Anyone have a "difficult" kid?

[dbal]

Hi- I know this probably will get me flamed, but I do need to vent.
Back story-- I have 4 wonderful dd's. The oldest two 19 and 16 are my steps. The 19 year old lives w/me,dh and dd's 10 and 6. My 16yr old lives w/ her mom close by so we see her often.
My 10 yr dd is very high functioning autistic, smart, and always ready for fun. The problem is... if fun (or her definition of fun) isn't happening, she can be extremely difficult.
We all love Disney and we have a trip planned in Dec. I have always been so pumped about planning days and adrs etc.. but this trip is different, I'm nervous. We just got back from Hershey park and while it was fun,... she didn't stop complaining. We had talks about it prior, during and after. We tried books about the topic. I don't know what to do. It is such a downer and it just takes the wind out of everyones sails.

She LOVES Disney so much. I'ts almost as if she is always thinking about the next thing, never enjoying what's in front of her. She has virtually no empathy for anyone but her and she needs things her way. I know much of this is due to autism. - so I do try to be understanding. But alot of times understanding and accomodating are 2 different things. Especially when you have to factor in 5 other people.

Anyone else have a glass is always half empty, life is not fair type of kid?
Any suggestions? Thanks for letting me vent.

 

[dfaust2007]

I'm not the parent of an autistic child, so my help may be limited. Would it help if you let her "plan" parts of the trip? For instance, when planning out your ADR's, you might ask her where she'd like eat and when would she like to go? Or what order would she like to ride the rides on one particular day? Then you could keep reminding her that she helped plan the trip, even though you did most of the planning. In talking to her, you could also allow her to think some of the plans were her doing, when you actually planned to do whatever all along.

I hope this helps. Good luck!

 

[worm761]

My DS is HFA/Asperger's and is 12 yrs old. Have you tried showing her plans of the day? It seems to help my DS if he knows what will happen next. He isn't so bad about it now that he knows the parks really well. And don't forget Disney might very well be too much stimulation for her. Either give her one whole day where she gets to plan everything OR let her choose what comes next if you don't have a plan. I am a go with the flow sort of person so I don't plan much other than a few ADR's. If you are a person that plans what ride in which order on each day. make an itinerary for her. include pictures because they help their understanding just a littel bit better. Let her carry her itinerary in her bag. It gives them a sense of control and she can look at it when ever she needs to. If you need any ideas try the disabilities board, there is tons of autism info on that board. or feel free to pm me!

 

[livie1205]

I think you should do what is right for your family

 

[AlisonR80]

my 4 y.o. is a challenge to say the least, he may have ADHD...Anyhow, i'm nervous about travelling with him to WDW...luckily my folks are coming too so they will help out, otherwise i don't think i'd attempt a trip with just us.
Like the pp said, maybe involving her in the planning will help.

 

[marcyinPA]

Sorry I have no advice, but I wanted to offer a hug! My DS13 is not autistic, but he is definitely a "glass half empty" type of personality. He's very negative, very critical, and always needing "more, more, more". He has no idea how to relax or "go with the flow". When things don't turn his way, he freaks out. He has a hard time handling his emotions appropriately. He's not always like this, but he acts this way enough that I need to set my expectations before any major outing or event. Oddly enough, he only acts this way with DH and I. He does not do this at school, or youth group, or with other parents or family members.

I swear, he got all the bad genes on both sides of DH's and my families!

ETA: The best thing we've done for him is to send him on local mission trips with our church. In fact, he leaves on the middle school mission trip tomorrow. Working in soup kitchens, homeless shelters, building for Habitat for Humanity....all of those things have been great character building activities for him. He has been able to see how fortunate he is compared to others. At his age, he is just now "getting it"....

 

[kacaju]

Yes, my 12 year old dd!!
She shows her dog and lately she has had problems getting him to stay focused on her. My suggestions of using food are met with *I don't USE food to train my dog* UGH!!
So the other day I had her take a walk with him and made her use food to get his attention. It worked!! surprise, surprise!!
Anyway, I guess I was a little to *happy* and raised my voice in excitement which got this as a response....*Don't yell at me*
I can't win!!

 

[hoosiergirl7]

My almost 5 yr old DS can be very demanding. Currently he is the only child we have (not by choice) and with DH he'll fight until he gets his way. DH says it's just easier than being pestered 24/7. It irritates the heck out of me that DH lets him get away with it.

When we go to Disney we do some of the things he wants to do and do some of the things he wants to do. Most of the time he doesn't care because he's at Disney. I agree with those who have said that you should allow her to pick some of the activities you do.

 

[minkydog]

You might want to also post over on the DISabilities board. There are a lot of folks over there who have kids on the autism spectrum. I have a DS13 who is severely MR, with autism, but he's a piece of cake compared to my older DS21(learning disabilities, ADHD, bipolar) We've only taken him on one family vacation since he turned 15, due to his whining, sighing, and complaining.

