Anyone live a distance from your elderly parent?

[npmommie]

How do you manage to contribute to helping them out? How frequently do you visit? do you have siblings that live close?

I live 7 hours from my mom, my brothers live within 40 minutes of her.
so they do most of the day to day helping out.
My mom has been active but has arthritis that has been affecting her mobility she is having hip replacement done because of this
my one brother is not liking this, ( the fact that he is there doing the day to day stuff) and he has stated he feels I should leave my life here and come there for a "couple of months"
I have young kids, a husband, a job, etc etc.
my brothers are both much older than me and had their families young so their kids are all grown and moved out to their own lives and are married themselves.
one brother is retired military but does work, the other brother is retired completely ( he was able to retire young).

so.........
how do you all manage stuff like this?

we do visit several times a year, mostly for at least a week. we go there as much as we can.

 

[NMAmy]

I actually moved closer in order to help my parents about 10 years ago when my dad was really ill. I realize that that's not possible especially in this economic climate but now I'm the one who does the day-to-day stuff so I can give you some input on how it is from my side.

One sister lives 1.5 hours away and the other lives 2000 miles away. I really don't mind the day-to-day helping but when Mom is sick (which happens a couple of times a year), it is stressful for me. My dd is at college so I don't have that worry anymore but I still have a life and a husband and a full-time job.

I think it's really important that you let your brothers know that you appreciate what they're doing. It's not easy. My sister who lives furthest away actually came for a week to care for my mom after a planned procedure. She got a huge wake up call that caring for her is not just an easy walk in the park. After calling me constantly for advice and requesting that I come over to help, she had a big attitude change. Instead of the constant second guessing and Monday morning quarterbacking that she used to subject me to, she is now very grateful for what I do as a regular part of my day and for weeks on end when my mother is very ill.

Expecting you to come for a couple of months is unreasonable. But it's not unreasonable for you to come for a couple of weeks to give your brothers a break. Try to plan to split the weeks up--one toward the beginning and one toward the end of her recovery. Leave the kids and the husband at home and come prepared to work.

 

[NHdisneylover]

That is a really tough situation and I am sure there is no one right answer and no easy answer at all

My mother lives in another country from my grandmother. Her other siblings live near my grandmother. The other siblings are there for the day to day stuff as needed but when my grandmother had a stroke and needed someone round the clock for a couple of months my mother took a leave of absence from work and went and stayed and handled that. It was hard on her financially but she figured it was the best way she could help (she really can't afford to fly out multiple times a year and at least for the flight she did A LOT to help instead of just being there over 2-3 weeks of vacation time and covering maybe 3-4 Dr.s appointments and a few grocery runs for her siblings). She has no little kids at home (I am it) so that is a big difference to your situation though.

 

[kellyg403]

This is a hard situation to be in. I hope your brother understands you can not just drop your life for a few months...maybe a week or two but months? Hopefully you will work out something to take the load off of one and into the ends of everyone who can help.

I took a leave of absence from my job for 18 months to help care for my mom. My brother lives the closest but he is military and has a very young family. He couldn't leave to get there at the drop of a hat. I am next at 3 hours a way. So, I would go and spend a few days at a time and take her to drs appt, shopping etc. She will still able to care for herself during those times she was not in the hospital, and the dr suggested LETTING her learn how to take care of her 'new' normal.

My mom's kidney's failed in the middle of her chemo/radiation therapy. My bros and sis live in Maine, Maryland and Colorado respectively. We took turns when she came home, a week each so it was not a burden for any one person. And also, so we could see for ourselves she would be alright. It was great except for one sis who did not understand mom had to get up and start moving. She took nursing to mean do everything short of eating for her. So definitely some conflict because when the next person took over they were the bad guy...ME. I had to get her up and get her moving. I understood my younger sister was doing the best she could out of love. But, remember to design a plan between yourselves and stick with it so everyone is on the same program.

Kelly

 

[FINFAN]

I had to move my mom to me when my brother decided after 3 months he was "done" helping my mom. The costs incurred and the time have been brutal, but what could I do? Now I am in the middle of trying to sell her house from 4 states away , my brother will not even go to check on the place. That is after I traveled as much as I could, and I mean 6-8 times a year, missing important family stuff of my own to help my folks,deal with them being hospitalized over the years, to visit etc. Sometimes I could bring my kids, a lot of times no due to school/$.
My DH folks do live near us and his siblings, 3 out of 4 live out of state. They come in once or twice a year to help but the majority is on us. Good Luck OP.

