Anyone have a clue as to what I can do about my Mother

[KimR]

She's driving me nuts (which is nothing new). She has been sick for 4 months (pains and constipation) and she will not go to the doctor. She claims the reason is because she's afraid of doctors; she knows that it's unreasonable and illogical, but she doesn't care, she's not going. It's bad enough that she has never in her life had a pap smear or a mammogram; however, I've always figured if she ever got sick she'd break down and go. I should have known better. I can't imagine how she ever managed pregnancy and childbirth TWICE with this phobia of hers. (DH claims there's more to it than just her supposed phobia. I don't really want to get into the details, but what it boils down to is he thinks she's afraid the doctor is going to insist she start taking better care of herself, which she doesn't want to do. )

My dad cannot reason with her and everytime I try to talk to her about it she gets totally pissed off. I was over there yesterday and she was curled up in the chair (totally unlike her, she normally never sits still). She obviously didn't feel good and this has been going on for 4 months! I think she tries to hide it as much as possible, but I've noticed she's been much less patient with my girls lately and I imagine it's because she feels bad. I'm just wondering if anyone has has any experience with a phobia like this or has any ideas on how we can get her to go to the doctor? I'm really worried

Kim

 

[Snow White]

Boy, I can relate to that, my mom hasn't been to the doctor since my brother was born and hes 30!!! She's decided that if the pioneer women could make it without pills and paps and mamograms, then so can she! She'll hardly even take tylenol! But, I have to be thankful that overall she's healthy! Once she fell off a ladder and hurt her knee and limped around for about 3 months, but, it healed thank goodness...it IS quite annoying when they are SO stubborn, but I've decided that I'll just humor her. If she complains, I just say, "well, I guess if you are too stubborn to go to the doctor, then I guess you'll have to tough it out won't you!" Good luck!

 

[December99]

You could make an appointment for her, tell her your going to take her to lunch - go to lunch with her and then take her to the appointment. Outside of that there isn't anything else you can do.

 

[p-nut]

How sad. It's probably something easy to fix and she is too stubborn to fix it. I agree with December99. Just make sure the paper work is filled out before you go and let them know ahead of time that she will not be happy to be there. They might help you in some way. Good luck.

 

[Rajah]

Only thing I can think of to add is ask her if she won't do it for herself, will she do it for you (her kids) or your dad. That's just about the only way I can get my dad to go in, as well.

Good luck.

 

[helenabear]

Kim, I wish I knew what to tell you, but I would either call and make an appointment for her or something like that. I would be worried too, but don't ignore it because it could be something that is very serious. My mom was very much like that and honestly she was so stubborn it wound up killing her. Try to get your dad to help out too and good luck {{{hugs}}}

 

[Mackey Mouse]

Are there granchildren involved??? on the same theory as what Rajah said... you could say that you want her healthy for them... Is your Mom over 50??there is so many things she should be having done...it does worry me that she has not had a pap or mammogram......maybe if it was a woman doctor, she would feel more comfortable...

Also her symptoms... did they come out of the blue... after 50, you should have a colonoscopy and endoscopy...in the meantime, she needs to be made more comfortable...will she take a laxative...it is not normal to be constipated that long.. Good luck..

 

[TigH]

I feel for you, Kim.

My mother hasn't been to the gyno since my sister was born back in 1970. She HATES doctors. Last year around this time she did make an appointment for herself to visit our GP to have her depression diagnosed (he referred her to a therapist and she has been going ever since and has changed medications a few times, but I digress).

Things had gotten pretty tense between us before she made her appointment. I didn't want to deal with her negative energy anymore and she wouldn't allow any of us to help her, so I just decided to make sure I was never alone with her. I always made sure someone was in the room if she was near me and I never got involved in any of her negative conversations. SOMEHOW this worked! I guess she realized I'd reached the end of my rope and that she should seek help if she wanted to have a relationship with me.

It has been a very difficult year, to say the least. Threats of suicide and weeks of her hiding in bed have made life very rough for me, my siblings and my father. However, through therapy, we are learning to create some boundaries so that we don't get pulled under with her when she starts to get down.

This probably isn't helping you any. Kim, you can't make your mother go to the doctor. She has to want to help herself. I've been so several therapy sessions with my mom when she did not want to be there, and no progress was made. If you make an appointment for your mother and drag her along, will she actually enter the doctor's office and describe her symptoms?

It is so difficult to watch our loved ones struggle, but you have to release yourself from the guilt. It is frustrating when something that seems like a logical decision to us is frightening to someone else, but there is no way to change the way they think.

Wishing you lots of luck. Just be careful with your feelings. There is only so much you can do for her, sweetie.

 

[LindaR]

I don't know your whole story, so please don't be offended by what I say...

Like I said, I don't know if your mom has other "problems" besides what you have stated......but my mom "uses" illnesses as a tool to control those around her (my mom has serious mental issues). It's kinda like a little kid that gets in trouble as a way to get attention. Granted, its negative attention....but they don't know how to get positive attention.

 

[Kallison]

My Dad used to pull that crap. When my first born was born 12 years ago, he promised me he would go for a full physical. Then he said no, I'll wait -- yet again. I took a nutty, threw a cup of water at him and said he would not speak to me or see his grandchild until I heard from the doctor. Turns out he was in the early stages of prostate cancer. He has been in remission thankfully for 12 years.

A friend of mine basically committed suicide by not getting help for a tumor that was highly curable. He layed around on his bed for a year, until it was spread throughout his entire body.

I do think it is a control issue. I would basically do the same thing that I did to my Dad, go and don't call or come see me until you do.