 

[PrincessMom4]

My child has ODD and ADHD and let me tell that's a handful. SHe took off on us in Walmart. Here I am running after and i tried to get someone to block her but no one even offered us a hand. People will look at stare as if we are a freak circus. If someone needs a hand...people should ahve the heart to at least offer it. Like hey do you need a hand...if the person doesn't then at least he offered. We went to Disney last August (2007) and she did really well considering it was her first time there and all the excitement. We kept her on a fairly tight "stuctured day" which works wonders with kids similar to her.

hope this helps.

Isabell.... i need a hug too....lol

 

[Frankiesmom]

My DS 7, is autistic- he is very happy go lucky and I don't have those issues you mentioned w him- I do have them with my DD 16- and she doesn't have any learning issues- sometimes it's more personality than other things? So, I just let her pout. Sometimes I can't take the whining- she is a complete complainer- just like my ex-mil. So, I don't have any words of wisdom and I can really understand how autism can compound the problem! Good luck!

 

[solgent]

I do not have an autistic child, so my advice may be worthless! The best way I have found to change anyone's behavior is to praise them for the behavior you want. So if you want her to be more patient and flexible, praise her all the time for it, very specifically. "Thanks for waiting for DD6 to get her cookie first." "Thanks for understanding that we're out of orange juice right now." Also try to phrase things positively. So instead of saying what you don't want her to do, such as complaining or whining or screaming, always try to talk about what she should do, such as wait patiently, ask for help, use an indoor voice, go with the flow, etc.

What I do see in your message is that her behavior is affecting others. You wrote, "It is such a downer and it just takes the wind out of everyones sails."

So perhaps you can work on yourself & other family members to practice strategies to cope better with her difficult times.

The first thing is to adjust your expectations that things will go smoothly with DD10. They might, and then you can be pleasantly surprised! But plan on her being difficult.

Talk to DH & the older ones about, how can we have a good time even if DD10 is difficult? Maybe you can split up with you & DH taking turns with the other kids, or one or both of the older girls with take DD6.

Also I personally believe that swimming is a powerful mood elevator.

If it were my DD, I wouldn't engage with her complaints. Don't argue with her or try to change her mind. The most I'd say is "I'm sorry you feel that way," and then pretend she didn't say it. Because if you respond to the complaint, by disagreeing or trying to mollify her, it just gives attention and encourages the behavior.

Good luck!

 

[badblackpug]

None my kids have autism either, so this, too, may be useless:

Whenever there is any complaining, it is rare in WDW, and usually aimed at the complainer getting their own way, I always offer them an alternative. But, beware, the alternative is rarely "fun!" For instance, my 10y enjoys the Tomorrow Land Transit Authority, and last trip asked to ride it. Well, there was no line, so why not? Well the 6 year old started to complain that it was "stupid" and "boring." He really wanted to ride Buzz Lightyear. (which we planned to do, we just happened to be in front of TTA) SO I suggested to him, "If you don't want to ride, we will sit here on this wall and wait until everyone else gets off." He, of course, picked the ride, because something is always better than nothing. My other tactic is when complaining ensues I offer to go back to the room for a nap! I always phrase in the context of "We are in WDW and you are complaining?" "You must be worn out and cranky, maybe we should go back to to hotel for a nap." That usually ens the complaining, too!

Of course, I don't know how this works with autism. My only other suggestion may be allowing her to bring something such as a Gameboy with which she could amuse herself when "bored."

 

[dbal]

Wow! Thanks for all the replies. I know everyone is right. She does have a big part in the planning process for our WDW. The Hershey trip was really spontaneous and unplanned so looking back, I do get her anxiety of not knowing what to expect, and thinking she was missing something better.

Thank you too for keeping me positive, I sometimes will let myself get sucked into the cycle of complaining and then fighting. It goes round and round.

Sometimes I forget that my attitude has alot to do with how she reacts etc. Thanks and good luck to those in similar situations.

 

[dzorn]

Hi- I know this probably will get me flamed, but I do need to vent.
Back story-- I have 4 wonderful dd's. The oldest two 19 and 16 are my steps. The 19 year old lives w/me,dh and dd's 10 and 6. My 16yr old lives w/ her mom close by so we see her often.
My 10 yr dd is very high functioning autistic, smart, and always ready for fun. The problem is... if fun (or her definition of fun) isn't happening, she can be extremely difficult.
We all love Disney and we have a trip planned in Dec. I have always been so pumped about planning days and adrs etc.. but this trip is different, I'm nervous. We just got back from Hershey park and while it was fun,... she didn't stop complaining. We had talks about it prior, during and after. We tried books about the topic. I don't know what to do. It is such a downer and it just takes the wind out of everyones sails.

She LOVES Disney so much. I'ts almost as if she is always thinking about the next thing, never enjoying what's in front of her. She has virtually no empathy for anyone but her and she needs things her way. I know much of this is due to autism. - so I do try to be understanding. But alot of times understanding and accomodating are 2 different things. Especially when you have to factor in 5 other people.

Anyone else have a glass is always half empty, life is not fair type of kid?
Any suggestions? Thanks for letting me vent.