 

[dyna]

I just moved a 1000 miles away from my parents knowing that anytime their health could fail but DH an I are retired an can go home pretty much anytime we are needed. Plan is I fly DH follows in car if needed.

My brother is in worse shape than my parents he is of no help hasn't been for years in face mom an dad has taken care of him. He is now in rehab lost a foot at Christmas mom is still doing his laundry tho even tho he has a DD who is past 30 yrs old who goes to see him at least twice a week.

My parents could have used my help daily for yrs but DH has felt as long as they was taking care of my brother they was able to manage on own. I did drive them places mom was not comfortable driving an at night if they needed to go somewhere but there are many neighbors an family members to do that when needed. I also tole them to call on my DD to drive them she is unmarried no kids but babysits my 2gsons while their mom works an goes to school but that is limited to 1 starting school next year an the other in 2 yrs.

My parents are very lucky to have a couple of neighbors who cuts grass in the neighborhood an keeps driveways cleared when it snows. 1 of those neighbors got anothers mail an newspaper in for her for over 30 yrs. Even hung out her laundry an went back an took it down.

 

[shortbun]

When my mom was really sick, I lived an hour away and even that distance made my contribution difficult. I ended up taking time off work and spending weekends there. I had a young teenager but a spouse with a flexible schedule.

I think your mother's recuperation will be pretty fast, certainly NOT two months if she does her rehab work. You and your brothers should share that recovery. Find out if her insurance would pay for a short stay in a rehab facility directly from the hospital. Find someone to advise you about what items she'll need at her home-walker, chair with a lift...often these things can be rented. You can do this research from home and arrange all of it. Also, someone will need to keep her paperwork going. Maybe you could co-ordinate her friends to come in with lunch every day for relief for the caregiver and moral support. Good luck! It's really tough to negotiate this kind of thing with siblings. I don't know why men think they can't do it, they can. Some of the best health care aids we had were men. They are stronger and women trust them physically more than they do a woman.

 

[njmom47]

My mom is a snowbird. Last winter, my brother was collecting unemployment so he went down with her. Thank goodness he did, as my mom decided to have back surgery in March and had many complications that lasted until September (and some to present day as well). I flew down for a long weekend in the beginning, and she came back to NJ in May. This is the 2nd winter my brother is down there with her (they drove down in Dec). She also has wonderful neighbors both here and in Fl (one couple who have actually been life-long friends) who know how to contact me as well. It really stinks; I worry about her a lot. But at least she has my brother on a daily basis and I would go at any time if she needed me.

 

[golfgal]

When my Grandpa was still alive, we were the closest relatives at 4 hours away. My Dad lived 16 hours away. We were fortunate that my Grandpa had several friends from his church to look after him-several other widows/widowers and he would get together for dinner most evenings. He was very independent until shortly after his 90th birthday. We had gone up there for his 90th, which was in December and then DS18 and I went up there for a Tae Kwon Do tournament in Feburary and the change in those two months was astonishing. He passed away in mid-March (this was over 10 years ago). We had a "cousin" that was close to my Grandpa and took him shopping and on errands as needed. He had coffee with him every morning as well. This cousin is actually a foster son of my Grandpa's sister. Having him in town allowed my Grandpa to stay in his own home until he died.

We tried to get him to move into assisted living but he wanted nothing to do with that. Had he not passed away shortly after his health turned I think he would have moved eventually though.

It would be something to look into for your mom, assisted living. She can still be independent but have onsite help if needed. If not that, can you, with your brothers, afford to hire in some help for a couple hours/day?

Another option would be to move your mom closer to you or in with you. Would she do that?

My parents are moving back to this area and I keep reminding them that it would be a LOT easier all the way around if they were within easy driving distance of our house. They understand that so hopefully they will be able to find a place within 15-20 minutes of us. Right now it is almost hard to remember that my dad is over 70 and my step-mom is in her mid-60's because they are in such good health and so active but we know that could change.

