

Yes, her mom has to work, but she could work as a nurse in a doctor's office during the day, not in a hospital doing overnights.

I just wanted to add that she would probably have difficulty making ends meet if she worked in a Doctor's office. Hospitals usually pay almost double what an office pays.

She's probably working nights for the shift differential. Does someone watch the DD at night while Mom is at work?

 

[BabyTigger99]

I just wanted to add that she would probably have difficulty making ends meet if she worked in a Doctor's office. Hospitals usually pay almost double what an office pays.

She's probably working nights for the shift differential. Does someone watch the DD at night while Mom is at work?

Nope, she is either at friend's house or home.

 

[mickeyboat]

O.k. - you are treading on thin ice, so be careful. If you are seriously considering petitioning for a new custody placement, you need to talk to an attorney, and follow his instructions to the letter.

Even so, a court is highly unlikely to change a custody determination absent compelling / overwhelming evidence that the current situation is harmful to the child. The court looks at what is in the best interest of the child, but also takes into consideration what kind of damage a move in custody could make. Your DSD would have to move into an entirely different home environment, change schools, and be away from her mother most of the time. That is a HUGE change, one which a court is not likely to make without compelling reasons.

Good enough reasons are not just because you and your DH disagree on your DSD's mother is parenting her, not because of her work schedule or who is picking her up when she is sick. To play the devil's advocate on the picking her up because she was sick - your DH sent you because he had to work. DSD's mother sent her boyfriend because she worked the night before and needed to get some rest. Unless the boyfriend is some sort of molestor, what is the difference?

To play the devil's advocate again, you are arguing that DSD's mother is working the night shift which is detrimental to the child's development / grades / who she is hanging around with. But your DH is in the military and has recently been deployed - he could take a job at McDonald's so he wouldn't have to be away from home. But that just isn't reasonable for him, just as doing another type of nursing may not be reasonable for her.

Good enough reasons are her mother doing really bad stuff like getting involved in drugs or leaving a young child alone for extended periods of time, etc.

Please take a good hard look at the situation and consult with an attorney before you take the step to petition the court. Maybe some sort of mediation or therapy might work better to solve the issues you have with DSD's mother. Take a look at the link below.

Good luck. Your DSD is lucky to have a step-mother who loves and cares about her as much as you do. Wishing her much success in the future.

http://www.legalexplorer.com/legal/legal-QA.asp?Sid=9&Qid=1#A13

Denae

 

[BabyTigger99]

Anyone with an actual answer to my original question?

 

[mcnuss]

This I know, but can't one make sacrifices? I turned down a job making $4 an hour more working as 911 dispatcher, because I didn't want to work nights and weekends. DH was making great money working at his National Guard base, but was only home on the weekends. Took a local job with a big pay cut so he could be home every night. We make sacrifices for the family, and the well-being of the kids.

Depends I suppose on how much your DH pays in support. Perhaps she, as a single parent, can't make those sacrifices...

I will tell you that in most states to get a standing custody order changed, you will have to prove that the current situation is harmful to the child, and it's in her best interests to have the arrangement changed. I can assure you, with a teenager, this will be a high standard, and it's likely to get very ugly as you are in essence asking her to choose between her parents. Tread carefully, bc if you do this, win or lose, she may hate you for it forever.

Finally, I would also advise you to stay off these boards with the details of your case. If DSD knows you are on the DIS, she could conceivable print out all of your posts about her and her Mom and give them to Mom's lawyers. I suspect you'd probably prefer to remain anonymous....

Edited: Mickeyboat - ITA, sorry I did not see your post before I posted mine.