Just with reading your title not the content I thought "yep" my DD is autistic also. DD is also very self centered but she has her great moments. Sometimes just venting helps. I know were you are coming from.

Densie in MI

 

[crisi]

Wow! Thanks for all the replies. I know everyone is right. She does have a big part in the planning process for our WDW. The Hershey trip was really spontaneous and unplanned so looking back, I do get her anxiety of not knowing what to expect, and thinking she was missing something better.

Thank you too for keeping me positive, I sometimes will let myself get sucked into the cycle of complaining and then fighting. It goes round and round.

Sometimes I forget that my attitude has alot to do with how she reacts etc. Thanks and good luck to those in similar situations.

Its also OK to be negative on occation and vent. Its wearing to put up every day with my own difficult daughter - and she is only "normally difficult" - we aren't dealing with autism or anything that isn't just normal development and attitude stuff. Even my "easy" son can drive me batty on certain days. And when you have such high expectations for something, and you simultaneously know you can't meet those expectations, it can be tough.

One suggestion is to break up the family a little on vacation - you head off with your autistic DD for some special "mommy time" - but you also leave her in the care of your older kids and get some "mommy and daddy time" (phrase it to her as them all getting "kid time") and make sure she gets some special "daddy time" where you can spend time with your other kids without needing to cater to her needs. A few times where everyone can get away from the unpredictability of a difficult child and into a situation they control might be just what everyone needs to have something they can hold onto as knowing it won't be all about her.

 

[Tiger926]

I don't have an autistic child, but have 4 nieces with learning issues (ADHD), emotional issues (depression, bipolar) and possible autism spectrum. As well, I am a Special Education teacher, so I've pretty much deal with this stuff all day long!

My opinion is that perhaps vacationing is not in the cards for your daughter at this time. I totally understand that you and the rest of the familiy want to go to WDW, but it doesn't sound like it works for your daughter at this point in her life. As with any mental/emotional issues, of which autism is one of many, you are dealing with many uncontrollable aspects. You can craft her environment one way, but if she is having a moment, that special attention to detail won't mean anything. In this respect, vacationing is very difficult for these kids as there are many unknown elements, bright lights, heat, different beds, different food, too many crowds, etc. It doesn't matter if she manifests differently at home, when she is 'away' from home, that is another story. It is the element of the unknown that is scary for these kids and despite the fact that most of us love WDW, I wouldn't say it works best for kids who struggle with transitions, never being happy, etc.

Perhaps you should give it a rest and focus on doing other activities, and then re-visit WDW at a later time as the needs of your special needs daughter must supercede the rest of the family as her brain is wired differently than the rest of your family. She is 'difficult' through no fault of her own, and so in her own way, she may be telling you that vacationing isn't working for her right now, and that should be ok with the rest of you. It's totally ok to vent and I think it's necessary, but you need to remember that forcing things on kids with brain difficulties is not a good idea. In many cases, they are telling us something with their behaviour, but if you believe that she is the same as usual, then you must weigh out going without her if it's that important for the rest of you to go to WDW.

Good luck, Tiger

 

[AwaitingMagic]

I read your post and it could have been me posting it. I have a DS7 that is much like your daughter. He is a brilliant, sweet, kind child - but he's a griper. He has ADHD and initially we thought he might be high functioning autistic, but after much testing it was concluded he is not - but he does have a communication gap.

Anyway - we recently took our first WDW vacation. We had one really rough day at Hollywood Studios. He was in a mood and couldn't relax at all and enjoy himself. When he gets like that, we get tense and it's hard to think clearly because I feel like I'm trying to get him to stop rather than looking for a solution.

Hindsight is 20/20 though and there were several things I wish we would have done. Number one is giving him a map of the park and having him lead us where we need to go. He LOVES maps and is amazing with them and this would have been such a simple solution and I have no clue why I didn't do it. Secondly, I had forgotten our mister fan that day and while I didn't really think about while we were there, I also think that would have made a huge difference as it was hot.

Part of it I don't think there is anything we can do - that is just my boy and his personality.

 

[DisneyBrat]

As a parent of an asperger child I understand your frustration right now. Have you tried any medications for her? There are some that really do help and calm them without the yukky feeling. My stepson who is 19 now was diagnosed when he was 12. Unfortunatly for many years before I came along the pediatrician only thought he was Adhd and kept him on Ritalin. I knew that Justin loved to read books and would for HOURS was not someone with Adhd and further diagnosis found to be Aspergers. Sadly Justin came to a point last year when he wouldn't take his meds and was not wanting to live by house rules so his dad and I made him go live with his mother. It broke our hearts because he is so smart (natural at Physics) He didn't have the desire or drive to go to college either. We have 2 other children in the home and everyday was a battle ground with him. I have a thought as to your WDW trip.... Is there a grandparent or family member that could keep you daughter? Make it a special time for her to go visit someone or have them come stay with her...

Dont feel alone because there are LOTS of moms out there that know what its like to walk in your shoes.

Lew