 

[momof1princess]

i'm about 30 minutes from my mom, and my brother (notice no "dear") lives about 4 hours away. his solution to this dilemma is to not help AT ALL. our mother is mentally ill and hooked on prescription pain meds (just recently found out she was "doctor hopping"), so i could really use some help, but nope, he's too busy. mom is currently mad at me because her orthopedic doctor's office won't let her make appointments-everything has to go through me. and honestly, she's not even elderly yet, she's just 59. can't even imagine the fun i'll be having when she gets older.

 

[Disney Doll]

Difficult situation OP.

Obviously you can't take 2 months off from your work/family life, but could you swing a week or two or even a long weekend occasionally to give them a break?

When my late DMIL was terminally ill, my DH, 2 DSisILs and DAunt took care of her around the clock for 3 months at her home. Basically the 5 of us created a schedule so someone was always with her. My other SisIL (notice no D) would call us from 1500 miles away and tell us what we were doing wrong. She would also call to tell us how wonderful her friends were because they were cooking her dinner in Missouri because her mother in CT was dying. I told her she should pack it in dry ice and send it to CT for us. We understood that she couldn't leave her life and her 2 small children in MO, but it would have been nice if she had said "Wow what a great job you're doing" instead of always telling us what she thought we were doing wrong and how lucky she was to have such wonderful friends so she didn't have to worry about cooking when we were here literally running ourselves ragged trying to care for DMIL, work and maintain our own households. FTR, myself and one of my other DSisILs are nurses, so we didn't do much wrong in terms of caring for her.

I guess my point with that rather long-winded paragraph was to try and do as much as you can. If there is stuff you can do from a distance, then do it. Could you take over paying her bills online so that would be one less thing for them to worry about? Get there as often as you can to give the onsite caregivers a break and whatever you do, don't tell them that they're doing something wrong unless it would be a grave danger to your mother not to say something. When you are there, try and cook stuff ahead that can be frozen so that & portion it out into meal sized portions so that they can just heat stuff up. We always found that helpful when our friends around here did that with the meals they brought us. Quick & easy snacky type food is good to have around too...soup, cheese & crackers, nuts, protein bars....stuff people can just grab to snack on. While you're there, try and go through some of your mother's things and get rid of uneccssary stuff so in the event that life changes and she has to move, there's maybe a little less work. I did that while "sitting" with my DMIL, after clearing it with my DH and all his siblings. She was a hoarder of sorts, had a lot of crap...old pie tins, cheap plastic flower containers, wrapping paper pieces that wouldn't be big enough to wrap anything etc...so I would go through closets and cabinets getting rid of stuff that I knew was trash. If I found anything that I was unsure of with regard to its value (whether monetary or sentimental) I just set it aside in a box for her children to go through. When she passed and we sold the hosue, that made it quite a bit easier....

Good luck OP. It's hard to be away from an elderly parent.

 

[tlbwriter]

We live about 1000 miles away from my MIL, who is in her 80s and in poor physical shape. Her other two children live in the same town, so they are the ones who provide for her day-to-day needs. All we can do is provide some financial support, and DH often does projects for her when we visit.

It's unreasonable for your brothers to expect you to move down there for a month or two, but it's also unreasonable to expect them to handle everything. Is there any way you could pay for a service, such as home care or a driver, to lighten the load?

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I guess my point with that rather long-winded paragraph was to try and do as much as you can. If there is stuff you can do from a distance, then do it. Could you take over paying her bills online so that would be one less thing for them to worry about? Get there as often as you can to give the onsite caregivers a break and whatever you do, don't tell them that they're doing something wrong unless it would be a grave danger to your mother not to say something. When you are there, try and cook stuff ahead that can be frozen so that & portion it out into meal sized portions so that they can just heat stuff up. We always found that helpful when our friends around here did that with the meals they brought us. Quick & easy snacky type food is good to have around too...soup, cheese & crackers, nuts, protein bars....stuff people can just grab to snack on. While you're there, try and go through some of your mother's things and get rid of uneccssary stuff so in the event that life changes and she has to move, there's maybe a little less work. I did that while "sitting" with my DMIL, after clearing it with my DH and all his siblings. She was a hoarder of sorts, had a lot of crap...old pie tins, cheap plastic flower containers, wrapping paper pieces that wouldn't be big enough to wrap anything etc...so I would go through closets and cabinets getting rid of stuff that I knew was trash. If I found anything that I was unsure of with regard to its value (whether monetary or sentimental) I just set it aside in a box for her children to go through. When she passed and we sold the hosue, that made it quite a bit easier....

Excellent suggestions, Disney Doll.

npmommie, maybe being the nurse in the family they might like some help surrounding Mom's surgery since it's more your area of "expertise" than theirs? You know a lot of guys, especially, hate hospitals and the thought of Moms on bedpans, etc. Maybe you could arrange to go around the time she'll be in the hospital and/or rehab? That wouldn't be unreasonable (though a couple of months certainly would, seeing you have young kids at home and a job, etc!). It might entail your DH taking time off as well, or soliciting other help at home in order to keep your own house in order while you go out with your Mom.

In my family, my mother lived quite a distance away from all of us. Even helping out regularly was difficult with work schedules, kids and such. As a family, we made the decision that having her come live with one of us would make the most sense in the long term, and being the nurse in the family (and the one daughter in state), she came with me/us (actually at DH's suggestion!). We built an in-law suite about 16yrs ago now and thankfully we did as she's aged remarkably since then but all of her needs are taken care of fairly simply. We do the lion's share but I if we need help, my siblings will help (we do have to ask, though, because they aren't really sure what to do, I think, since we do just about everything).

This arrangement hasn't been perfect, but overall it's been good. Where we live (and probably where you live), building in law suites became popular in the last couple of decades when housing, utility, and basic living costs soared and many elderly folks had difficulty making ends meet on their own. I have many friends who also have in law suites/elderly parents living with them and sometimes we joke we really ought to put a "support group" together as the challenges at times can be quite significant. But still, it's easier than trying to manage from a great distance IF (and it's a big if) the parties can all get along reasonably well living together.

Many folks either cannot afford the cost of assisted living or will refuse to go to live there. This thread made me think of a woman I cared for recently. She told me she was "ready to die" not because she was sick, but because she was "old" and "had nowhere to go". It broke my heart because she was adorable and full of spunk (someone I could see myself being friends with in another time and generation), but she lived alone at a distance from her family, and couldn't manage by herself any more. She had three children but they were "all busy with their own lives". Assisted living was an affordable option for her, but she was adamantly opposed, having led a fruitful and independent life all her life - so basically she was prepared to die rather than go there. Many will say, "her choice", which of course it is, but it still made me really sad. She celebrated a milestone birthday in the hospital and only one child came for a brief visit, the other two sent flowers.

 

[Nik's Mom]

My elderly mother moved in with dh and I when my dad died. She lived with us for 3 years, but then dh's job relocated us to Kansas. She did not want to move to a cold climate. She lives in a senior apartment and fends for herself pretty much. I have a sister who will help out when needed though.

I know my mom is going to need knee surgery soon. I will probably end up flying back to stay with her for a few days, then hopefully my sister can help out for a few days.

It's hard being so far away from an elderly parent.

 

[Disney Doll]

Assisted living seems to be a good thing though, if I listen to most of the elderly folks I know who live there. It's not a nursing home....they have their own place, usually one or two meals provided in a communal dining room, group activities that they can take advantage of. The ones I have heard described by their residents makes them sound kind of like a dorm for older people. You have the ability to have company if you want by going down to the "public" sitting areas but you also have the privacy of your own apartment if you want. But you have "people" around who are keeping an eye on you, so to speak.

Of course, there's the other side of the coin...those of us with elderly parents who are totally stubborn about letting us help. I can't imagine what my parents' neighbors think about us...if only they knew how much I try to help my parents and get rebuffed.

 

[Cheshire Figment]

My 96 yo mother lives in the same apartment building (in New York) that we moved into in 1941. My 74 yo sister lives in the same building. And all four of my nephews live less than an hour drive away.

I get up to New York at least twice a year to visit.

 

[minkydog]

How do you manage to contribute to helping them out? How frequently do you visit? do you have siblings that live close?

I live 7 hours from my mom, my brothers live within 40 minutes of her.
so they do most of the day to day helping out.
My mom has been active but has arthritis that has been affecting her mobility she is having hip replacement done because of this
my one brother is not liking this, ( the fact that he is there doing the day to day stuff) and he has stated he feels I should leave my life here and come there for a "couple of months"
I have young kids, a husband, a job, etc etc.
my brothers are both much older than me and had their families young so their kids are all grown and moved out to their own lives and are married themselves.
one brother is retired military but does work, the other brother is retired completely ( he was able to retire young).

so.........
how do you all manage stuff like this?

we do visit several times a year, mostly for at least a week. we go there as much as we can.

You can only do what you can do. Your brothers can cry and stomp their feet, but it still won't give you more availability. I sympathize with you. My mother is 76 and beginning to have some issues. I live 400 miles away. One sister lives about 40 minutes away and works full time. Another sister lives about 3 hours away; she teaches school, so she has no flexibility. My brother lives 1000 miles away and another sister lives 2400 miles away. So unfortunately, a lot of stuff falls on the one who is closest.

Mother relies a lot on friends to help her out. I don't know what we will do as she gets older. Moving down there will probably not be an option. I try to get down there when I can, but in an emergency it can take me 24 to 48 hours to get away from home. My DH is disabled, as is DS15(Christian) and I work. I can't leave Christian with DH; he can't handle him much anymore.I can only leave if I can arrange respite care for Christian. My siblings know my limitations and they don't give me any grief. I get down there when I can, which isn't very often unfortunately. I feel very guilty but there is nothing I can do about the situation.

Good luck. And I just wanted to mention, when my MIL fractured her hip she went to a rehab facility for about 3 months. They did PT about 4 hours a day and it was really such a relief to us. When she got out of the hospital she could barely walk and there was no way we could have gotten her into the house, let alone the bathroom, the high bed, etc. Perhaps you could have your brother check that out, if he goes to the doctor with her.

 

[npmommie]

Appreciating all the stories you all have shared!
Yes, we go there several times a year, and do things to help out. Hubby will do any household things she needs.

This past fall she moved into an independent senior apartment, not quite assisted living , but similar, they had activities and meals in a common area. but she still maintained her own apartment and did her own laundry herself.
they did have more services available if needed.

anyway, she stayed 3 months and said she hated it and moved back into her house. she called a mover and before my brothers knew it she had moved herself back into the house!!

she is very independent, and always has been.
but she really needs a smaller place at least. its just too much upkeep for her now.
there is talk of her moving here closer to me. the idea of an inlaw addition has come up, but not sure how feasible that would be. I imagine pretty expensive too, and we are not in a spot where we could pay for it right now, and I wouldn't want her to sink all her money into it either.
so I have checked out options close by here.

moving close to her is just not an option due to hubby's job.

so we will see. after she has her hip replaced and recuperates.

 

[golfgal]

Appreciating all the stories you all have shared!
Yes, we go there several times a year, and do things to help out. Hubby will do any household things she needs.

This past fall she moved into an independent senior apartment, not quite assisted living , but similar, they had activities and meals in a common area. but she still maintained her own apartment and did her own laundry herself.
they did have more services available if needed.

anyway, she stayed 3 months and said she hated it and moved back into her house. she called a mover and before my brothers knew it she had moved herself back into the house!!

she is very independent, and always has been.
but she really needs a smaller place at least. its just too much upkeep for her now.
there is talk of her moving here closer to me. the idea of an inlaw addition has come up, but not sure how feasible that would be. I imagine pretty expensive too, and we are not in a spot where we could pay for it right now, and I wouldn't want her to sink all her money into it either.
so I have checked out options close by here.

moving close to her is just not an option due to hubby's job.

so we will see. after she has her hip replaced and recuperates.

Some of these issues can be handled by hiring help. A lot of it is HOW you present things too--"Mom, I know you don't need help, but would you LIKE someone to come in and clean your floors and bathrooms for you a couple times/month." If you tell her she NEEDS help (and yes she does but you know...) then she thinks you don't think she can take care of herself. We hired someone to come "clean" my grandpa's place, he was very organized so all she needed to do was dust and vacuum but what she was REALLY there for was to check up on him. She was a family friend so she also did his laundry and would make him a few meals to freeze and warm up later.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

the idea of an inlaw addition has come up, but not sure how feasible that would be. I imagine pretty expensive too, and we are not in a spot where we could pay for it right now, and I wouldn't want her to sink all her money into it either.

If it's her housing, she theoretically could pay for it just as she would any other type of housing. Of course, there'd need to be good estate planning.